TeddyBear2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half. We get along so well and up until yesterday we never fight. Lately she has been under a lot of stress from quitting smoking 2 months ago, and then her mother passed away a few weeks ago. Over the past couple of months she has been taking out her anger and frustrations on me, even when I've done nothing wrong. Normally I keep in mind that she's going through a lot and I try to be patient and not give in to the negativity, and I let her take it out on me. I try to be understanding and work with her to help her feel better. Yesterday I was having a bad day and was dealing with some issues of my own. She was aware of this, but when I came home she began unloading anger on me and accusing me of things I did not do, which she later admitted that she had jumped to conclusions on and apologized. I'm never the one to take my anger or frustrations out on her, and she agrees that she has been doing this to me a lot lately. But this time I got upset back and told her that I couldn't keep letting her unload her negativity on me, that I had reached my limit and I may start to reflect it back at her when she does because I can't keep taking it. She told me that if that was going to be the case then maybe we need to take a break. Later she said that she only meant that she did not want a toxic relationship where we are going to fight if I start reflecting anger back at her. It feels like she was using breaking up as a weapon in the argument. I feel like a better solution instead of breaking up would be for her to agree to try to stop taking things out on me when I haven't done anything wrong and for me to not respond to her anger with anger of my own when she's taking her frustrations out on e. She last proposed a solution that when she is taking things out on me undeservingly in the future that I would let her know that we need to talk about it later when she isn't upset. But now I'm concerned that she has used breaking up as a weapon and that this is a bad sign of things to come.
Toodaloo Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Sounds to me that you do need to take a break - but together. Life isn't always peaches and cream and invariable the people we take things out on are those that we love the most... Instead of shouting and arguing and passing blame it sounds to me as the pair of you just need to take some time out to enjoy each other again. Perhaps suggest this to her.
Torii Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Sometimes when we spend too much time with our significant other, we begin to take the support they give us for granted and this causes problems to arise - like the arguing that's happening between you and your GF. Best advice I can give you is to give each other more space. Spend less time with each other until emotions get figured out and handled properly. You can still be in a relationship and take a break for emotional situations that are draining; this is part of being together, the fact that we can separate and participate in self-care activities that help us deal with stress. Do this as a couple, yet don't do it with each other. 1
Hopeful30 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 A year and a half and you only have your first argument NOW? That's impressive I gotta say. For me it's usually much sooner than that. If someone uses breaking up as a weapon in arguing, then f*ck that. I'm sorry but you really get the best sense of a person when you argue with them. Depending on how they argue, you get a better sense of their character, how emotionally mature they are, how they deal with problems etc. If someone threatened me with that, they would lose all respect in my eyes. Really? THAT'S how you're gonna argue? Threats? Clearly you're not mature enough to deal with the actual issues, and I don't want a partner like that. I want someone I can sit down with, discuss the problem maturely and find a solution. If threats is all my partner has, then he is no man at all. Just my two cents. 1
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 The loss of a mother is a very traumatic experience. She needs support and an outlet to let out her anger. She needs to speak to someone about how she feels and she needs tools to manage her feelings. She can find that support in her church or with a psychologist. She does not need a long therapy. She needs short term support to go through that grieving. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Here's the thing. That argument, though your first, was just a reflection of rest of your relationship. She has a tendency to act irrational and emotionally and you take it and are sensible. I think don't dwell on her using the break up word during your argument BUT make sure you tell her that is not the solution to your arguments. Arguments are a fairly normal part of being in a relationship. It won't be worst thing in the world if you have other ones. Make sure you don't keep "taking it" and letting her take her frustrations out on you. Realistically when that happens you are bottling up your feelings and she is taking you for granted and treating you like a doormat. I'm glad you stood up to her this time. Just realize, in doing so, you reached another area where she pushes back. It's essentially the same thing as she has been doing except with higher stakes and in heat of moment. Really it shouldn't surprise you if you think about it. Just keep back at her with your own fair boundary and rational thinking. I think she will respect you more for it and your relationship will improve even more. Sounds like you have a pretty good one already. The solution you both came up with in the end was good. I just think conflict is uncomfortable for you and not as much for her. Get more comfortable with conflict. In the end if she is going to break up with you over something unreasonable you will be fine but I'm sure she was just using that as an emotional threat knowing it would hurt you and "thought" it would make you comply. Good luck.
