Hard Worker Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Hey guys, I posted my story on this and a few other advice sites a day or so ago. In a nutshell, I'm in a 12+ year long relationship with my high school girlfriend, and suddenly now that we have grown up, graduated college, and started "real life", it has taken a turn for the worse. She has started staying with her mom again, and completely refuses to talk about our relationship. You can read my previous post if you so choose. So far I've gotten for the most part some really good, helpful advice. One of the most common bits of advice I see on my post, and many many others is that No Contact is the best way to solve problems. How ever in my case and some others, the little bit of contact that we have seems to be good and helpful. When we talk it is almost like we are back in high school, back when we shouldn't have been living together and didn't have the worries. It's honestly the best part of my day. It's just normal conversation, tell each other about how our days went, what all is going on the next day, good night, sleep good, talk to you tomorrow. We laugh, and she likes to confide in me and ask advice about matters of work or family. My reason for this post is to see what your opinions are regarding continuing this as opposed to completely ending contact. Are there any success stories from going back to the way the relationship began? Any thoughts on this possibly allowing us to feel comfortable enough to move on with our relationship eventually? I know about the friend zone, and am concerned about slipping into that. However I have heard many people say that the best relationships are between best friends, and many couples say that their significant other IS their best friend. Let me know what y'all think regarding this?
NC-Thomas Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Sounds like you are on her leash. She is currently dictating the kind of relationship you two are having, and you don't like that I can imagine. So basically you are under her control, because she has the power over the course of the relationship at the moment. As a man, I think you should create some boundaries for yourself. Being dragged along like this just isn't an option. Just because she is hesitant about her commitment, doesnt mean you should suffer for that. You can wait her out for all eternity and be her "friend", which will show her you can be placed wherever she wants... Do you feel like being that puppet? Because thats what it is. For the next course of action I would either make it really clear to her that, she is either in or out and that being friends is not an option. You deserve 100%, and she is not even giving you 25%. I would go full NC, trust me, she will be contacting you... thinking "oh wait this guy has infact got boundaries and a natural feeling of self-worth"... Only then will she start to think about the decision she has made. 4
DexterLS Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Sounds like you are on her leash. She is currently dictating the kind of relationship you two are having, and you don't like that I can imagine. So basically you are under her control, because she has the power over the course of the relationship at the moment. As a man, I think you should create some boundaries for yourself. Being dragged along like this just isn't an option. Just because she is hesitant about her commitment, doesnt mean you should suffer for that. You can wait her out for all eternity and be her "friend", which will show her you can be placed wherever she wants... Do you feel like being that puppet? Because thats what it is. For the next course of action I would either make it really clear to her that, she is either in or out and that being friends is not an option. You deserve 100%, and she is not even giving you 25%. I would go full NC, trust me, she will be contacting you... thinking "oh wait this guy has infact got boundaries and a natural feeling of self-worth"... Only then will she start to think about the decision she has made. This, all day. It feels good, because you don't want to let go of what you have. The little contact you have with her helps you fill the void she left and that's not good for you in the future. Please stop this asap and go No Contact to help yourself. 2
ZiggyZoo Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 There's a huge difference between being in the friendzone (where you are,) and being friends with a significant other. She isn't interested in a romantic relationship with hyou, so you're never going to get back to where you were before. That's the difference, you've already been there, and she chose to end it. Most of the relationships where the two are friends first don't start out as a romantic relationships first. You're welcome to post on here as many times as you want, but you're still going to hear the same advice from 90% of the people who take the time to answer. And that's to realize that you're being used for emotional support and a Plan B, and that the only way for you to heal from this is to end it and go NC. There just isn't any way to salvage this, she won't even talk to you about your relationship. You might be able to be friends down the road in a few years, but it isn't good for you to keep hanging on for whatever scraps she throws at you. Time to face reality and move on. 1
Author Hard Worker Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 A bit harsh but I need to hear that. Thank you for the information.
barky2 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Nc give you a chance to let your emotions die down, to give your heart a break, and your head a chance to think clearly. Talking or keeping in contact, just prolongs the pain, and keeps you on said leash. Chit chatting makes it easier for her to get over you, and tougher to get over her. If you want any chance to get back together with her, you need to cut it off. Now. " we are no longer together, and cannot remain friends. I need some time for myself. I'm letting go and moving on, if for some reason you'd like to try again, give me a shout but I cannot keep doing this to myself" Then walk away. Then begin your healing, and put it in your head she is never coming back. Walk away and begin your journey. Best of luck. Barky 1
aloneinaz Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 My man, where you expecting to hear something different than what advice you where given in the first thread? We are only trying to help you here. Many of us veterans have been through this and have read other outcomes from similar situations. Right now, you're letting her dictate everything. She's not going to respect you for this at all. You're kind of being a total door mat to be honest. Women want and like a guy who won't be pushed around by them. It's a test for them in many cases. You're only chance her is to STOP letting her dictate everything and making the decisions. Take back control. Not many here would allow this. They simply tell her that she appears to not want to continue with the relationship and then move on and stop contact with them. This allows you time to clear your head and start to heal so you can move onto a woman that wants to be with you. It may also allow her time to miss you and come back. Either way, stop being the door mat here and take control of your life. Don't let her keep controlling it.
Thecondor1991 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 It seems like you are her security blanket. When she needs you for emotional support, When she needs to feel like there is someone there for her she will turn to you, when she needs advice she'll turn to you, when shes having family problems, she'll turn to you, but when she needs love from someone I can guarantee she wont be turning to you. I believe NC isn't for everyone. I've said it before and I'll say it again, for some people Nc just doesn't work, or its just not possible, I would look at your situation, decide what you and her are gaining out of staying in contact, if you feel you aren't gaining anything from it, if you feel like you still really want her back, then I would say its time for NC.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 There's a huge difference between being in the friendzone (where you are,) and being friends with a significant other. She isn't interested in a romantic relationship with hyou, so you're never going to get back to where you were before. That's the difference, you've already been there, and she chose to end it. Most of the relationships where the two are friends first don't start out as a romantic relationships first. You're welcome to post on here as many times as you want, but you're still going to hear the same advice from 90% of the people who take the time to answer. And that's to realize that you're being used for emotional support and a Plan B, and that the only way for you to heal from this is to end it and go NC. There just isn't any way to salvage this, she won't even talk to you about your relationship. You might be able to be friends down the road in a few years, but it isn't good for you to keep hanging on for whatever scraps she throws at you. Time to face reality and move on. Friends to lovers happens quite a bit. Lovers to friends is rare, with Jerry and Elaine from Seinfeld being the best example. Lovers to friends back to lovers is even rarer.
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