My Partner Has Disconnected...

[marcibean]

My partner has emotionally disconnect and it's happened a few times before. One time we even split up but ended up coming back together after a month apart.

To start with I have a son who my partner has strongly bonded with and their relationship is beautiful, he even reached points of saying he feels as if he is his own even if not biologically. So, their relationship is amazing! However, I do come with my son and that is naturally very different to people going into a relationship with each other where there are no children involved.

When we first met he had spent a long time travelling and being very free and was about to begin another and biggest yet travel mission of his life which involved really going into himself and the journey having to be some thing he has to do on his own (for personal reasons etc).

We weren't expecting to meet and fall in love.

I had come out of the relationship with my sons (who is 2) dad about 10 months prior to meeting my now partner.

We have been together 9 months. it's been intense. it was the kind of meeting like none other we have experienced before. the three of us clicked in the most beautiful way on every possible level. All the pieces fit but we were struggling with the challenges that I was having from my sons dad (who isn't very involved in my sons life) and my partner with making the transition from being in the middle of a incredible travelling journey mission to suddenly falling inlove and literally finding what feels like his family.

over time he would feel disconnected and detach and at one point split up with me because he was worried this isnt the time in his life that he should be having a relationship and should continue on with his mission. then when he split with me he realised he wasn't happy with that decision and felt a great loss in me and my son.

since we came back together things have been amazing. we have a incredibly deep and beautiful relationship. we know each other on levels we have never known anyone before and the love we share is immense and something we never knew existed. he has been SO happy and felt so connected to his heart and this little family unit we were falling into so naturally. we have the same dreams and goals in life and are so compatible in so many ways. we even planned to travel together and had started planning for some amazing adventures ahead. everything was falling into place and felt so exciting.

then my partner started a new job thats very intense (working with children who have mental health problems) and he is exhausted a lot of the time. i have also been ill so any precious time spent together often resulted in the last few weeks in stupid arguments we wouldnt normally have had. whenever we have been through patches of arguing is when it has led to him disconnecting and thinking he needs to end the relationship. he is also a musician and his creative time for working on his music has come to a complete halt since starting this new job as the spare time he does have has been spent with me an dmy son and we have done some beautiful things in that time. however i noticed how his music had stopped so i suggested to him we look at his work hours more carefully and set times he does music and times he sees us etc and i also created a space in my house for him so when he is staying here he can also do his music when he feels he needs to. so i am only supportive of him making sure he fullfills that very important creative side to him, because his passion lies in music making.

the thing is we both have a history. mine relates to trust and his to abandonment. we have both had similar relationship patterns in the way of we have had quite a few and ended most of them ourselves due to things not feeling right with the other person. i am worried he is repeating the same pattern with me all though he has felt more for me than he has ever felt before.

he has told me so many times how inlove with me and my child he is (this doesn't come easy to him anymore to just throw words around like that and he took a good amount of time within himself to be sure of how he felt before he said anything like this and what im about to say) he has also said so many times how all his life his heart and soul yearned to find a love like this and have a family but he never believed he could have it, was worthy of it or that it could even exist. he has said with me its the first time in his life he could picture sharing a life with some one and doing all the things he dreamed of create a family, something he says his heart has always so deeply yearned for. and when things are good between us we are just on a roll and everything is flawless and we work so so well together. then if we hit a rough patch where we might argue a bit more due to outside stresses like work or illness for example, he suddenly cuts off and cannot feel a thing, he loses all feelings he had and then starts thinking he shouldnt be in a relationship, that its the wrong time of his life and wants this to work but also worries he should just be on his own travelling etc. he gets deeply confused, completely depressed and terrified. he starts making every excuse under the sun that he should be on his own but at the same time doesn't actually leave and when he has moments of feeling connected to his heart again he breaks down in tears and is a complete mess and gets so confused and feels completely messed up within himself.

as you can imagine this is so so hard on the realtionship. he has past issues with abandonment coming back from his childhood and previous relationships so he has found his personal security in travelling and learning to be alone and be happiest like that so when anything becomes rocky in our incredibly amazing relationship he goes straight back to that place and disconnects from us completely but without actually physically leaving. then because of my past issues i have trust issues so when this happens i feel overwhelming hurt and pain because i trusted in him and all he has said and done for me. so when this happens i react in a way that is expressing the immense hurt and pain i feel inside which then pushes him away further.

and now we are in one serious pickle because my son became incredibly close to him and of course because of all me and him share between us is so beautiful and like nothing we have shared with anyone before and has surprised us over and over how incredibly it is the connection we have. the point it has reached now i just don't know how i should be handling this. i naturally feel like crumbling and breaking down because i feel like i am losing him (if i havent already) but this pushes him away further and scares him. the last time he went through this i remained strong throughout and didnt allow my pain to take over. the process went on for weeks but he eventually came back more than ever with more love than ever for us and more devotion than ever.

but now this is happening again i am finding it hard to separate my pain from his inner confusion and disconnection. what can i do? how should i be handling this? what can help? does anyone understand the way he is being from a personal point of view? any advice and conversation on this would be so greatly appreciated. i have my son i need to prioritise but its so hard to be there in every way possible when there is this much pain going on in the relationship right now. xxx

[StalwartMind]

Have you considered seeking professional help? It might be a really good idea to get some counseling on how you can make this work. It does seem like he has a lot on his mind, and that he is a person where at times due to stress, an overload of thoughts and emotions happen. It's naturally difficult to say, but I would suspect that if he is being overwhelmed by both negative and positive feelings at the same time, he kind of just shuts down. This does not mean that he actually intends for this to happen or that he actually wants to leave you, it could purely be an automatic mechanism in him that just does that.

