placeboLDR Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 My GF and I have been dating for a little over a year, the past four months in an LDR. She took a job overseas and I was supposed to go with her at the outset, but our landlord wouldn't let us out of our lease. No biggie, it's only four months, we've got this. Started off as expected; lots of communication right away, which slowly tapered off after a few weeks which I attribute to her settling into her job and new environment. Unfortunately, the distance and one-sided communication triggered some deep-seated abandonment issues and I freaked out about it. A trip to visit her had already been planned and on my arrival, it was if nothing had changed. The spark was still there. We parted ways with a plan; with only one month left on our lease and two months left on her contract, I would finally leave the job I loathed, move down there with her to work on our own business, get healthy, etc. We say our I love yous and I return home. Lots of talk for two weeks or so about the business, marriage (she emailed me pictures of dresses, rings, venues), when to start having kids... but then it's almost as if a switch had been flipped. She extended her contract four more months. She becomes distant again, and again, I freak out (super needy). In addition to the abandonment, I've also given notice to work and I've started packing already. I'm left with a diet of text breadcrumbs and when we do talk on the phone once a week, the conversations are really heavy, mostly because I haven't been getting what I need (I need affirmation). Any talk of the plan to move is heard, but tabled for a later dialogue. Fast forward to this past week, and I have another job opportunity that I'm considering taking, but still haven't heard anything about our plan, so I wrote her a message saying that I needed an answer because I couldn't keep this new opportunity on hold. She said that she has some very real concerns that we'd need to discuss before committing to that kind of move. She also said that she felt like that this was saying this is it, but she wasn't ready to end it and she still loves me. Would've been great to know that before I gave up the apartment and even better if we had been talking about her concerns as they arose. No contact from either side since Monday. I'm not blind. I can read the writing on the wall. Trouble is she's coming home to visit next week. We have a meeting with potential business partners and then we're supposed to go on her family's annual trip. It's a big one; aunts, uncles, parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, etc. I feel like if I do go, it'll only be to placate her, and my presence there would be under quasi-false pretenses (her family is great, though!). If I don't go, it'll probably ruin any chance I have for future reconciliation, which at this point, I still want. What do you think? Should I go on this trip, try to have the best time possible and leave this relationship on a "high" note or should I find a way to politely excuse myself from attending and the potential emotional embarrassment?
DexterLS Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 It doesn't matter if you end the relationship on a high-note or whatever. My last encounter with my cheating girlfriend was in Dubai. I booked a 3-night stay at Sheraton and it was great! She was already cheating on me though and she is with the guy right now. I think you should go on the trip. She didn't end it yet, so hear her out. Have a face-to-face conversation with her first (something you really need, at this point) to discuss your future and then decide from there. All the best!
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 You need to make the best business / financial decision for you regardless of what she needs or wants. It's a bird in the hand kind of thing. If you think there's hope for the relationship go with her. But if you think that this is over, there is not point whatsoever of you going anywhere with her whole family. As for starting a business with her, that is not a great idea at this point. The BEST business advice I ever got was a startup needs either a year's worth of living & business expenses in the bank a supportive spouse / partner who is willing to finance life (mortgage, car, food, insurance etc.) a job with an income which enables the entrepreneur to also work on the new venture Without one of those, there will be huge financial struggles. It doesn't even sound like you two have a formal written business plan yet so this business is a pipe dream. Pursue the other opportunity.
SendHope Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 "High note"? For who? Will you actually be able to enjoy the trip with her family or will you be too wracked up with worry inside while you're with her? On her side, she has you to show to her family that you two are still going on. If she ends it sometime after the trip, you'd feel used. Personally, I wouldn't go on the trip. I'd say with how things are lately, it doesn't feel right to go. Take the job opportunity. Do what's best for you right now. Good luck. 1
aloneinaz Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 I also agree that with how she's acted, it appears she's checking out of the relationship. I was also going to suggest a chat with her face to face but the more I think about it, the less I think it matters. I would not involve myself in ANY financial or business matters with her, what so ever.. I think your logic is also "flawed" that you'd consider attending this under the guise of "leaving a relationship on a high note".. You will be pissed and feel used if she kicks you to the curb after the event. Don't fool yourself. If I was you, I'd be wrapping my head around the fact that in all likelihood she's met someone where she lives which is why she's withdrawn from your relationship. If I was you, I'd be looking for an exit plan from that relationship and move on with your life.
mystikmind2005 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 You could try giving her a serious gesture of hope. Sign up for a relationship course if you can find an appropriate one, then tell her you realize you have allot to learn about relationships... so you have signed up for this course because you are serious about having a good future with her. Even if she is not all that impressed by this idea, one thing i can guarantee, women love proactiveness in their men and she will subconciously appreciate it.
EgoJoe Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Don't go on the trip, don't reach out while she's in town do your thing. That is how you'll break that "needy" cycle and give her the time to either introspect or escape. In the long run it's the healthiest move for you in my opinion. I encourage you to read about emotions and relationships on your own. Read about attraction and the ego. Watch the movie, "Revolver" read a fantasy novel. Become comfortable on your own and exist in this unpleasant state until you reach your epiphany.
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