It's only been five months but I'm absolutely devastated...Wisdom needed. :(

June 5, 2015

I met this guy C in December. We are both early 30s. He and I had a lot of mutual friends. At first I wasn't sure about him, I didn't even know if I liked him, but he charmed me so hard. He went out of his way for me, made little gifts for me, took me out different places. We had sex all the time and he was very attentive to my needs and it was great. He couldn't get enough of me, always passionately kissed me and couldn't keep his hands on me.

He asked me to be his girlfriend and I was hesitant because I've been hurt so badly so often in the last couple of years but I caved because he was so wonderful and so sweet and we had so much fun together.

Well, inevitably, I fell in love with this guy. And unfortunately, when I fall in love with someone I tend to start to feel a little insecure....you know, the hurt-in-the-past thing again. The little actions that C did for me in the relationship slowly started fading away. He stopped wanting to see me on certain days of the week. Stopped having sex very often (almost three week hiatus at one point). Kissed me hello but that was it. Still texted me regularly.

Of course, I absolutely freaked out. I started picking these little battles with him for the last month... asking him why this and why that. He said nothing has changed. My friends just thought he was getting lazy in the relationship. He still saw me on days that we usually hung out but it seemed different. Sometimes it was still great though, it was about half and half great days full of love and the other half just more like buddies.

So on Tuesday I went to his basketball game, just like I do every Tuesday as supportive as I am. When I get to his basketball games he usually comes over and kisses me hello and then we go out to eat afterward. Well this Tuesday I was all sorts of insecure when I got there, and all he did was give me a little wave hello, and when the game was over I snapped at him for not saying hi to me. Not exactly my best choice but I've been really nervous about the relationship for a couple weeks. We also had a big fight last Friday night about him not texting me to check up on me and make sure I was ok when I hung out with my girl friends.

So he left me, and texted me and ended the relationship. He said we were not compatible, it wasn't going to work, we weren't the same, I was too sensitive, the chemistry was gone. He told me this over and over as I pleaded and begged. I texted him all night knowing he would get it in the morning, saying I could change and please give me another chance.

Wednesday morning he reiterated that the relationship wasn't going to work. I texted him sobbing and pleading for about five minutes, asking to start over, and he said "Well if you want to take a break for a few days and talk on Monday we can do that if you can handle it."

So I don't know what this means. So like an idiot, I called in to work on Wednesday and got wasted at a college pool and texted him over and over. Every time I asked him to give me another chance he said we should clear our minds and think about things and decide what we both want and talk on Monday. I am very impatient and I don't know what this means.

I discussed it with my friends and they think he just wants me to stop texting him for the weekend, the relationship is over and I should just accept it.

Today I told him I felt like his mind was made up so what is the point. He said part of our problem is I need to calm down (true). He brought up talking on Monday again and that we both need a couple days to think what we both want.

I don't know what to do. I'm flipping out. I'm not going to text him any more today but I am so devastated. Do you think he just wants to break up with me on Monday so I stop texting him all weekend like my friend said? I know I need to stop texting him, so I'm definitely done doing that. If you told your bf/gf what he told me especially after telling me we were DONE so many times, do you think he might want to work on it or do you think this relationship is completely over??

I'm heartbroken. Thank you for your help.

June 5, 2015

He wants you to stop being insecure & clingy. If you can go back to the confident happy fun woman he started dating things might be OK.

June 5, 2015

Give him the space he is asking for to think about this clearly.

Do not beg him to reconsider. Do not try to win him back. Respect his decision and let us know what happens on Monday.

Please do not get in touch until then. It will only makes things worse.

Trust me

June 5, 2015

I agree with that 100 percent, but I want to be able to prove it. I told him so many times in my rants and texts that I wanted to show him that I could stop being like this but he says people don't change.

June 5, 2015

I agree with that 100 percent, but I want to be able to prove it. I told him so many times in my rants and texts that I wanted to show him that I could stop being like this but he says people don't change.

You will not be able to show him anything right now. Texting him all the time to say you have changed will only prove otherwise.

Give him the space he is asking for, please.

June 5, 2015

Move on and learn from this.

June 5, 2015

I agree with that 100 percent, but I want to be able to prove it. I told him so many times in my rants and texts that I wanted to show him that I could stop being like this but he says people don't change.

By ranting & texting you were doing the very thing that you were swearing you could stop. Talk is cheap. Action is the only thing that counts. In your case. He needs to see in action. Sit on your hands. Go out this weekend & do fun things with anybody else.

June 5, 2015

By ranting & texting you were doing the very thing that you were swearing you could stop. Talk is cheap. Action is the only thing that counts. In your case. He needs to see in action. Sit on your hands. Go out this weekend & do fun things with anybody else.

I absolutely agree with that. I'm just wondering why he gave up on the relationship so quickly and never really even talked to me about any problems he had with the way I acted, then just dumped me.

