How much information about your sexual history should you share with SO?

June 5, 2015

Have you mentioned this to your SO? If so how does he feel about this?

Or let me guess... It's not of his business? Sounds healthy...

I am single atm, but, no, it is none of his business.

Actually, a few years ago, I went to see this band of friends who were launching an album. And I took my BF at the time. I had slept with the keyboard player once upon a time. I didn't disclose this at all to my BF. It was none of his business. He did, however, figure it out, the way the guy shook his hand or whatever, so my BF asked me, mid laugh, if we'd slept together. I said I did and that was that. He laughed some more.

But as a general rule, no I don't disclose who my previous sex partners are. And it's not unhealthy. It is simply in the past.

The other day I met up with a guy I used to sleep with and his wife. We hadn't seen each other since the last time we slept together, over 6 years ago. I am pretty sure he didn't tell her about it. Just that we used to work together and are friends.

June 5, 2015

You'll leave when the pain of staying outweighs the disruption of leaving.

This is really what it comes down to. I want to stay with her but the fighting has become pretty bad. And I really feel like it could all be solved with one simple conversation.

I would love to have full disclosure. I think that would actually save our relationship.

By full disclosure I mean this...

1. Which of your friends have you slept with? (by friends, I mean real friends, as in people who you still hang out with or have regular contact with)

2. Be forthright about things. If we are talking about someone, hanging out with someone or bump into someone when we are together, and it's a person you have a sexual history with... be honest about it. I shouldn't have to ask you if you've had sex with "so-and-so". You should volunteer that information.

3. Do not lie to me. Also to not omit information from your past simply because its difficult to discuss.

4. Do not flirt with men. Do not lead them on. Be appropriate and respectful. If a man has sexual motives and his intentions are less the honorable, do not hang out with him, give him your phone number, text with him etc. Mention you have a boyfriend in these situations.

June 5, 2015

I am single atm, but, no, it is none of his business.

Actually, a few years ago, I went to see this band of friends who were launching an album. And I took my BF at the time. I had slept with the keyboard player once upon a time. I didn't disclose this at all to my BF. It was none of his business. He did, however, figure it out, the way the guy shook his hand or whatever, so my BF asked me, mid laugh, if we'd slept together. I said I did and that was that. He laughed some more.

But as a general rule, no I don't disclose who my previous sex partners are. And it's not unhealthy. It is simply in the past.

The other day I met up with a guy I used to sleep with and his wife. We hadn't seen each other since the last time we slept together, over 6 years ago. I am pretty sure he didn't tell her about it. Just that we used to work together and are friends.

For me, it was someone I was seeing some 7 years ago. The sex was absolutely explosive. Not particularly intimate or anything, just raw passion. I still remember it fondly and I've had plenty of good sex since then!
I actually had coffee with him and his now wife the other day. Last time I'd seen him was the last time we slept together, about 6.5 years ago!!

wow. what a great husband. this is exactly what I'm talking about. his poor wife. wtf is wrong with people.

I think she would be devastated if she read this.

June 5, 2015

This is really what it comes down to. I want to stay with her but the fighting has become pretty bad. And I really feel like it could all be solved with one simple conversation.
I would love to have full disclosure. I think that would actually save our relationship.

By full disclosure I mean this...

1. Which of your friends have you slept with? (by friends, I mean real friends, as in people who you still hang out with or have regular contact with)
2. Be forthright about things. If we are talking about someone, hanging out with someone or bump into someone when we are together, and it's a person you have a sexual history with... be honest about it. I shouldn't have to ask you if you've had sex with "so-and-so". You should volunteer that information.
3. Do not lie to me. Also to not omit information from your past simply because its difficult to discuss.
4. Do not flirt with men. Do not lead them on. Be appropriate and respectful. If a man has sexual motives and his intentions are less the honorable, do not hang out with him, give him your phone number, text with him etc. Mention you have a boyfriend in these situations.

The fighting started because you wanted information and she gave it. It started out harmless and has snowballed into a massive avalanche. There is no such thing as a "simple" conversation about this. Disclosure is only going to multiple the issues.

