Nicholas Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 I abuse drugs. I never sleep, except when it's most self-destructive. I neglect relationships with people that care about me a great deal. I'm nothing like I was. I still talk to my ex online. She still considers me a friend. Every now and then I take a break, but somehow we start talking again. I never have the nerve to tell her how much pain it causes me to keep it up. I wrote the letter tonight. I tried my best to keep it short because the long ones never make me feel better. Do I send it? Am I saying the right things? I tried really hard not to sound bitter, because I'm not bitter. Maybe I am bitter? I hope I'm not. I'd like to think of myself as strong enough to get through stuff like this. It's probably the contrast between what I am and what I'd like to think of myself as that got me in this hole in the first place. I could go on and on. Usually, I do. I go on and on and write you these long letters, and then I feel like **** afterwards because they never make me feel any better. I don't want to do that. Trust me when I tell you that it's hard to avoid that. I'm not trying to guilt you, I'm not trying to make you regret anything, I'm not appealing for help. I can't be your friend right now. It'd be an honor, but I don't have the strength. I don't know how to do it and be healthy. What we have now is not a friendship. I'm selfish, and alone, and I'm looking for you to provide something that you don't want to provide. I hurt myself, in more ways than one, and it's disgusting. I can't do things the way I'm doing them and hope to survive, let alone be happy. This isn't your fault, and I'm sorry I let it get to this point. I really am ashamed, it's embarrassing for anyone to know I'm at this point. Thank you so much for everything, I've never meant it more. Nicholas *sigh* There's something stopping me from pressing the send button. Tell me I'm doing the right thing?
pippen_2k Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 hmmmm I dunno Nicholas.. All I know, is if ur emotions are running wild right now dont send it. Cause doing something at the spare of the moment usually leads to regret. Wait till u got a clear head and then decide weather or not to send it
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by Nicholas *sigh* There's something stopping me from pressing the send button. Tell me I'm doing the right thing? It's your common sense stopping you. This is the typical addict cycle of binging then self-hatred. Don't waste energy hating yourself and drafting letters to your ex accordingly. Each cycle will bring you a little lower. Instead, do something. Decide which of your additions/problems would be the easiest to deal with. Go see a professional. Draft a letter to your ex saying "I'm summoning up the courage to deal with x by doing y. I'd really value your support in this please..."
Israfil Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 ((((((((Nicholas)))))))) You need to send it. At least this part: I can't be your friend right now. It'd be an honor, but I don't have the strength. I don't know how to do it and be healthy. What we have now is not a friendship. I'm selfish, and alone, and I'm looking for you to provide something that you don't want to provide. I hurt myself, in more ways than one, and it's disgusting. I can't do things the way I'm doing them and hope to survive, let alone be happy. Don't let people deter you by saying that your ex doesn't need to know this etc. etc., that she doesn't need explanations. She does. She must know how important it is for you to have NC right now. And she must help you in this, if she loves you at all, which I am sure she does. Sending this is an incredibly important step, and I think you know in your heart that is it the right thing to do. You have finally hit a point that is so low that you know you have to muster the strength to recover or the worst is all that awaits you. And this is the first step towards your recovery. Send it, Nicholas.
tiki Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Send it if it's how you really feel (which I'm sure it is). Are you in counseling or therapy? You need some help with your self-destructiveness. Is this your first love? The same girl you've spoke of before? Hang tight. Things will get better.
d'Arthez Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 Nicholas!! You neglect relationships with people that care about you. I highly doubt it is what reason commands you to do. And it does not happen out of thin air. The only reason I can find, is your ex, and what she means to you. I still talk to my ex online. She still considers me a friend. Every now and then I take a break, but somehow we start talking again. I never have the nerve to tell her how much pain it causes me to keep it up. "The most spiritual human beings, assuming they are the most courageous, also experience by far the most painful tragedies: but it is precisely for this reason that they honor life, because it brings against them its most formidable weapons." - Friedrich Nietzsche You have loved, and lost. And that is very hard to deal with. But your ex is just that. A human being, of the female sex. I don't know if it was a first love or not, but judging by the way the whole break up affects you, it probably is. So I assume that is the case. You may have loved every little bit of her, and you may love her still. Her smile, the sparkle in her eyes, when she laughed. Her teeth, her scent, in short everything. And these memories will remain, but the relationship is gone. And you might want to do, the big thing, and that is to keep friends with her, after the break-up. But that is hard, especially for someone who may have thought he had loved as no man had loved before. You might be better off when you afford yourself the time to heal. You don't need to tell her how much it pains you. But you should tell her, how much you need to cease contact to heal. There is no shame in that, Nicholas. You need that to love her, in the way she deserves to be loved. Even if life is not meant to be with her, you still have the remembrance. Your writing in this, and earlier posts indicate that you probably have a very high intelligence. Of course, you think of the happy times right now you shared with her. But you made these happy times too; you saw the beauty of her hair, her smile, her eyes. That is because of your brain, and appreciation for life. There may be never a woman who compares to your ex. Who knows? I myself have thought that twice after losing out for various reasons on a love-interest, in the past 8 months. And believe me, I am picky. And I may be disappointed again and again. Don't think of the future as a continuation of the present, Nicholas! It will only be that way, if you keep on thinking that way. And why would you? You are probably years from the retirement home. There is still a lot of life in you. Find the strength in yourself to prove to yourself, prove to yourself and that may be the hardest challenge you can get, that there is more to you than the person you are at the current moment. Only when you have the will and the resolve to do something about your habits, and the hurt of the loss of a relationship, you can change things in your life for the better.
