SweetCharity Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I'll jump right into the topic. I meet a guy through am online dating site. We click instantly on the first date. He's funny, smart, a talented musician, a gentleman and insanely attractive. My eyes popped right out my head when I saw him. It had been so long since I met anyone like that. The first date was at a hookah bar. Perfectly normal. He pays for everything and kisses me good night. Before the second gate I add him on face book and he texts me saying his mom thinks I'm pretty. Second date comes around. We go to a taco place and have a good time. We're laughing and flirting. I had stooped drinking cold turkey but he convinced me to drink one margarita. He pays for everything and refuses to let me pay. That night I sleep with him. I told him point blank before hand I didn't want just a hook up and he said it won't be but I can wait if we wanted. Well, we were already naked and I'm a red blooded human being so I just give him the benefit of the doubt. Two days later...I get this text: "I was just thinking of the most thoughtful way to say this because I had such a wonderful time with you and you're an awesome person - I hope you know I really mean that. I just don't feel as if we click on a level that would lead to anything in the future. I realize this probably couldn't come at a worse time because of what went down the other night, but I hope you know I wasn't just in it for that and I'll say it again: you're an awesome person. I wouldn't take back our time together and I hope you you feel the same. You deserve the real deal and, least of all, not to be strung along. That's why I'm telling you this now and I apologize for whatever affect it may cause. If it's possibility, I would still like to be friends." Well. I played it off saying I understood but I wished he had told me that before sleeping with me. He said he was sorry he did that but was glad we could be friends. I also noticed that very day he changed his profile picture on his dating profile to the picture I said was my favorite. Don't know what to think of that one but it made me feel bad. I want stalking him. It was in my messages. Thoughts? Was he sincere or did he play me? Should I be friends with him or be mad? I was pretty upset when I got the text because I thought I had made myself clear about my intentions. I'm getting conflicting advice from my friends. One says that he played me from the start. And before I get the old "you put out too soon" bs, let me just say that I shouldn't have to be the one to hold off on the sex. I am just as capable of getting caught up in the moment as a guy is and hate the double standard. I've also heard that most guys know exactly what they will do about a girl before they sleep with her.
katiegrl Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 My thought is that he *was* interested in you, but once he had sex he lost interest. He feels guilty about that....hence his text. I don't think he consciously played you. He just didn't feel enough of a connection with you to continue dating you. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Yes, I think you got played. No, I don't see the point in being friends. 6
minime13 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 He played you. What he told you was something to get you to put out, since, as you stated, you were already pretty much there. The only reason you got that text was the guilt because he straight-up lied, and wants to keep things cool in case he wants to come back around and hit it again when he's lonely - especially adding that "glad we could be friends" line. 7
regine_phalange Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 He seems to be nice and he confronted you with honesty. But I wouldn't stay friends with him because it seems to be that he mentioned it just not to hurt your feelings completely (or to have no strings attached fooling around in the future without leading you on). If you observe closer, his text is nice but not very warm. It's almost as if someone didn't seal a deal with a client! If you had interacted as friends face to face for a longer time then I'd say maybe give a shot in the friendship.
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Shame he had to hide behind a text to tell you. If he wanted to be friends, wouldn't it have been more considerate to tell you F2F? And he thinks you're 'awesome'. I would have thought that was excellent dating material... I agree with you about the 'putting it out too soon' BS, by the way. 5
fitnessfan365 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 He'll most likely end up wanting friends...with benefits. That's why I'd just walk away. Once a guy makes it clear he doesn't see a future with you, he's not going to change his mind. Just like when you put guys you're not attracted to into the friend zone. But since you've had sex, he wants to keep you around to keep getting laid with no strings. But here's what I guess happened. He was really into you. Until the moment you said "I'm not just looking for a hook up". This basically implies you want a commitment on date two. So he got scared off. If you'd had sex and let things progress date by date, who knows. But if you're not looking for casual sex, don't have it early on. Otherwise, you'll keep attaching strings to sex and scaring guys off. 3
Yookie Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 This guy has a script and you played yourself perfectly in step with his objective. Its not the fact that you slept with him too soon, it's that you directly contradict your WORDS when you say "I'm not interested in a casual encounter" but then allow him to get you drunk and in a position where you lose your inhibitions and ultimately lose sight of your long term goal. If you aren't interested in being a F-toy then stop doing it! Period. If you want these men to take you seriously, you need to back it up with your actions. The classic pump-and-dump can only happen if you allow it. No. He is not your friend. He wants to keep you around because you have already proven to be easy. Another thing to consider: We as women, get very emotionally attached to men we are intimate with to the point that we overlook major flaws and let too much BS slide. If you delay the artificial attachment early on, you can more easily weed out the bad ones. 10
