d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 (edited) Both BIL and his (ex?)GF have been posting some pretty bleak stuff on FB. The combo of a cryptic post whining that he was hurting & a check in on a bridge at 4 a.m. caused me to call BIL to ask what was going on. He told me that his GF kicked him out of their apartment & broke up with him. She's kicked him out before claiming that she need a "break" & a weekend apart but this was apparently the 1st time in the 4 years together, about 1 living together that she actually broke it off. BIL previously made a seriously suicide attempt that lead to a stay in a psych hospital when his wife left him but there were also other factors then that are not present now. BILs kids are coming to stay with him for part of the summer. This will be about the 1st time in 3 years he's seen them. They live with their mother in another state. BIL moved back in with his mom after being dumped & she's thrilled to have the grandkids. In fact she's the one who paid for them to come. Today the GF did somewhat of an about face saying she "can't handle the kids" and the idea of them coming made her stressed out. She was too new of a GF & BILs divorce wasn't final when the kids were there last so she didn't meet them. She told BIL that she would consider taking him back after the kids are gone. The kids are teens, 17 & 13 I think. I'm shocked that is her reasoning. I get that meet the kids is scary & stressful. I suspect that she's worried BIL will expect her to pay for all sorts of expensive stuff for the kids which would cheese me off too but there are better ways to handle this then breaking up with him. I know I can't say or do anything but the amount of dysfunction is upsetting to me. Since I have known them I think both BIL & his GF make poor life decisions all the way around. Nice people just questionable work ethics & no meaningful life goals or financial sense. I'm also projecting. DH & I had invited everybody to our house for Thanksgiving as a surprise for MIL. We agreed to pay for play tickets for everybody but frankly after this little escapade, I no longer want to pay for her even when they make up & are back together. But there's no graceful way out of that is there? Edited June 5, 2015 by d0nnivain
mystikmind2005 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Kindof hard to give any reply here, i mean the situation is what it is, what more can anyone say? But yes, you probably should 'keep up appearances' to the gf
ZiggyZoo Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Well, luckily Thanksgiving is a few months away. Maybe being apart from this GF will help your BIL to realize that he's better off without her and it won't be an issue...I'm kind of going through something similar with my sister. She's with this guy who is sooooo wrooooong for her. Nice enough guy, but he's lazy and a bit of a mooch. He wants them to move in together and I just think that's a terrible idea. Hard watching things like that happen and having to keep your mouth shut. But hey, if/when they break up, you can steer your BIL here and we'll help!
Aurora_227 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 I'm not sure if this is going to help much, but I am somewhat familiar with a situation similar to this one. At least, when it comes to the kids. My aunt and uncle dated for over 20 years before they got married. Why? Well, my aunt said she wanted my uncle's kids to be grown before they married (the kids were from a previous marriage). This may seem silly, and to be honest, I never really understood it until I got some background. Apparently, my aunt married really young and was married for about 10 years, I believe. During that time, she had a miscarriage. Later in the marriage, things got bad and they divorced. I don't think it had anything to do with the miscarriage, but then again, this was before I was even born. The point is, we think that she refused to get re-married for years, not just because of the kids, but because there were some extremely deep emotional scars. Some people have to get over these fears. Now, I don't know the background of the girlfriend you're talking about - it kinda sounds like she may be keeping him as a backup plan (DISCLAIMER: I don't know her at all so this is just an assumption that I hope is not true). The kids are still several years from being "grown" and even then, they will still probably be dependents. Probably the best thing you can do right now is be there for your friend and see if he can realize this on your own. If he asks for your input, be honest - but GENTLE. As he's tried to commit suicide before, sometimes it helps to be sensitive, even if he doesn't seem suicidal. It's hard to watch someone you care about get hurt over and over again...but sometimes it's something they have to learn. ESPECIALLY IF KIDS ARE INVOLVED. The girlfriend has to accept the fact that the kids are in the picture. Some people can't, and that's okay. But if they can't, then they need to slide out of the way so someone who doesn't mind can appear in your friend's life. Prayers going out to your friend. Time will tell.
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