luvins Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I've found myself in a situation where the guy I was recently dating is overwhelmed with some pretty serious stress in his life as well as the progression of our relationship and has sincerely asked for a break. I am aware of the psychology of why men withdraw emotionally and need to isolate when sorting through things opposite of women who tend to bond when stressed. I also know there can be hormonal factors at play here. Knowing this and the stresses he is under, I know it has nothing to do with me and although it doesn't make it hurt any less, I know it's not personal. I've respected his wishes to leave him be and leave him to do what he needs to do to take care of himself and sort things out. I've also wished him well knowing there's always a chance that he may decide not to return. In our last contact he asked me to give him a month or two to see if things will change for him. It's going on 2 weeks NC. I feel part of the withdrawal has to do with our relationship progressing rapidly in a short amount of time. I think both of us were surprised by the intensity of our feelings right off the bat while he was also trying to take care of other things in his life. We are both in our early 40's and had very open and honest communication from the start. So, although I am doing the best I can to cope since this came on sudenly and to a pretty abrupt halt, I have accepted I cannot force anything and as much as every ounce of me wants to wait for his return I know I must move on and can only hope for the best. With all that being said, I am really curious especially having read through many posts here with similar situations, how many of you guys have withdrew emotionally from a relationship early on and not due to any real difficulties in the relationship itself but because of stress, fear or doubt and actually returns to continue a successful relationship? The withdrawal part seems common enough but I don't often hear about those that come back and if they do how long does it typically take for a man to realize this?
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 You don't hear a lot, because invariably, they don't come back... Either that, or the GF/partner won't be messed around with and tells them to keep hiking. I know I would....
aloneinaz Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Guys don't abandon relationships or women they are happy and content with, no matter how "stressed" they are. I'm a guy. I've had some pretty stressful times in my life and I've always LEANED on my gal for support. It's like we're wired to go to the women in our lives from our days of wanting our mommies. The only time I left a relationship due to lots of stress and anxiety was when I was doubting any long term potential and simply wanted out of the relationship I was in. Ironically, once I left her, I figured out that a lot of my stress and anxiety was from not being happy in the relationship with her. She was a great person, did nothing wrong but she simply didn't rock my world. I think Tara is right. You should take this as his excuse to simply end the relationship and find someone more compatible for you.
minime13 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Just as there are right and wrong moves in a relationship, there are also right and wrong moves when taking a break. They can work when life events get too overwhelming, but they often don't because there are no standards or expectations set. A break is different than a break-up because, theoretically speaking, you're still together, but just putting some space in the relationship to contemplate. It is often the prequel to a break-up, but not always. However, it will be a prequel to a break-up every time if the break isn't taken as seriously as the relationship itself. The first thing is that you have to have a discussion about it and how it came to this moment where one or the other felt the need to take some time for themselves. Both people need to agree to the break and accept it, as well as have an outline of expectations and a timeline of how long the break will be. You need to discuss whether you are simply not going to contact or see each other for a given amount of time, or keep a line of communication open. You do need to set a timeline, say 2-4 weeks, or 1-2 months, because you can't just leave the other partner hanging. That is damaging. You need to decide if you're going to leave an option open to date or not - and really, if someone wants to leave the option to date open, a break will not likely end in anything more than a break-up. There has to be some structure to a pause in a relationship. Otherwise, it's simply a prolonged break-up. I've had 2 breaks in relationships before. The first didn't work out, because during that time I realized that we both wanted different things. The second one happened earlier this year, and the time apart allowed us to realize things we missed and had taken for granted. Our relationship now is the strongest it has ever been - and the break realistically lasted only a week and a half. In the second one, a break probably wasn't even necessary, but taking that action made us both realize the mistake we were making. For the time being, don't dwell on the will he or will he not come back. I know it's easier said than done, but it won't help to keep that running through your head. Take this time to focus on yourself and your needs. Ask yourself what you want for your own future, and your own needs and expectations in a relationship. A relationship - not specific to this one. This will help you get through this and will give you a clearer picture of what you want. Over the course of this, you'll have the opportunity to also sit down and look at whether he meets these needs and expectations. Don't dwell on it, but do create a full picture of what you want in a relationship. If/when he contacts you, then you'll know what you want. If that can't be offered, then you will be able to move on with a clearer head. If it can be, great - start working on it.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I cry BS. I could see most guys saying they need some alone time, but not more than a few hours a day max. Even a death or cancer diagnosis isn't gonna get a normal guy to run away from his girl. He may get withdrawn a bit & have a shorter temper, but not wanna sleep in a bed alone.
aloneinaz Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I cry BS. I could see most guys saying they need some alone time, but not more than a few hours a day max. Even a death or cancer diagnosis isn't gonna get a normal guy to run away from his girl. He may get withdrawn a bit & have a shorter temper, but not wanna sleep in a bed alone. I have to agree. If a girl I was seeing asked for a break, she'd get a PERMENANT one while I was finding someone new.
dumbass2 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 (edited) I'm a guy and don't believe in "breaks" if you are in an exclusive relationship and happy with the other person. If he needs a little space to work on some things then cut down the contact for a bit but not NC for 1-2 months. See each other a couple times a week and don't talk everyday. Keep in communication. You need to do something about this situation. You are left hanging and wondering if he's going to come back at all or come back and tell you he's seeing some one new. That is a possibility. Edited June 5, 2015 by dumbass2
SammySammy Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Guys don't abandon relationships or women they are happy and content with, no matter how "stressed" they are. I'm a guy. I've had some pretty stressful times in my life and I've always LEANED on my gal for support. It's like we're wired to go to the women in our lives from our days of wanting our mommies. The only time I left a relationship due to lots of stress and anxiety was when I was doubting any long term potential and simply wanted out of the relationship I was in. Ironically, once I left her, I figured out that a lot of my stress and anxiety was from not being happy in the relationship with her. She was a great person, did nothing wrong but she simply didn't rock my world. I think Tara is right. You should take this as his excuse to simply end the relationship and find someone more compatible for you. ^^^This. The women I've been in relationships with have been my support. I've never needed to run away from them when I was going through something. If I ask you for a break - a two month break - and go NC for two weeks, the relationship is over. I've never broken up with a woman like that, but when I go NC the relationship is over. I'm not coming back. 1
mystikmind2005 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 I had to try to imagine what motive i would have for doing this? Because i have never done it and don't believe in it. The most likely thing is to pursue what he thought was a better relationship prospect but keep you as a spare just in case it did not work out (jerk). The other one,,, it could be possible he is the type of guy who likes to try to keep up appearances and does not want you to see him at his worst, and or drag you down.
Author luvins Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 Thank you all for the replies they are very appreciated. I guess each situation is very unique. There are some serious issues here that need to be addressed. One being that he has a drinking problem. The other being that his daughter is coming to live with him permanently all while he's been trying to get into a larger apartment, getting her settled in and finding care while his job does not have consistent hours and struggling with some financial issues... I truly believe he was overwhelmed and needs the break. Can't even imagine how he would try to carry on a relationship with all that. So I respected his wishes and told him I would leave him alone, wished him the best and hoped that he would take care of himself. I've maintained no contact for 2 weeks now but he's still very much in my thoughts. I think it hurts more because I'm genuinely worried about his well being as well as that of his daughters, but have to accept that it is not my responsibility and he needs to get through this on his own. My friends have all told me I've dodged a bullet here and that I should focus on finding a much more secure, healthy relationship but it's much easier said than done. At this point I still miss him and quite honestly if he were to reach out I don't know what I would do.
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