TheKJ100 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Hi, I'm new to posting on forums but need some advice. I met this girl 3 weeks ago while having a few drinks with work colleagues, we work in the same building but work on different days. For the last week we've been 'seeing each other'. Most of the time it is a couple of hours cuddling with me in bed, a few kisses (light ones) on the lips, but no sex (I'm not worried about that so early on). But I have seen her everyday so far (5 days). We also text each day and chat on the phone nearly everyday. *She has only come out of a relationship 2 months ago where she came out of it really bad emotionally* Last night (day 5) I was on the phone to her (she called). Maybe because I'm inpatient, or just general foolishness, but I asked: Me: "Do you like the thought of us?" Her: "Yeah I do but I want to take it slow. During my last relationship I lost a lot of friends and family due to the type of guy I was with, he made me really depressed, I need to build bridges with them. Also Alex is talking to me again (someone she use to see) and I want to get back the friendship I had with him. Me: "Oh okay, I understand what you're going though. If you are trying to get back with Alex then I understand, it would get awkward between me and you if you two were together". Her: "Oh no, I don't want that, I just want to build the trust with him and get back as good friends with him. I do like you but after everything what happened in my last relationship, I need to build the bridges and take it slow with us". She does like me, but is worried about making the right choice. Since that phone chat she has been a little less responsive with texts, but that could be because of anything. But at the same time, I hope I'm not the guy she's having wait around with until something better/Alex is ready for her. So I'm still uncertain if she is just playing a game, or is serious about taking things slow with me?
joseb Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 A few things seem a bit strange here. You have just met but she is already getting into bed with you, but she is taking things slow? And you have spent every day together already. This isn't taking things slow. I'd say either she was interested in something but you are coming across as too needy/clingy, or else she was looking for a casual hookup but as you have not escalated things in bed she is getting bored.
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I think she likes you wenough to not want you to carry the label 'rebound'. This is what worries her. She doesn't want to fall headlong into a relationship and commit to something that is actually just a sticking plaster over an old wound... You have to determine whether you want to play a patient supportive role, or what you're actually in this for. Are you looking for long-term commitment, a sound, solid relationship you can build on that will last for years? What do YOU want this to become? Because I think she's tried to be open and honest with you. It's time you were open and honest with YOU, too....
minime13 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 A week into seeing someone seems a little soon for having any kind of "us" conversation. She probably isn't interested into jumping into another relationship so soon (given her explanation of the previous one), but enjoys the closeness and companionship. The "do you like the thought of us" question probably made her put her brakes on, and understandably so. I would take a step back, give her the opportunity to lead the pace, and keep the intimacy light for the time being. If things turn more intimate, then let her know your intentions. Laying all that on the line, right now, seems a little soon. 1
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 You will be the big loser of this story. *she is just out of a relationship. That's a big no no. These people need time to get back on their feet emotionally. Anything she tells herself she believes because she is emotionally vulnerable and shaken at the moment. YOU on the other end are not vulnerable and shaken, you should know better cause you got your whole head and should know investing your time in someone 2 months single is a waste of time and feeling. *she wants to get back some ex friendship? Nah, I don't buy that. She is using getting back the friendship as an excuse, what she really wants is to see if she can rekindle things with him. In her mind he's probably 'the one that got away'. *She wants to take things slow but sees you every single day. She is looking for a band-aid. You're filling a void. You are nice, you're giving her attention, you make her feel good. When she is back on her feet and ready to date again you won't be the one she picks. You're the band-aid guy. 4
Aruchi Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Start talking to other girls, don't invest into her emotionally you will only be hurting yourself. I've been through what your going through right now and it's not worth it. It's all BS she just want to keep you around so she feels good about herself.
elaine567 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Ok, I get the wanting to take things slow, but I am not sure why it is so important to her to prioritise her friendship with her ex? Do they have kids together? If not, then it is weird. Anyone who really wants to be with a man, and has been with him a lot over 3 weeks, is not going to be harking back to the past and take things slow, just so she can forge better links with her ex. I guess, unless this is really about kids, she is talking nonsense here.
