i think ill settle for ugly

[Weezy1973]

I agree, settling with someone that doesn't tick your boxes, looks wise, intellect wise, personality wise, status wise etc. is asking for trouble.

If they are not the person you imagined yourself being with, then you are going to struggle being with them, and that is not fair on them, either.

Of course your expectations need to be realistic, supermodels, celebrities, billionaires and Nobel prize winners are not two a penny.

 

So what if the general ticking of the boxes is not realistic - and not in the extreme that you suggest.

 

What if the 45 year old balding, chubby dude, is legitimately only attracted to women that are in their 20s and slim?

 

What if expectations are built on movies and fairy tales? But those expectation are real to the people that hold them? What then?

[JuneJulySeptember]

So what if the general ticking of the boxes is not realistic - and not in the extreme that you suggest.

 

What if the 45 year old balding, chubby dude, is legitimately only attracted to women that are in their 20s and slim?

 

What if expectations are built on movies and fairy tales? But those expectation are real to the people that hold them? What then?

 

I think at that point you decide if you will legitimately be happier alone, or with somebody that you have mediocre attraction to. Especially if you don't want kids, it doesn't have to be a super serious relationship or inked in stone to be with that person for the rest of your life.

 

It's just describing my own situation, but when you get much older, being alone kinda sucks.

[darkbloom]

no no no. ive approached women in many places. bookstores, coffee shops, grocery store, anywhere basically. theyre just bishes.

pls... online dating is a joke.

 

if they have all rejected you, YOU might be the problem.

[ChessPieceFace]

You really think we are that limited? That social status and money is all we're after?

 

I don't think it, I know it.

[Jonp219]

I hate when women say things like, "you think we're that limited "? Umm, yeah in general you guys kind of are.

 

Maybe not you, but tell me why is it that we run into "limited" women all the time? We're talking to the wrong ones? We're choosing beauty over personally?

 

Man, stop.

 

It's nothing but one big stupid game after the other.

 

The guy always has to be the problem. Just be honest, you want a guy who is higher or equal to your social status.

Edited June 14, 2015 by Jonp219

[mynailpolishchipped]

I watched a documentary on Netflix recently about men searching for Russian mail order brides. After a few unsuccessful attempts, one particularly unattractive, shallow fellow went on a rant that sounded very similar to the original post here.

 

This guy was overweight, poorly dressed, less than wealthy, unsophisticated, but because the women were not bowing at his feet, they were gold diggers.

 

WELL OF COURSE THEY ARE!

 

If you are basing your requirements for a girlfriend on looks, and her level of attractiveness is the top priority, you damn well better be able to bring it in the looks department, too. If you can't, you better have the money to put a 6-pack mirage over that beer gut. And if you do have the wealth to costume your less than desirable physical attributes, don't complain when the beautiful woman on your arm is AS SHALLOW AS YOU ARE.

 

There's an adage...a man was crossing a bridge from one city to another. When he reached the new city, he asked the gatekeeper "How will I find the nature of the people in this new place?" The gatekeeper responded with a question, "How did you find the nature of people in the place from which you have come?" The man replied, "They were a horrible bunch. Cheaters. Liars. Malicious." The gatekeeper said, "You will find the people here much the same."

 

You get what you give, fellas.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I watched a documentary on Netflix recently about men searching for Russian mail order brides. After a few unsuccessful attempts, one particularly unattractive, shallow fellow went on a rant that sounded very similar to the original post here.

 

This guy was overweight, poorly dressed, less than wealthy, unsophisticated, but because the women were not bowing at his feet, they were gold diggers.

 

WELL OF COURSE THEY ARE!

 

If you are basing your requirements for a girlfriend on looks, and her level of attractiveness is the top priority, you damn well better be able to bring it in the looks department, too. If you can't, you better have the money to put a 6-pack mirage over that beer gut. And if you do have the wealth to costume your less than desirable physical attributes, don't complain when the beautiful woman on your arm is AS SHALLOW AS YOU ARE.

 

There's an adage...a man was crossing a bridge from one city to another. When he reached the new city, he asked the gatekeeper "How will I find the nature of the people in this new place?" The gatekeeper responded with a question, "How did you find the nature of people in the place from which you have come?" The man replied, "They were a horrible bunch. Cheaters. Liars. Malicious." The gatekeeper said, "You will find the people here much the same."

