mjkcal Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Good evening. First post, I guess I'm in a bit of a mess. I'm 31 years old, and have been dating an alcoholic. This has been for about 6 months. She was honest and upfront about herself and the issue, which I give her credit for. She said she was working on it, but I saw little effort towards this throughout our relationship. About a month ago, she got severely drunk with a friend and I out in public, and hit on another guy in front of me and was nearly falling down. She also told me that she is always drunk, and she has been lying to me about it since day 1. The next day, I broke up with her, urging her to get help. She went to rehab, out of state for a month. I didn't hear from her for weeks. I did find myself missing her some while she was gone, but I casually was dating someone else for a couple weeks (didn't go anywhere) so that helped not think of her. She reached out to me when she got back, and expressed an interest in seeing me. I wanted to see her too, so we did. She was almost a completely different person. This makes sense, as the girl I knew had been drunk everyday since I'd met her, and according to her, for the last 9 years. The sober her was hard for me to even relate to at first. After we met, I didn't hear from her, which was extremely unusual given her past behavior. I gave her a call, and wanted to discuss us. She really laid into me, picking on what I think are the most trivial items. For instance, she indicated I gave her a hard time about slamming doors, or asking her not to share straws (I am a bit of germo which I said from day 1), and that these items are unacceptable....she referenced them as conditions I made. Ever since I met her, she's given me a hard time about many things, in a joking nature. I mirrored that behavior, I certainly meant no offense which I told her. She was sharp as a knife with some of her assertions. She really cut right to my heart. Just a mean spirited tone. Then, she stopped making sense. Her mood changed, she sounded happy, started talking sweetly, told me she loves me. She was repeating questions she asked only moments before. My guess? She was drinking. I didn't have the heart to ask if she was. That was last night, I haven't heard a word from her today. I'm thinking I just have to let things go. It's likely she doesn't even remember most of us talking last night. Perhaps her feelings for me are gone. Perhaps the time in rehab (which she indicated she was only going to save our relationship, even despite my pleas that she only do it for herself alone) and her new found sober life, really do make her a different person, one who doesn't love me. She loved me greatly before, or at least she showed it, and said it. Things have changed. I think the only thing I can do hear is give her space, see if she comes to me. Even if she does, how does one know when to walk away? How do I trust a liar? How do I stay with someone who literally ridiculed everything I've done down to the smallest detail? I don't have the answers. I'm wondering if someone out there has any thoughts. When do you ask yourself if you're the problem? I'm 31 and single. I find it harder and harder to meet singles, and mostly have to rely on online dating sites. Those are a maze to say the least. I wonder if I really still want her, or if I just don't want to go back out there. It's damn cold out there. I guess my main question is how do you evaluate yourself? How do you figure out where you are coming up short? Or, is this just the way it is? Maybe I'm not in as bad of a spot as I think? At the very least, I care about this girl a lot. To hear her tell me I'm pretty much undatable because of many specific issues, really hurt. But the issues she raised...I just can't see how they are issues. I mean yeah, I told jokes that seemed harmless. She reacted not one bit to any of them. These were very impersonal. Maybe it's fair, I did break up with her. I just can't handle the lies though. Thanks to anyone who managed to make it through this, and offers and opinions or advice.
Phoenician Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 the most important thing now is that you need to look at yourself and identify a possible positive change in you , not for her , not for anybody ; but for yourself . taking some examples here , slamming doors is a bad habbit and it is equal to shouting ; some people could handle it and so ami i ; can't blame you when u are not fine with it . but if you are planning to go into LTR , then things like sharing straws should be changed ; for example such behavior will give impression that you don't give Oral for example ; at the end these are your choices but ; if you want deep relationships , things shall be changed ...
Author mjkcal Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 the most important thing now is that you need to look at yourself and identify a possible positive change in you , not for her , not for anybody ; but for yourself . taking some examples here , slamming doors is a bad habbit and it is equal to shouting ; some people could handle it and so ami i ; can't blame you when u are not fine with it . but if you are planning to go into LTR , then things like sharing straws should be changed ; for example such behavior will give impression that you don't give Oral for example ; at the end these are your choices but ; if you want deep relationships , things shall be changed ... Thanks for the thoughts. Let me clarify on the sharing straws...I don't have a problem sharing straws with my partner...heck we are a couple. I meant I really didn't want her sharing straws with OTHER people. I just don't think it's smart. How do you approach it when you look to make changes in yourself? How do you identify them?