Author TheKJ100 Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 Ok, I get the wanting to take things slow, but I am not sure why it is so important to her to prioritise her friendship with her ex? Do they have kids together? If not, then it is weird. Anyone who really wants to be with a man, and has been with him a lot over 3 weeks, is not going to be harking back to the past and take things slow, just so she can forge better links with her ex. I guess, unless this is really about kids, she is talking nonsense here. I should have made it clear, Alex is not the ex-boyfriend that made her depressed, he was just some guy that was there when her last relationship with her ex ended and she became really good friends with him (like a rebound). Her and Alex stopped talking for awhile as he went on holiday with friends for a month, it's only in last few days that he has re-initiated contact with her. And last few days, she has been asking if I've been talking to this other girl that she thinks I'm secretly seeing even though I'm not.
elaine567 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I should have made it clear, Alex is not the ex-boyfriend that made her depressed, he was just some guy that was there when her last relationship with her ex ended and she became really good friends with him (like a rebound). Her and Alex stopped talking for awhile as he went on holiday with friends for a month, it's only in last few days that he has re-initiated contact with her. And last few days, she has been asking if I've been talking to this other girl that she thinks I'm secretly seeing even though I'm not. OK then why is it sooo important to her to prioritise Alex the rebound.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I think she is interested in this Alex person. And if she was hurt by the break-up, now is probably not a good time for her to be seeing anyone. I think she is looking for some of the comforts of a relationship (chatting, cuddling) but she's not ready to move on yet, really. Don't invest any more in this. Going from hardly knowing someone to seeing that person almost every day in such a short period of time can be a warning sign. Her actions and her words don't exactly line up but now that's she's stated that she wants to take it slow and rebuild this connection with another guy, I think you need to check out.
Author TheKJ100 Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 OK then why is it sooo important to her to prioritise Alex the rebound. The two of them have become best friends as she didn't have anyone to talk to when her relationship ended.
elaine567 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 The two of them have become best friends as she didn't have anyone to talk to when her relationship ended. And what has that got to do with you? Unless she sees, seeing you and Alex is problematic. Otherwise I do not see the reason to mention him at all. People can still date and have all sorts of things going on with friends and relatives, the fact she is mentioning going slow in the same breath as Alex, is a worrying sign for you, I think.
Redhead14 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Hi, I'm new to posting on forums but need some advice. I met this girl 3 weeks ago while having a few drinks with work colleagues, we work in the same building but work on different days. For the last week we've been 'seeing each other'. Most of the time it is a couple of hours cuddling with me in bed, a few kisses (light ones) on the lips, but no sex (I'm not worried about that so early on). But I have seen her everyday so far (5 days). We also text each day and chat on the phone nearly everyday. *She has only come out of a relationship 2 months ago where she came out of it really bad emotionally* Last night (day 5) I was on the phone to her (she called). Maybe because I'm inpatient, or just general foolishness, but I asked: Me: "Do you like the thought of us?" Her: "Yeah I do but I want to take it slow. During my last relationship I lost a lot of friends and family due to the type of guy I was with, he made me really depressed, I need to build bridges with them. Also Alex is talking to me again (someone she use to see) and I want to get back the friendship I had with him. Me: "Oh okay, I understand what you're going though. If you are trying to get back with Alex then I understand, it would get awkward between me and you if you two were together". Her: "Oh no, I don't want that, I just want to build the trust with him and get back as good friends with him. I do like you but after everything what happened in my last relationship, I need to build the bridges and take it slow with us". She does like me, but is worried about making the right choice. Since that phone chat she has been a little less responsive with texts, but that could be because of anything. But at the same time, I hope I'm not the guy she's having wait around with until something better/Alex is ready for her. So I'm still uncertain if she is just playing a game, or is serious about taking things slow with me? She's not playing games, she's being honest with herself and you. She's smart enough to know that it takes times to process and get over a relationship. That being said, the fact that she's trying to keep some kind of relationship with Alex is a little sketchy in terms of her emotional state. To me it seems that since she broke up with the last guy, she's "going" back to Alex because they used to be together and now that's she's struggling emotionally again, she seeks comfort from someone she knew before and is kinda used to. If I were you, I'd back off from this one or just make sure you keep it really casual. Don't invest yourself.
