WasOtherWoman Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Acting like your husband's mother. I just got off the phone with a friend of mine, she was, as usual, complaining about her husband being incompetent, blah blah blah. Then, she REMINDS him to close the garage door when he leaves. What the hell is this dynamic? I have to say i see this more and more often. At the gym a few weeks ago one of the ladies was saying something about her husband wanted "x" (can't remember what it was). Well, she said she just "put her foot down" :eek: I cringed. This has got to be one of the biggest relationship/marriage / romance killers ever. I am not my husband's mother. Does not seem like a good dynamic to me. 7
toscaroscura Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I think it's gross too. I refuse to do it. Although when I was younger I had glimmers of this behavior, simply because it was the societal model for "woman in relationship". But it felt wrong so I stopped. I also refuse to "mother" someone while dating. I won't clean his apartment, do his laundry, cook for him*, tell him how to dress, etc. *I cook as a nice/romantic gesture, and usually WITH him. But not like I'm his mother (ie. "You never eat proper meals, I'll take care of you!") 2
candie13 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 has to do with boundaries, and women being naturally nurturing. Sucks big time. in my case - unmarried 34 years old - the biggest relationship killers are: - pressure - ego wars Pressure to become his gf, to be exclusive, to have children or move in, you name it And ego wars when you get the partner paralyzed because you won't move until he gives you what you want / need. Which he won't, because you're so damn self absorbed into those needs you keep want him to respond to.
Toodaloo Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Turning it on its head... being forced into becoming an old nagging mother is also a really big turn off... Some of these men really do take a lot of "looking after"... Some women can deal with it. Others can't 6
toscaroscura Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Turning it on its head... being forced into becoming an old nagging mother is also a really big turn off... Some of these men really do take a lot of "looking after"... Some women can deal with it. Others can't This is true too but I'm at the point where if a guy needs all this "mothering" I bounce.
kjohn Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I absolutely agree with you, but I will add this... It can be difficult to live with a man who doesn't want you to act like his mother or treat him like a child, but constantly puts you in the motherly position. I jokingly refer to it as "Don't tell me what to do! What do I do?" My BF is in his 40's and has lived alone for many years of his adult life. Somehow he managed to survive, yet ever since we moved in together he cannot manage to heat anything in the microwave or in the oven without asking me how long to heat it for. It baffles me. Surely he heated things up when he lived alone. He does not need my input on this. Also, many times he will come to me in conversation and ask my opinion about something. When I start to give him my opinion (which he asked for) I sometimes notice that his demeanor will change and he will start to become defensive. That's when I shut up and stop talking because I know that while he may have asked for my opinion, he doesn't actually want to hear it....or maybe it's just when my opinion is different from what he wants to hear. Then there are times when he starts to tell me something that he is planning to do that I know is absolutely ridiculous and is going to end badly. This is when I have to remind myself over and over in my head that he is a grown man and doesn't need my permission to do anything. I just listen and reserve comment or judgment. Then when it ends badly, as I knew it would from the beginning, I bite my tongue and stop myself from saying I told you so. My guess is that it is especially difficult for mothers to stop themselves from mothering their significant others, because women are nurturing by nature and mothers are nurturing X 1000. It's just who we are. But you are right....it's not good for the relationship to try to mother your significant other....even when they try to ask you to. 4
minimariah Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 (edited) i agree. i know one story -- my colleague did her best to basically raise her husband all over again. she would tell him things to change, she would correct him just like a mother would. he literally tried to re-raise him. after a while, he found another woman and left her, she acts as if she lost s project... not a husband. the way she talks about him now is like "i MADE him and he left me!" like she put all this effort into making him a man she exactly wanted him to be and then he dumped her. it's fascinating, really. i see that a lot with women, always trying to change a man. biggest relationship killer for me turned out to be simply lack of communication about everyday life and topics. just a daily chat about ordinary things with your SO. that and bad sex, of course. Edited June 5, 2015 by minimariah 1
Author WasOtherWoman Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 Interesting responses.... the nurturing thing specifically. Having never had any desire to have kids, maybe I did not get the "nurturing gene"??
Confused48 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Lets not be sexist here. I think it is much more common for men to have to be husband and daddy to their wives. And for wives to demand it and or tolerate it. 1
Author WasOtherWoman Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 Lets not be sexist here. I think it is much more common for men to have to be husband and daddy to their wives. And for wives to demand it and or tolerate it. Hm.. interesting perspective. I think I disagree though, unless husbands just do it privately. Or maybe i just speak more to women than men? I have never really encountered a man speaking to his wife like she is an idiot the way that I see women doing it. I need to pay better attention, maybe?
