On a date: looking at other woman: dealbreaker -_-

June 6, 2015

I once had a 3rd or 4th date with this gal. We'd slept together already and she knew I was a jokester and wise ass. We were at the movies and these really cute actress was on the screen. I leaned over to her and joked "yea, I'd hit that".. OMG, she freaked out, went silent on me and turned into the drama queen from hell after the movie.
Yea, she had other red flags as well and was kicked to the curb.

I would be baffled why a man I'm dating would think it's necessary or appropriate to share something like this with me. Unless you have similar sense of humour and it would be some inside joke which it obviously wasn't. Not tolerating disrespectful comments is not insecurity, in fact it's quite the opposite.

It's not that you can't find other women attractive or must be blind to your date's flaws, it is about respect and making the other person feel comfortable and appreciated in your company.

Honestly, this thread reminds me of an old thread where a guy thought it was funny when he said to her girlfriend who had lost a lot of weight that her skin looks like a reptile.

Edited June 6, 2015 by bene

June 6, 2015

Ooooooh... bad form, dude...

My question is:

1. Is this a true red flag? (insecure woman?)

Yes, but the flag is an insensitive, contemptable male. You didn't know her well enough to be acting like that. Were she a friends you'd already known and had that level of rapport with her, that's one thing. But you didn't know her from a can of paint and you take her on a date to then talk about how hot other women were? The fact that you "let" her dance with other men is non sequitur.

2. Did I dodge a bullet here? (since I will probably not meet her again)

No, she has. She will meet another man who doesn't have the level of contempt for women that you have and he will treat her with far more consideration and respect.

I think men should be allowed to look at other women, it's what we do...

then do it on your own time and not when you're out on a date that most likely you asked her on.

And women look at men too? Maybe I should start date women with higher self-esteem.

This isnt about women having higher self esteem... this is about males who do not have contempt for women.

June 6, 2015

We both danced with other people, so whats the problem? On the first date we also went to a dance club to dance salsa after a few drinks in a bar.

Maybe I need to build the attraction again on the second date without other people interfering... allthough it was her idea to go there.

OF COURSE she danced with other people, what was she going to do? Walk to the sidelines and watch as her date for the evening dances with other women??

This was the only way she could save face. You brought her somewhere and proceeded to check out other women, dance with other women and basically treat her like she was just any other person. But she wasn't, this was a woman you asked out on a date.

When a guy asks me out on a date, I expect he will be showing interest in me, and only me.

And as someone else wrote, if you can't go somewhere and only focus on your date, you have problems.

I'm not sure if you're trying to be this super alpha, PUA, type individual? But it's very unattractive and off-putting. It shows a clear lack of boundaries, restraint, and respect for the person you're with.

It's not a red flag at all that she was annoyed. Any woman with standards, self esteem, and respect for herself would have been turned off.

The red flags are actually coming from YOUR END, and it is SHE who dodged the bullet. But all of this has been said multiple times already.

Are you even looking for a serious girlfriend or are you just looking for a revolving door of women to sleep with?

June 6, 2015

Yeah dancing with other women would be cool if your date was out of your leagues, but if she's chubby like you say, she probably has some self esteem issues. She sounded jealous for sure.

June 6, 2015

Op, you have something you need to learn about women - when dating one, you don't refer to other women as attractive... ever... and you should probably not dance with other women on a date, unless they are old ladies or little girls at a wedding. I don't care what she does, you be your own man and do the right thing.

Your date needs to feel like she's the only woman in the room.

June 6, 2015

So I just came back from a (second) date with a woman, the first date we had was great! So we agreed for a second date in a salsa dance club. Great I thought!

So as the night progressed and we had fun, I danced with her but also with other women that night. When we weren't dancing, we were sipping a beer looking at other couples dancing. I also mentioned some couples and individual female for their dancing skills and said they were attractive.

Here comes the fun part, my date wasn't exactly Mrs. Size 38 (infact she was quite chubby), and im fine with that. However, I noticed that she started asking me questions like " Ohh, so you like that woman? Well maybe you should date her then....". Basically reflecting every situation to herself and her insecurity (?). Don't forget: I let her dance the whole night with other men too

After our date, on the way back to the trainstation (she lived in a different city), she told me " I don't like the fact that you are looking at other woman like that". I said " wow, but don't women look at men too? ". She said: "well not like you do".

