Author Blueribbon Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 Katzie : I think you are right what's there to ask for ? He doesn't need the whole speech about us just going to be blunt about it we are not in the same page .
Tayla Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 yup, we hear ya. Ten years knowing him. Deliberately avoiding a simple conversation because in your mind you already have played out the conversation in your head and determined the responses. All without his feedback. To answer proper. yes its okay to inquire. yes its okay to be in the know if he is active sexually with others . Its not okay to know the details of that though. Non exclusively yet dating does not mean keeping ppl in the dark. Being truthful is a foundation in any healthy relationship. Based solely on your version, you seem to already feel he is deceiving you. So handle it like an adult with an open mind. You dont ever have to lower your own values. You can though stop and ask yourself , how would you want to be approached so as to best resolve this concern. Then do it. Most here have given you feedback, decide, then do.
fitnessfan365 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Sorry to tell you this. But if you're not his GF after six months of dating, you're probably not going to be. I'm not saying he doesn't like your company or enjoy the sex. But if he took you seriously, it would have happened sooner rather than later. That's why he's not fully invested with his actions. 1
candie13 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 only to yourself. questions such as "why are you still seeing him" & stuff 1
guest569 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 (edited) I would just ask him about it. "are you dating/sleeping with others? and where is this going?" etc. If he is with others, I would just walk away without another word because there is no hope at that point, it's hardly a good way to kick off an exclusive relationship. You should absolutely ask if you want to, because I think you have a right to know. Edited June 5, 2015 by smiley1
minime13 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 It's understandable what you are going through - we can all relate to this. You are probably feeling a little low self esteem and lack of confidence because you have gotten stuck in this relationship with a guy who, for whatever reasons, won't commit. Here's the thing, though - you should not feel rejected because of this. He hasn't rejected you. He's just giving the commitment that he wants in his life. He's probably pretty happy about it, and likely wouldn't change a thing. That's not a rejection. In all actuality, you are the one rejecting what he has to offer - if that's all he has to offer. This will probably be the most confusing oxymoron you'll hear today, but it does ring true: don't take relationships so personally. I know that is confusing, but it's the truth. People lose sight of this too much when it comes to dating. If you date someone and it doesn't work out, it just means that you're not compatible, or that you just want different things. It's never because you're not good enough. It just wasn't meant to be. In every relationship that fails, there are standards not met on BOTH sides, and that's why they fail. So, don't lose sight of your own standards. If they don't match someone else's then it's best to just move on. So, I think you should have a conversation with your guy. Try to be neutral when speaking to him, and not get overly emotional. Stick to your guns, and lay out - in your head, not necessarily to him in great detail - your expectations in a relationship, and keep those because you're entitled to your own expectations. When you talk to him, take the advice of simply telling him that you think you're both on different pages. You would like to pursue a more stable, committed relationship, and understand if he can't offer that. And, if he can't, then wish him well, and part ways, and keep reminding yourself that you are not being rejected - you're just moving on to find what you want. Best of luck. 1
Author Blueribbon Posted June 6, 2015 Author Posted June 6, 2015 Mimine13 : I can't thank you enough for you advice I've been crying all day feeling lost and fearing for the rejection but I have a new way to see things I knew that this was a great place to seek for advice . im going to wait for the right time I have a lot of internal work to do I have to learn to control my emotions . 2
