sylviaguardian Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 A quick update for those who know me. For those who don't: I found out last summer that my H was involved with a woman from work but it took until March for him to admit that it had been going on for years and was sexual. I have been seeing an IC for a few weeks (I have no desire at the moment to go to JC) and it has helped me to control some of my anger. But I feel that it's only in the past 2 weeks that the reality of things has sunk in. I kept asking myself "How could he do that?", "How could this happen?". It was torture. Then it seemed to just dawn on me: my husband had a relationship with another woman because he wanted to. There is no other explanation required. Since I have realised this I have dropped some of the anger and frustration but I feel so sad all the time. My heart is broken. My sweet husband who I wanted to stay with forever chose to care about someone else and I didn't even realise. I feel so shut out and alone and I don't know if I will ever get over this. It's not even about whether or not I should stay with him now. How on earth am I supposed to pick my heart back together again and find somehing to believe in? Sylvia
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 I feel so shut out and alone and I don't know if I will ever get over this. It's not even about whether or not I should stay with him now. How on earth am I supposed to pick my heart back together again and find somehing to believe in? Infidelity sucks. My one brush with it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I don't think you can just pick your heart back together again. I think you have to accept that in the short and medium term there will anger, sadness, betrayal and a whole range of negative emotions. In the meantime, you could put in place coping strategies and plans to change the longer term. Take time with sympathetic friends. Maybe go to the gym or do some other form of self-improvement - it's important to remember yourself, rather than just obsessing about him and the relationship (the natural tendency).
MiChick43 Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 I am so sorry this has happened to you. I understand the hurt but mostly the feelings of being betrayed. Feeling like you think you know someone inside and out and you really dont. Romeo is right. You should try to do whatever you can for you right now. It is a very hurtful situation. Hugs to you.
ThumbingMyWay Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by sylviaguardian Since I have realised this I have dropped some of the anger and frustration but I feel so sad all the time. My heart is broken. My sweet husband who I wanted to stay with forever chose to care about someone else and I didn't even realise. I feel so shut out and alone and I don't know if I will ever get over this. It's not even about whether or not I should stay with him now. How on earth am I supposed to pick my heart back together again and find somehing to believe in? Sylvia Syl, I know exactly what you mean...cause at times I am in the same boat. I wish I knew what to tell you...I wish I knew what to tell myself....but at this time I dont....YET But I had another great IC yesterday....and the goal is to FOCUS on ME....fix me first...then fix my relationship. Get myself to be in a happy place....but thats the thing isnt it?....how does one fix them selves?.... WE have a long journey ahead of us Syl......stay on the path of TRUTH and HOPE...and things will get better....YOU WILL GET BETTER
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 I'm sorry Syl. Time is on your side. Vent it out, talk about it and just know that it WILL get better for you. You may always have that pain inside but it will go away. The IC is going to help SO much. You'll learn even more about yourself than you ever expected too! Hugs!
Owl Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Sylvia- While my wife's case was an EA only (but really just because of the distances involved...had she gotten on that plane, I have no doubt where it would have lead), I've had to deal with this feeling too. She did it because she chose to do so. Because she wanted to. In my case, I've forgiven her. Because I have been able to look back at what was going on at the time, and know that she really wasn't in control of herself emotionally then, totally seperate from the EA. It was depression, stress, etc... Those things warped a lot of her perceptions. In my wife's case, I know that she deeply regrets what happened, and that she honestly doesn't ever want to put herself or me through that again. How does your husband feel NOW?? Not what he's telling you...how do YOU think he's feeling now? Does he regret what happened? Or just regret getting caught? Does he really love you?? WILL IT HAPPEN AGAIN?? You've posted the advice to others to remember that it has nothing to do with the BS, the choice was the WS's. Heed that now. You've done nothing wrong. So what are YOUR plans for the future now?
