On a date: looking at other woman: dealbreaker -_-

[NC-Thomas]

So I just came back from a (second) date with a woman, the first date we had was great! So we agreed for a second date in a salsa dance club. Great I thought!

 

So as the night progressed and we had fun, I danced with her but also with other women that night. When we weren't dancing, we were sipping a beer looking at other couples dancing. I also mentioned some couples and individual female for their dancing skills and said they were attractive.

 

Here comes the fun part, my date wasn't exactly Mrs. Size 38 (infact she was quite chubby), and im fine with that. However, I noticed that she started asking me questions like " Ohh, so you like that woman? Well maybe you should date her then....". Basically reflecting every situation to herself and her insecurity (?). Don't forget: I let her dance the whole night with other men too

 

After our date, on the way back to the trainstation (she lived in a different city), she told me " I don't like the fact that you are looking at other woman like that". I said " wow, but don't women look at men too? ". She said: "well not like you do".

 

It all reminded me of this great video I saw earlier this year:

 

My question is:

 

1. Is this a true red flag? (insecure woman?)

2. Did I dodge a bullet here? (since I will probably not meet her again)

 

I think men should be allowed to look at other women, it's what we do... And women look at men too? Maybe I should start date women with higher self-esteem.

Edited June 6, 2015 by NC-Thomas

[Brigit]

So I just came back from a (second) date with a woman, the first date we had was great! So we agreed for a second date in a salsa dance club. Great I thought!

 

So as the night progressed and we had fun, I danced with her but also with other women that night. When we weren't dancing, we were sipping a beer looking at other couples dancing. I also mentioned some couples and individual female for their dancing skills and said they were attractive.

 

Here comes the fun part, my date wasn't exactly Mrs. Size 38 (infact she was quite chubby), and im fine with that. However, I noticed that she started asking me questions like " Ohh, so you like that woman? Well maybe you should date her then....". Basically reflecting every situation to herself and her insecurity (?). Don't forget: I let her dance the whole night with other men too

 

After our date, on the way back to the trainstation (she lived in a different city), she told me " I don't like the fact that you are looking at other woman like that". I said " wow, but don't women look at men too? ". She said: "well not like you do".

 

It all reminded me of this great video I saw earlier this year:

 

My question is:

 

1. Is this a true red flag? (insecure woman?)

2. Did I dodge a bullet here? (since I will probably not meet her again)

 

I think men should be allowed to look at other women, it's what we do... And women look at men too? Maybe I should start date women with higher self-esteem.

 

Perhaps dancing with other women on a second date isn't such a wonderful idea. Next time take your date to a restaurant. If you want to go to salsa socials and dance with a bunch of women you can go when you're NOT on a date. In fact my BFF is going to one of those tonight and she will be dancing with all the men.

[NC-Thomas]

Perhaps dancing with other women on a second date isn't such a wonderful idea. Next time take your date to a restaurant. If you want to go to salsa socials and dance with a bunch of women you can go when you're NOT on a date. In fact my BFF is going to one of those tonight and she will be dancing with all the men.

 

We both danced with other people, so whats the problem? On the first date we also went to a dance club to dance salsa after a few drinks in a bar.

 

Maybe I need to build the attraction again on the second date without other people interfering... allthough it was her idea to go there.

[Gaeta]

I have enough self-confidence that it's coming out of my ears but on a second date you are better be drooling over me and give your time to me.

 

I find your behavior inappropriate. You took this lady on a 2nd date I imagine it was to get to know her better but you took her to a social event where you spent your time dancing with other women and openly watched and complimented other women.

 

Ya sure she got to dance with other men, that's how you justify yourself, but the thing is she was not on a date with you to dance with other men. She was on a date with you to spend time with you, get to know you, and dance with you.

 

Also, I believe she point this out to you at the end of the date because your behavior was THAT annoying. She probably would have let it slide if you had been a little more sensitive toward her.

[aloneinaz]

I don't think it's wise to comment on other women whether is positive or negative when you're first dating. If you were pointing out an attractive girl who was a good dancer, I'm sure it rubbed her the wrong way, especially if she was overweight.

 

 

I once had a 3rd or 4th date with this gal. We'd slept together already and she knew I was a jokester and wise ass. We were at the movies and these really cute actress was on the screen. I leaned over to her and joked "yea, I'd hit that".. OMG, she freaked out, went silent on me and turned into the drama queen from hell after the movie.

Yea, she had other red flags as well and was kicked to the curb.

 

 

To your question, yes, she's clearly very insecure, over sensitive and I bet has other emotional baggage you don't want to explore.

[lollipopspot]

So as the night progressed and we had fun, I danced with her but also with other women that night. When we weren't dancing, we were sipping a beer looking at other couples dancing. I also mentioned some couples and individual female for their dancing skills and said they were attractive.