June 5, 2015

I absolutely agree with that. I'm just wondering why he gave up on the relationship so quickly and never really even talked to me about any problems he had with the way I acted, then just dumped me.

It's not an easy subject to discuss. He may have felt like he did talk to you but you didn't hear him. He must have said something if you ranted & previously promised to stop (but didn't)

Second, the shortness of the relationship tells me he's smart. If it's this much of a hassle early it's not worth it, might as well cut his losses.

June 5, 2015

Sweetie-

Ok, I'm going to be brutally honest here. Please don't take it as being mean.

You were/are absolutely SMOOTHERING him! I would of deleted and blocked your number when you started freaking out texting him constantly. That would of scared me! Put yourself in his shoes. What would you of done if some guy did that to you?

The MAJOR problem or issue here is your low self esteem and poor confidence. It sounds like he was losing interest in the relationship and you did the absolute worst thing possible. You got insecure, clingy, needy and smothering. That only reinforced with him that he was making the right decision to check out and end the relationship.

Sweetie, you need to leave him alone. I'd be shocked if he'd want to date you anymore. You need to address your self esteem issues and why you freaked out so bad. You were reading the signs correctly. It really sounds like he had lost interest in the relationship. It happens. A person with good self esteem wouldn't of freaked out. They would of addressed the observations with their BF with a conversation to see if he was checking out. If he said yes, then said ok and wished him luck and then vanished from his life to move onto someone more compatible.

We've all done this to some degree and learned from the experience. I think you will too.

June 5, 2015

I met this guy C in December. We are both early 30s. He and I had a lot of mutual friends. At first I wasn't sure about him, I didn't even know if I liked him, but he charmed me so hard. He went out of his way for me, made little gifts for me, took me out different places. We had sex all the time and he was very attentive to my needs and it was great. He couldn't get enough of me, always passionately kissed me and couldn't keep his hands on me.

He asked me to be his girlfriend and I was hesitant because I've been hurt so badly so often in the last couple of years but I caved because he was so wonderful and so sweet and we had so much fun together.

Well, inevitably, I fell in love with this guy. And unfortunately, when I fall in love with someone I tend to start to feel a little insecure....you know, the hurt-in-the-past thing again. The little actions that C did for me in the relationship slowly started fading away. He stopped wanting to see me on certain days of the week. Stopped having sex very often (almost three week hiatus at one point). Kissed me hello but that was it. Still texted me regularly.

Of course, I absolutely freaked out. I started picking these little battles with him for the last month... asking him why this and why that. He said nothing has changed. My friends just thought he was getting lazy in the relationship. He still saw me on days that we usually hung out but it seemed different. Sometimes it was still great though, it was about half and half great days full of love and the other half just more like buddies.

So on Tuesday I went to his basketball game, just like I do every Tuesday as supportive as I am. When I get to his basketball games he usually comes over and kisses me hello and then we go out to eat afterward. Well this Tuesday I was all sorts of insecure when I got there, and all he did was give me a little wave hello, and when the game was over I snapped at him for not saying hi to me. Not exactly my best choice but I've been really nervous about the relationship for a couple weeks. We also had a big fight last Friday night about him not texting me to check up on me and make sure I was ok when I hung out with my girl friends.

So he left me, and texted me and ended the relationship. He said we were not compatible, it wasn't going to work, we weren't the same, I was too sensitive, the chemistry was gone. He told me this over and over as I pleaded and begged. I texted him all night knowing he would get it in the morning, saying I could change and please give me another chance.

Wednesday morning he reiterated that the relationship wasn't going to work. I texted him sobbing and pleading for about five minutes, asking to start over, and he said "Well if you want to take a break for a few days and talk on Monday we can do that if you can handle it."

So I don't know what this means. So like an idiot, I called in to work on Wednesday and got wasted at a college pool and texted him over and over. Every time I asked him to give me another chance he said we should clear our minds and think about things and decide what we both want and talk on Monday. I am very impatient and I don't know what this means.

I discussed it with my friends and they think he just wants me to stop texting him for the weekend, the relationship is over and I should just accept it.

Today I told him I felt like his mind was made up so what is the point. He said part of our problem is I need to calm down (true). He brought up talking on Monday again and that we both need a couple days to think what we both want.

I don't know what to do. I'm flipping out. I'm not going to text him any more today but I am so devastated. Do you think he just wants to break up with me on Monday so I stop texting him all weekend like my friend said? I know I need to stop texting him, so I'm definitely done doing that. If you told your bf/gf what he told me especially after telling me we were DONE so many times, do you think he might want to work on it or do you think this relationship is completely over??

I'm heartbroken. Thank you for your help.

Please...please find the strength to leave him alone even if it kills every single fiber in your body.

I just lost a wonderful woman for the exact reason for smothering and begging and pleading during the time away period

Please just give him space and maybe say "I've calmed down and you're right let's take some time to think...talk to you soon"

Something like that

Show him you have already started changing

Begging and pleading didn't work and it really makes you look bad and I really believe that's why my ex left me

June 5, 2015

Sweetie-

Ok, I'm going to be brutally honest here. Please don't take it as being mean.