Author sylviaguardian Posted April 27, 2005 Author Posted April 27, 2005 Owl, Thanks. Don't feel like this is a competition. My H didn't get as far as sleeping with the OW but I am convinced that it is because she had left their old place of work at that time. I am sure, given their previous behaviour, that that would have happened too. Unfortunately, my H didn't have any problems like depression etc - he just wanted to have a relationship with another woman because it was fun. I know that my H regrets what he did. He regrets hurting me and he regrets the mess he has made for our whole family. I think he does love me but it's not even about that anymore. It's about what can I believe in now? We may make it through, we may be alright but I know for sure that I will never again feel that he is my rock! My plans now are to try to find a way to be stronger in myself. The trouble is I don't know how to do that.... My other plan is to start living my life. For too long now I've put things I want to do on hold. I am starting to feel that now I am free from constraint and it's time to stop putting things off and go for them. A small start: my neighbour mentioned that she has started a book club. I'm going to go to that. I have other plans too to try to bring a bit of joy into my life but also to have something to aspire to. I can do all that. What I can't seem to do is get rid of the loneliness. Sylvia P.S. Are you well Owl?
Author sylviaguardian Posted April 27, 2005 Author Posted April 27, 2005 Thumbs and WWIU, I have been to IC and it's an painful process for me because it draws up all the old demons. Last week, I was crying and my counsellor had tears in his eyes too. It really drains me. Thumbs I know exactly what you mean about not knowing how to make yourself better. I think it's a process that only happens in tiny steps. I am starting to see things about myself that I never realised before. I see now that I had a very romantic, idealistic view of love which is just not what happens in real life. Slowly, I am letting go of the idea that once I met my soulmate that there would just be the two of us together forever. I see now that my idea of a 'soulmate' did not extend to ordinary human beings with faults and some bad characteristics too. I did not have a plan B for when things went wrong! The counselling is scary too. My counsellor mentioned that, as adults, we often play out experiences that have happened to us as a child. I don't know what the reason is for this, or how it happens but I am starting to see patterns in my relationships that are getting me nearer to the truth. Whatever happens, I am hanging in there. I am just not the same Sylvia that I was at this time last year but I guess that's life. Syl
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 My counsellor mentioned that, as adults, we often play out experiences that have happened to us as a child. I don't know what the reason is for this, or how it happens but I am starting to see patterns in my relationships that are getting me nearer to the truth. Couldn't agree with ya more on that one. I know for me, alot of my own personal issues that have come up had to do with stuff from my childhood. If I hadn't gone to therapy I never would have realized this. SO much of who I am and how I react to things all stem from childhood experiences, good and bad. It is scary and it's like climbing a ladder...Some days I feel like going back down cuz it's safer and I know what's what...Going up is harder as I don't know what's at that next level...But I'm too far up that ladder to head back down...Baby steps...That is all ya can do. Always be true to what you feel, and let it out. Holding it in is bad and will make things worse. I'm proud of you and all the hard work you're putting into yourself...When you are feeling good and having a good day -REWARD yourself and concentrate on the good, not the bad. This way you gain more confidence and you feel more positive inside... I'm not religious, but I tell ya, Thumbs from what you have gained through your own beliefs is really inspiring. Sometimes I wish my folks hadn't chosen to bring us up with no religion, because at times I know understand the bible and really knowing the meaning behind it all could have helped me alot. But hey, I get to learn things through you all too. Friends, online buddies and family...It all helps.
