be friends with a guy who hit it and quit it?

June 6, 2015

Yes, I understand. That's why you need to give enough space before intimacy in order for them to be able to demonstrate their sincerity. You can't and they can't even be sure that they will want that with you after only one or two dates. He may want that with someone, they just don't know that quickly at least. When a man or a woman says they want and are looking for a relationship, that may very well be true, but they can't say it will be with that person at the point. You find out if you're on the same page and wait for them to demonstrate it to you by words and actions for a little while at least until it's really clear.

Like I said earlier, of course you can have sex with someone if you want, but even if they say that they want the same thing as you, you just have sex, enjoy it for the moment and don't place any expectations on it. You wait to see what they do after that. If they continue to see you and keep
good contact, then you have a better idea of what they really want and whether it will/could be with you. In the situation you just went through the messages were mixed and inconsistent so it's hard to untangle now. And, you're left feeling mad or disappointed, what have you.

You can be friends with this guy if you want to, but don't do it because you think he will change his mind or something. He might, but don't count on it. If you decide to be friends, don't have sex again unless he gets really focused on you or unless you want to just be FWB with him. That may be an option as well. But manage your emotions and expectations especially if you have sex with a guy early. Doing that for yourself, will save you from carrying over anxiety, hurt, distrustfulness/bitterness into new dating scenarios.

^^Best post on this thread....IMO.

June 6, 2015

@OP....after reading your post, it seems to me that the "insanely handsome" looks played a significant role here, hence the reason you slept with this guy on date number two...am guessing? May I ask how long you guys communicated before you decided to meet, and was there a meet n greet or did you just jump to the first date?

We actually communicated for a week or two before the first meeting, and a lot before the second meeting. I usually try to meet a guy right away to determine if there is any chemistry. Though his good looks made it harder to keep it in my pants when the opportunity arose, it was a plethora of things that made me sleep with him. I don't sleep with a guy just because he's handsome. Hell, it had been a while for me. I felt a connection and believed he was a nice guy. I also felt an intense attraction. It's rough being a woman with a high sex drive. We're expected to be the ones to put on the brakes but it can be just as hard for us.

The meet and greet was the first date...it was very casual though.

June 6, 2015

I am also a woman and I am not slut shaming you one bit! because well, I am probably the sluttiest member on here at this time. I am trying to make you see that:

1. You proclaim you can live in the moment. If you really did than this morning you would have gotten up and think <oh well it didn't turn out the way I would have liked to> and moved on without looking for a guilty.

2. You need to understand men better. They don't think like us, don't feel like us, and interpret words differently.

3. Taking a risk or giving someone the benefit of the doubt means you have to expect disappointment. You gave him the benefit of the doubt but you are unwilling to accept the disappointing end.

4. You're disappointed, we get that, it happened to me I don't know how many times, but it's no one's fault. Attraction is very complicated, it can intensify or die in a moment and you have no control over it.

1. I don't know where everyone is getting that I "live in the moment." Never said that. Also, I am disappointed it didn't work out but I'm not looking for a guilty party. If you actually read what I'm asking, I'm on here to find out if this guy was playing me and if I should be friends with him. If he was being sincere, I could still be friends with him. If he was playing me, I should just avoid him. That's all I'm asking because I really liked this guy as a person.

2. For heaven's sake, they're not aliens. I hate generalizing. I understand men quite well, but now and then I get one that throws me for a loop.

3. I'm not asking about whether I should be disappointed or not. I'm not even looking for sympathy. Just asking for insight so I can better move forward.

4. Girl, we are cut from the same cloth. I understand what you're saying.

June 6, 2015

SC, I understand the sexuality angle perfectly and you'll get no judgment from me on that.

My take is you probably were played to some degree, yeah. I particularly don't like that he pushed you to have a drink when you're not drinking (I'm assuming for a good reason?), and also the text finish was lame and tacky. (What he said was ok, doing it by text wasn't.)

I do have a suggestion for what to do if I may, aside from just nexting him. Was the sex good? If so, you could hook up with him once more, but this time on your terms. Use him for a good romp in the hay, then pass on the cuddles and sleeping over and tell him maybe you'll call him sometime when you leave. I don't think this guy was the devil, but that will show him what it feels like to be used for sex, bc he bscly did do that to do to some degree, whether he really meant to or not. He probably won't be too troubled by it, but it will moreso put you in the driver's seat. Part of your frustration right now I think is that the way it all went down left him firmly in the driver's seat and you asking a lot of questions and wondering even more. That's never a good feeling, but you can reclaim some sovereignty by subjugated him back.

I don't even suggest all that to be mean or spiteful ....but it's a 'game' nonetheless that we all have to play and our self esteem gets wrapped up in it whether we want it to or not.