 

You get what you give, fellas.

 

It's beyond stupid for women to bring up the 'you get what you give' talk.

 

Women reject men who are equal to them in every way literally hundreds of thousands of times every day.

 

If you 'just don't feel it', fine. But don't start that argument. You'll get crushed.

Edited June 14, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[mynailpolishchipped]

And men do the same to women.

 

SOME men to SOME women. See the difference?

 

Love is all about timing. You could walk up to a girl one day who might turn you down when if you had approached her a week before she might have accepted your advances.

 

People have to be in the right mindset, have the same goals, have had similar experiences, have psychological deficiencies that complement one another (because WE ALL have some type of psychological deficiency.)

 

Immediately after my separation from a 13 year relationship (8 year marriage,) I was going out quite often. A guy tried to dance with me one night. My friend had mentioned earlier that he was attractive. At the time, I wasn't feeling too hot about myself. This guy was your stereotypical "tall dark and handsome." I just assumed he was drunk, was approaching me mindlessly, and that he would be a much better match for my younger, never married friend. I pushed the two of them to dance. They exchanged numbers, but nothing occurred after that night. Throughout the next year, I would see him from time to time as we frequented the same places. I never thought much of it. Once, as I was ordering a drink, I felt something, and turned to see that he was dancing next to me. He looked at me and smiled; I was in such shock, I am sure I resembled a deer in headlights. I grabbed my drink and walked as quickly as I could back to my table.

 

Now, this guy is happily dating someone else and out of my reach. When I think back over the past months, I think...Was it a coincidence we were always at the same places? Were those advances just "in fun" or something more serious? I still don't know, because the fact remains that I am 1.) an introvert 2.) not quite sure how I "rate" in the looks department and 3.) unskilled in my reaction to "flirting."

 

My mindset, experiences, and psychological deficiencies just didn't match his.

 

How many of the times that you were turned down was this the case? More than likely, the majority could be attributed to this.

 

Absolutes never work at defining anything. Humans are much too complex.

[JuneJulySeptember]

And men do the same to women.

 

 

Much less so, because men approach.

 

Men typically will date their equals. It might not last, but they typically do.

Edited June 14, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[johndoe2]

Love is all about timing. You could walk up to a girl one day who might turn you down when if you had approached her a week before she might have accepted your advances.

So in other words, it's all determined by ephemeral whims, not anything deep or lasting about the person in question.

 

Well there you have it: it is, indeed, far better to be lucky than good.

 

Women reject men who are equal to them in every way literally hundreds of thousands of times every day.

The last woman who turned me down (or rather, broke things off after the second date) was unkempt, overweight, had a mustache, and was marginally shorter than me (and I'm pretty short). Not an engaging personality either. I settled for her when I went out with her, I tried hard to be attracted to her, and would have been able to live with it; the mustache though really kind of bothered me (I'm clean shaven). In the end, even she thought she could do better.

 

I'm gonna have to settle, I know that. I can hardly afford to have any physical standards whatsoever. I wish I could at least maintain a 'no mustache' policy though.

[mynailpolishchipped]

You know, we all get stuck in negative cycles, and I have probably uttered the same things you just did (lucky guys just fall into relationships.)

 

But, let's think about this logically. First, can luck REALLY even exist? What decides luck? Is there a Luck Fairy dancing behind the azalea bushes and sporadically spewing her glittery blessing on unwary passersby?

 

A more probable explanation would be that more confident, experienced men are more successful at landing relationships.

 

Now, don't think I am taking the pulpit here from my experience as one of these more confident, experienced, successful people. I have, more than likely, the same issues as you. BUT, I do know that I can't blame away my difficulties with maintaining relationships on something as whimsical as luck. Instead, I have to look inside myself.

 

What am I doing that is resulting in a lack of success?

 

I am an introvert. This makes it difficult for me to participate in small talk conversations, which are MANDATORY at the beginning of a relationship. I find them incredibly boring, so I have avoided them, so I am TERRIBLE at them. I am sure I come across as aloof and uninterested (or perhaps as a nervous fool) because I haven't had enough experience. What can I do to fix this? I have to HAVE MORE SMALL TALK CONVERSATIONs. Yuck. Not worth it.