June 5, 2015

When we were talking about our sexual history and I promised to never judge her for her past I wasn't really understanding what she had done. I thought she was going to say something like "I did a threesome with my boyfriend and his best friend" (ironically she did actually say that exact sentence) but what I was not expecting was "I used to work as an escort and once I f**ked a 65 year old man for $500 and it was probably the most sexually fulfilling experience of my life"

That was not what I had agreed to when I said I would "not get upset or judge her".

I really expected "normal" stuff like "oh I've had some one night stands, once I got drunk and had sex with my roommate etc." the whole prostitution thing kind of blew my mind. I thought I knew her pretty well but sometimes people can really surprise you.

So yeah. I kind of freaked out about that. I actually think I was pretty calm about the whole thing. Most guys would have walked out right then.

But I don't hold any of that against her. I saw a therapist and worked through her crazy past sexual history. Now it's just about her male "friends" and her relationships with all these former f**k buddies

At one time of my life I was really, really desperate for money (serious debt) and considered prostituting myself, to a niche market (S&M). I never went through with it because I was really emotionally vulnerable at the time, but got as far as having photos taken, an advert put up, and talking to clients to arrange a meet.

It's not the same as actually doing it, but I've been honest about it with my current partner that it almost happened and also with new friends that I've made since, when something like that has come up. It kinda takes people aback as I'm the opposite of what you'd imagine a person who does that to be, but both partners I've had since have had a very 'well, if that's what you felt you had to do at the time, then that's the past and I don't judge you' attitude to it, and said it wouldn't put them off to date a girl who HAD gone through with it, or been a stripper or so forth.

Perhaps I choose very sexually liberal guys to date. If someone had a problem with it then at least they know, that I'm not the girl for them.

Either you like her or not, OP. If her history colours your feelings for her so significantly you're engaged in a lengthy thread online about whether you can handle it or not, you're probably not a match. Don't stress about it too much, just move on. And certainly don't make her feel guilty about something she did before she ever met you.

June 5, 2015

At one time of my life I was really, really desperate for money (serious debt) and considered prostituting myself, to a niche market (S&M). I never went through with it because I was really emotionally vulnerable at the time, but got as far as having photos taken, an advert put up, and talking to clients to arrange a meet.

It's not the same as actually doing it, but I've been honest about it with my current partner that it almost happened and also with new friends that I've made since, when something like that has come up. It kinda takes people aback as I'm the opposite of what you'd imagine a person who does that to be, but both partners I've had since have had a very 'well, if that's what you felt you had to do at the time, then that's the past and I don't judge you' attitude to it, and said it wouldn't put them off to date a girl who HAD gone through with it, or been a stripper or so forth.

Perhaps I choose very sexually liberal guys to date. If someone had a problem with it then at least they know, that I'm not the girl for them.

Either you like her or not, OP. If her history colours your feelings for her so significantly you're engaged in a lengthy thread online about whether you can handle it or not, you're probably not a match. Don't stress about it too much, just move on. And certainly don't make her feel guilty about something she did before she ever met you.

That's very similar to the story she told. Except she went as far as going out on "paid dates" with a half a dozen or so men. She felt a connection with one of the men so she arranged a "transaction" and followed through with it. I understand it and I don't really lose sleep over it. Although I think what bothered me the most about it was that she didn't have to sleep with him. She could have just went on a few more "paid dates" and made the money she needed. She chose to do it because she wanted to. And she said it was really sexually satisfying and she came harder and faster than she ever has before. Phew! Thats not a good feeling for me. Especially because she almost never reaches orgasm and when she does she has really weak orgasms. It takes her about and hour to even get close. Yet in 10 minutes a 65 year old man made her cum hard and intense. Nice visual... It's difficult for me mainly because we having amazing sex and she's told me several times I'm the best in bed of anyone she's been with... yet I can only get her off about once a month and it takes hours of hard work. But a 65 year old man who she is prostituting herself to can get her off in ten minutes? And a more powerful orgasm than she's ever had with me...If that doesn't make you insecure then nothing will...

Anyway... Thank you for sharing this. It actually made me feel better reading that and knowing that she's not the only woman who has found herself in that situation.

edit: and for what it's worth. those boyfriends who said "it wouldn't put them off to date a girl who HAD gone through with it" I have said things like that too. You don't think you would care. until you find yourself actually in that situation, then suddenly your feelings aren't the same. Talking about something like that in the hypothetical and actually being in that situation are much different. I really believed I wouldn't care or that it wouldn't bother me. Thousands of dollars in therapy later... I realize that wasn't the case.