StillHurtin Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by sylviaguardian A quick update for those who know me. For those who don't: I found out last summer that my H was involved with a woman from work but it took until March for him to admit that it had been going on for years and was sexual. I have been seeing an IC for a few weeks (I have no desire at the moment to go to JC) and it has helped me to control some of my anger. But I feel that it's only in the past 2 weeks that the reality of things has sunk in. I kept asking myself "How could he do that?", "How could this happen?". It was torture. Then it seemed to just dawn on me: my husband had a relationship with another woman because he wanted to. There is no other explanation required. Since I have realised this I have dropped some of the anger and frustration but I feel so sad all the time. My heart is broken. My sweet husband who I wanted to stay with forever chose to care about someone else and I didn't even realise. I feel so shut out and alone and I don't know if I will ever get over this. It's not even about whether or not I should stay with him now. How on earth am I supposed to pick my heart back together again and find somehing to believe in? Sylvia I am so very sorry that you are going through this. Besides counseling (which I think is great, you need to work on you first b4 your M) have you asked about anti-depressants? I went in to have STD test done after I found out about my H's A and my doctor perscribed me anti-depressants and sleeping medication. I was a bawling mess when I went into see him. I couldn't handle it anymore. The crying, getting sick, not sleeping, not be able to take care of my kids, I needed help. They worked wonders! I could finally start thinking straight. I hadn't cried in several weeks until my H finally told me the truth. He was lying to me for a few months about the A even though I knew what was going on. If you haven't done so already, I would talk to your doctor and see if you can get on some meds. You will still feel a little sad, but it wont be as bad as it is now. Right now you need to work on yourself, and your kids (you have children if I remember right). Right now focus on taking care of you and your kiddo's. If you want to PM me you can. Best wishes Sylvia.
Author sylviaguardian Posted April 28, 2005 Author Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by StillHurtin I am so very sorry that you are going through this. Besides counseling (which I think is great, you need to work on you first b4 your M) have you asked about anti-depressants? I went in to have STD test done after I found out about my H's A and my doctor perscribed me anti-depressants and sleeping medication. I was a bawling mess when I went into see him. I couldn't handle it anymore. The crying, getting sick, not sleeping, not be able to take care of my kids, I needed help. They worked wonders! I could finally start thinking straight. I hadn't cried in several weeks until my H finally told me the truth. He was lying to me for a few months about the A even though I knew what was going on. If you haven't done so already, I would talk to your doctor and see if you can get on some meds. You will still feel a little sad, but it wont be as bad as it is now. Right now you need to work on yourself, and your kids (you have children if I remember right). Right now focus on taking care of you and your kiddo's. If you want to PM me you can. Best wishes Sylvia. StillHurtin, I have thought about this and I change my mind about it all the time. I have an appointment at the Doctor's anyway next week and I will see. I am very reluctant to take anti-depressants though. I asked a friend who works in mental health what she though about it and she said only take them if you really need to. I am not sure what to think about them. My feeling is that I am in an awful situation so it would be strange if I wasn't upset and I want to learn something from this all e.g. how to manage myself better emotionally. I am also worried about what happens when I come off them. Do you think that the anti-depressants let you think straight? Or did they just mask the sadness? I am not really sure if I am depressed or not, or just sad because I have lost a lot of things that meant a lot to me. I really don't know. Anyone else any thoughts on meds? Syl
amy1975 Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 unless you keep thinking about killing yourself People have expectattions, and when they are dashed people get upset. That is normal. Don't take meds: they are risky, and should be used as a last resort. If you getting out of bed everyday and taking care of your daily routine, then you are fine and meds aren't for you. An acquaintace of mine went on meds: she was constantly thinking about killing herself, couldn't get out bed in the morning, quit eating, quit bathing...going to post office was major event for her.
cranium Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 Syl, Different people react differently with anti-depressants. After I found out about her A, I tried a couple of different types unsuccessfully. Had a real disconnected feeling. I was also concerned about coming off of them. There are natural alternatives available in health food stores you may also consider. Cranium
StillHurtin Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by sylviaguardian StillHurtin, I have thought about this and I change my mind about it all the time. I have an appointment at the Doctor's anyway next week and I will see. I am very reluctant to take anti-depressants though. I asked a friend who works in mental health what she though about it and she said only take them if you really need to. I am not sure what to think about them. My feeling is that I am in an awful situation so it would be strange if I wasn't upset and I want to learn something from this all e.g. how to manage myself better emotionally. I am also worried about what happens when I come off them. Do you think that the anti-depressants let you think straight? Or did they just mask the sadness? I am not really sure if I am depressed or not, or just sad because I have lost a lot of things that meant a lot to me. I really don't know. Anyone else any thoughts on meds? Syl My doctor told me to start out w/ 10 mg a day but it was too much for me, it felt like I was high, I didn't like the feeling so I took a half a pill (5 mg) and it was a lot better. He wanted me to take them for about 6 months and then slowly wean myself off of them and I had no problems. Yes, I think they helped me think straight. During the A I never thought about killing myself, not one time. The reason why was b/c I wasn't going to leave our children for H to raise w/ the OW. No way in he!! I was going to let her help raise my kids. She tried killing herself when she was pregnant w/ her own child. I even told my lawyer I didn't want her anywhere my kids. He said he could make it possible they could not spend the night at her house w/ H or she could not spend the night w/ him if they were present. He said that if he did that I was not allowed to have any men stay over either. I didn't care, I just didn't want her around my children, at all. The last thing I wanted to do was die when he was having the A. I just needed the meds for a few months to help me. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, would cry none stop practically all day. That is no way to live. And if you need a little help w/ it, so be it. I am not one for taking drugs. I don't even like to take meds when I have a headache but I knew I couldn't handle life w/o an AD. I would talk to your doctor. He may not think you need them. GL!