June 6, 2015

1. I don't know where everyone is getting that I "live in the moment." Never said that.

Haha, welcome to Love Shack, OP. It's very easy for fellow posters to pick up the ball and run in the opposite direction. Just remember that they're usually well-meaning.

June 6, 2015

SC, I understand the sexuality angle perfectly and you'll get no judgment from me on that.

My take is you probably were played to some degree, yeah. I particularly don't like that he pushed you to have a drink when you're not drinking (I'm assuming for a good reason?), and also the text finish was lame and tacky. (What he said was ok, doing it by text wasn't.)

I do have a suggestion for what to do if I may, aside from just nexting him. Was the sex good? If so, you could hook up with him once more, but this time on your terms. Use him for a good romp in the hay, then pass on the cuddles and sleeping over and tell him maybe you'll call him sometime when you leave. I don't think this guy was the devil, but that will show him what it feels like to be used for sex, bc he bscly did do that to do to some degree, whether he really meant to or not. He probably won't be too troubled by it, but it will moreso put you in the driver's seat. Part of your frustration right now I think is that the way it all went down left him firmly in the driver's seat and you asking a lot of questions and wondering even more. That's never a good feeling, but you can reclaim some sovereignty by subjugated him back.

I don't even suggest all that to be mean or spiteful ....but it's a 'game' nonetheless that we all have to play and our self esteem gets wrapped up in it whether we want it to or not.

Honestly, the sex wasn't that great. It was pretty awkward and unsatisfying. Didn't even get mine if you know what I'm saying. But I do believe in practice makes perfect.

June 6, 2015

Haha, well if as 'friends' he wants to explore more sex with you, you could always tell him you "mainly just want to be friends because I really wasn't feeling it."

June 6, 2015

Yeah, OP have you given any more thought as to what you're going to do?

June 6, 2015

Sorry, but it sounds like he played you for whatever reason.

Friends? No thank you.

Edited June 6, 2015 by SillyofMe

June 6, 2015

SC, I understand the sexuality angle perfectly and you'll get no judgment from me on that.

My take is you probably were played to some degree, yeah. I particularly don't like that he pushed you to have a drink when you're not drinking (I'm assuming for a good reason?), and also the text finish was lame and tacky. (What he said was ok, doing it by text wasn't.)

I do have a suggestion for what to do if I may, aside from just nexting him. Was the sex good? If so, you could hook up with him once more, but this time on your terms. Use him for a good romp in the hay, then pass on the cuddles and sleeping over and tell him maybe you'll call him sometime when you leave. I don't think this guy was the devil, but that will show him what it feels like to be used for sex, bc he bscly did do that to do to some degree, whether he really meant to or not. He probably won't be too troubled by it, but it will moreso put you in the driver's seat. Part of your frustration right now I think is that the way it all went down left him firmly in the driver's seat and you asking a lot of questions and wondering even more. That's never a good feeling, but you can reclaim some sovereignty by subjugated him back.

I don't even suggest all that to be mean or spiteful ....but it's a 'game' nonetheless that we all have to play and our self esteem gets wrapped up in it whether we want it to or not.

Your advice sounds okay jen..assuming of course he is interested in having sex with her again.

My guess is..if he was....he would not have sent the long heartfelt text. He would have said nothing....and continued wanting to *hook up* with her.....albeit occasionally.

That is why I personally think he is a good guy seeking a *connection*. And after the sex, hell perhaps even during, he just wasn't feeling it...and sent the text to alleviate his guilt...precisely because he is a good guy! And realized he led her on by having sex with her.

But SW, to be honest, it does not sound like you felt a strong romantic connection either...otherwise, do you really think you could be "just friends" with him? Assuming you are going in that direction of course.

Edited June 7, 2015 by katiegrl

June 7, 2015

Honestly, the sex wasn't that great. It was pretty awkward and unsatisfying. Didn't even get mine if you know what I'm saying. But I do believe in practice makes perfect.

Well, if it wasn't great for you, maybe it wasn't great for him either.

Maybe that's why, consciously or not, he decided that he didn't see a future in it. Sometimes two people just don't click sexually.

Is there a reason you would like to stay friends with him?

Like a lot of shared interests, etc.

June 7, 2015

*Well, if it wasn't great for you, maybe it wasn't great for him either.**

Maybe that's why, consciously or not, he decided that he didn't see a future in it.
.

^^I think this is the most likely conclusion....

I mean considering he ended it immediately after the sex...kind of obvious IMO anyway.

I would just next him SW...but your call of course.

PS -- not all guys are the dogs/players some women make them out to be. Many are, but not all. There are also many men who are looking for a deeper connection...hoping sex will get them there...only to realize (after the sex unfortunately) it's not there.

Doesn't make them players or bad people. Although I realize it is easier to believe that rather than deal with the fact they just weren't feeling it.