minime13 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 My advice for you is to look for a local Al-Anon group for friends, family, and loved ones. Dating an alcoholic will put you through the wringer, and it will make you adapt behavior that is otherwise unacceptable in other relationships. You do it for survival, though, so don't feel bad about those things. Those groups are specifically designed to help you manage the alcoholic in your life, or how to manage parting with an alcoholic in your life. The issues you have and the habits you pick up or revert to in an alcoholic relationship are much more different than a regular one, and you sometimes need just as much help as the alcoholic, in the aftermath - but for different reasons. Best of luck. 1
joseb Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 A couple of things to think about. Why did you decide to date her when she told you she was an alcoholic? I mean, in some ways it's good that you were willing to give her a chance, but it kind of sounds like either you have 'fixing' tendencies - aka white knight syndrome - or you have a very low opinion of yourself and don't think you deserve better. When she went to rehab, you were back dating in no time. Are you not comfortable being alone for any period of time? If not, then you will continue to make bad relationship choices. I can't tell from the examples if you behaviour re-doors, straws, etc is really an issue, or if she is just seeing you differently sober and isn't that keen and finding faults. Are there other examples from other relationships?
Yookie Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Dude you can't save her. Don't try to play captain save-a-lush! Unless you have professional training, it's a lost cause. Only SHE can fix her problem and ONLY IF SHE really wants to. If you go to the Al-anon meetings they will basically tell you the same thing. You don't want to be an enabler.
minime13 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Dude you can't save her. Don't try to play captain save-a-lush! Unless you have professional training, it's a lost cause. Only SHE can fix her problem and ONLY IF SHE really wants to. If you go to the Al-anon meetings they will basically tell you the same thing. You don't want to be an enabler. Yes. What I meant by manage is not help them, but manage to keep yourself from getting drawn in too thick if you still choose to keep them in your life.
Toodaloo Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 You need to walk away from this one. She will always struggle. I lived with a lovely guy who was an alchy. Such a shame as when I finished it he got clean and sorted himself out... for all of 3 months then started drinking again... Take her completely out of the equation. Give your self time so that you can evaluate you as an individual and not as a person in a toxic relationship. Then make your choices. Its not the end of the world. And yes it can be cold as a single out there but it can also be liberating!
elaine567 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 My advice for you is to look for a local Al-Anon group for friends, family, and loved ones. . I agree. OP, even if you decide to part, I think attending a few meetings may be helpful for you to get her out of your system and understand her perspective and help you cope. Take all the help you can get, dealing with an alcoholic is not easy.
Author mjkcal Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 A couple of things to think about. Why did you decide to date her when she told you she was an alcoholic? I mean, in some ways it's good that you were willing to give her a chance, but it kind of sounds like either you have 'fixing' tendencies - aka white knight syndrome - or you have a very low opinion of yourself and don't think you deserve better. When she went to rehab, you were back dating in no time. Are you not comfortable being alone for any period of time? If not, then you will continue to make bad relationship choices. I can't tell from the examples if you behaviour re-doors, straws, etc is really an issue, or if she is just seeing you differently sober and isn't that keen and finding faults. Are there other examples from other relationships? I decided to date her because I had a good time with her, so thought I'd see where things went. I hadn't dated an alcoholic, so I underestimated how big of a deal that can be. I'm not trying to fix her--I've learned people can only save themselves over the years. I'm not the white knight type. I think we all have to own our own mistakes and faults and try and do the best we can to do better. As far as deserving goes...I mean I think I deserve as much as the next guy, and hopefully just to be happy. I think everyone more or less deserves that, though. You may be on to something with the second comment. Yeah I was back dating her again right away, but it's not a fear of being alone really, I've done that quite a bit before, just not in the last few years. These days, I'm just far more aggressive pursuing women, so there is usually someone to date, and I like dating in general, so I keep doing it. To tell you the truth I can't think of anything from other relationships at all that even are in the same realm as that. No one has ever listed off trivial (in my view) items like that. Everyone has that type of stuff that's a bit quirky and bothers them I think. I really don't have a lot of bad breakups to note. Most of the time it was just that it didn't work anymore. Part of being young and learning about yourself, I thought. I think my fear...and the problem I need to shake is learning how to long term date again. This 6 month stint is my longest in probably 6 years. Outside of that, it's always been casual or short term dating. I feel like perhaps I'm putting something out there that says short term guy. The funny thing is in my early 20s I was a long term dater, by 24 I had only LTRs all of over a year, a couple at 2 years. I dated a girl that after we dated, she got into drugs and ended up committing suicide. Ever since, I've been doing this short term stuff, which isn't fulfilling for me. So, I'm just trying to look at what I can do to identify what it is that could be screwing me up.