 

I am attracted to a different sort of man. I am in a professional field, in the deep south, so all of my "haunts" are filled with purple and gold wearing frat boy alumnus that hunt on the weekends and vote Republican. I am not saying there is something wrong with this, just that it is not what I WANT, so my dating pool is narrow.

 

I am so busy. Two children and the nephew that I am raising monopolize my time, and then there is the fact that I have a demanding job that requires after hour work that I still have to supplement with tutoring 4 days a week.

 

All of these issues are within me, not outside of me, and are the reasons I found it difficult to "fall in to" a relationship.

Edited June 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mynailpolishchipped]

Ephermal is the exact opposite of what I am saying.

 

Did you read the post?

 

You are the one reducing it to an ephemeral whim, when in truth, it more than likely has nothing to do with they guy and the moment but with all of the other obstacles and chaos that life is throwing at said girl at that period in her life.

 

You know what the problem is here? We have been fed this idea of fireworks and love at first sight by this Disney Run society we live in. I call bull****.

 

Just like you can't swim when it's lightning, you can't begin a healthy relationship when the time is not right. AND, once it has began, you can't maintain that healthy relationship unless both partners are equally devoted to the HARD WORK real love requires. (okay, so that last sentence is a bit off topic, but it's a personal pet peeve so I rambled a bit.)

 

My gosh. Haven't you ever broken up with somebody? AS you were coming to the decision, didn't you realize it wasn't because something was inherently wrong with that person, but because that person just didn't match you? Did that experience help you understand that the same is also true for others?

[JuneJulySeptember]

The last woman who turned me down (or rather, broke things off after the second date) was unkempt, overweight, had a mustache, and was marginally shorter than me (and I'm pretty short). Not an engaging personality either. I settled for her when I went out with her, I tried hard to be attracted to her, and would have been able to live with it; the mustache though really kind of bothered me (I'm clean shaven). In the end, even she thought she could do better.

 

I'm gonna have to settle, I know that. I can hardly afford to have any physical standards whatsoever. I wish I could at least maintain a 'no mustache' policy though.

 

If more guys had the chance to reject more women, they'd think more like women.

 

That's the way it really should be. Equal approaches for each side.

[mynailpolishchipped]

You are right, men do do the approaching, so in the beginning, they are the ones that are taking all the risks and feeling all the consequences of those risks.

 

But you get us in the end game, don't you? I don't know many husbands sobbing over their ex wife leaving them for a younger man; it seems to be much more so the other way around.

 

I can't imagine how hard it must be to approach a woman. I could probably never do it. But just as much as that sucks for you, checking your texts hourly to see if he is going to text back sucks just as bad.

 

Men have all the control. Sometimes, I feel like I have to wait for someone to decide they want me, and it pisses me off. Why can't I do the deciding?

 

Blech on patriarchal societies.

[JuneJulySeptember]

You are right, men do do the approaching, so in the beginning, they are the ones that are taking all the risks and feeling all the consequences of those risks.

 

I can't imagine how hard it must be to approach a woman. I could probably never do it.

 

I'm not here to discuss who has it harder men or women, really.

 

I'm just saying that the reason why these threads get created is because you have a guy who has a college degree, a job, dresses decent, gels his hair, and is a nice guy and says, "God, how come no women hit on me? How come I'm not getting messages from decent looking college educated gals?"

 

It makes sense why that would upset somebody and it sounds like you inherently understand that, which is good. And rare.

[johndoe2]

You are the one reducing it to an ephemeral whim, when in truth, it more than likely has nothing to do with they guy and the moment but with all of the other obstacles and chaos that life is throwing at said girl at that period in her life.

You said that it basically depended on the day or the week. That sounds pretty ephemeral to me. And chaos sounds pretty ephemeral too. Sure, serious things happen, relatives die, people get fired from their jobs; but these are not every day things, they are rare. On a day to day basis, what a person is looking for in a partner does not seem like something that should fluctuate that much.

 

But you get us in the end game, don't you? I don't know many husbands sobbing over their ex wife leaving them for a younger man; it seems to be much more so the other way around.