 

As always it's important to be able to communicate, but when that fails you need to think of alternative options. There's no doubt you do share a connection and something good, but you do need to approach this situation delicately. Do you think he would be open towards getting some professional help? I believe all too often a lot of people go into this self-destructive pattern, when the are desperate or panic. Ease his mind to the best of your ability and try to handle the situations like two sensible adults. Nothing is achieved by fighting, but it can be difficult for most to not do when emotions are running high.

[marcibean]

Thank you so much for your reply, that's what I really needed to hear. The one area where we clash is his shutting down and my issues with trust. so naturally in a situation like this it clashes quite hard and reminds me how much i need to work on my trust issues, keep a level head and help him through this rather than make it harder for him. it's so easy to just react in a selfish way all the time due to my trust issues from past stuff. we did see a counceller the last time this happened but we didn't find it helpful. i spoke to my dad today though who has a lot of insight with this kind of thing and he said he would like us to meet together and see if he can help us through it. so i think i want to take him up on this. thank you again for your reply, it's helped me to keep a level head about it rather than getting too caught up in selfish pain and needs etc

[Quiet Storm]

I think you both moved way too fast.

 

You have only been together nine months and he's already disconnected multiple times. You've even split up for a month already.

 

You should have waited until you were in a stable relationship before allowing your son to get so close to a guy. Now he is going to suffer the loss of another father figure. Your boyfriend's abandonment issues that you are dealing with now- that could be your son in 20 years if you continue to choose guys that you have no stability or compatibility with. I'm not saying that your dates shouldn't meet your son, but to allow him to foster this deep connection with a guy who has proven to be undependable is just irresponsible, IMO. I know I sound harsh, but his well being should be your top priority. His life will be hard enough without his dad, and the last thing you want to do is set him up for more heartbreak. So in the future, I suggest you establish a stable relationship first (love isn't enough), before you allow men to form such a close bond with your son. You are his advocate, his protector and he needs you to make good choices.

 

Your boyfriend just isn't ready to be a family man, IMO. When it gets too "real" he panics and wants to run away. It's not your trust issues causing you not to trust him- it's your intuition, your gut feelings. You don't trust that he's going to be there for you and your son, because HE doesn't even have that faith in himself.

 

if we hit a rough patch where we might argue a bit more due to outside stresses like work or illness for example, he suddenly cuts off and cannot feel a thing, he loses all feelings he had and then starts thinking he shouldnt be in a relationship, that its the wrong time of his life and wants this to work but also worries he should just be on his own travelling etc.

 

How can you have trust & faith when he does that? You don't have trust issues- you are smart to not trust him.

 

You two love each other and have a deep connection, but it just doesn't seem like you are compatible at this time in your lives. I agree it would be worth it to pursue counseling because you are in love and your son is involved, but to be honest I feel like he is just not ready for this. He loves you & your son and is trying to keep it together, but it sounds like this is not the kind of life he really wants right now. That's going to keep nagging at him, which will cause him to distance himself, which will cause you to worry. It's just not a healthy dynamic and you need to consider how it's affecting your son's home life.

 

You already have one baby, you know? You don't need another one. If your BF isn't sure this is what he wants, let him go. It's not your job to make him feel safe, give him a schedule and provide a playroom for his music. He's a grown man! He needs to figure out what he wants, and if doesn't soon, you have to say "Enough!" because his indecisiveness is affecting you & your son. As a single mom, you have enough stress in your life. He needs to get himself straight before he is capable of being a good partner and a good father figure to your son.

 

 

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Edited June 5, 2015 by Quiet Storm

[marcibean]

Yeh you are right. My son definitely is my top priority and i guess i let him in because it started to happen naturally over time and their bond was so instant it was hard to avoid. even just short flying visits my son latched onto him. i have a lot of male friends who he sees a lot but there was just some thing about these two where even in flying visits there was just some thing special between them, so i guess that's why that one developed like that. and i tried as hard as i could for months to get a babysitter or only see my partner when my son was asleep, but it became near impossible at times and we were so close at this point it all just felt right etc. i guess maybe i have been naive.

but it's true about getting to a point where enough is enough. as much as it will absolutely hurt more than anything i have yet experienced... i know for my sons sake and my own it's some thing i can't continue as long as this is going on. but i also want to keep it real to the point of realising what i have done to provoke this behaviour in my partner, i know im not the easiest person to be with at times so i want to also take responsibility and look at my behaviour in this and if that's some thing that has triggered him. i don't want to just pass blame if that makes sense.

thank you for your response, i really appreciate the honest opinions. x