Author Nicholas Posted April 28, 2005 Author Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by pippen_2k Wait till u got a clear head and then decide weather or not to send it I haven't had a clear head since last August. I don't see one in the near future. Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Instead, do something. Decide which of your additions/problems would be the easiest to deal with. Go see a professional. Draft a letter to your ex saying "I'm summoning up the courage to deal with x by doing y. I'd really value your support in this please..." I don't though, when I'm perfectly honest, I don't value her support. It's too painful. I want more than anything what I want least: to end contact with her. Originally posted by Israfil At least this part Should I nix the rest then? Originally posted by tiki Are you in counseling or therapy? You need some help with your self-destructiveness. I'm trying Kaiser, but their therapy is really lame, and I can't afford anything else. I'm honestly only doing it to get the medication. Is this your first love? The same girl you've spoke of before? That's her.
newbee Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 nicholas, you dont say quite what your objectives are. you obviously want nc, but thats easy if thats all you want, you just dont contact her and make yourself uncontactable. easy! it seems you want more than this though, what do you really want? on the whole its a very good letter, its perfect. thats the problem. if i had, (and i have in the past), written such a good letter, i would not be able to send it without thinking that i had left myself looking noble and admirable and for that reason sooner or later i would expect the result i really wanted. i am speaking from personal experience and it may not apply, in which case ignore me, however i cant help but feel that you want a result. is this the case, honestly?
bluetuesday Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 hello nicholas i know all about neglecting people. i'm the world's worst. you very badly need to bring this destructive cycle to an end. it's killing you. please, i know this is the toughest thing you've ever been through. i also know you HAVE the strength you always thought you had, you've just forgotten it. this has been going on far too long and has almost eaten your self-belief away. almost, but not quite. i don't think you particularly need to send the letter. and i don't think she particularly needs to read it. this is not about her, she has moved on. what you need to do is understand that you have reached the point where you can recognise that this is over. i think writing that letter has been valuable in that respect. and i think writing it IS the closure you seek. too many words have already been spent on this. too much over-analysis, too much trying to find the meaning in her old emails, too much trying to reason your way to a resolution. but i don't think you'll find what you seek by sending this letter. there's no solace in having her know she's causing you pain. the solace is in ending the pain for yourself. that's a mental shift you've already made, if you just knew it. you've taken a great step in writing it down. i know you think that pressing send is an end, and you fear that as much as you crave it, but in your heart you know the end has already happened. once you can see that, there is hope for the future. you know where i am if you want to talk. i am thinking about you. lindsey.
Author Nicholas Posted April 30, 2005 Author Posted April 30, 2005 Originally posted by newbee easy! Yeah. it seems you want more than this though, what do you really want? I don't know. I go back and forth. Sometimes, I want to move past this. Sometimes, I feel like I'd rather be her friend in the hopes that one day she'll grow up and be ready for a relationship with me. is this the case, honestly? It could be. I think it's more complex than I communicate it as, but you seem to have a good insight into it--it's certainly not black and white. I'm also not enthusiastic about the NC thing. Originally posted by bluetuesday that's a mental shift you've already made, if you just knew it. But, she thinks we're still friends. She still talks to me like she would a friend. The letter wasn't just an exercise in self-analysis--I do plenty of that. I wanted to let her know that I can't do the friend thing anymore, without trying to make it about her.
moimeme Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 You cannot possibly heal if you keep ripping the stitches open. And a broken man won't be any use at all to her or anyone else. So whether or not you wish to continue to harbour a tiny hope that she'll grow up and be ready for a relationship with me , you need to let the last relationship fade into the background and you need to become whole and able to be a terrific partner. Right now, there's nothing but a shell left. You need to fill that shell with you but the you that was will just keep leaking out of the holes you keep tearing. Don't send that note. Tell her only that for your own sake you need to end contact with her. Believe me, telling someone that you're totally shattered will not win her back. She'll not come running to a wreck. If she wants anyone, it's a healthy strong someone. We sometimes think that if we make ourselves totally pathetic, they'll come running to save us out of love. They won't. They'll run as far away as they can - at top speed. So cut her off and fill the shell with a stronger, better Nicholas. The tragic wasting lover went out of style with 19thC romantic novels. Which is why reinfecting yourself with your own wasting disease is completely counterproductive. If she were the codependent, 'rescuer' type, she would have done the rescue bit already. She's not and she won't so it's time to focus on healing from this.
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