Yookie Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I agree with you about the 'putting it out too soon' BS, by the way. The "putting it out too soon BS" is why the OP ended up butthurt. If she really was ok with it then why tell the guy what she's looking for a relationship but do the opposite? If she's ok with a pump-and-dump then she should be basking in the memory of their encounter right now instead of being upset that the relationship part didn't work out. You can't have it both ways. Women are generally emotional creatures. The only women I know who do random men on purpose get paid for it. Otherwise it's usually a source of trauma for a woman to get rejected by a lover. 8
Author SweetCharity Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 Like others have said, you got played. This is OLD 101 for men. You mentioned how great he is, how attractive, ect. He used that to get you into the sack. We generally hit up women who aren't quite as attractive as we are when looking for easy sex online. He is being nice to you so that he doesn't burn any bridges with you, because he wants to have another girl lined up that he can have sex with. A single guy likes to have a few women that we can call whenever we want to get laid, which is kinda like our version of the friendzone. If you aren't looking for hook ups, quit hooking up with random Internet guys you don't know. Just announcing to those guys prior to hooking up that you are looking for a relationship is not going to make him reconsider his ideas of having sex with you. My experience has shown me that the women who announce they are not looking for hook ups only do so because they keep hooking up with guys and they now want something more. That is irrelevant, because they will generally still hook up with the next guy they are into. He changed his pic online to the one you said was your favorite because it worked for him. He's probably hoping other women will like that one best too. Woah woah woah. I'm definitely as attractive as he was. Hell, I'm more attractive than most women. This has nothing to do with my looks. Don't assume I'm ugly. 2
veggirl Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I think he wants to be FWB. He knows now that you would have wanted to continue pursuing a relationship and he will use that to continue to bed you I bet. I don't see the point in being friends with him when you want more.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Not all women get attached with sex. I never did. I can get more attached to men I never touched. It's important not to generalize. Also when you decide to have sex early on you have to know that it will most likely be a hook up. Regardless of what the guy says, you need to be cool with that before proceeding. 4
kendahke Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 (edited) I think it was saying you didn't want a hook up but turned around and smashed that made him turn tail. He may have thought you expected a commitment from him after that. I don't necessarily think he was playing you, being that you're owning the fact that if you didn't want to smash, you wouldn't have been there. Alerting him to the fact that you expected commitment may have changed the trajectory of what was developing with him. Be friends with him if you want to be an eff-buddy or you want to listen to him go on about some other girl he's lost his mind and heart over because friends talk about that kind of stuff. Depends upon how badly you feel you need his brand of friendship. Edited June 5, 2015 by kendahke
fred123 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 OP the double standards come from you! You know men want sex quickly. The question is why do the guys who treat you respectfully (by not having sex with you quickly and taking it slow and getting to know you) never get sex? The same guys try it on with you and you give them BS excuses "hey its too early or i prefer taking things slow or you just want sex with me thats a turn off" The double standards come from the girl with regards to this. You have no sympathy from me. Maybe date the good guys who withold sex and treat girls properly
Redhead14 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 (edited) I'll jump right into the topic. I meet a guy through am online dating site. We click instantly on the first date. He's funny, smart, a talented musician, a gentleman and insanely attractive. My eyes popped right out my head when I saw him. It had been so long since I met anyone like that. The first date was at a hookah bar. Perfectly normal. He pays for everything and kisses me good night. Before the second gate I add him on face book and he texts me saying his mom thinks I'm pretty. Second date comes around. We go to a taco place and have a good time. We're laughing and flirting. I had stooped drinking cold turkey but he convinced me to drink one margarita. He pays for everything and refuses to let me pay. That night I sleep with him. I told him point blank before hand I didn't want just a hook up and he said it won't be but I can wait if we wanted. Well, we were already naked and I'm a red blooded human being so I just give him the benefit of the doubt. Two days later...I get this text: "I was just thinking of the most thoughtful way to say this because I had such a wonderful time with you and you're an awesome person - I hope you know I really mean that. I just don't feel as if we click on a level that would lead to anything in the future. I realize this probably couldn't come at a worse time because of what went down the other night, but I hope you know I wasn't just in it for that and I'll say it again: you're an awesome person. I wouldn't take back our time together and I hope you you feel the same. You deserve the real deal and, least of all, not to be strung along. That's