Hopeful30 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I'm glad you stood up to her this time. Just realize, in doing so, you reached another area where she pushes back. Interestingly the one time he stands up for himself is the one time the relationship is rocky (the argument.) What does that tell you? It tells you that this relationship works only if you take her sh*t and let her be as she is. You disrupted the flow of the relationship when you spoke up for yourself and for what you felt was right. Hence why you began to argue. Take this into consideration when you're evaluating your relationship. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Interestingly the one time he stands up for himself is the one time the relationship is rocky (the argument.) What does that tell you? It tells you that this relationship works only if you take her sh*t and let her be as she is. You disrupted the flow of the relationship when you spoke up for yourself and for what you felt was right. Hence why you began to argue. Take this into consideration when you're evaluating your relationship. Yes, I agree. He avoids conflict. She is capitalizing on this regardless of her current state of mind because a 1.5 year without arguments is a really long time. To be seen, whether she respects him more since he has drawn the line and their relationship benefits from it or if it will not be good for the relationship. I think as long as he gets comfortable with the idea that there will be more conflict in their relationship and it is not the end of the world, it could be fine. I'm an optimist, I guess, in that I don't believe his gf would just be the type of person who ONLY loves him because she can run him around. Taking her current situation into account and length of time they have been together, I think they actually like each other but are finally reaching a stage that most couples reach much earlier. I think they are only reaching it now though because of strong belief by OP that fights are bad overall and spell doom for the relationship. He will need to get over this in order for them to succeed. Don't think I know enough about her to guess how she will react to new him. 1
aloneinaz Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 There could be more to this than simply her stress and current circumstances. When people start to take their anger and stress out on their partner, it's a show of disrespect towards them and feeling like they have all the power in the relationship to get away with it. (Oh, he's not going anywhere, I can get away with it). They may also be questioning the relationship and if they want to stay in it as well. When she threw out the "break up" card, to me, it's an indication that it might be something she's been thinking about in the back of her mind. Her reaction to you having the balls to stand up to her (how dare you) and react that way, kind of reinforces it. Personally, I'd NEVER allow someone who allegedly "loves" me to take their crap out on me. A partner is not there to be abused, verbally or physically. That is a flat out relationship ender! Again, it's about RESPECTING your partner and loving them. Yes, everyone can be short or snippy on occasion but what you're describing is un-acceptable. My ex thought she had ALL the power and could get away with taking all her $hit out on me. I held her accountable but she kept doing it. I knew she was questioning our relationship and if she wanted to continue it. She was clearly disrespecting me because you don't treat someone you're crazy about that way. The last time she snapped at me, I told her I was done with her treatment. She ended us (thank god!), so I was right about her all ready checking out. I'd have my RADAR on full right now if I was you. You need to really look at the health of that relationship and wonder if she's happy with it and if you are you happy with it as well. The next time she snaps or barks, I'd calmly tell her this isn't working, and you're going a different direction. Clearly, she thinks she's in full control of the relationship. Demonstrate to her that she's not. My friend, her behavior is a major red flag and yes, you should be concerned about a future with her.
Gary S Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 That's great that you two went for a year and a half without any arguments. The best couples do this. I can see she is in a stressful place in her life, but that's not an excuse for her to walk on you. At least you have the sense to stand up for yourself. But there is a better way. Do you live together? You two could use some healthy space. Get a man cave - a spare room or the garage, a room of your own, and spend more time alone. If you live apart, you can limit dates to as little as once a week. Tough love is another option... cut off romance and affection, but never respect and trust.... when she asks, "What's wrong"? - that's your cue to tell her, her attitude is turning you off. For best results, it's has to be their own idea to listen and change. You don't want to start a pattern of arguing when you two were doing so well. Strife is not good.
coryreply Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Thank you for your post. Your GF has sure been through a lot of stress in a relatively short amount of time. Making hurtful, personal attacks or making threats in an argument is a sign of bad communication. That's a common problem in relationships, but if you don't work on it, it can really become a major problem. If you perceive that this is something that will continue to be toxic point in your relationship going forward, it might be best to go ahead and set up a meeting with a good counselor. Perceive the problem and be proactive to correct it.
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