 

I think dancing with others on a date is bad form; also mentioning other attractive females. Just focus on your date.

[lollipopspot]

I once had a 3rd or 4th date with this gal. We'd slept together already and she knew I was a jokester and wise ass. We were at the movies and these really cute actress was on the screen. I leaned over to her and joked "yea, I'd hit that".. OMG, she freaked out, went silent on me and turned into the drama queen from hell after the movie.

 

It's baffling why you'd say that to a date, joking or not. Sounds like you want a buddy more than a date.

[newmoon]

why would you dance with any other women on your 2nd date? if you liked her you should have only been dancing with each other. her comments are appropriate and she was probably only dancing with other people at your suggestion? did she suggest that you and she find other partners? it doesn't sound like something a woman would willingly come up with. of course she'd be insecure. i'd dump you.

[NC-Thomas]

I don't feel like I have been annoying or insensitive or treating her unrespectfully.

 

1. I danced with her multiple times. Even taught her some new steps. She was my main attention for that night.

2. Talked to her multiple times for the greater deal of the evening.

3. She told me she wouldn't mind if i dance with other people.

4. It was her idea to go there in the first place.

5. She danced with other people too.

 

So tell me, why are you blaming me for this? I have had many great dates at this salsa school with women before.

 

Sure this date wasn't all about her, it was about us both having fun, her discovering this part of my life. And frankly, I feel that any woman that is buthurt about his guy / date looking or complementing other women shows a clear lack of self-worth. Infact it would make her very attractive if she would just agree on it. It was not like I was saying: "god that woman looks way better than you!". No, but that is what happens in the mind of many woman, they automatically compare themselves to this other woman...

 

PS: we were NOT at a nightclub, but at a professional dancing school for salsa. It's normal that you dance with other people. Just mentioning.

Edited June 6, 2015 by NC-Thomas

[Gaeta]

I don't feel like I have been annoying or insensitive or treating her unrespectfully.

 

1. I danced with her multiple times. Even taught her some new steps. She was my main attention for that night.

2. Talked to her multiple times for the greater deal of the evening.

3. She told me she wouldn't mind if i dance with other people.

4. It was her idea to go there in the first place.

5. She danced with other people too.

 

So tell me, why are you blaming me for this? I have had many great dates at this salsa school with women before.

 

Sure this date wasn't all about her, it was about us both having fun, her discovering this part of my life. And frankly, I feel that any woman that is buthurt about his guy / date looking or complementing other women shows a clear lack of self-worth. Infact it would make her very attractive if she would just agree on it. It was not like I was saying: "god that woman looks way better than you!". No, but that is what happens in the mind of many woman, they automatically compare themselves to this other woman...

 

PS: we were NOT at a nightclub, but at a professional dancing school for salsa. Just mentioning.

 

May I ask how old you are?

 

Wrong timing.

 

When you're in an established relationship, when you officially got each other, you know those comments on the opposite sex are just that comments. I can tell my boyfriend that I find Liam Neeson so hot, he's not gonna care. BUT, if during out 2nd date I had been pointing at him other dudes in the room I don't think he would have appreciated.

[Fleur de cactus]

She is not insecure but complimenting other women was like to tell her " my attention goes to other and not to you, this woman is better then you, i am here with you but my i am interested in thAt one." If i was her I would do the sAme. Sorry but your behavior was wrong.

[NC-Thomas]

Im 27.

 

I feel like I might have overdone that "joke". I was just trying to be funny, but she got all buthurt about it.

 

Three years ago when I met my long time girlfriend I made a similar comment (about a woman with way too tight pants) after 5 minutes after seeing her and we both laughed about it and continued.

 

I feel that some women can handle these things without getting insecure, while others get all upset. Is that my bad? Perhaps. Is that her being buthurt? Perhaps.

 

Maybe it was because she was fairly overweight and I mentioned a girl that was clearly more attractive than her although I didn't mean anything with it. Although it should calibrate and frame this, some women just have confidence issues.

 

By the way: I already kissed her on the first date and even had sex. So I don't see the problem. Clearly by now she would know my interest is just in her ;-)

Edited June 6, 2015 by NC-Thomas

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I've been fortunate to have only encountered a few guys in my adult life who didn't know how to properly treat and respect a woman while out on a date.

 

The truth of it is...some men are completely oblivious to how disrespectful, boorish and how 'alpha' they behave when they're with a respectable and decent woman. I'm glad that his date successfully dodged this bullet. She'll go on to date other men who will focus on her and her ONLY during the dating phase. She'll date men who will have zero interest on dancing with or ogling at other women and those men will save the sexually objectifying comments about how 'hot' those other women are for when they're hanging out with their buddies.

 

 

 

.

[Gaeta]

Im 27.

 

I feel like I might have overdone that "joke". I was just trying to be funny, but she got all buthurt about it.