Edited June 7, 2015 by katiegrl

June 7, 2015

let me just say that I shouldn't have to be the one to hold off on the sex. I am just as capable of getting caught up in the moment as a guy is and hate the double standard. I've also heard that most guys know exactly what they will do about a girl before they sleep with her.

This is where I took it, I didn't fabricate anything.

June 7, 2015

don't give into sex too soon! second date, third date or whatever... it seems to be that as soon as you give into it, all "interest" sort of goes out the window. I think you know the answer to this, to be friends with a man who had sex with you but does not want a relationship with you seems like a hopeless friendship to me. Say you know what you're looking for, and say that you'll get it in time, but a friendship with him is possibly not in your best interests. Wish him all the best and leave it at that.

June 7, 2015

don't give into sex too soon! second date, third date or whatever... it seems to be that as soon as you give into it, all "interest" sort of goes out the window. I think you know the answer to this, to be friends with a man who had sex with you but does not want a relationship with you seems like a hopeless friendship to me. Say you know what you're looking for, and say that you'll get it in time, but a friendship with him is possibly not in your best interests. Wish him all the best and leave it at that.

"Give in" to sex? You make it sound like a trade off...I will give you sex if you give me a relationship.

Wrong attitude. Have sex if you want because you enjoy sex! Same as why a man has sex. That is why there is so much slut shaming going on IMO. Women are made to feel they're slutty if they simply enjoy sex....for the sex! Total double standard.

No expectations....because anything can happen. Feelings can change, etc.

My bf and I had sex the first night we met! I had no expectation that it would go anywhere and guess what....it did! And five years later we are still together....living together and happy.

Had I had expectations that we *should* have a relationship now that we had sex, or even the expectation that he would want to see me again.... Not sure if he would have stuck around.

I dunno he was crazy about me so he probably would have cause he pursued me like crazy afterwards....I am just saying that if you enjoy sex and want to have sex, just have sex and if it leads to a relationship and that is what you want....awesome!

But if not, that is okay too. We are all sexual creatures...men and women.

That said, if you are the type of person who gets too attached after sex or you can't enjoy sex without the expectation of a relationship.... then wait to have sex.

But sex should not be used as a trade off...IMO anyway.

Edited June 7, 2015 by katiegrl

June 7, 2015

"Give in" to sex? You make it sound like a trade off...I will give you sex if you give me a relationship.

Wrong attitude. Have sex if you want because you enjoy sex! Same as why a man has sex. That is why there is so much slut shaming going on IMO. Women are made to feel they're slutty if they simply enjoy sex....for the sex! Total double standard.

No expectations....because anything can happen. Feelings can change, etc.

My bf and I had sex the first night we met! I had no expectation that it would go anywhere and guess what....it did! And five years later we are still together....living together and happy.

Had I had expectations that we *should* have a relationship now that we had sex, or even the expectation that he would want to see me again.... ot sure if he would have stuck around.

I dunno he was crazy about me so he probably would have cause he pursued me like crazy afterwards....I am just saying that if you enjoy sex and want to have sex, just have sex and if it leads to a relationship and that is what you want....awesome!

But if not, that is okay too. We are all sexual creatures...men and women.

That said, if you are the type of person who gets too attached after sex or you can't enjoy sex without the expectation of a relationship.... then wait to have sex.

But sex should not be used as a trade off...IMO anyway.

In my experience, as soon as i give the sex without waiting a few months, the interest tappers off from his end. It was obvious what he was after. I've been burnt from having sex immediately. So that's why I have the opinions I have. It's not to say I don't enjoy sex! I love it! but I wouldn't want to have it immediately, I don't want what happened in the past to happen again.

June 7, 2015

In my experience, as soon as i give the sex without waiting a few months, the interest tappers off from his end. It was obvious what he was after. I've been burnt from having sex immediately. So that's why I have the opinions I have. It's not to say I don't enjoy sex! I love it! but I wouldn't want to have it immediately, I don't want what happened in the past to happen again.

Fair enough....and sorry to hear of your negative experiences...

My experience has been more positive....which is most likely why I have the opinion I do.

We are all victims of our past I guess....hard not to be.

I hope going forward, your experiences are more positive. ((hugs))

June 7, 2015

This is where I took it, I didn't fabricate anything.

You're really reaching here. That was not me saying I live in the moment. That was me tactfully saying I'm just as capable of being too horny to think straight when I'm in a sexy situation. I don't go around yolo-ing everywhere without thinking of the consequences.

June 7, 2015

In my experience, as soon as i give the sex without waiting a few months, the interest tappers off from his end. It was obvious what he was after. I've been burnt from having sex immediately. So that's why I have the opinions I have. It's not to say I don't enjoy sex! I love it! but I wouldn't want to have it immediately, I don't want what happened in the past to happen again.