You were/are absolutely SMOOTHERING him! I would of deleted and blocked your number when you started freaking out texting him constantly. That would of scared me! Put yourself in his shoes. What would you of done if some guy did that to you?

The MAJOR problem or issue here is your low self esteem and poor confidence. It sounds like he was losing interest in the relationship and you did the absolute worst thing possible. You got insecure, clingy, needy and smothering. That only reinforced with him that he was making the right decision to check out and end the relationship.

Sweetie, you need to leave him alone. I'd be shocked if he'd want to date you anymore. You need to address your self esteem issues and why you freaked out so bad. You were reading the signs correctly. It really sounds like he had lost interest in the relationship. It happens. A person with good self esteem wouldn't of freaked out. They would of addressed the observations with their BF with a conversation to see if he was checking out. If he said yes, then said ok and wished him luck and then vanished from his life to move onto someone more compatible.

We've all done this to some degree and learned from the experience. I think you will too.

Thank you for your response. In the relationship, though, I was never smothering or needy. Rarely ever. I did get a little pisssed off about things, very unnecessary things, but I have only been this crazy for the last couple of days.

I asked him why he was "checking out" so to speak, and he says it was because I sometimes made him uncomfortable and he couldn't relax around me.

If he really wanted to end the relationship, which he did once, but backtracked and said he wanted to talk about it Monday. I asked him if there was any part of him that wanted to work through it and he said of course. So if he really wanted this to be completely over I don't understand why he wants to think about it for a couple of days.

June 5, 2015

Please...please find the strength to leave him alone even if it kills every single fiber in your body.

I just lost a wonderful woman for the exact reason for smothering and begging and pleading during the time away period

Please just give him space and maybe say "I've calmed down and you're right let's take some time to think...talk to you soon"

Something like that

Show him you have already started changing

Begging and pleading didn't work and it really makes you look bad and I really believe that's why my ex left me

Oh I am trying, it is so hard, especially when he won't text me or make any effort to reach out to me.

June 5, 2015

So I would say that when your significant other starts to get distant and acting different, there is two things you should start doing. The first thing is, take a look at yourself, ask yourself what am I doing wrong? Look at yourself from the eyes of your partner, ask yourself am I doing something to drive them away? Now the second thing to do is look at your partners behavior. Ask yourself why are they acting this way? look at their behavior, are they texting all the time when your around? is it taking them a long time to text or call you back? So here's the thing, when looking at your relationship I would say there are a couple things I'm worried about, number one he started to get distant, now that could be because he was losing interest. however you being clingy and insecure could also contribute to that.

June 5, 2015

If he really wanted to end the relationship, which he did once, but backtracked and said he wanted to talk about it Monday. I asked him if there was any part of him that wanted to work through it and he said of course. So if he really wanted this to be completely over I don't understand why he wants to think about it for a couple of days.

Ok, so do this.. LEAVE HIM ALONE. Do not contact him in anyway. Let him reach out to you about this Monday conversation. If he doesn't contact you, don't freak out and text him asking about the Monday meeting! If you don't hear from him, it means he does want to break up and there's NOTHING you can do about it RIGHT NOW.

You're only chance is to give him some space and time away from you. Give him a chance to miss you. Any contact from you is going to turn him off further in a big way. Even if a few weeks go by. Figure it's over and learn from this.

If you do hear from him again, DON'T fall all over yourself apologizing. You already have. Simply be cool and say "I'm not sure why I freaked out, it's not my norm" and then change the subject. Be confident and relaxed. Let him drive the conversation about whether to continue or not. If he doesn't want to continue, don't cry and beg! Have some pride and wish him luck and leave.

June 5, 2015

Oh I am trying, it is so hard, especially when he won't text me or make any effort to reach out to me.

You still don't get it. That is the whole point. He wants some space. He's not going to reach out. If you truly want to change, as much as you think it's "killing you" you have to let him come to you. You cannot make the 1st move. Sit still. If you do anything else, this will end the minute you send the next text or make the next phone call.

June 5, 2015

Nadine!

This is where I had my epiphany about you:

Of course, I absolutely freaked out.

No, not of course. The truth about being in romantic love is that it isn't supposed to be a permanent state of affairs. It is a catalyst, and it serves to draw two people together in a bond. Eventually, the effects of the catalyst wane, and the people are left with a regular person, and not with some illusion of perfection.

Now here's the trick. When they see that regular person, they start to get to know them. Actual love can bloom if the real person they see has a sufficient number of redeeming qualities that have high value to the observer. And that's what happened.

You freaked out. You picked fights. You snapped at him. You showed him who you really are.

So he bolted. Let that be a lesson to you. At your age, I'm surprised that you haven't already learned it by now.

There's your wisdom. I hope you can use it.

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It's only been five months but I'm absolutely devastated...Wisdom needed. :(

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