be friends with a guy who hit it and quit it?

[Redhead14]

You don't know the first thing about me or what I do with guys who"treat me with respect." Where are you getting this from?

 

The first thing we learned about you here is that you have sex with men you don't know well enough yet and then reserve the right to have sex with anyone you want, anytime you want and then accept no accountability when it doesn't work out the way you want it.

[J21]

I understand you like him, but he told you pretty clearly that he wasn't interested in anything further.

 

Unless you have a switch you can just turn on/off--Being friends with someone you are attracted to and (having slept with before) is something pretty cruel to do to yourself.

 

Get dragged along or let go.

 

I'd choose the latter.

[katiegrl]

This is completely off base and sexist. It's this kind of thinking that cheapens and commodifies sex. Heaven forbid a woman is comfortable with her sexuality and had sex with someone she likes. My mistake was not having sex with him but not taking the time to get to know him a little better first. I was caught up in the moment and felt an honest connection. Sex is supposed to be a two way thing. He wasn't random. He lied to my face and that is not my fault. It's not even what I'm asking. I'm asking if I should even bother with a friendship.

 

 

SC, I don't think he "lied," per se....he simply changed his mind. It happens.

 

 

And by the way, my bf and I had sex with each other the first night we met, and we are still together (five years).

 

 

So there was absolutely nothing wrong or bad about choosing to have sex with him early on. Had there been a mutual connection afterwards, you would still be dating...and don't allow anyone to convince you otherwise.

[Gary S]

I just say wait as long as you can for sex. Some wait as long as marriage.

[Gaeta]

Sex or not, no matter what words were spoken, no matter what promises were made, most courtships do not make it to the 3rd date. Always keep that in mind. It's no one's fault.

[Gary S]

Gaeta is on a roll today. You go girl

[Redhead14]

Sex or not, no matter what words were spoken, no matter what promises were made, most courtships do not make it to the 3rd date. Always keep that in mind. It's no one's fault.

 

Yep, really, that's case here. But she put the blame on him instead of taking shared responsibility.

 

This is the kind of thing that makes me angry. It's these kinds of things that make people nuts. There is this dance of anger, skepticism, doubt, etc. in the dating world between men and women because they can't get clear about how to go about allowing the best opportunity for getting into a good dating scenario that has potential for a real relationship if that's what they want.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta is on a roll today. You go girl

 

Thanks Gary! at least those 100 dates taught me something lol

[O'Malley]

I'd wish him well and walk away with confidence.

 

You can get a thousand answers to his motives, but your best bet is to approach early on sex more pragmatically, it has little to nothing to do with romantic interest, chemistry or the like. It takes a lot more time and interaction than two dates to gauge someone's intentions, you shouldn't invest much into a near stranger's words.

 

Some people can easily have sex with someone where there isn't an emotional connection or romantic interest underpinning it, their partner is attractive enough to enjoy sex with and that's all. It's not always some machiavellian power play on the guy's part...you wanted to have sex with him and he was fine with that, probably wouldn't mind a repeat.

[fitnessfan365]

Agree with first paragraph but not the second.

 

I highly doubt he lost interest *because* she told him she was not just looking for a hookup (i.e. one night stand). Had he been really into her and felt a connection *after* the sex, he would have loved that she was not just looking for a hook up! And continued to ask her out and see what develops.

 

Has nothing to do with *commitment* or her wanting a commitment. We are talking dating here....as opposed to casual hook up (ONS).

 

SC......my spiney senses say that something about the sex turned him off....since he dumped you immediately after. It could be anything really, but my guess would be he just didn't feel a strong enough connection which is what he is looking for.

 

Had he intentionally played you, I don't think he would have sent that heartfelt text. He feels guilty about not feeling it with you afterwards...and he sent the text to alleviate some of that guilt.

 

Players don't feel guilt about such things. Behaving that way (pump and dump) is the norm for them. Not to mention, you were a willing participant... so there is hardly a reason for him to feel guilty anyway.

 

But this guy did which says something. That he did like you, but lost interest after the sex. It happens that way for women too!

 

That is my take anyway....

 

You'd actually be surprised how many women using OLD want a commitment after a few dates. A lot seem to have the mindset that OLD will help them land a "boyfriend". So they change their dating process going in. Instead of keeping things casual and fun letting things progress naturally, they try to rush the process. Even before you meet in person, they're blowing up your phone with a million texts, etc..