It all reminded me of this great video I saw earlier this year:

My question is:

1. Is this a true red flag? (insecure woman?)
2. Did I dodge a bullet here? (since I will probably not meet her again)

I think men should be allowed to look at other women, it's what we do... And women look at men too? Maybe I should start date women with higher self-esteem.

It's disrespectful to do that with a woman you've just met. I woulnd't look at another man if I were on a date with a new man I'm interested in. I don't care how secure and independent a woman is, she's going to feel a disrespected. You are allowed to look, of course, but don't be blatant about it and rub it in her face. It's not about her having low esteem at this point, it's about you being inconsiderate. If you really like her, you'll be focused on her and only her. If you're not doing that, then she's questioning your intentions etc. I'd say since you were looking, you may not have really liked her enough anyway.

If you'd been dating for a while and she felt secure enough in the relationship, she probably wouldn't mind too much unless you were rubbing it in her face. If you're doing it just cuz guys look and she couldn't get over it, then you might thing she has a bigger self esteem issue.

June 6, 2015

IMO, unless you have a prior understanding about intentions ("we'll just go hang out and do whatever") or identities (I check out women all the time but it's understood bc anyone I go out with knows that's who I am), then a date means two people - you and your date, where you focus on each other exclusively. Anything else is not a date. So it sounds like you treated your date like hanging out together, which unless you arranged that ahead of time was just plain rude to her.

I wish I'd been there - I would have rescued her and taken over your date for you.

June 7, 2015

I think the female bias is quite high is this topic and I therefore get a lot of blame here for my actions. I've been called annoying, rude, disrespectful etc. Although I get your message and yes I agree to some extent that I should focus on my date and not so much on other women, I think there are always two sides of the story, things that you don't even see but just fill in for yourself.

Im probably going to get a lot of flame and blame from many women for saying this: but this woman failed my test. If she can't put up with me complementing another women and wants all attention for herself for every moment of the evening (how selfish) then she isn't relationship material in the first place and will probably turn out to be a manipulative jealous **** later one. (can't imagine going to any place with such a person without getting BS)

Call me an arrogant misogynist, but I have had many women appreciating my sharp / wise-ass sense of humor. And perhaps you all didn't read my topic start: it was her idea in the first place to go dancing and I had sex with her previously, which should mean something: e.g. "he is into me and I should not act like a stupid emotional child when he looks at / complements another girl". Women should understand that they are not some sort of shiny princess when they grow up, they just can't demand a guy always being 100% devoted to her needs. Somehow I get the blame for her insecurity, but I don't feel I should be accountable for her female oversensitive emotional fallacies. Whenever **** hits the fan, it always the guy who takes the blame.

Lets agree to disagree, im waiting for the ****storm ;-)

Edited June 7, 2015 by NC-Thomas

June 7, 2015

, but I have had many women appreciating my sharp / wise-ass sense of humor.

And where are these women now?

June 7, 2015

Everyone seems to be missing he fact that it's a salsa club - at a salsa club you dance with many people. If the date agreed to go there, she should expect to dance with many people.

Now is that a good idea for a second date? Not so sure.

But definitely I agree with others here, commenting on other girls attractiveness is pushing the line a bit far. Now if you said something like that couple are great dancers, that might be fine.

I think you don't really fancy this girl much, you have talked a bit about her chubiness and about how other girls there were hot. Maybe you subconscioulsy wanted to sabotage the date a bit?

June 7, 2015

. If she can't put up with me complementing another women and wants all attention for herself for every moment of the evening (how selfish) then she isn't relationship material in the first place and will probably turn out to be a manipulative jealous **** later one. (can't imagine going to any place with such a person without getting BS)

And if you can't give your attention to your date either you have ADHD or you're just not that into her. The fact that you had sex with her and THEN complimented other women must have really hurt her feelings.

But it sounds like you get lots of dates so you don't really need my help.

June 7, 2015

By the way: I already kissed her on the first date and even had sex. So I don't see the problem. Clearly by now she would know my interest is just in her ;-)

You say your interest is just in her - but:

So next week I have a date with 2 other girls

June 7, 2015

and I had sex with her previously, which should mean something: e.g. "he is into me and I should not act like a stupid emotional child when he looks at / complements another girl".

Shows how little you know about women.