That's why it's important to understand what type of women we are, and OP needs to understand what type of woman she is and to respect who she is. If she cannot have sex on a 2nd date without feeling used than she should not. I had sex on a first date once and it turned in a 4 year relationship. It was not even a date it was a hook-up. But I also had plenty of sex on 2nd and 3rd date and it never went beyond that but I never felt used, I had the sex because I wanted to.

June 7, 2015

You're really reaching here. That was not me saying I live in the moment. That was me tactfully saying I'm just as capable of being too horny to think straight when I'm in a sexy situation. I don't go around yolo-ing everywhere without thinking of the consequences.

I understand being caught in the moment, I have been caught in many moments :-) but I've learn know myself, if I have sex with someone very early on and he poofs after I am ready to accept it and this no matter what he told me before.

I think you should use this as a learning experience. I say often on here I don't believe one word coming out of a man's mouth before exclusivity. It's my way of watching my back because no one else will. I have heard all kinds of things from men dating me and they still disappeared or disappointed me in some way. So now I know. If I open myself to a man, if I allow myself to be vulnerable, it's on me.

June 7, 2015

Honestly, the sex wasn't that great. It was pretty awkward and unsatisfying. Didn't even get mine if you know what I'm saying. But I do believe in practice makes perfect.

Basically, you talked with this guy for a couple weeks, conversation flowed easily enough, you had a meet and greet date, which went well. He was handsome and you were attracted to him, hence date #2.

You said it had been a while and you were horny. Understandable!! With clothes shucked off, you told him you didn't want a ONS, and he reiterated the sentiment and offered to wait. Bottom line, you have a high sex drive, it had been awhile and when a girl needs it, she needs it. There he stood, a naked guy you were attracted to with a condom in hand. There is no way you were gonna turn down a good romp.

By your own admission, the sex wasn't great, it was awkward and unsatisfying. It's nobody's "fault," you just didn't click, sexually. He felt it, you felt, and rather than pretend, he told you straight up that he was sorry but didn't see this as a workable/doable thing. You hold the belief practice makes perfect, and he probably believes sexual chemistry exists or it doesn't and no amount of practice is going to make it develop.

As for the friendship, I think he was being nice because he felt bad knowing you wanted more than a ONS and that is essentially where you stand now. He doesn't want a repeat performance of awkward sex and doesn't want you to feel used so he extended an olive branch.

I don't think either of you are REALLY interested in a friendship, you are both trying to save face. Let it go.

June 7, 2015

In my experience, as soon as i give the sex without waiting a few months, the interest tappers off from his end. It was obvious what he was after. I've been burnt from having sex immediately. So that's why I have the opinions I have. It's not to say I don't enjoy sex! I love it! but I wouldn't want to have it immediately, I don't want what happened in the past to happen again.

I have only had positive experiences with having sex early (within first few weeks) where guy's interest increased. I don't enjoy sex without an emotional connection though so that's the reason I wait.

June 7, 2015

I understand being caught in the moment, I have been caught in many moments :-) but I've learn know myself, if I have sex with someone very early on and he poofs after I am ready to accept it and this no matter what he told me before.

I think you should use this as a learning experience. I say often on here I don't believe one word coming out of a man's mouth before exclusivity. It's my way of watching my back because no one else will. I have heard all kinds of things from men dating me and they still disappeared or disappointed me in some way. So now I know. If I open myself to a man, if I allow myself to be vulnerable, it's on me.

I'm going to answer what you wrote above. It's not that I felt used, per se. More like deceived. I'm the kind of woman that believes in honest communication. Mean what you say, say what you mean and all that.

That being said, you are right about not believing anything a person says until they commit. I've known this all along but I don't agree with it. I believe it should be enough to communicate intent. I keep hoping I can change the world but I guess I just have to change myself.

June 7, 2015

By your own admission, the sex wasn't great, it was awkward and unsatisfying. It's nobody's "fault," you just didn't click, sexually. He felt it, you felt, and rather than pretend, he told you straight up that he was sorry but didn't see this as a workable/doable thing. You hold the belief practice makes perfect, and he probably believes sexual chemistry exists or it doesn't and no amount of practice is going to make it develop.

As for the friendship, I think he was being nice because he felt bad knowing you wanted more than a ONS and that is essentially where you stand now. He doesn't want a repeat performance of awkward sex and doesn't want you to feel used so he extended an olive branch.

I don't think either of you are REALLY interested in a friendship, you are both trying to save face. Let it go.

Idk, he is still a pretty cool person. The sex was pretty bad though.

June 8, 2015

Idk, he is still a pretty cool person. The sex was pretty bad though.

All of us could have been saved 6 pages of useless advice if you had gotten to the meat of it to begin with. The sex was bad. End of story. You can fix okay sex but not bad. Why are you even worried about anything?

No, with the new info, he is not a player. He just realized some things can't be fixed. Move on. Be his friend if you want to, but next time you sek advice, just give all the details to begin with.

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