why I'm telling you this now and I apologize for whatever affect it may cause. If it's possibility, I would still like to be friends." Well. I played it off saying I understood but I wished he had told me that before sleeping with me. He said he was sorry he did that but was glad we could be friends. I also noticed that very day he changed his profile picture on his dating profile to the picture I said was my favorite. Don't know what to think of that one but it made me feel bad. I want stalking him. It was in my messages. Thoughts? Was he sincere or did he play me? Should I be friends with him or be mad? I was pretty upset when I got the text because I thought I had made myself clear about my intentions. I'm getting conflicting advice from my friends. One says that he played me from the start. And before I get the old "you put out too soon" bs, let me just say that I shouldn't have to be the one to hold off on the sex. I am just as capable of getting caught up in the moment as a guy is and hate the double standard. I've also heard that most guys know exactly what they will do about a girl before they sleep with her. A guy who hits it and quits it doesn't usually send a message to say all that he said. They just disappear. It doesn't necessarily mean he wasn't hoping things would go differently with you. You didn't know him well enough to know what his intentions were and it's unfair to hang him because you didn't stick to ground rules for yourself. He was in the same boat as you at the point when you ended up having sex with you. He was naked, you were naked. What did you expect him to do if you couldn't put on the brakes. It was just as difficult for him to do that. He understood how it makes a woman feel if she's had a one night stand. I told him point blank before hand I didn't want just a hook up and he said it won't be but I can wait if we wanted. - He left the ball in your court. He said he would wait. You played a game with him. Hey, here I am naked, let' see if you can resist the urge. I thought I had made myself clear about my intentions - Did you point blank ask him what his dating goals were in general? Did you ask him what his intentions were before you got naked? Getting naked and then telling him you don't want a hook up sends a mixed message and I'd say that's why a guy sometimes doesn't want to see her again after the sex. You're not being clear about your intentions. How can you be sending a clear message when you're standing there naked. He may feel you're playing games with him. Men don't use women for sex, women allow themselves to be used. This is not about double standards, it's about you setting a standard for yourself and sticking to it. You say you don't want to hear the "you put out too soon" BS. You have demonstrated that it's not BS. You did it before the man actually demonstrated sincere interest without consistent contact, was consistent with making proper dates, etc. and now you're wondering . . . It's very unfair to get naked with a man and then say I don't want this to be a hookup. You do that before you get naked. That may come across to a guy that you are using sex as a tool of manipulation to ensure that he does keep seeing you. You might have had a better chance with him if you had simply had sex after getting naked without putting him on the spot. In other words, after you're naked with a guy, have sex and then just prepare yourself for the possibility that it would be a ONS and wait to see if he keeps contacting and dating you. At that point, you could take sex off the table in the sense that you only date him for a bit and keep it public and not allow the opportunity for sex to happen until you're more comfortable. You wouldn't tell him necessarily that you're taking sex off the table, you just don't leave that opportunity. If he wants to be sexual with you and you tell him you'd like to get to know him better now and he doesn't respect that, then you move on. YOu didn't give him a chance to know if he wanted to move forward with you for a relationship. How would he know that after only two dates. And, how would you really know if you really wanted that with him yet? Because he told you you were pretty? Edited June 5, 2015 by Redhead14 3
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 He did not play you, players don't give you a choice to wait, they get you when you're hot and almost begging. They also don't send long apologies they just go poof and call you 3 months later to try their luck again. ***** happens. You both were in the moment, actually you were more in the moment than he was because he had his head clear enough to offer you to wait. Men can't make the difference between their heart and their d*ck and I don't say that with disrespect. Attraction is everything to them and at first it's blinding and they don't know if it's just sexual or it's more. After sex some of them will say OH damn, that was just sexual attraction OR they will say OH damn I like this girl and would like to see her again. It's like rolling the dice. When he told you he was not looking for a hook-up he was telling the truth, he just didn't know his interest was only sexual he would lose interest after sex. When you go to bed with a man that early, no matter what he promises you, be aware you are playing roulette russe. You said at the end of the post you are capable of living in the moment, you did and it didn't materialize. If it bothers you then no, you should not allow yourself to live in the moment in the future. 4
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I forgot to add. No do not accept his friendship. He is just offering it to be nice with you because he feels bad. Tell him to take care and good luck. 5