Author mjkcal Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 You need to walk away from this one. She will always struggle. I lived with a lovely guy who was an alchy. Such a shame as when I finished it he got clean and sorted himself out... for all of 3 months then started drinking again... Take her completely out of the equation. Give your self time so that you can evaluate you as an individual and not as a person in a toxic relationship. Then make your choices. Its not the end of the world. And yes it can be cold as a single out there but it can also be liberating! Thanks. This is where I'm leaning. I just don't see anyway this can work. When I spoke to her the other day, it's honestly like she's just completely irrational, even when sober. I guess maybe that's part of trying to transition to being drunk for a solid decade. This morning, that just seems more and more clear. I know I have my faults, believe me. But for her to bring up the straw sharing, me joking about her slamming doors, etc. and act like it makes me a terrible person for doing so, is ridiculous. I'm sorry, there is just no other argument to me. I take jokes from everyone around me constantly, from head to toe, including her. I get some are more sensitive than others...but this stuff...doesn't add up. I think it's more likely she was just angry with me in general for whatever reason, and was latching onto anything and everything to throw at me. How do you go about evaluating yourself? I really don't know where to get started on that. Thanks for the AA suggestions.
Redhead14 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Good evening. First post, I guess I'm in a bit of a mess. I'm 31 years old, and have been dating an alcoholic. This has been for about 6 months. She was honest and upfront about herself and the issue, which I give her credit for. She said she was working on it, but I saw little effort towards this throughout our relationship. About a month ago, she got severely drunk with a friend and I out in public, and hit on another guy in front of me and was nearly falling down. She also told me that she is always drunk, and she has been lying to me about it since day 1. The next day, I broke up with her, urging her to get help. She went to rehab, out of state for a month. I didn't hear from her for weeks. I did find myself missing her some while she was gone, but I casually was dating someone else for a couple weeks (didn't go anywhere) so that helped not think of her. She reached out to me when she got back, and expressed an interest in seeing me. I wanted to see her too, so we did. She was almost a completely different person. This makes sense, as the girl I knew had been drunk everyday since I'd met her, and according to her, for the last 9 years. The sober her was hard for me to even relate to at first. After we met, I didn't hear from her, which was extremely unusual given her past behavior. I gave her a call, and wanted to discuss us. She really laid into me, picking on what I think are the most trivial items. For instance, she indicated I gave her a hard time about slamming doors, or asking her not to share straws (I am a bit of germo which I said from day 1), and that these items are unacceptable....she referenced them as conditions I made. Ever since I met her, she's given me a hard time about many things, in a joking nature. I mirrored that behavior, I certainly meant no offense which I told her. She was sharp as a knife with some of her assertions. She really cut right to my heart. Just a mean spirited tone. Then, she stopped making sense. Her mood changed, she sounded happy, started talking sweetly, told me she loves me. She was repeating questions she asked only moments before. My guess? She was drinking. I didn't have the heart to ask if she was. That was last night, I haven't heard a word from her today. I'm thinking I just have to let things go. It's likely she doesn't even remember most of us talking last night. Perhaps her feelings for me are gone. Perhaps the time in rehab (which she indicated she was only going to save our relationship, even despite my pleas that she only do it for herself alone) and her new found sober life, really do make her a different person, one who doesn't love me. She loved me greatly before, or at least she showed it, and said it. Things have changed. I think the only thing I can do hear is give her space, see if she comes to me. Even if she does, how does one know when to walk away? How do I trust a liar? How do I stay with someone who literally ridiculed everything I've done down to the smallest detail? I don't have the answers. I'm wondering if someone out there has any thoughts. When do you ask yourself if you're the problem? I'm 31 and single. I find it harder and harder to meet singles, and mostly have to rely on online dating sites. Those are a maze to say the least. I wonder if I really still want her, or if I just don't want to go back out there. It's damn cold out there. I guess my main question is how do you evaluate yourself? How do you figure out where you are coming up short? Or, is this just the way it is? Maybe I'm not in as bad of a spot as I think? At the very least, I care about this girl a lot. To hear her tell me I'm pretty much undatable because of many specific issues, really hurt. But the issues she raised...I just can't see how they are issues. I mean yeah, I told jokes that seemed harmless. She reacted not one bit to any of them. These were very impersonal. Maybe it's fair, I did break up with her. I just can't handle the lies though. Thanks to anyone who managed to make it through this, and offers and opinions or advice. The alcoholism was masking the real issues she has. She self medicated to push aside underlying problems. Alcoholism is not often the root problem, it is covering up something else that existed before the drinking started. Slamming doors, etc. indicates an anger management problem. Until she gets to that source, she will not be a suitable partner. What she's doing is shifting and deflecting on to you. It's denial. You're be better off without her.
