misspond Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Usually I'm pretty upbeat about life but I must admit, as the title says I'm feeling pretty despondent. I was reading another thread here yesterday where one of the posters basically said, "If you've got young children kiss your dating life goodbye until they go off to college, and if you're in your late 40's then there's little hope you'll ever find someone." Wow. I can't disagree though. I'm late 40's with youngish children and that really just kicked my positivity to the curb. It's hard enough to get out as it is, although I do try and make the most of the weekends when the children are with their dad by going out with friends. It's the meeting new people that's the tricky bit - going out to events or clubs that happen on weekday nights is nigh on impossible, OLD is just not working for me at all (well, unless I'd like to meet up with a married man, there seem to be plenty of those looking for something extra, and that's really not going to happen). It's the adult companionship and intimacy that I miss the most. I've not been intimate with anyone for far too long (relationship was sexless after my oldest was born except for the one occasion that resulted in the youngest being born, so that's 11 years!) and I just feel.....empty and sad. Anyway, virtual back-rubs or kicks up the bum gratefully accepted.
ZA Dater Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 If one thing is true in life....don't believe all you read. 2
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I feel my life started at 45 and I will be 50 this year. I have never had so much attention from men than I am having now so I don't know where they get their statistics that it's over at my age. You are in a place in your life where you finally can make peace with your past and with yourself. You are older, wiser, stronger. I get discouraged at times too, when I do I go spend time with the people that matters the most to me. Their love is a balm. If you do not want to do online than I suggest you tell everyone around, friends, family, colleagues, that you are looking and would be open to meet a gentleman they would know. 2
StalwartMind Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Afraid it's "no-kicking Friday" so some friendly encouragement will have to do. Does having young children make things more difficult? Perhaps some, but I recall, when growing up as well as currently, of couples that meet under less than ideal circumstances. As long as you have a desire then you have the ability to make your life better. As far as I'm aware, there are men out there worth your time who are looking for those exact same things as you. Good companionship is perhaps one of the most valuable things we can experience. If you are fairly open towards ideas then I also believe you have a better shot at meeting someone who fulfills your criteria. Just because you are a mother with children at a certain age, doesn't mean that no one would prioritize you over someone who is say without children. Your personality and qualities will be noticed by a man who is right for you. I do believe that you and anyone else for that matter should not be downhearted when you read or hear people say negative things. Yes that even means if it's a vocal majority. Since when did it ever become a fact, just because many believe it. No sir/mam not in my book. I can be a pessimist but i prefer being an optimist. Positive energies and an outlook on life that holds good thing in store is so much better. I've said it before and I'll always do, it's never a bad idea to start of being a friend with someone and let things develop from there. There's also no question that the best ways to meet people, and to meet them continuously, is to join some kind of club, community or team. That can even be done online too if you have interests where it's possible. There are always options. Believe in yourself, I believe in you. As long as you have the heart to follow through, you can do more than what you perhaps think. Never underestimate yourself or anyone else, one day luck will shine on you too and guide a man your direction. (If not then you go right ahead and tell me off in some 50+ years from now, if Loveshack is still online and we are both here of course) 1
Author misspond Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 Thanks all, I really appreciate your encouraging and kind words. I too prefer to be an optimist, the last couple of days have been tough going for myriad reasons and I have found myself feeling blue. I'm grateful for the opportunity to vent here, and happy not to have been *kicked*, and in all honesty I need to stay away from the more discouraging threads 1
Brigit Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Thanks all, I really appreciate your encouraging and kind words. I too prefer to be an optimist, the last couple of days have been tough going for myriad reasons and I have found myself feeling blue. I'm grateful for the opportunity to vent here, and happy not to have been *kicked*, and in all honesty I need to stay away from the more discouraging threads I'm 46 and feel your pain. The media gives women in their 40's a terrible blow and if you try to google "Women in their 40's" you'll probably feel like your life is over. Best thing to do is to keep away from reading that stuff. 1
Author misspond Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 I'm 46 and feel your pain. The media gives women in their 40's a terrible blow and if you try to google "Women in their 40's" you'll probably feel like your life is over. Best thing to do is to keep away from reading that stuff. Oh yes! Thing is I have a great life, my kids are fab and loving, my family although not local are also loving and supportive, and I have great friends and a job I love, so I don't entirely feel as though my life is over. I just slipped down a "woe is me/dating hole" again is all, and the words that have been offered have helped me immensely. I think I made a post just like this a couple of weeks ago so I should probably get that in check.