 

So we don't know what his experience with OLD has been like. If he's gone out with a lot of women who wanted something serious way too soon, he could have lumped the OP into that category with her "not looking for a hook up" comment. You're definitely a level headed realist when it comes to dating Katie, which I think is awesome. But you have to remember, that there are plenty of women out there who aren't. Especially when it comes to OLD. Just saying...

[joseb]

 

It's very unfair to get naked with a man and then say I don't want this to be a hookup. You do that before you get naked. That may come across to a guy that you are using sex as a tool of manipulation to ensure that he does keep seeing you.

 

Yip - I thought this as I was reading the OP.

If someone did that to me, it would be a bit of a red flag, and might scupper an otherwise potential relationship.

 

OP, regarding your question, no unless you want a FWB arrangement then don't be friends with this guy. Too complicated.

Edited June 5, 2015 by joseb

[SweetCharity]

Nope. Frankly, I don't know why he wants to be friends with you. You sent mixed messages, put him on the spot by getting naked with him and then telling him you don't want to have sex unless he knows right then and there if he wants to keep dating you. Meatloaf sang a song about being in the backseat of his car, "I gotta know right now, before we go any further . . . do ya love me, will ya love me forever . . . and now I'm waiting for the end of time .. .

 

He didn't lie to you, you lied to yourself by thinking that because you had sex with him, he's all in from that point on.

 

I told him on the first date, fully clothed, that I was looking for something more substantial than a one night stand. He said he was open to that. So that puts a wrench in your logic.

[SweetCharity]

Yep, really, that's case here. But she put the blame on him instead of taking shared responsibility.

 

This is the kind of thing that makes me angry. It's these kinds of things that make people nuts. There is this dance of anger, skepticism, doubt, etc. in the dating world between men and women because they can't get clear about how to go about allowing the best opportunity for getting into a good dating scenario that has potential for a real relationship if that's what they want.

 

I wasn't putting any blame on him. I still question his sincerity. That's why I'm asking.

[Gaeta]

I told him on the first date, fully clothed, that I was looking for something more substantial than a one night stand. He said he was open to that. So that puts a wrench in your logic.

 

Lesson #256 I have learn during my dating.

 

A man saying he is open to something substantial is not the same as a man saying he is looking for a relationship.

 

I am open to XYZ means I am not looking for XYZ but if it falls on my lap or hit me in the forehead so hard I can't resist then sure.

 

So lets recapitulate. He told you he was open to something with more substance. You both end up in bed, you are reminding him you don't want a hook-up, he offers you to hold it and put your clothes back on, you reply meh nah! I'm giving this a shot. Lets do this.

 

We just want you to acknowledge your role is this.

[Gary S]

He may have been sincere. One day he liked you, the next, not so much. That's life.

 

I'm sorry the guy pulled a Houdini on you. The rule you need to learn is this: Don't take them too seriously until at least 2 months of dating. Why? Because that's how long it takes to fall in love. Until then, you have no hook, and they have little or nothing to loose by flaking.

 

Stick this on your fridge, forehead, or boo-boo, and stop gettin' stuck.

[katiegrl]

You'd actually be surprised how many women using OLD want a commitment after a few dates. A lot seem to have the mindset that OLD will help them land a "boyfriend". So they change their dating process going in. Instead of keeping things casual and fun letting things progress naturally, they try to rush the process. Even before you meet in person, they're blowing up your phone with a million texts, etc..

 

So we don't know what his experience with OLD has been like. If he's gone out with a lot of women who wanted something serious way too soon, he could have lumped the OP into that category with her "not looking for a hook up" comment. You're definitely a level headed realist when it comes to dating Katie, which I think is awesome. But you have to remember, that there are plenty of women out there who aren't. Especially when it comes to OLD. Just saying...

 

 

I understand that and agree with you. What I don't get is how you equate Sweet Charity saying she is not looking for a hook up (a one night stand) to meaning she wants a commitment. That doesn't make sense to me.

 

 

There are a whole lot of "in betweens" in there....like how about she is looking to just date for awhile to see where it leads....if anywhere. As opposed to a casual one night stand.

 

 

That is all I meant.

Edited June 5, 2015 by katiegrl

[fred123]

people change their mind. girls do this all the time even before they get intimate with the guy. I'm sure OP has changed her mind about guys before.