Author mjkcal Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 The alcoholism was masking the real issues she has. She self medicated to push aside underlying problems. Alcoholism is not often the root problem, it is covering up something else that existed before the drinking started. Slamming doors, etc. indicates an anger management problem. Until she gets to that source, she will not be a suitable partner. What she's doing is shifting and deflecting on to you. It's denial. You're be better off without her. Yeah, something that has always concerned me is that she is on a slew of meds. Like antidepressants, sleeping pills, etc. I get that depression is a real condition, I'm not trying to minimize it. But, her attitude seems to be "I have a problem, I'll take a drug." I think the shifting and deflecting you mention is right. I feel much stronger today about this. The nitpicking--slamming car doors, caring about sharing straws...I don't think she gives a damn about those things. I think she's mad about a slew of other issues that are deep. I'm an easy target, heck she supposedly went to rehab for me. I think she was just chopping at me any way she could think of. All that being said, being 31 and single and tired of the short term scene, do you have any thoughts on how one evaluates them self to see where they can improve to be a more suitable long term partner?
Redhead14 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Yeah, something that has always concerned me is that she is on a slew of meds. Like antidepressants, sleeping pills, etc. I get that depression is a real condition, I'm not trying to minimize it. But, her attitude seems to be "I have a problem, I'll take a drug." I think the shifting and deflecting you mention is right. I feel much stronger today about this. The nitpicking--slamming car doors, caring about sharing straws...I don't think she gives a damn about those things. I think she's mad about a slew of other issues that are deep. I'm an easy target, heck she supposedly went to rehab for me. I think she was just chopping at me any way she could think of. All that being said, being 31 and single and tired of the short term scene, do you have any thoughts on how one evaluates them self to see where they can improve to be a more suitable long term partner? All that being said, being 31 and single and tired of the short term scene, do you have any thoughts on how one evaluates them self to see where they can improve to be a more suitable long term partner? -- Well, what are the things that you feel don't make you a suitable long-term partner at the moment? Really, in the end, it's about what makes you a suitable long-term partner for whomever you're seeing at the time. You can have everything in place, and the other person still doesn't feel you're suitable for them.
Author mjkcal Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 All that being said, being 31 and single and tired of the short term scene, do you have any thoughts on how one evaluates them self to see where they can improve to be a more suitable long term partner? -- Well, what are the things that you feel don't make you a suitable long-term partner at the moment? Really, in the end, it's about what makes you a suitable long-term partner for whomever you're seeing at the time. You can have everything in place, and the other person still doesn't feel you're suitable for them. Fair enough, I guess the point for me is I really don't know what doesn't make me a suitable long term partner. I'm just trying to figure that out. But, maybe the answer is I just haven't met that person yet given I haven't and won't settle for something less than happiness. I know I have my faults, but I just keep trying to work on being a better person. Outside, of that, I don't know what to do. I was just curious if anyone had any particular ways they have looked at themselves in the past that may be helpful.
Redhead14 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Fair enough, I guess the point for me is I really don't know what doesn't make me a suitable long term partner. I'm just trying to figure that out. But, maybe the answer is I just haven't met that person yet given I haven't and won't settle for something less than happiness. I know I have my faults, but I just keep trying to work on being a better person. Outside, of that, I don't know what to do. I was just curious if anyone had any particular ways they have looked at themselves in the past that may be helpful. The basics for being a suitable long-term partner, is being emotionally mature, having sound morals, a good education/head on your shoulders, a job, a car, a good social life and circle of friends and a positive outlook on life. I know I have my faults, but I just keep trying to work on being a better person. Outside, of that, I don't know what to do. -- That's all you can do really. But instead of focusing on the negatives, highlight your strengths. Bring your best self forward while addressing the faults.
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