First: A man having sex with us means absolutely nothing. We know it has no value in terms of you being into us and we also know you can vanish at the blink of an eye after sex. So you thinking she should have been feeling secure because you did her shows how little you know.

Second: It's after sex that we feel the most vulnerable AND in your case it's when you decided to compliment other women in front of her. So for her it's a double blow.

You're free to not listen to us and keep on thinking you're this cool cat. It worked for you at 22, it will work less and less as you approach 30.

June 8, 2015

I think the female bias is quite high is this topic and I therefore get a lot of blame here for my actions. I've been called annoying, rude, disrespectful etc. Although I get your message and yes I agree to some extent that I should focus on my date and not so much on other women, I think there are always two sides of the story, things that you don't even see but just fill in for yourself.

Im probably going to get a lot of flame and blame from many women for saying this: but this woman failed my test. If she can't put up with me complementing another women and wants all attention for herself for every moment of the evening (how selfish) then she isn't relationship material in the first place and will probably turn out to be a manipulative jealous **** later one. (can't imagine going to any place with such a person without getting BS)

Call me an arrogant misogynist, but I have had many women appreciating my sharp / wise-ass sense of humor. And perhaps you all didn't read my topic start: it was her idea in the first place to go dancing and I had sex with her previously, which should mean something: e.g. "he is into me and I should not act like a stupid emotional child when he looks at / complements another girl". Women should understand that they are not some sort of shiny princess when they grow up, they just can't demand a guy always being 100% devoted to her needs. Somehow I get the blame for her insecurity, but I don't feel I should be accountable for her female oversensitive emotional fallacies. Whenever **** hits the fan, it always the guy who takes the blame.

Lets agree to disagree, im waiting for the ****storm ;-)

Stop whining. When you take a 2x4 to a hornet's nest, expect to get stung.

June 8, 2015

Everyone seems to be missing he fact that it's a salsa club - at a salsa club you dance with many people.

I've gone to salsa clubs with dates and we danced with each other, not others.

June 8, 2015

I think the female bias is quite high is this topic and I therefore get a lot of blame here for my actions. I've been called annoying, rude, disrespectful etc. Although I get your message and yes I agree to some extent that I should focus on my date and not so much on other women, I think there are always two sides of the story, things that you don't even see but just fill in for yourself.

Im probably going to get a lot of flame and blame from many women for saying this: but this woman failed my test. If she can't put up with me complementing another women and wants all attention for herself for every moment of the evening (how selfish) then she isn't relationship material in the first place and will probably turn out to be a manipulative jealous **** later one. (can't imagine going to any place with such a person without getting BS)

Call me an arrogant misogynist, but I have had many women appreciating my sharp / wise-ass sense of humor. And perhaps you all didn't read my topic start: it was her idea in the first place to go dancing and I had sex with her previously, which should mean something: e.g. "he is into me and I should not act like a stupid emotional child when he looks at / complements another girl". Women should understand that they are not some sort of shiny princess when they grow up, they just can't demand a guy always being 100% devoted to her needs. Somehow I get the blame for her insecurity, but I don't feel I should be accountable for her female oversensitive emotional fallacies. Whenever **** hits the fan, it always the guy who takes the blame.

Lets agree to disagree, im waiting for the ****storm ;-)

It just sounds like you care more about being right than you ever did about the poor woman's feelings. It's your prerogative to do so, but don't expect everyone to agree with you.

June 8, 2015

You went out on a date with her. She should have been your focus and when you ended up dancing with and complimenting other women, she felt disrespected and rightfully so!

When you go on a date with a woman, she needs to be your sole focus. You should want to learn all you can about this woman. If you're truly interested in her, then you should have no problem focusing all of your attention on her.

It is hurtful for a guy to compliment another woman in front of his date. I don't understand how you don't see that.

Yes she did dance with other guys, but what the heck was she SUPPOSED to do while you were dancing with other girls, just sit there?

June 8, 2015

I have enough self-confidence that it's coming out of my ears but on a second date you are better be drooling over me and give your time to me.

And would you be doing the same back to your date?

June 8, 2015

this woman failed my test. If she can't put up with me complementing another women and wants all attention for herself for every moment of the evening (how selfish) then she isn't relationship material in the first place and will probably turn out to be a manipulative jealous **** later one. (can't imagine going to any place with such a person without getting BS)

You are free to have your own standards. Just FYI - a woman who will silently stand by while her date compliments and ogles other women is truly the one with the low-self esteem. That is the woman who is going to give you grief later on when she finds her voice.