 

Three years ago when I met my long time girlfriend I made a similar comment (about a woman with way too tight pants) after 5 minutes after seeing her and we both laughed about it and continued.

 

I feel that some women can handle these things without getting insecure, while others get all upset. Is that my bad? Perhaps. Is that her being buthurt? Perhaps.

 

Maybe it was because she was fairly overweight and I mentioned a girl that was clearly more attractive than her although I didn't mean anything with it. Although it should calibrate and frame this, some women just have confidence issues.

 

By the way: I already kissed her on the first date and even had sex. So I don't see the problem. Clearly by now she would know my interest is just in her ;-)

 

 

hhmm I think that's you that is having gentleman issues :-)

 

You're 27, it's time to learn how to treat a woman like a lady and to be an attentive gentleman. As you'll get older women will be expecting more out of you and this 'buddy' behavior will be less and less welcomed by women you'll date.

[elaine567]

I don't feel like I have been annoying or insensitive or treating her unrespectfully.

Believe me, NO woman wants her date to be letching after other women.

SHE is supposed to be the focus of your attention, and a man pointing out or complimenting or gawking at other women, is an idiot and is making a rod for his own back.

Whether she is chubby or skinny, secure or insecure, hot or not, she is going to be upset. She may sulk, she may get argumentative, she may even laugh about it and pretend it is fine, but deep down she will be upset and peeved that you do not find her attractive enough for you to stop checking out other hot women, whilst in her company.

It is rude and disrespectful.

[MissBee]

So I just came back from a (second) date with a woman, the first date we had was great! So we agreed for a second date in a salsa dance club. Great I thought!

 

So as the night progressed and we had fun, I danced with her but also with other women that night. When we weren't dancing, we were sipping a beer looking at other couples dancing. I also mentioned some couples and individual female for their dancing skills and said they were attractive.

 

Here comes the fun part, my date wasn't exactly Mrs. Size 38 (infact she was quite chubby), and im fine with that. However, I noticed that she started asking me questions like " Ohh, so you like that woman? Well maybe you should date her then....". Basically reflecting every situation to herself and her insecurity (?). Don't forget: I let her dance the whole night with other men too

 

After our date, on the way back to the trainstation (she lived in a different city), she told me " I don't like the fact that you are looking at other woman like that". I said " wow, but don't women look at men too? ". She said: "well not like you do".

 

It all reminded me of this great video I saw earlier this year:

 

My question is:

 

1. Is this a true red flag? (insecure woman?)

2. Did I dodge a bullet here? (since I will probably not meet her again)

 

I think men should be allowed to look at other women, it's what we do... And women look at men too? Maybe I should start date women with higher self-esteem.

 

 

When I'm already in a relationship i.e. I know the guy pretty well by then and have had time to be secure in what we have I have no problems pointing out attractive women to him for example. That is entirely different than going on a first date with a man who is pointing out which other women are attractive...

 

A first date is when your attention should be on the person you're getting to know. It can already be awkward and where you're trying to feel out this person and how you feel about them and them you, so it's really not the time to do stuff to foster insecurity, like pointing out who else is attractive.

 

Like I said: AFTER I'm in a relationship, which means I know my guy is 100% into me, it's not the first date where I don't know yet, I don't get hung up at if he looks at others (although most people with any social decency won't be staring down others with their SO around) and I have no issues pointing out good looking women to them. On a first date I don't think this will go over well for obvious reasons and I don't really think your date was wrong to be put-off.

 

I'm not blind to attractive men, even when in a relationship, but esp on a first date I'm not going to comment on another man's good looks to my date...why??? If the dude is a good dancer that's ALL I would say not "He's a good dancer, and hot to boot" I mean that's simply not gonna go over well on a first date and is unnecessary.

[NC-Thomas]

OK, points taken. Some more dating advice needed:

 

So next week I have a date with 2 other girls (on different days ofc), they both really wanted me to go to salsa with them (they can both dance already!). So I agreed to take them to this same place, LOL, maybe I should reconsider...

 

I did agree to take them for a drink just beforehand (because they are both 1st dates).

 

Should I take them dancing? Even after a drink before. If they just want a partner for the night, I dont see any harm. But if they are truly interested in me only, I should maybe take them to a bar alone?

[lollipopspot]

Maybe it was because she was fairly overweight and I mentioned a girl that was clearly more attractive than her although I didn't mean anything with it. Although it should calibrate and frame this, some women just have confidence issues.

 

By the way: I already kissed her on the first date and even had sex. So I don't see the problem. Clearly by now she would know my interest is just in her ;-)

 

You were critical of her and thought you could do better. You think because you didn't say it to her face that she was fat and found her less attractive than the average woman you saw out dancing, that she didn't know. But I guarantee you she knew that you weren't really into her.

