Blueribbon Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Hi this is my first post so I feel a little embarrassed speaking of my personal dilemmas:) I'm 32 years old woman and for the past 6 months I've been dating this guy that I know for the past ten years . But in. It his girlfriend and he is not my boyfriend we are not exclusive I would love to but we haven't had that conversation yet The problem is that for the past two months I've seen suspicious things in his apartment the other day he gave me a sweater that he thought it was mine then I saw a teddy bear in the kitchen and I didn't ask of flipped out because like I said we are not a couple . His behavior is hot and cold sometimes he says how amazing I'm and that he wants to spend more time with me blah blah blah and then he disappears for days and I'm not the type of girl that text a guy everyday I like to give space besides I need my space too so I thought it was ok but.... The other day he canceled me at last minute he saying he was tired but south beach is a small town after all and one of my friends saw him in a club . I didn't say a word about it Then yesterday we went to dinner and then back to his place and lo and behold there was an earring in the carpet floor I guess he didn't know it was there so i grabbed the earring and put it in my purse one more time I didnt say s**t about it I went home angry feeling betrayed and upset because it's clear that he is seeing someone besides me . Can you confront a guy who you don't have an exclusive relationship about this ? And if you do how can I approach the situation ?? I know I don't have the RIGHT to ask since I'm not his girlfriend but seriously no one likes to be played I do t know what to do because I'm angry now and if I call him and ask I know in going to lash out at him like a dog without a muzzle. Is it better to wait until he asks me out for dinner or whatever and say "hey are seeing someone ?" What do I do ?? I want him to know that I know what he does and I'm sure he is going to ask me how do you know that ? I guess the "evidence " I have is not enough to accuse someone . Any thoughts??
smackie9 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Not sure why you never had the converstation with him on your first date about expectations, like dating casually, casual sex, etc. There needs to be boundaries and guidelines set, and not to ever "assume" you are exclusive even tho it's without title. He is pretty much free to date others, unless otherwise stipulated. Tip: if you are not asked by the first or second month, then it's a no brainer they are still playing the field. 6 months and still nothing? it's not going to happen, you just wasted your time. 3
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Of course you can ask Qs. But you can't really accuse or make demands. If you are not happy with a guy who is multi dating, if he won't stop dating others you have to stop dating him 2
Hopeful30 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 You can ask all the questions you want, but you're not entitled to an answer. 1
Author Blueribbon Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 What would be the proper way to ask him without sounding demanding and accusing ?? What do I say ?? Hey I found an earring I thought it was mine ???
minime13 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Hi this is my first post so I feel a little embarrassed speaking of my personal dilemmas:) I'm 32 years old woman and for the past 6 months I've been dating this guy that I know for the past ten years . But in. It his girlfriend and he is not my boyfriend we are not exclusive I would love to but we haven't had that conversation yet The problem is that for the past two months I've seen suspicious things in his apartment the other day he gave me a sweater that he thought it was mine then I saw a teddy bear in the kitchen and I didn't ask of flipped out because like I said we are not a couple . His behavior is hot and cold sometimes he says how amazing I'm and that he wants to spend more time with me blah blah blah and then he disappears for days and I'm not the type of girl that text a guy everyday I like to give space besides I need my space too so I thought it was ok but.... The other day he canceled me at last minute he saying he was tired but south beach is a small town after all and one of my friends saw him in a club . I didn't say a word about it Then yesterday we went to dinner and then back to his place and lo and behold there was an earring in the carpet floor I guess he didn't know it was there so i grabbed the earring and put it in my purse one more time I didnt say s**t about it I went home angry feeling betrayed and upset because it's clear that he is seeing someone besides me . Can you confront a guy who you don't have an exclusive relationship about this ? And if you do how can I approach the situation ?? I know I don't have the RIGHT to ask since I'm not his girlfriend but seriously no one likes to be played I do t know what to do because I'm angry now and if I call him and ask I know in going to lash out at him like a dog without a