katiegrl Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 (edited) He'll most likely end up wanting friends...with benefits. That's why I'd just walk away. Once a guy makes it clear he doesn't see a future with you, he's not going to change his mind. Just like when you put guys you're not attracted to into the friend zone. But since you've had sex, he wants to keep you around to keep getting laid with no strings. But here's what I guess happened. He was really into you. Until the moment you said "I'm not just looking for a hook up". This basically implies you want a commitment on date two. So he got scared off. If you'd had sex and let things progress date by date, who knows. But if you're not looking for casual sex, don't have it early on. Otherwise, you'll keep attaching strings to sex and scaring guys off. Agree with first paragraph but not the second. I highly doubt he lost interest *because* she told him she was not just looking for a hookup (i.e. one night stand). Had he been really into her and felt a connection *after* the sex, he would have loved that she was not just looking for a hook up! And continued to ask her out and see what develops. Has nothing to do with *commitment* or her wanting a commitment. We are talking dating here....as opposed to casual hook up (ONS). SC......my spiney senses say that something about the sex turned him off....since he dumped you immediately after. It could be anything really, but my guess would be he just didn't feel a strong enough connection which is what he is looking for. Had he intentionally played you, I don't think he would have sent that heartfelt text. He feels guilty about not feeling it with you afterwards...and he sent the text to alleviate some of that guilt. Players don't feel guilt about such things. Behaving that way (pump and dump) is the norm for them. Not to mention, you were a willing participant... so there is hardly a reason for him to feel guilty anyway. But this guy did which says something. That he did like you, but lost interest after the sex. It happens that way for women too! That is my take anyway.... Edited June 5, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Author SweetCharity Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 (edited) The "putting it out too soon BS" is why the OP ended up butthurt. If she really was ok with it then why tell the guy what she's looking for a relationship but do the opposite? If she's ok with a pump-and-dump then she should be basking in the memory of their encounter right now instead of being upset that the relationship part didn't work out. You can't have it both ways. Women are generally emotional creatures. The only women I know who do random men on purpose get paid for it. Otherwise it's usually a source of trauma for a woman to get rejected by a lover. This is completely off base and sexist. It's this kind of thinking that cheapens and commodifies sex. Heaven forbid a woman is comfortable with her sexuality and had sex with someone she likes. My mistake was not having sex with him but not taking the time to get to know him a little better first. I was caught up in the moment and felt an honest connection. Sex is supposed to be a two way thing. He wasn't random. He lied to my face and that is not my fault. It's not even what I'm asking. I'm asking if I should even bother with a friendship. Edited June 5, 2015 by SweetCharity
Author SweetCharity Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 OP the double standards come from you! You know men want sex quickly. The question is why do the guys who treat you respectfully (by not having sex with you quickly and taking it slow and getting to know you) never get sex? The same guys try it on with you and you give them BS excuses "hey its too early or i prefer taking things slow or you just want sex with me thats a turn off" The double standards come from the girl with regards to this. You have no sympathy from me. Maybe date the good guys who withold sex and treat girls properly You don't know the first thing about me or what I do with guys who"treat me with respect." Where are you getting this from?
Redhead14 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 This is completely off base and sexist. It's this kind of thinking that cheapens and commodifies sex. Heaven forbid a woman is comfortable with her sexuality and had sex with someone she likes. My mistake was not having sex with him but not taking the time to get to know him a little better first. I was caught up in the moment and felt an honest connection. Sex is supposed to be a two way thing. He wasn't random. He lied to my face and that is not my fault. It's not even what I'm asking. I'm asking if I should even bother with a friendship. Nope. Frankly, I don't know why he wants to be friends with you. You sent mixed messages, put him on the spot by getting naked with him and then telling him you don't want to have sex unless he knows right then and there if he wants to keep dating you. Meatloaf sang a song about being in the backseat of his car, "I gotta know right now, before we go any further . . . do ya love me, will ya love me forever . . . and now I'm waiting for the end of time .. . He didn't lie to you, you lied to yourself by thinking that because you had sex with him, he's all in from that point on. 1
minime13 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I think it was saying you didn't want a hook up but turned around and smashed that made him turn tail. He may have thought you expected a commitment from him after that. I don't necessarily think he was playing you, being that you're owning the fact that if you didn't want to smash, you wouldn't have been there. Alerting him to the fact that you expected commitment may have changed the trajectory of what was developing with him. Be friends with him if you want to be an eff-buddy or you want to listen to him go on about some other girl he's lost his mind and heart over because friends talk about that kind of stuff. Depends upon how badly you feel you need his brand of friendship. If someone says they are not just looking for a hook-up and that is enough to scare a guy away, then he is playing them. Nobody should be that gun shy.
Gary S Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Actually, Gaeta is right. Guys don't always know right away whether they like a woman. This is why I always say you don't have a relationship for at least two months. 1
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