 

also its naive to think that you are not looking for a hook up yet jump into bed with a guy so quick. contradiction there.

 

question: why did you jump into bed so quick? do you do that with all guys? if yes then maybe your problem lies there. if you don't then why don't you jump into bed quickly with every guy? lack of consistency then.

 

wow women make it so hard for us guys to understand. i wish i was a woman for day....

[SweetCharity]

Lesson #256 I have learn during my dating.

 

A man saying he is open to something substantial is not the same as a man saying he is looking for a relationship.

 

I am open to XYZ means I am not looking for XYZ but if it falls on my lap or hit me in the forehead so hard I can't resist then sure.

 

 

So lets recapitulate. He told you he was open to something with more substance. You both end up in bed, you are reminding him you don't want a hook-up, he offers you to hold it and put your clothes back on, you reply meh nah! I'm giving this a shot. Lets do this.

 

We just want you to acknowledge your role is this.

 

No what is happening here is I'm being slut shamed because I'm a Woman.

 

He didn't tell me to put my clothes back on. He told me we could wait while he had a condom in his hand. Then he said he's be disappointed if we stopped now. Yes, I admit I took a risk but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that at the very least this wouldn't be something that changed our dynamic. I wasn't trying to get him to be my bf right then and there. I just wanted some reassurance. Clearly I'm just supposed to never have sex with anyone ever or tell them my intentions.

[losangelena]

Yes, I admit I took a risk but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that at the very least this wouldn't be something that changed our dynamic. I wasn't trying to get him to be my bf right then and there. I just wanted some reassurance. Clearly I'm just supposed to never have sex with anyone ever or tell them my intentions.

 

OP, I get your frustration.

 

I think jumping into bed with someone is always a risk. You can feel completely assured going in, only to have to rug pulled out from under you later. When my BF and I had sex for the first time on date three, I have to say I was honestly surprised to hear from him again after that—I was not assured at all that he wasn't going to just disappear. That was the risk I took—but I took it with the full knowledge that I might NOT hear from him again.

 

As to whether or not he played you—it's hard to say. Again, people can do and say all manner of things, and they often contradict. I don't know if he was sincere; I would have taken it as a blow-off, but that's just me.

 

I think it's important for you to think about what YOU want out of this. Me, I'd have a hard time being "friends" with someone who either wanted to keep me around for possible future sex, or was limply extending the offer because they wanted to feel better about themselves for hurting/disappointing you. If you want to pursue a friendship with this guy—do so! In time, his true colors will show.

 

If you think he's a major choad, lose his number, simple as. I'm sure you're not so hurting for friendship that you need to cling on to him.

 

At the end of the day, why he did what he did is less important than how you want to proceed going forward.

[minime13]

No what is happening here is I'm being slut shamed because I'm a Woman.

 

He didn't tell me to put my clothes back on. He told me we could wait while he had a condom in his hand. Then he said he's be disappointed if we stopped now. Yes, I admit I took a risk but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that at the very least this wouldn't be something that changed our dynamic. I wasn't trying to get him to be my bf right then and there. I just wanted some reassurance. Clearly I'm just supposed to never have sex with anyone ever or tell them my intentions.

 

I do agree that you're being slut-shamed a little on this thread, and the double-standard is straight up pathetic.

 

That being said, this post is a lot more telling of what his intentions were. He said he'd be disappointed if you stopped. Honestly, you should have stopped then and there. Live and learn.

 

There is nothing wrong with telling someone what your intentions are before you get physical. If you tell someone you're not looking for just a one-night stand and that scares them away, then you've done yourself a favor. People shouldn't be spooked by that, and if they are it shows their intent.

 

My suggestion would be just to read the cues a little better next time.

[SweetCharity]

OP, I get your frustration.

 

I think jumping into bed with someone is always a risk. You can feel completely assured going in, only to have to rug pulled out from under you later. When my BF and I had sex for the first time on date three, I have to say I was honestly surprised to hear from him again after that—I was not assured at all that he wasn't going to just disappear. That was the risk I took—but I took it with the full knowledge that I might NOT hear from him again.

 

As to whether or not he played you—it's hard to say. Again, people can do and say all manner of things, and they often contradict. I don't know if he was sincere; I would have taken it as a blow-off, but that's just me.