Athena Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Sylvia, "Since I have realised this I have dropped some of the anger and frustration but I feel so sad all the time." -- have you considered that you are grieving for the loss of how your marriage used to be? The five stages of grieving are: · Denial · Anger · Bargaining · Depression · Acceptance Denial is the first step when we cannot see we are being cheated on, or when we just cannot believe it when we find out... Anger... then pleading/bargaining ... then sadness (depression)... last one is when you accept the situation, I guess, and move on... and they reckon that you can keep backsliding from one stage to a previous one, like a mini-cycle... Thumbing My Way, But I had another great IC yesterday....and the goal is to FOCUS on ME....fix me first...then fix my relationship. Funny how counselors always advise us to fix ourselves first, when it's obvious that it is our betraying spouses who have broken us... why not get Wandering Spouses to fix themselves first! grrr... anyway, yes -- I know... fix ourselves first so that we are strong enough to do what we have to do! (like on the airplane when they tell you in an emergency, to put on your own mask first, and then to help others... even your own children).
Author sylviaguardian Posted May 1, 2005 Author Posted May 1, 2005 Originally posted by Athena Sylvia, -- have you considered that you are grieving for the loss of how your marriage used to be? The five stages of grieving are: · Denial · Anger · Bargaining · Depression · Acceptance Denial is the first step when we cannot see we are being cheated on, or when we just cannot believe it when we find out... Anger... then pleading/bargaining ... then sadness (depression)... last one is when you accept the situation, I guess, and move on... and they reckon that you can keep backsliding from one stage to a previous one, like a mini-cycle... Yes, I think this is totally right. It took me a long time to even accept what was happening because I had no idea and because our marriage had seemed to be fine. The anger lasted a long, long time. Yes, I think I am grieving now - for my marriage, for the person I thought my H was, for my past (seen now through different eyes), for my future dreams and most of all for me, for the person I was. A person who trusted people and was happy in herself, who believed that good things happen to good people. I think I am now reaching the stage of acceptance. I have gone from a happy existence where I believed I had everything, to a fairly bad situation. The thing is that I have stopped thinking "If only this hadn't happened", "If only things were the same as they were" etc I have faced that I am in a fairly unstable situation, that I am with a person I feel a lot of ambivalence towards and that it in no way compares to the way things used to be. However, this is my life NOW. I have accepted that and am trying to deal with it. But every so often I get flashbacks to the way things used to be and its the same feeling you get when someone you love dies. You just want time to go backwards because you miss it so much... The cycle thing bothers me because there are times when I think I am doing fine and have rationalised things in my head, then KABOOM! I am back to the violent anger. One thing that I am sure of is that we don't always choose how our life turns out, but we can choose how we handle it. The only other option is to get eaten up by resentment and anger. At some point we have to let go of the realisation that someone else has made life s*** for us and just get on with clearing up the s***! Thumbing My Way, Funny how counselors always advise us to fix ourselves first, when it's obvious that it is our betraying spouses who have broken us... why not get Wandering Spouses to fix themselves first! grrr... anyway, yes -- I know... fix ourselves first so that we are strong enough to do what we have to do! (like on the airplane when they tell you in an emergency, to put on your own mask first, and then to help others... even your own children). Being betrayed breaks a lot of things i guess - self-confidence, belief in your ability to judge people, the belief that other people are usually good, the belief that the world is just etc. IC helps to repair at least some of the damage. I suppose it's like being knocked over by a drunk driver. Of course, the drunk driver is the problem and they need to addresss their behaviour etc but the damage that has been done to you needs to be addressed regardless of what happens to the drunk driver. Syl