SycamoreCircle Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I'm sorry you feel so down. I can't offer you advice on how to invite romance into your life. But I can offer that closeness and intimacy are rich things. And oftentimes we ache for such rich things. The ache for those things causes more ache. Try to let go of your desire. Try to not let desire rule your life. Don't lose hope. But realize that you have much to be thankful for and that desire is, by very design, elusive and frustrating. Try to let go. Right now you have everything you need. 1
Author misspond Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 I'm sorry you feel so down. I can't offer you advice on how to invite romance into your life. But I can offer that closeness and intimacy are rich things. And oftentimes we ache for such rich things. The ache for those things causes more ache. Try to let go of your desire. Try to not let desire rule your life. Don't lose hope. But realize that you have much to be thankful for and that desire is, by very design, elusive and frustrating. Try to let go. Right now you have everything you need. You're right, thank you. To be honest I have lived for a long time without those rich things. A small taste of them earlier this year (with a man I was introduced to through friends but who wasn't on the same page as I was) is what has brought these things to the fore. I've taken what I can from that experience though, and realised that opening myself up to someone emotionally again is possible. So that's a start. All part of life's rich pageant.
jen1447 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Aw, I'll give you a cuddle. The age thing is nonsense. I realize it hasn't been happening for you but that's just bc it hasn't been happening, not bc you're 4x or have x kids or whatever. (Weird how stats ppl always come up with those bizarre calculations and qualifications.) It sounds goofy and patronizing but it may actually happen when you least expect it, or at least when you're not trying. 1
preraph Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Well, there's exceptions to everything. Of course your best bet is to find a single dad. It's not that men aren't attracted to women with kids - it's that women with kids can barely fit them into their schedule. I can tell you from just being friends with a 40-something with kids, it's fit into her one slot every 3 months or nothing. That's not fair to a friend or date. I can never just call her up and say, "How about lunch tomorrow?" If you want to date, you better start finding a trustworthy nighttime baby-sitter and use her. No one wants to entertain kids on a date, especially when first dating, and no one wants to always come in last in priority. No one wants to ask you out for Friday and have you tell them, "Oh, my boy has karate on Friday." You have to be sure you don't let your kids run your household as far as all that goes. It won't hurt them to miss an activity once in awhile. They don't have to go do everything they want to do all the time. But you mostly need a good on-call babysitter so you can not be the dictator about when YOU can go. Of course, the problem with a single dad is then you have two possible opposing visitation schedules to work around, but it's still your best bet for finding someone understanding. Good luck. 1
Author misspond Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 Well, there's exceptions to everything. Of course your best bet is to find a single dad. It's not that men aren't attracted to women with kids - it's that women with kids can barely fit them into their schedule. I can tell you from just being friends with a 40-something with kids, it's fit into her one slot every 3 months or nothing. That's not fair to a friend or date. I can never just call her up and say, "How about lunch tomorrow?" If you want to date, you better start finding a trustworthy nighttime baby-sitter and use her. No one wants to entertain kids on a date, especially when first dating, and no one wants to always come in last in priority. No one wants to ask you out for Friday and have you tell them, "Oh, my boy has karate on Friday." You have to be sure you don't let your kids run your household as far as all that goes. It won't hurt them to miss an activity once in awhile. They don't have to go do everything they want to do all the time. But you mostly need a good on-call babysitter so you can not be the dictator about when YOU can go. Of course, the problem with a single dad is then you have two possible opposing visitation schedules to work around, but it's still your best bet for finding someone understanding. Good luck. The babysitter thing is a bit chicken and egg I do get definite time off from them though, so it's not all bad.