Redhead14 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Hi this is my first post so I feel a little embarrassed speaking of my personal dilemmas:) I'm 32 years old woman and for the past 6 months I've been dating this guy that I know for the past ten years . But in. It his girlfriend and he is not my boyfriend we are not exclusive I would love to but we haven't had that conversation yet The problem is that for the past two months I've seen suspicious things in his apartment the other day he gave me a sweater that he thought it was mine then I saw a teddy bear in the kitchen and I didn't ask of flipped out because like I said we are not a couple . His behavior is hot and cold sometimes he says how amazing I'm and that he wants to spend more time with me blah blah blah and then he disappears for days and I'm not the type of girl that text a guy everyday I like to give space besides I need my space too so I thought it was ok but.... The other day he canceled me at last minute he saying he was tired but south beach is a small town after all and one of my friends saw him in a club . I didn't say a word about it Then yesterday we went to dinner and then back to his place and lo and behold there was an earring in the carpet floor I guess he didn't know it was there so i grabbed the earring and put it in my purse one more time I didnt say s**t about it I went home angry feeling betrayed and upset because it's clear that he is seeing someone besides me . Can you confront a guy who you don't have an exclusive relationship about this ? And if you do how can I approach the situation ?? I know I don't have the RIGHT to ask since I'm not his girlfriend but seriously no one likes to be played I do t know what to do because I'm angry now and if I call him and ask I know in going to lash out at him like a dog without a muzzle. Is it better to wait until he asks me out for dinner or whatever and say "hey are seeing someone ?" What do I do ?? I want him to know that I know what he does and I'm sure he is going to ask me how do you know that ? I guess the "evidence " I have is not enough to accuse someone . Any thoughts?? I'm having a hard time understanding why you would be dating a man for 6 months without at least having exclusivity. Have you ever had a conversation about what you each are looking for for yourselves out of your dating journeys? You should at least know that you are on the same page in terms of what you want for yourselves in the long run with some one. If you haven't, I'd open that one now at least. As for you feeling betrayed, you don't have a "right" to be worried or question him. You're not exclusive, he doesn't owe you that. He's not playing you, he's probably just content and if you go along with it, that's your problem if that's not what you want. Find out what page you two are on right now. If he's content with the way things are and says he's not looking for a relationship, just casual, and you are looking for a long-term, committed relationship, you're stringing yourself along. The exclusivity conversation should happen right before or shortly after intimacy. You've let this go on too long. 1
preraph Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 This period of time when you are dating is specifically when you need to be asking him questions and finding out if he's an honest man or not. Don't just keep quiet and then hope he commmits and then commit to a guy who may be a piece of crap just looking for a woman willing to let him do whatever he wants. You should definitely calmly ask him if he's dating around. And if the answer is yes, you should also date around. Don't make a big thing of it. But if all you are interested in is finding a faithful husband, and he's still dating around after 6 months with you, he probably always will. You are half of this relationship. You have a right to know who the guy is!
smackie9 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Smackie, you may think that's the reality of the situation, but most people don't have this kind of conversation - I've been in 4, year+ exclusive relationships and have never had this talk, I've asked a few of my friends and they've never had it. I think the, "are we exclusive talk" is more a myth that people on this forum try to perpetuate as being normal or mandatory. If it's an issue for you, just ask about it. If you're uncertain, though, chances are something is wrong, either with your trust level, or the chemistry in the relationship. Moreover, it's pretty ridiculous to say that if the other person hasn't asked you by 6 months you're wasting your time - at that point, they haven't been asked either, so conceptually they're wasting their time as well. The simple solution, if it's a big deal to you, ask them about it. I never said people need to "ask if they are exclusive" I said to express expectations of wanting commitment at the beginning, so there is intention and no confusion....having that discussion is important to me. IMO if you have to ask, you have problems. I agree you shouldn't shouldn't have to ask, it should have been discussed at the start. All my long term relationships, my BFs all expressed wanting to be exclusive with me. Any guy that did all that sweet talk are transparent, I'm wise to the BS, but the weak ones fall for it and see it as commitment, because it makes them feel special. This is what has happened to the OP.
smackie9 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Mimine13 : I can't thank you enough for you advice I've been crying all day feeling lost and fearing for the rejection but I have a new way to see things I knew that this was a great place to seek for advice . im going to wait for the right time I have a lot of internal work to do I have to learn to control my emotions . I wish you well, and hope you find your answers in order to move on. 1
Recommended Posts