Athena Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Sylvia, Well said! You have said exactly, what I too, have been through! This, Yes, I think this is totally right. It took me a long time to even accept what was happening because I had no idea and because our marriage had seemed to be fine. The anger lasted a long, long time. Yes, I think I am grieving now - for my marriage, for the person I thought my H was, for my past (seen now through different eyes), for my future dreams and most of all for me, for the person I was. A person who trusted people and was happy in herself, who believed that good things happen to good people. is something I could have written, because it is exactly what I have experienced, and thought. The other day my counselor said to me (about my having withdrawn socially, having gone through some depression -- no meds for it --) that I did that to myself (cut out my social life)... and I objected saying it is as if he'd poked me in the eye with a red hot poker.... he did the damage to me, messed up my life as I knew it, affected the way I viewed my world! Much like your analogy with being knocked over by a drunk driver... in that THEY cause the hurt, but YOU have to recover! Yes, that anger flashes back again and again... but eventually acceptance that THAT is the way your spouse is, and THAT is what they chose to do, helps you understand that you didn't drive them to commit such a huge betrayal, and lie to a loved one. As far along this road as I have come, I have to wonder .... why why why, when I have forgiven him twice before, did he do it again? And will he do it in the future?
Author sylviaguardian Posted May 3, 2005 Author Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by Athena Sylvia, Well said! You have said exactly, what I too, have been through! This, is something I could have written, because it is exactly what I have experienced, and thought. The other day my counselor said to me (about my having withdrawn socially, having gone through some depression -- no meds for it --) that I did that to myself (cut out my social life)... and I objected saying it is as if he'd poked me in the eye with a red hot poker.... he did the damage to me, messed up my life as I knew it, affected the way I viewed my world! Much like your analogy with being knocked over by a drunk driver... in that THEY cause the hurt, but YOU have to recover! Yes, that anger flashes back again and again... but eventually acceptance that THAT is the way your spouse is, and THAT is what they chose to do, helps you understand that you didn't drive them to commit such a huge betrayal, and lie to a loved one. As far along this road as I have come, I have to wonder .... why why why, when I have forgiven him twice before, did he do it again? And will he do it in the future? Athena, You asked in one post why it is the betrayed spouse who has to see the counsellor. The only answer I can think of is that it is your view of the world that has changed (your spouse was fully aware of his dual existence), it is you who has been hurt, and it is you who still needs to find a way to fit it all together and make sense of it all (it made sense to the betrayed spouse because they were there doing it). On top of this, being betrayed can sometimes take the top layer off and expose any other weaknesses that were there underneath, being covered up. This is what happened to me. My H's affair took away my top layer of protection and now I have to deal with all the other stuff that I never dealt with in the past. In my IC, we are now going to stop talking so much about my H's affair and start working on how I am in relationships and where this comes from. I can't change my H, but I am certain that I will emerge a stronger person. In a way the A has done me a favour. I would never have sought counselling in the past. Now I have the opportunity to make myself a stronger person and I am loving it! I feel like the old me is emerging, but a stronger better me. In the future, I will not be so reliant on other people for my own happiness. I can't answer the question why your husband has cheated on you for a third time. When it happens once, it is perhaps due to something in the marriage or a friendship that has got out of hand. When it happens 3 times, I would hazard a guess that it has something to do with your husband's personality. Perhaps he does not take boundaries seriously, perhaps he is addicted to the thrill, perhaps he feels that he can get away with it. Whatever the reason, I would say that if he has done it 3 times and not really addressed his behaviour, it is likely that he will do it again. Obviously knowing how much he has hurt you is not enough to change his behaviour. In this situation, I would probably insist that he ge tsome counselling or something. In the meantime all you can do is look after yourself and make sure you have a big network. Don't give up on your friends! In my experience, they will outlast any relationship. Sylvia