Author misspond Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 Aw, I'll give you a cuddle. The age thing is nonsense. I realize it hasn't been happening for you but that's just bc it hasn't been happening, not bc you're 4x or have x kids or whatever. (Weird how stats ppl always come up with those bizarre calculations and qualifications.) It sounds goofy and patronizing but it may actually happen when you least expect it, or at least when you're not trying. Thanks for the cuddle I think the not trying thing is trueish, I've not tried for ages though and it's just on my mind now. It'll pass though.
Brigit Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 (edited) Thanks for the cuddle I think the not trying thing is trueish, I've not tried for ages though and it's just on my mind now. It'll pass though. Actually, why don't you try? There are plenty of free OLD sites where you can post pictures. I know you said it isn't working for you but you don't have to date any of the guys. I'll probably be nice to get some attention. If I was single I'd do it just for a bit of fun. LOL. Edited June 5, 2015 by Brigit
Author misspond Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 I'm in a kind of weird place with it all Brigit. My friends and people around me are aware that I've had enough of being single, and although I live in quite a large town apparently no-one knows anyone who might even be fun to go out with for drinks. But I do get invited out by friends regularly. In fact they're the ones who have been pushing me for the last few years to get out there and find myself someone, whilst I was more than happy to not be looking. I'm trying to venture out more without friends too, and I guess that the one time a babysitter would be really handy is if I find some kind of activity or club that happens during the week, but so far I've not found anything that floats my boat. Something might turn up though, and I am looking as I recently gave up one of my long-term hobbies because my interest had run its course. Plus it was predominantly female focused which was beginning to wear on me a bit. Recently there were a few dates with someone I was introduced to through friends and in all honesty we'd have been better off if we'd stuck to just being mates who met as part of the bigger group as we have a lot of interests and a dry sense of humour in common, but romantically it was not meant to be. As for OLD - well, yes I'm on a free site. Trust me, the attention I mostly get is far from a laugh, and all this from a non-flirty, easy-going slightly funny profile with both recent face and full shots, including one of me at a party with friends where I looked pretty damn good if I say so myself. I appreciate it's a numbers game though with OLD and that for some it works, for others it doesn't. I've also been on OLD dates with 4 men in the last couple of years (I've dabbled before and generally take down my profile after a couple of months - I've had one up since January and this is the longest I've stuck it out) but no-one I wanted to spend more time getting to know - although I appreciate that that may have just been me being unavailable. They can't all have been as odd as I thought they were, right?! Over the coming three months nearly all of my weekends off have at least one event booked in with some free time as well, so I'm striking what I hope is a good balance between being busy with people I know, not just sitting on the sofa eating ice-cream, drinking wine and feeling sorry for myself and having some down time that will allow me to do or not do whatever I please. Oh, and I take the kids out to all kinds of kid friendly events when they're with me too. So I'm in a kind of looking-without-looking-too-hard place. I'm going to try and chill out a bit, keep leaving the house smiling, stay away from negativity and haul myself out of the rut I'm in. 1
jen1447 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I'm in a kind of weird place with it all Brigit. My friends and people around me are aware that I've had enough of being single, and although I live in quite a large town apparently no-one knows anyone who might even be fun to go out with for drinks. But I do get invited out by friends regularly. In fact they're the ones who have been pushing me for the last few years to get out there and find myself someone, whilst I was more than happy to not be looking. I'm trying to venture out more without friends too, and I guess that the one time a babysitter would be really handy is if I find some kind of activity or club that happens during the week, but so far I've not found anything that floats my boat. Something might turn up though, and I am looking as I recently gave up one of my long-term hobbies because my interest had run its course. Plus it was predominantly female focused which was beginning to wear on me a bit. Recently there were a few dates with someone I was introduced to through friends and in all honesty we'd have been better off if we'd stuck to just being mates who met as part of the bigger group as we have a lot of interests and a dry sense of humour in common, but romantically it was not meant to be. As for OLD - well, yes I'm on a free site. Trust me, the