Giggle Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Hmm yeah my ex wanted me to tell him. Drove me nuts. Frankly I'd rather just do it myself. Then he would complain that I made him feel useless because he would never just see what needed to be done. And I refused to keep pointing these things out.
candie13 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 ooooohhhh, those are bad, I used to have a former boss like that. He would try to make me feel guilty for making him feel stupid because he didn't think of what needed to be done on out projects. I mean it. It culminated to him asking me to shut up in all of the meetings and finally not even wanting to have me to these meetings, he was feeling that threatened, hahaha. Such a poor bloke, I swear, nothing worse than a donkey thinking he's a stud ! 3
Popsicle Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Criticism and contempt, are two of the 4 horsemen that John Gottman refers to as the 4 marriage killers. I forgot what the other 2 were. 6
minimariah Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Lets not be sexist here. I think it is much more common for men to have to be husband and daddy to their wives. And for wives to demand it and or tolerate it. i will respectfully disagree. from my own experience -- i find that men are more ready to accept the woman just the was she is, but women are usually trying to ALWAYS change something on their man. maybe it's just my experience. 3
minimariah Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Criticism and contempt, are two of the 4 horsemen that John Gottman refers to as the 4 marriage killers. I forgot what the other 2 were. defensiveness + emotional withdrawal are the other two. 2
lollipopspot Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 This has got to be one of the biggest relationship/marriage / romance killers ever. I'm not sure about that. While I don't like it, I see plenty of couples for whom it seems to work. I think they like it that way. 3
Auspecial Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Acting like your husband's mother. I just got off the phone with a friend of mine, she was, as usual, complaining about her husband being incompetent, blah blah blah. Then, she REMINDS him to close the garage door when he leaves. What the hell is this dynamic? I have to say i see this more and more often. At the gym a few weeks ago one of the ladies was saying something about her husband wanted "x" (can't remember what it was). Well, she said she just "put her foot down" :eek: I cringed. This has got to be one of the biggest relationship/marriage / romance killers ever. I am not my husband's mother. Does not seem like a good dynamic to me. Yes but so many men seem to like this treatment from women. They complain about it, but they keep ending up with women like this. 2
candie13 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Yes but so many men seem to like this treatment from women. They complain about it, but they keep ending up with women like this. because they've all had a mother, that's why.
Author WasOtherWoman Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 I'm not sure about that. While I don't like it, I see plenty of couples for whom it seems to work. I think they like it that way. I guess.... but does it really work? Are they truly happy? I just can't wrap my head around that sort of dynamic. I think though, that my initial post goes deeper than someone just telling someone what to do (which, for me, would not work) but also the fact that they speak, about and to, their spouse as though they were a complete idiot. I am more objecting to that...
autumnnight Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I lost respect for my H because of this. Learned helplessness. I mean, when he is incapable of looking up a phone number and asks me how many tylenol he is supposed to take.... Just no 2
Auspecial Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 because they've all had a mother, that's why. LOL...I guess..... Maybe that's why I've never embraced the idea of being an ass to men....because I never wanted to be like my mother.
jen1447 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I guess.... but does it really work? Are they truly happy? I just can't wrap my head around that sort of dynamic. I think though, that my initial post goes deeper than someone just telling someone what to do (which, for me, would not work) but also the fact that they speak, about and to, their spouse as though they were a complete idiot. I am more objecting to that... You even see it reflected in the media - sitcoms or TV commercials where the domestic husband is portrayed as an utter dope and his save-the-day wife treats him like one. 3
Author WasOtherWoman Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 You even see it reflected in the media - sitcoms or TV commercials where the domestic husband is portrayed as an utter dope and his save-the-day wife treats him like one. YES!! Totally true. Even Mike and Molly, who are supposedly newlyweds have fallen into this dynamic already.
Satu Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Carl Jung said that there's only one thing more pitiful than a man who's mother doesn't love him enough, and that's a man who's mother loves him too much... Only one mother per man, in my world. 5
Poutrew Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Criticism and contempt, are two of the 4 horsemen that John Gottman refers to as the 4 marriage killers. I forgot what the other 2 were. Forgetfulness and not being able to get past the number 2. 2
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