Athena Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Thanks Sylvia, Your explanation of why I am the one who needs counseling because MY world view has been changed and I have been hurt, has actually helped me! Thank you. So far, my counselor would just say, "He's not in this room, so we cannot help him, we are working on YOU." But I like your reasoning better. Yes, I have forgiven him three times, for disclosing/being found out about five affairs. He was married before and he says he 'only' had five affairs during their marriage, although apparently he bragged about having twenty-something affairs to his brother... so who knows. Anyway, with that info you would begin to suspect that there is something wrong with him, and his choices, wouldn't you? He's never had any (serious) complaints about me as a wife... so it's not like I am not meeting his needs... unless his needs require me to allow him to have conquests of several women, and not complain about it! BTW I DID insist on his getting counseling -- I even refused to see him for six months after the fifth affair (third disclosure)... and he only went to see a therapist twice. He really doesn't WANT help. He doesn't think he needs it... says I am all he needs to get better... (but I am his wife, not his counselor). I found this interesting, In the future, I will not be so reliant on other people for my own happiness. because my idea of a "happily ever after marriage" included being reliant on my husband for my happiness... So, how do you become happy without being totally reliant on other people? I guess the best idea is not to put "all your eggs in one basket" so having several important relationships would be better than just you and your husband, right? I know you mentioned your interest in getting into new clubs and activities, have you done so? It's hard to get social again when you've been feeling depressed... The other thing that I find interesting is we are now going to stop talking so much about my H's affair and start working on how I am in relationships and where this comes from. You say you've cut out discussing your H in counseling (boy, I fumed about him for months in counseling), and started seeing patterns in the formation of your own relationships... is there anything in particular from your past that either attracted you to a man who could cheat on you, or that you would accept cheating from? In my counseling, we too have uncovered family patterns which I guess we are both playing out.
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by Athena Yes, I have forgiven him three times, for disclosing/being found out about five affairs. Any tips? I'm finding the forgiveness thing slow going The other thing that I find interesting is You say you've cut out discussing your H in counseling (boy, I fumed about him for months in counseling), and started seeing patterns in the formation of your own relationships... is there anything in particular from your past that either attracted you to a man who could cheat on you, or that you would accept cheating from? In my counseling, we too have uncovered family patterns which I guess we are both playing out. I'm curious about this too...
Author sylviaguardian Posted May 3, 2005 Author Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by Athena So, how do you become happy without being totally reliant on other people? I guess the best idea is not to put "all your eggs in one basket" so having several important relationships would be better than just you and your husband, right? I know you mentioned your interest in getting into new clubs and activities, have you done so? It's hard to get social again when you've been feeling depressed... [color=darkred] This is the question I have asked myself and I don't fully know the answer yet. It is about having other relationships that give you positive feedback. Remember you don't have to be 'social'. Tell your good friends what is happening and they will understand why you are not very social. Sometimes it's just about letting others take care of you. I am still in the process of working out which clubs etc I want to get into but I've gone back to some things that I used to enjoy like writing and going to the cinema. I think I will take up some kind of dancing and maybe think about a professional writing course.[/color] The other thing that I find interesting is You say you've cut out discussing your H in counseling (boy, I fumed about him for months in counseling), and started seeing patterns in the formation of your own relationships... is there anything in particular from your past that either attracted you to a man who could cheat on you, or that you would accept cheating from? In my counseling, we too have uncovered family patterns which I guess we are both playing out. I did this too. It was a waste of time after a while. it's Ok to get things off your chest but after a while there is no point in fuming. I am just beginning to start looking at how I am in relationship but the upshot seems to be that I choose men who are distant because it is similar to the way relationships were in my past. I guess that way I could project what I wanted onto that person because they were almost a non-person (if that makes sense). It's not that I accept being cheated on ( I definitely don't) but I think the men I pick, then the lack of closeness between us, allows them to think it is OK to see the relationship as just one of many. This is just the start. The funny thing is that going to counselling has helped me get some power over the situation. I am starting to see things about me and our relationship that my H doesn't. That makes me feel very empowered, because whatever happens now, I know I will be the one doing the choosing. Keep going to counselling Athena but make sure you use it for you! The future will go how you want it to go once you are strong. Syl