Now, there are rare women out there who are able to deal with your attitude, and even give it back. They will joke with you about hot women. They will think nothing of you dancing with other women while they grind on other guys. They will talk to other guys and wonder WTH is wrong with YOU if you show "insecurity". If that is the type of woman you are looking for, I would find some way to communicate that before you ever go on a date and become a woman's dating-horror-story. Because as you can see on this thread, most women would not be thrilled with your behavior on this date.

Women should understand that they are not some sort of shiny princess when they grow up, they just can't demand a guy always being 100% devoted to her needs.

Wanting respect isn't being a shiny princess. There is a huge difference between a woman wanting a guy to be 100% devoted to her needs ALWAYS, and just 100% focused on her during a 2nd date.

Somehow I get the blame for her insecurity, but I don't feel I should be accountable for her female oversensitive emotional fallacies.

Perhaps women aren't for you. Have you ever considered switching teams?

June 8, 2015

If a girl went off flirting with guys in front of me and made me feel uncomfortable, I would next her so quick.

I mean it's one thing if we're committed and she's just being playful and I know that she's mine, but when you're still feeling each other out dating, there is no place for that.

June 8, 2015

I've gone to salsa clubs with dates and we danced with each other, not others.

I guess if it was more of a bar with a dance floor and some salsa music on then yeah that's likely. I got the impression this was more of an organised club and any time I've done that it's sorta rude to ignore the others.

But yeah anyway I think the real issue is more the lack of respect via comments about other girls. I think most women would not be impressed, even the ones that said nothing.

June 8, 2015

So I just came back from a (second) date with a woman, the first date we had was great! So we agreed for a second date in a salsa dance club. Great I thought!

So as the night progressed and we had fun, I danced with her but also with other women that night. When we weren't dancing, we were sipping a beer looking at other couples dancing. I also mentioned some couples and individual female for their dancing skills and said they were attractive.

Here comes the fun part, my date wasn't exactly Mrs. Size 38 (infact she was quite chubby), and im fine with that. However, I noticed that she started asking me questions like " Ohh, so you like that woman? Well maybe you should date her then....". Basically reflecting every situation to herself and her insecurity (?). Don't forget: I let her dance the whole night with other men too

After our date, on the way back to the trainstation (she lived in a different city), she told me " I don't like the fact that you are looking at other woman like that". I said " wow, but don't women look at men too? ". She said: "well not like you do".

It all reminded me of this great video I saw earlier this year:

My question is:

1. Is this a true red flag? (insecure woman?)
2. Did I dodge a bullet here? (since I will probably not meet her again)

I think men should be allowed to look at other women, it's what we do... And women look at men too? Maybe I should start date women with higher self-esteem.

I am not sure of any woman that would want to hear her date pointing out and commenting on other women's attractiveness on a second date. I'm not sure I'd be down with it at all, really, but definitely not on a "getting to know you" date. And is it really appropriate to point out that she's chubby? As if that has something to do with her reaction?

No, you were being kind of disrespectful. It's one thing to be salsa dancing and for both of you to be dancing with other people. It's another to point out and comment on other attractive women on a date. She wasn't being self-conscious, but rather telling you that she doesn't approve of your inappropriate behavior.

You're definitely not the one dodging the bullet.

June 8, 2015

She didn't sound insecure to me. She sounds like a confident woman who tells it like it is. She's looking for a different type of man. I completely understand her point of view.

June 9, 2015

I wonder how OP would feel if his date checking out other guys and tell him "oh that guy is cute. Oh that one is sexy. Hm I like this guys butt" .

It is ok with dance with other girls but not cool to comment on them, to your date.

Keep the stupid sh** to yourself. No one is interested to know how you think about other women.

Edited June 9, 2015 by h0000

June 9, 2015

I don't care about looking. I don't expect a man to never look.

But you COMMENTED. You told your date about the other women in the room you find attractive.

My ex did that in the past. Would talk about other girls and their big boobs. I finally went off on him.

If you see an attractive woman, don't inform your date about it!! That's all, really.

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On a date: looking at other woman: dealbreaker -_-

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