muzzle. Is it better to wait until he asks me out for dinner or whatever and say "hey are seeing someone ?" What do I do ?? I want him to know that I know what he does and I'm sure he is going to ask me how do you know that ? I guess the "evidence " I have is not enough to accuse someone . Any thoughts?? You have every right to discuss where your relationship is, what you want out of the relationship, and where he thinks it is headed. If you're sleeping with him, you have a right to ask if he's with other women, and he does have a certain obligation to discuss that with you. However, you've been dating for six months and he's given you zero sign that he wants a commitment, and he's obviously seeing other women. You can't accuse him of anything because you are not exclusive, but you can let him know that you no longer want to date if he wants to continue dating other women. Or, you can read the clear writing on the wall, realize this isn't what you want, save yourself an argument, and just break it off. There are plenty of men out there that are willing and able to enter into a committed relationship, but he's just not one of them. 1
SammySammy Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 What would be the proper way to ask him without sounding demanding and accusing ?? What do I say ?? Hey I found an earring I thought it was mine ??? Ask him what? You knew he was dating other women all along. You knew you were not in an exclusive relationship. I'm not really sure why you're angry that he's seeing other women. I can answer the questions about the earring, teddy bear and lingerie for you - they belong to the other women. What's your next step now that you know? 3
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Just point out all the stuff you keep finding that isn't yours. If you are OK with the concept but not the evidence, I'd ask if he could make a better effort at being discrete. If you aren't happy you need to tell him how you feel then ask him what he wants. If she says he wants to keep doing what he's been doing, then you have a decision to make 2
Author Blueribbon Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 I don't know guys please I'm so confused:( I like him but like I said I feel betrayed and with all my heart I want to scream at him and curse at him because I feel used . I don't know how to approach this I don't know if it's worth to ask him I don't think he's going to tell the truth Maybe I just stay quiet and ignore like i said before I feel used . Am I being coward if I decide to ignore him ? I think when the trust is gone is gone and besides the clues where there I hate this
Arieswoman Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 If you have been dating 6 months and still aren't exclusive then it's unlikely you will be any time soon. IMO he's leading you up the garden path. I would ask him where you stand, if he wants to be exclusive, and see what he says.......
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I don't know guys please I'm so confused:( I like him but like I said I feel betrayed and with all my heart I want to scream at him and curse at him because I feel used . I don't know how to approach this I don't know if it's worth to ask him I don't think he's going to tell the truth Maybe I just stay quiet and ignore like i said before I feel used . Am I being coward if I decide to ignore him ? I think when the trust is gone is gone and besides the clues where there I hate this What are you confused about? If you want to be exclusive tell him that. If he doesn't agree, walk away because if you stay & he's still having sex with other women, you are being used, but you will be doing it to yourself. You have the power to stop this by taking charge. Speak up then vote with your feet. Next relationship talk to the guy about exclusivity & expectations BEFORE sex. 2
minime13 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I don't know guys please I'm so confused:( I like him but like I said I feel betrayed and with all my heart I want to scream at him and curse at him because I feel used . I don't know how to approach this I don't know if it's worth to ask him I don't think he's going to tell the truth Maybe I just stay quiet and ignore like i said before I feel used . Am I being coward if I decide to ignore him ? I think when the trust is gone is gone and besides the clues where there I hate this You have not been betrayed because you are not in a committed relationship. You may feel upset because he hasn't stepped up to give you the commitment you want from the relationship, but that doesn't mean he has betrayed you. He hasn't used you either, unless you let your intentions be known from the start and he's just ignored them. This is something you need to understand before talking to him. He hasn't broken any trust, and hasn't betrayed you. You don't have a committed relationship to betray. If that's what you want, you need to have a conversation about what your relationship is to him, and where it is headed. If you don't see eye-to-eye, then you need to end it. You can't wait out someone that doesn't want to commit to you.