 

I think it's important for you to think about what YOU want out of this. Me, I'd have a hard time being "friends" with someone who either wanted to keep me around for possible future sex, or was limply extending the offer because they wanted to feel better about themselves for hurting/disappointing you. If you want to pursue a friendship with this guy—do so! In time, his true colors will show.

 

If you think he's a major choad, lose his number, simple as. I'm sure you're not so hurting for friendship that you need to cling on to him.

 

At the end of the day, why he did what he did is less important than how you want to proceed going forward.

 

Thank you! Finally someone actually answering what I asked.

[Gaeta]

No what is happening here is I'm being slut shamed because I'm a Woman.

 

He didn't tell me to put my clothes back on. He told me we could wait while he had a condom in his hand. Then he said he's be disappointed if we stopped now. Yes, I admit I took a risk but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that at the very least this wouldn't be something that changed our dynamic. I wasn't trying to get him to be my bf right then and there. I just wanted some reassurance. Clearly I'm just supposed to never have sex with anyone ever or tell them my intentions.

 

I am also a woman and I am not slut shaming you one bit! because well, I am probably the sluttiest member on here at this time. I am trying to make you see that:

 

1. You proclaim you can live in the moment. If you really did than this morning you would have gotten up and think <oh well it didn't turn out the way I would have liked to> and moved on without looking for a guilty.

 

2. You need to understand men better. They don't think like us, don't feel like us, and interpret words differently.

 

3. Taking a risk or giving someone the benefit of the doubt means you have to expect disappointment. You gave him the benefit of the doubt but you are unwilling to accept the disappointing end.

 

4. You're disappointed, we get that, it happened to me I don't know how many times, but it's no one's fault. Attraction is very complicated, it can intensify or die in a moment and you have no control over it.

[SweetCharity]

I do agree that you're being slut-shamed a little on this thread, and the double-standard is straight up pathetic.

 

That being said, this post is a lot more telling of what his intentions were. He said he'd be disappointed if you stopped. Honestly, you should have stopped then and there. Live and learn.

 

There is nothing wrong with telling someone what your intentions are before you get physical. If you tell someone you're not looking for just a one-night stand and that scares them away, then you've done yourself a favor. People shouldn't be spooked by that, and if they are it shows their intent.

 

My suggestion would be just to read the cues a little better next time.

Thank you. I'm sure if a guy had written this thread he'd be praised for being a "nice guy" and told he at least "got some." Yeah I should have just followed the cues.

[Redhead14]

I wasn't putting any blame on him. I still question his sincerity. That's why I'm asking.

 

Yes, I understand. That's why you need to give enough space before intimacy in order for them to be able to demonstrate their sincerity. You can't and they can't even be sure that they will want that with you after only one or two dates. He may want that with someone, they just don't know that quickly at least. When a man or a woman says they want and are looking for a relationship, that may very well be true, but they can't say it will be with that person at the point. You find out if you're on the same page and wait for them to demonstrate it to you by words and actions for a little while at least until it's really clear.

 

Like I said earlier, of course you can have sex with someone if you want, but even if they say that they want the same thing as you, you just have sex, enjoy it for the moment and don't place any expectations on it. You wait to see what they do after that. If they continue to see you and keep

good contact, then you have a better idea of what they really want and whether it will/could be with you. In the situation you just went through the messages were mixed and inconsistent so it's hard to untangle now. And, you're left feeling mad or disappointed, what have you.

 

You can be friends with this guy if you want to, but don't do it because you think he will change his mind or something. He might, but don't count on it. If you decide to be friends, don't have sex again unless he gets really focused on you or unless you want to just be FWB with him. That may be an option as well. But manage your emotions and expectations especially if you have sex with a guy early. Doing that for yourself, will save you from carrying over anxiety, hurt, distrustfulness/bitterness into new dating scenarios.

[stillafool]

 

 

Second date comes around. We go to a taco place and have a good time. We're laughing and flirting. I had stooped drinking cold turkey but he convinced me to drink one margarita. He pays for everything and refuses to let me pay. That night I sleep with him. I told him point blank before hand I didn't want just a hook up and he said it won't be but I can wait if we wanted. Well, we were already naked and I'm a red blooded human being so I just give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

 

No you didn't get played. You did what you wanted to do which was have sex with him. If you were unsure you shouldn't have been naked when you had the talk. He decided after he slept with you that he didn't get the connection he wanted. I think he just thinks you two aren't compatible and he doesn't want to waste your time. Be happy that he isn't wasting anymore of your time.