Author sylviaguardian Posted May 3, 2005 Author Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Any tips? I'm finding the forgiveness thing slow going [color=blue]No tips, just perhaps to accept that forgiveness IS a slow thing. It will only happen when you have got things in perspective and seen that your SO is truly sorry and wants to change. It can't happen overnight. Lots of people (Including me) make the mistake of wanting to forgive quickly and move on. It always comes back to haunt you. Accept that only time will heal.[/color] Sylvia
ThumbingMyWay Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by sylviaguardian On top of this, being betrayed can sometimes take the top layer off and expose any other weaknesses that were there underneath, being covered up. This is what happened to me. My H's affair took away my top layer of protection and now I have to deal with all the other stuff that I never dealt with in the past. In the future, I will not be so reliant on other people for my own happiness. Sylvia DITTO Syl.... that is exactly what has happened to me....kind of a bitter sweet wakeup call. Betrayel....the single most destructive act that he human spirit can endure, yet its the same act that makes you become a stronger human being. The feeling still sucks though......being betrayed by the one who you trusted the most...the one who you relied upon for happiness and commitment.....all torn away to expose the REAL YOU..... bitter yes, but sweet in way thats hard to explain....other than it WILL help me grow spiritualy... No more games, no more lies, no more unconscious living. Life starts now....a life based on TRUTH in everything we do, say and feel.
latesleeper Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Hi Syl, I understand what you mean about the SADNESS, the loneliness, and what you said about having an idealised notion of marriage and love. I'm not sure if, once shattered, it can ever go back to the way it used to be. I guess not, and that's sadder than ever. Grief of the lost of eden... Seeing your posts and recognising some similar ideas in myself, I feel that such a blow to such an important belief system and value that you had would take a long time to heal, and may leave a scar or two. Hopefully it won't hurt so much in time. You asked if anyone has any thoughts on meds. I think you are in some sort of depression, but I hope it's the sort of depression that happens before good change. If your sadness and other symptoms (lost of appetite, insomnia, headaches, suicidal or very negative thoughts) go on for more than two weeks, I think meds is a viable option. Saying this, know that I resist meds all the way until I have no other safer way to stay alive. So I am not recommending meds at all, just that if it gets that bad, meds will help you hang in there while your mind and body do some repair work. Please take care, and PM any time on meds or whatever. I've had some experience in depression and meds, and am on an anti-depressant myself at this time, since February. Hugs and best wishes to you, and all those out there who are hurting and grieving.
Athena Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Any tips? I'm finding the forgiveness thing slow going originally posted by Sylviaguardian No tips, just perhaps to accept that forgiveness IS a slow thing. It will only happen when you have got things in perspective and seen that your SO is truly sorry and wants to change. It can't happen overnight. Lots of people (Including me) make the mistake of wanting to forgive quickly and move on. It always comes back to haunt you. Accept that only time will heal. Aaah... yes, indeed, forgiving too quickly is not good at all because the perpetrator gets 'off the hook' without any work at all, and by not seeing any negative consequences for their hurtful and wrong actions, do not learn from it. So, yes, I agree -- do not forgive quickly just so you can move on... The first time my H had an affair and I forgave him quickly, two years later he did it again and again... In addition to what Sylvia said, I think you can also 'forgive' someone too when you have 'given up on them'. What I mean by this is that they are who they are, will keep on hurting you anyway, and you then give up having them being truly remorseful for what they have done to you, and you stop expecting anything better from them. Sorry, but with my H, he's done it so many times to two wives, over 24 years, that all I can say is it must be a very deep character flaw he has, which he does not want to get help with. So I forgive him, because he doesn't know any better...
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