Author Blueribbon Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 Im confused guys:( I cant help it because one part of me says: call that jerk and confront him. And the other says walk away ignore him when he call or ways to hang out and if one day he asks why are you doing this then you tell hi what you saw . I'm not good at breaking up I don't handle myself well I'm afraid that even though I have a small right to call him out about this I'm going to feel bad if he sense I'm making drama . I don't want to give him the chance to break up with me . It's not pride or something like that I know who I'm and my weakness and I don't want to go through this again but at the same time I feel like a coward by doing this
Vintage79 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Not sure why you never had the converstation with him on your first date about expectations, like dating casually, casual sex, etc. There needs to be boundaries and guidelines set, and not to ever "assume" you are exclusive even tho it's without title. He is pretty much free to date others, unless otherwise stipulated. Tip: if you are not asked by the first or second month, then it's a no brainer they are still playing the field. 6 months and still nothing? it's not going to happen, you just wasted your time. Smackie, you may think that's the reality of the situation, but most people don't have this kind of conversation - I've been in 4, year+ exclusive relationships and have never had this talk, I've asked a few of my friends and they've never had it. I think the, "are we exclusive talk" is more a myth that people on this forum try to perpetuate as being normal or mandatory. If it's an issue for you, just ask about it. If you're uncertain, though, chances are something is wrong, either with your trust level, or the chemistry in the relationship. Moreover, it's pretty ridiculous to say that if the other person hasn't asked you by 6 months you're wasting your time - at that point, they haven't been asked either, so conceptually they're wasting their time as well. The simple solution, if it's a big deal to you, ask them about it. 2
minime13 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Im confused guys:( I cant help it because one part of me says: call that jerk and confront him. And the other says walk away ignore him when he call or ways to hang out and if one day he asks why are you doing this then you tell hi what you saw . I'm not good at breaking up I don't handle myself well I'm afraid that even though I have a small right to call him out about this I'm going to feel bad if he sense I'm making drama . I don't want to give him the chance to break up with me . It's not pride or something like that I know who I'm and my weakness and I don't want to go through this again but at the same time I feel like a coward by doing this Well, you aren't listening to anything anyone here is saying. So, I don't know why you're still posting. You want someone to say it's okay to confront him - it ISN'T. He's done nothing wrong. What you need to do is have a conversation about what you're doing. If he doesn't want a commitment with you, there is no time or space that will reverse that. The sooner you have this conversation, the better you will be. If you're going to keep posting the same thing while ignoring every single piece of advice, then you'd do best for yourself to stop posting and accept that you are in a FWB relationship, and just deal with the fact that he's seeing other women. I'm not trying to be mean, but you have been told exactly what you need to do. You just don't want to do it. So, problem solved. Do nothing. Best of luck.
Author Blueribbon Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 Besides let's be honest I don't think he's interested in me that much otherwise he wouldn't be sleeping with other women I haven't slept with anyone while dating him because I really like him Besides he is almost 40 and I know him for almost 10 years and I've never seeing him in a long term relationship. I know I'm not acting like a32 year old I know I'm making a big drama out of this the solution is easy walk away now . I don't think that having the " conversation " is going to change things between us . Actually i don't think he sees me as a girlfriend material I would know by now it's being 10 years since I know him by now I should know his intentions .
minime13 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Besides let's be honest I don't think he's interested in me that much otherwise he wouldn't be sleeping with other women I haven't slept with anyone while dating him because I really like him Besides he is almost 40 and I know him for almost 10 years and I've never seeing him in a long term relationship. I know I'm not acting like a32 year old I know I'm making a big drama out of this the solution is easy walk away now . I don't think that having the " conversation " is going to change things between us . Actually i don't think he sees me as a girlfriend material I would know by now it's being 10 years since I know him by now I should know his intentions . Then you have your answer. Walk away.