[Gaeta]

OK, points taken. Some more dating advice needed:

 

So next week I have a date with 2 other girls (on different days ofc), they both really wanted me to go to salsa with them (they can both dance already!). So I agreed to take them to this same place, LOL, maybe I should reconsider...

 

I did agree to take them for a drink just beforehand (because they are both 1st dates).

 

Should I take them dancing? Even after a drink before. If they just want a partner for the night, I dont see any harm. But if they are truly interested in me only, I should maybe take them to a bar alone?

 

Are these dates or not?

 

If they are dates then do as you both wish, if you both want to go dance than go but remember it's a date and treat it as one, keep your conversation and your attention for her.

[aloneinaz]

It's baffling why you'd say that to a date, joking or not. Sounds like you want a buddy more than a date.

 

 

I agree in looking back at it that it's wasn't appropriate. It was simply meant to be a joke like a girl watching Brat Pitt and saying "honey, I would cheat on you with him".. I thought she knew my silly humor enough by then.

 

 

Yes, it was certainly a "note to self" moment afterwards.

[NC-Thomas]

Are these dates or not?

 

If they are dates then do as you both wish, if you both want to go dance than go but remember it's a date and treat it as one, keep your conversation and your attention for her.

 

Yes they are both first dates, so logic would dictate not to go dancing for then I cannot solely focus on her ?

 

I cannot go to this dancing club without dancing with other women...

 

Perhaps this whole "lets go dancing together on a first date" is flawed because I can never build a bond with her if there are other men around asking her to dance. And im distracted as well by other women. The least I could do is to have a drink before going to this club.

Edited June 6, 2015 by NC-Thomas

[Gaeta]

Yes they are both first dates, so logic would dictate not to go dancing for then I cannot solely focus on her ?

 

I cannot go to this dancing club without dancing with other women...

 

Perhaps this whole "lets go dancing together on a first date" is flawed because I can never build a bond with her if there are other men around asking her to dance. And im distracted as well by other women. The least I could do is to have a drink before going to this club.

 

Then don't go dancing there, go dancing in a club downtown where you can spend your evening flirting with each other. I don't think this place you go dancing is a good idea for a date. It's like bringing your date at work and making her wait each time a client calls.

[Brigit]

We both danced with other people, so whats the problem? On the first date we also went to a dance club to dance salsa after a few drinks in a bar.

 

Maybe I need to build the attraction again on the second date without other people interfering... allthough it was her idea to go there.

 

I think from her responses she was testing you. I think you failed the test.

 

The best way to engage a woman is to make her feel important: this will create intimacy.

[GemmaUK]

So as the night progressed and we had fun, I danced with her but also with other women that night. When we weren't dancing, we were sipping a beer looking at other couples dancing. I also mentioned some couples and individual female for their dancing skills and said they were attractive.

 

I don't understand where the joke in here was?

You said in a later post that it was all a joke?

 

I have no issues of insecurity over how I look so any guy commenting on women he finds attractive gets no reaction from me except I might agree if I think she is attractive too.

A guy who did this often I wouldn't take seriously though. It's not going to go anywhere as it tells me a lot about his nature.

 

However, I would not do the same thing to a guy I was on a date with as I think it's a disrespectful and unkind thing to do. I look (everyone looks) but I don't need to comment on another guy's attractiveness. It's just rude, not my style.

[Taramere]

My question is:

 

1. Is this a true red flag? (insecure woman?)

2. Did I dodge a bullet here? (since I will probably not meet her again)

 

I don't see myself as particularly confident and secure, but that wouldn't bother me unduly. I think it's natural to look at beautiful people. It would only bother me if I thought the guy were doing it deliberately, for the sake of being a douche. I say think, but it's more of an instinct really. So her reaction might not have been that of woman who's insecure per se, but of one who was getting a bad vibe about you.

 

I'd also suggest that an insecure woman wouldn't have been as up front about the whole thing as she was:

 

on the way back to the trainstation (she lived in a different city), she told me " I don't like the fact that you are looking at other woman like that". I said " wow, but don't women look at men too? ". She said: "well not like you do".

 

That sounds pretty straightforward and confident to me. A less secure woman would likely have just kept quiet about her feelings...and either carried on dating you while secretly not feeling very comfortable about the situation, or just made an excuse not to see you again.

 

People have different boundaries. For some, a date glancing discreetly at a very attractive woman/man might be dismissed as a "we're all human, and at least they're not making a show of themselves/disrespecting me by gawping." When you challenged your date about women looking at men too, her response was "not like you do". That suggests that perhaps you're a bit of a gawper...and if you are, I think you'll find most women regard that as douchey behaviour. Perhaps a bit of self assessment is in order here, rather than automatically jumping to the conclusion that your date was at fault/being insecure. Particularly as she seems to have expressed her feelings in a fairly forthright way.

Edited June 6, 2015 by Taramere