Hate to burst your bubble, but men are actually more disproportionately afflicted by depression after divorce than women. It is women, not men, who file for over two thirds of divorces. And the male suicide rate (usually about 4x the female one) goes up tremendously: divorced men commit suicide 8 times the rate divorced women do.

 

Why does divorce make men more suicidal than women? ? Cafferty File - CNN.com Blogs

Divorce and suicide risk -- Kposowa 57 (12): 993 -- Journal of Epidemiology & Community Health

 

Men have all the control.

Ha, yeah right. Get a grip please.

 

Blech on patriarchal societies.

Everything's teh patriarch's fault, I see.

[h0000]

i have never seen what OP has described: only one (or two) beautiful women in the room, every man is going after her, too much competition.

what i have seen is that there are many attractive women in the room, all men are approaching different women because beauty is subjective they are attracted to different kind of woman.

 

Another thing, sometimes a beautiful woman can tell if the guys are only after her beauty or her actual self

Edited June 14, 2015 by h0000

[mynailpolishchipped]

Women file the divorces because the men never get around to it, despite the fact that they are the ones that do the leaving.

 

I do not think this is because men are "bad," but more than likely because they are not as proficient at searching within as women and because men are more prone to try and correct unhappiness with external patches that are more "taboo" (cheating, drinking) and so more often lead to divorce. Women, on the other hand, choose less visual addictions (shopping) that end up being less insulting (though no less damaging) to their partners.

 

And the chaos of which I was speaking wasn't a relative dying or a recent bout with the flu, but rather the mental and emotional ramifications of a lifetime of experiences.

 

Take me for example. Mom on drugs, don't know who my dad is, raised by a grandmother in a state of arrested development and a grandfather who enabled a household of crazies that included a litany of drug abusers. What is the result? Despite the fact that I am a successful professional, Ive got some serious worth and rejection issues. Of course I am not going to respond well to a cold approach; I am going to be trying to figure out what the joke is! The difference between me and the other women on the bar sipping on their appletinis (other than the fact I am holding a beer instead) is that I am aware of my "rose" colored lens and can sometimes push it aside...most people just aren't reflective enough to do that. I am not saying that the blue eyed blonde (that phrase sickens me) has daddy issues, too, but I promise you, she's got something, and that something is more than likely why she isn't taking the drink you offered.

[kenmore]

Well there you have it: it is, indeed, far better to be lucky than good.

 

I have not read everything here but this sentence stands out to me. I have to agree 100%!

[mynailpolishchipped]

I get that you are not saying one has it any harder than the other; I agree. It's difficult for everyone. That's why we are hear, in the AM, on a forum.

 

I guess my point is that dapper danned man needs to 1.) figure out what he's really looking for instead of continuously hoping for the cliche and 2.) understand that he is not the alpha and omega and the rejection may have nothing to do with him and 3.) look inside himself to pinpoint what his own "mistakes" may be.

 

Plus, I just really like to debate. Only in writing though. Not verbally. That makes me shudder.

[fireflywy]

All I can say is.. Good luck OP!

 

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xeCz2UiCBpI/UFoeG82y6wI/AAAAAAAABLg/mYlMmgTbjek/s1600/12chet.jpg

[mynailpolishchipped]

And one more thing, you know why men are more afflicted by depression? Because they realize they screwed up too late to do anything about it.

 

My ex husband came home one day, after the second two week out of state stint in a five week period, and told me he didn't love me anymore. I asked for counseling, he said he wanted to go straight to divorce. He said "he'd tried."

 

I had no idea anything was wrong. I knew our life was difficult. We had two small kids, we were living beyond our means, he was out of state working all the time. I had mentioned it to him; I said, "we are going to lose one another if we don't find some time for us." He told me it would get easier when the kids were bigger.

 

So I waited.

 

Apparently, he had some inner struggles that he could not subdue, so instead of talking to me about it, he talked to another woman (the exact opposite of me, by the way: I am tall, dark haired, educated, average weight, and a few years older than him. She is short, blonde, overweight, younger than him, and uneducated.) He told me "AT LEAST SHE'S NICE" when he attacked me in a Lowes parking lot during a kid exchange after I said, in a calm voice i might add, "You are not being a good person. This is not a good decision."