Author Blueribbon Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 Mimine13 : I'm not here posting this because I want to . I need an advice . This is the goal of this right ? If you think I'm being stubborn and I want to hear " call him and confront him you are wrong . It's easy see things when you are outside
minime13 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Mimine13 : I'm not here posting this because I want to . I need an advice . This is the goal of this right ? If you think I'm being stubborn and I want to hear " call him and confront him you are wrong . It's easy see things when you are outside You have been given advice on precisely what you need to do, but you don't seem to want to do it. I get that, because you have a fear of rejection. That's what you have to do, though. Honestly, I would like you to ask yourself the question of whether or not you are ready for a commitment, when you're afraid to even approach the subject with the person you seem to want a commitment from. Maybe you are not telling the whole story, but from what you said, he hasn't done anything wrong to violate what you have. You feel violated because there is part of you that wants a committed relationship, but that violation is not justified. If that's what you want, then you're going to have to stick your neck out and take a chance. He may not want it, and you'll just need to part ways if that's the case. Or he may - who knows. You're going to always have to take chances and leave yourself vulnerable in any relationship, and if you refuse to do that, then you'll never be able to get what you want.
katiegrl Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Mimine13 : I'm not here posting this because I want to . I need an advice . This is the goal of this right ? If you think I'm being stubborn and I want to hear " call him and confront him you are wrong . It's easy see things when you are outside My advice would be to walk away. I mean, what's there to ask? Or to find out? You already know he is having sex with others... so what's the point in asking or confronting? You are NOT exclusive, remember? Which means he has the right to be with/have sex with whomever he wishes WITHOUT being deemed a jerk. Next time, if you want exclusive, talk to him about it sooner rather than later. Tell him what you want/are looking for... ask him what HE is looking for. The fact you chose not to is on YOU. I am sorry it didn't work out the way you hope....lesson learned for next time. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 None of this is easy especially when emotions are involved. However walking away without having the conversation is cowardly. You assume he doesn't want you as his exclusive GF. While that may be true, he could just as easily be sitting there thinking he can continue to sleep with other women because you don't care or else you would have said something & because he's guarding his heart thinking that you are not committed to him. Bottom line: You are making assumptions. I suspect you are right that he doesn't want to be exclusive but especially since you have known him for 10 years I find it hard to believe that he would be soooo callous as to leave other women's stuff where you can find it. There is the possibility that these items belong to a sister or the GF of a buddy left when that couple came over. Talk to him. It's what 32 year old women do.
KatZee Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I agree with Katiegrl. I'd just walk away. What's the point in a conversation? If a conversation was going to happen about exclusivity it would have happened months ago. When I start seeing a guy/dating a guy or whatever, he gets a 3 month cap. I don't bring up exclusivity, I don't nag, or anything. I just watch his behaviors and he has 3 months to step it up and make it a thing. If not, I'm out. 3 months is more than enough time to know if you'd be in a relationship with someone, and it usually happens MUCH MUCH sooner than 3 months. 6 months he's having sex with you, disappearing for days, blowing you off, you're finding weird materials laying around his place... yes, he's playing you. It sucks, it hurts, but because there was never any conversation with him, all this is, is a FWB situation. He's free to do whatever it is he wants, and you allow it because you are given information and evidence, and you stay. Just walk. He doesn't need a whole speech, or for you to go off on him. He's going to be really confused why, since you're not a "thing." I would just be like, "I don't think we're on the same page, and I don't feel comfortable doing this with you anymore." 1
Author Blueribbon Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 Minime13 : You are right and I appreciate your time to reply he hasn't done anything wrong we are not a official couple. I get he has the right to do whatever he wants and sleep with the city if he likes . But I'm human I can't help feeling used I can't avoid feel anger and jealousy. Yes i don't have the balls to ask him what he wants because I don't want to feel rejected I have a feeling that I would never going to have a chance with him Maybe I have a very low self steam and the best option is to walk away with my mouth shut. I'm opening my hear to you because I feel torn . Like I said before I would know by now if he wants a relationship with me it's being 10 years knowing each other The truth is that I refuse to feel like this I don't like this
Author Blueribbon Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 d0nnivain : thanks for your words He lives alone he doesn't have sisters here in the state he is a good looking guy So the possibility of him having multiple Friends is big. I don't think he buys teddy bears hahaha .
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