Edited June 5, 2015 by deadelvis

June 5, 2015

That's very similar to the story she told. Except she went as far as going out on "paid dates" with a half a dozen or so men. She felt a connection with one of the men so she arranged a "transaction" and followed through with it. I understand it and I don't really lose sleep over it. Although I think what bothered me the most about it was that she didn't have to sleep with him. She could have just went on a few more "paid dates" and made the money she needed. She chose to do it because she wanted to. And she said it was really sexually satisfying and she came harder and faster than she ever has before. Phew! Thats not a good feeling for me. Especially because she almost never reaches orgasm and when she does she has really weak orgasms. It takes her about and hour to even get close. Yet in 10 minutes a 65 year old man made her cum hard and intense. Nice visual...

Anyway... Thank you for sharing this. It actually made me feel better reading that and knowing that she's not the only woman who has found herself in that situation.

edit: and for what it's worth. those boyfriends who said "it wouldn't put them off to date a girl who HAD gone through with it" I have said things like that too. You don't think you would care. until you find yourself actually in that situation, then suddenly your feelings aren't the same. Talking about something like that in the hypothetical and actually being in that situation are much diffe.

I really believed I wouldn't care or that it wouldn't bother me. Thousands of dollars in therapy later... I realize that wasn't the case.

I'll save you another $10,000 and give you the answer for free - accept that this is outside your zone and more than you budgeted for and turn the lights off on your way out.

June 5, 2015

Yes I'm sure you're right, for some people it really would be a 'think I can handle it' until it's a reality. That's fair... have to wonder though why on earth she's sharing that level of detail with you, is she trying to make you jealous? It's one thing to talk about past exploits but quite another to try and flaunt how much more satisfying they were than your current relationship!

But hey... was she single? If so, no harm. The thing you need to work on here is why the hell she's sharing all of that detail, that can only be done to hurt. Unless you're the kind of guy prodding her repeatedly to get every ounce of info about a situation and she told you in exasperation.

June 5, 2015

...she said it was really sexually satisfying and she came harder and faster than she ever has before. Phew! Thats not a good feeling for me. Especially because she almost never reaches orgasm and when she does she has really weak orgasms. It takes her about and hour to even get close. Yet in 10 minutes a 65 year old man made her cum hard and intense. Nice visual... It's difficult for me mainly because we having amazing sex and she's told me several times I'm the best in bed of anyone she's been with... yet I can only get her off about once a month and it takes hours of hard work. But a 65 year old man who she is prostituting herself to can get her off in ten minutes? And a more powerful orgasm than she's ever had with me...

And on a side note... what does this say about her? How messed up in the head does she have to be when prostituting herself to a guy 40 years older than gets her off like crazy but being with an attractive man her own age who she is in love with doesn't even get her close to orgasm? And i'm attractive, endowed, etc. and we really do have amazing sex. But she almost never cums. But a wrinkled old man who hires her for sex gets her off like never before in a matter of minutes. It boggles the mind.

June 5, 2015

Yes I'm sure you're right, for some people it really would be a 'think I can handle it' until it's a reality. That's fair... have to wonder though why on earth she's sharing that level of detail with you, is she trying to make you jealous? It's one thing to talk about past exploits but quite another to try and flaunt how much more satisfying they were than your current relationship!

But hey... was she single? If so, no harm. The thing you need to work on here is why the hell she's sharing all of that detail, that can only be done to hurt. Unless you're the kind of guy prodding her repeatedly to get every ounce of info about a situation and she told you in exasperation.

One time in the beginning we were laying in bed after sex and joking about past exploits. The conversation came around to "most depraved things you've ever done" Needless to say that one took the cake.

June 5, 2015

...... look at it this way , if you play your cards right and don't pi$$ her off and don't burn any bridges, you can move on and find a more compatible girlfriend but you can still stay on her booty call list like all her other dudes and you can still come around now and then.

You can get the benefits of her being a free spirit and casual lifestyle without having the hassle of trying to make her into a legitimate GF.