attention I mostly get is far from a laugh, and all this from a non-flirty, easy-going slightly funny profile with both recent face and full shots, including one of me at a party with friends where I looked pretty damn good if I say so myself. I appreciate it's a numbers game though with OLD and that for some it works, for others it doesn't. I've also been on OLD dates with 4 men in the last couple of years (I've dabbled before and generally take down my profile after a couple of months - I've had one up since January and this is the longest I've stuck it out) but no-one I wanted to spend more time getting to know - although I appreciate that that may have just been me being unavailable. They can't all have been as odd as I thought they were, right?! Over the coming three months nearly all of my weekends off have at least one event booked in with some free time as well, so I'm striking what I hope is a good balance between being busy with people I know, not just sitting on the sofa eating ice-cream, drinking wine and feeling sorry for myself and having some down time that will allow me to do or not do whatever I please. Oh, and I take the kids out to all kinds of kid friendly events when they're with me too. So I'm in a kind of looking-without-looking-too-hard place. I'm going to try and chill out a bit, keep leaving the house smiling, stay away from negativity and haul myself out of the rut I'm in. One thing I like to do once in a while just to stay sharp is to go to the bar alone. You might think it makes you look like a 'playa' or a prostitute lol, but you don't actually have to take anyone home and it's a good way to challenge yourself. Plus you never know who you might meet.
Author misspond Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 One thing I like to do once in a while just to stay sharp is to go to the bar alone. You might think it makes you look like a 'playa' or a prostitute lol, but you don't actually have to take anyone home and it's a good way to challenge yourself. Plus you never know who you might meet. Must admit I've thought about it. If I give that a try then I'll be sure to let you know 1
SycamoreCircle Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 One thing I like to do once in a while just to stay sharp is to go to the bar alone.What exactly are you sharpening?
jen1447 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 What exactly are you sharpening? My ability to handle potentially uncomfortable situations. 1
Brigit Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Over the coming three months nearly all of my weekends off have at least one event booked in with some free time as well, so I'm striking what I hope is a good balance between being busy with people I know, not just sitting on the sofa eating ice-cream, drinking wine and feeling sorry for myself and having some down time that will allow me to do or not do whatever I please. Oh, and I take the kids out to all kinds of kid friendly events when they're with me too. So I'm in a kind of looking-without-looking-too-hard place. I'm going to try and chill out a bit, keep leaving the house smiling, stay away from negativity and haul myself out of the rut I'm in. It sound like you are doing good. You're probably just having a bad day or a bad couple of days. As long as your doing fun things it doesn't matter if your dating or not. When you go to the events you'll meet lots of people and can flirt with some men and not have to sleep with anyone.
Brigit Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 One thing I like to do once in a while just to stay sharp is to go to the bar alone. You might think it makes you look like a 'playa' or a prostitute lol, but you don't actually have to take anyone home and it's a good way to challenge yourself. Plus you never know who you might meet. Yo..that is some top-shelf confidence ya got going on there. Props If I'm ever single again I'm hanging with you. 1
Satu Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 There's a lot you can do at the weekends to build a social life. I don't know if you are an outdoorsy type or not, but there are a lot of hill walking, sailing, flying clubs etc, where you can meet great people who love life, and are fun to be around.
jen1447 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Yo..that is some top-shelf confidence ya got going on there. Props If I'm ever single again I'm hanging with you. You got is sister. 1
Popsicle Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 It's funny because I'd love to meet a [single] guy in his 40's with either older kids or no kids, but all I ever meet are ones with young kids. They do exist and they would be perfect for you.
Popsicle Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 There's a lot you can do at the weekends to build a social life. I don't know if you are an outdoorsy type or not, but there are a lot of hill walking, sailing, flying clubs etc, where you can meet great people who love life, and are fun to be around. I think maybe one of her problems is that she has young kids which doesn't afford her much time to get away without them. I remember those days. I'm glad I'm past them now. 1
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