 

I never took him to court. I let him decide how much child support to pay me, what the kid schedule was, where he could live, how much money I received off the sale of our house.

 

He had her pregnant within two months of leaving me. She moved to our state and they broke up shortly thereafter. She had the baby, and since he had moved on to the next blonde girl he moved down here from out of state, she left without notice and took the baby right back to Texas. She has refused him visitation, gets probably double the child support I do for one child when I have two, and ha has had to hire two lawyers just to get visitation. He called me not too long ago to complain about how she took the baby off of formula at six months old and started feeding him table food. He said he needed someone, a mother, that understand how stupid and unhealthy that was.

 

WELL AT LEAST SHE'S NICE.

 

He quit his job and tried to start a business, it tanked. He bought a $40,000 truck that to impress the first girl that he later had to sell to cover her child support. He is on his second pay in cash car in two months. He had to take a job making less than half of what he used to make. He has a child out of wedlock (that he gave a name I had set aside for our third child, had we had one.) He had to move back in with his mother. He had to reduce the amount of time he spends with my children because his mother lives too far away. The new girlfriend, who suffers from depression, just let and moved back to Texas, so he is now in a long distance relationship.

 

And you know what makes all of this so sad? He is not a bad person. He is intelligent, and moral; he has good family values and a strong work ethic. He is a good person that got overwhelmed and made a string of poor choices.

 

THAT is why men get more depressed afterwards. This PATRIARCHAL society we live in makes men afraid to confront their inner demons, so they look outside of themselves, and it is only after a length of time that it hits them..."Oh. love isn't a stagnant state that is or is not. I have to work at it."

 

I am the one that had to file for divorce. He left me, he has never once told me "I would like to try again," but after almost two years, I am the one that had to do the filing.

 

John Doe, I do not believe in soul mates, but I do believe there is a lady out there (sans mustache) for you. But, take a lesson from my husband. Don't justify your lack by demonizing others. Change either your approach, or what you are looking for. That doesn't mean you have to settle. That isn't fair to you, or her. But, I can bet you this, even that hot chick with legs up to her ears is going to have sagging breasts and crows feet in 20 years. So, maybe stop focusing on the without, and look at the within...which means a cold approach at the bar is never going to be the way to go.

[Taramere]

So what if the general ticking of the boxes is not realistic - and not in the extreme that you suggest.

 

What if the 45 year old balding, chubby dude, is legitimately only attracted to women that are in their 20s and slim?

 

What if expectations are built on movies and fairy tales? But those expectation are real to the people that hold them? What then?

 

Prostitutes, porn and a message board filled with other men doing the same thing. Soaking up the endlessly repeated message that they're all 100 times happier than the poor suckers out there who are genuinely loved by infuriatingly and embarrassingly imperfect harpies who will demand to be loved in return - even when their boobs start heading southwards.

[johndoe2]

I guess my point is that dapper danned man needs to 1.) figure out what he's really looking for instead of continuously hoping for the cliche and 2.) understand that he is not the alpha and omega and the rejection may have nothing to do with him and 3.) look inside himself to pinpoint what his own "mistakes" may be.

Yes, but it is often difficult to distinguish between one case and another. I've never had any luck with women; I've tried approaching a couple and gotten rejected and been assured by the denizens of the internet that I didn't do anything wrong, just take it in stride, I never feel sure, never know if I'm not just repeating some old mistake that no one will ever point out.

 

Also not having many friends, and none who go out a lot (married types and wrokaholics) and working a lot myself, I think cold approach is almost the only way to go for me. Which is unfortunate as my milquetoast introverted personality is not cut out for cold approaching.

 

Plus, I just really like to debate. Only in writing though. Not verbally. That makes me shudder.

But of course, until someone figures out how to punch me in the face through the internet for making them angry, I will always feel safer debating in writing, a safe distance away from my interlocutor. Lol.

 

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xeCz2UiCBpI/UFoeG82y6wI/AAAAAAAABLg/mYlMmgTbjek/s1600/12chet.jpg

I think I went out with her once. The things she can do with those extra long fingers!

[elaine567]

 

You know what the problem is here? We have been fed this idea of fireworks and love at first sight by this Disney Run society we live in. I call bull****.

 

 

YES, YES and more YES.