Author TheKJ100 Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 She's not playing games, she's being honest with herself and you. She's smart enough to know that it takes times to process and get over a relationship. That being said, the fact that she's trying to keep some kind of relationship with Alex is a little sketchy in terms of her emotional state. To me it seems that since she broke up with the last guy, she's "going" back to Alex because they used to be together and now that's she's struggling emotionally again, she seeks comfort from someone she knew before and is kinda used to. If I were you, I'd back off from this one or just make sure you keep it really casual. Don't invest yourself. She did say that her fixing the friendship with Alex wouldn't ruin what me and her have so far, she just wants the platonic side the relationship with Alex.
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 The two of them have become best friends as she didn't have anyone to talk to when her relationship ended. Look at it this way. Lets say for a moment that Alex is an Alexandra. Would it make sense to you that she says she wants to take things slow with you because she wants to rebuild a friendship with Alexandra? No, not at all, it does not make anymore sense with an Alex. Listen to what she says. She has given you her list or priorities. 1. Get back on her feet from break up 2. Rebuild a friendship with a male 3. THEN you 3
Popsicle Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 (edited) Lots of people do this. They say they want one thing with their words and behave entirely differently with their actions. In this case, she says she wants space and independence but sees you and calls you daily. Going through this is confusing for both people, and at the very least, unfair to the recipient. (You) I would just let her come to me almost every time. Of course, she'll not like that you don't initiate anymore, but if/when she complains, you can point out to her that this is better for you than being rejected on account of her whims. Edited June 5, 2015 by Popsicle
Author TheKJ100 Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 Look at it this way. Lets say for a moment that Alex is an Alexandra. Would it make sense to you that she says she wants to take things slow with you because she wants to rebuild a friendship with Alexandra? No, not at all, it does not make anymore sense with an Alex. Listen to what she says. She has given you her list or priorities. 1. Get back on her feet from break up 2. Rebuild a friendship with a male 3. THEN you So Gaeta, would you say I'm setting myself up for a fall by thinking me and her can one day be something?
Popsicle Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 So Gaeta, would you say I'm setting myself up for a fall by thinking me and her can one day be something? I'm curious...What is "something"?
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 So Gaeta, would you say I'm setting myself up for a fall by thinking me and her can one day be something? Yes hon, I am sorry. We see these stories all the time on here. If you are looking to find someone for a serious relationship you are gambling big. Most of the time when these people get over their break up it's not with you they want to move on. Here is an option. You can see each other but do not let her monopolize your time. You are low on her priority list so why would you give her your prime time. Handle her as a friend, no kissing, laying in bed, no nothing, just go out and have fun like friends and no more seeing each other every day! That's what people do when they want to take things slow, they don't fool around and they go out together 2 times a week. Also date other women. 1
jen1447 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 She may not be doing this with 'evil' intent but she's def taking liberties with you imo. She's bscly setting you off to the side for her convenience. I agree w/Gaeta - only give her back as much as she gives you. She called it. 1
Lansing Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 All sounds pretty weird. Sleeping together in the same bed but nothing happening but light kissing? Have you tried to escalate and had her reject you? I dated a girl last year... she came across as pretty cold and even though she was accepting date invites I felt like her being so cold showed her true interest level. When I discussed with her she said she wanted to "take things slow " and for me to get to know her more first... I felt like I was making all the effort so I just stopped initiating contact and she never texted, called or emailed me again! I think you are getting used by this girl. She is giving you the minimum (cuddling, light kissing) to keep you around.
Versacehottie Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 It's a simple solution. You need to pull back. Right now her priorities and your priorities don't line up. Let her set the pace. Don't hold your breath or wait for her. Keep moving, it will be more attractive to her as well as bring you closer to what you are looking for. Just a side note, the Alex priority is suspect. If it is just a platonic friendship, that is a kooky thing to bring up during romantic relationship discussion. Therefore, I don't believe it is entirely platonic. 1
coryreply Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 At this stage in the "relationship," I think it's pretty normal for a girl to play games, at least a little. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's something you should be prepared for going in.
Gary S Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 This one is cut and dried - she is on the rebound, still emotionally wounded from the last relationship, incapable of falling in love yet. You need to date other women, this one is a lost cause.
mongo Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 dude...run. those are the most god awful words to ever hear come out of a womans mouth. i would rather hear "youre a great friend" and get friendzoned than to hear "i like to take things really slow"...translation: "im not that interested". or in your case: "be my cuddle friend until Alex comes back to me".
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