If you can't beat the orbiters,join them. They may all know something you don't. 30 guys can't all be wrong and your the only one that's right. You may be the fool here.

June 5, 2015

...... look at it this way , if you play your cards right and don't pi$$ her off and don't burn any bridges, you can move on and find a more compatible girlfriend but you can still stay on her booty call list like all her other dudes and you can still come around now and then.

You can get the benefits of her being a free spirit and casual lifestyle without having the hassle of trying to make her into a legitimate GF.

If you can't beat the orbiters,join them. They may all know something you don't. 30 guys can't all be wrong and your the only one that's right. You may be the fool here.

Truer words have never been spoken. Amen

June 5, 2015

Truer words have never been spoken. Amen

Wow, I can feel the love you profess you have for her.....

June 5, 2015

Wow, I can feel the love you profess you have for her.....

I wasn't really being serious. I do love her very much and want to make things work. If we break up I will probably move to the opposite side of the country. I couldn't bear to be around her if we aren't together. It would break my heart seeing her date other men.

June 5, 2015

wow. what a great husband. this is exactly what I'm talking about. his poor wife. wtf is wrong with people.

I think she would be devastated if she read this.

Poor wife?? Why?? She wasn't in the picture back then. They met a year later. Got married, are happy. Why would he disclose??? Makes absolutely NO sense to me.

And why would she be devastated? It was the best sex of MY life. Not sure about his, because I haven't really spoken to him about it, nor will I.

And didn't you, at some point in one of your previous posts suggest that someone your partner slept with X amount of years ago wouldn't be relevant, but maybe someone she«d slept with 6 months ago would? Changing the tune, now, are we???

You have serious insecurity issues.

June 5, 2015

And on a side note... what does this say about her? How messed up in the head does she have to be when prostituting herself to a guy 40 years older than gets her off like crazy but being with an attractive man her own age who she is in love with doesn't even get her close to orgasm? And i'm attractive, endowed, etc. and we really do have amazing sex. But she almost never cums. But a wrinkled old man who hires her for sex gets her off like never before in a matter of minutes. It boggles the mind.

I mean - this is the real issue, right? All of this busy business about honesty, blah blah

1. Which of your friends have you slept with? (by friends, I mean real friends, as in people who you still hang out with or have regular contact with)
2. Be forthright about things. If we are talking about someone, hanging out with someone or bump into someone when we are together, and it's a person you have a sexual history with... be honest about it. I shouldn't have to ask you if you've had sex with "so-and-so". You should volunteer that information.
3. Do not lie to me. Also to not omit information from your past simply because its difficult to discuss.
4. Do not flirt with men. Do not lead them on. Be appropriate and respectful. If a man has sexual motives and his intentions are less the honorable, do not hang out with him, give him your phone number, text with him etc. Mention you have a boyfriend in these situations.

...nah. This is closing the barn door after the horses have escaped. She's already been too truthful with you. That bit about the orgasms she had with the older guy is the real problem. End of. It took a lot of threads to get here, but this is it.

June 5, 2015

I wasn't really being serious. I do love her very much and want to make things work. If we break up I will probably move to the opposite side of the country. I couldn't bear to be around her if we aren't together. It would break my heart seeing her date other men.

You are seeing that now.

June 5, 2015

I mean - this is the real issue, right? All of this busy business about honesty, blah blah

...nah. This is closing the barn door after the horses have escaped. She's already been too truthful with you. That bit about the orgasms she had with the older guy is the real problem. End of. It took a lot of threads to get here, but this is it.

Well it certainly was an issue at one point. It's been months since we had that conversation, and although it haunted me for a while it doesn't bother me anymore. But I do worry that she has some serious issues regarding sexuality, considering the way she was able to get off so easily and so intensely in that situation but she struggles to cum in a loving relationship... Only a handful of people have ever made her cum. Most boyfriends were lucky if they could make her cum once a year... But I am really happy with our sex life and I don't really feel insecure in that regard. Our sex is amazing. Once a month is waaaaay better than anyone else has ever managed. Aside from the old guy of course. It says something about her. I'm not sure what exactly but it certainly say's something...

Edited June 5, 2015 by deadelvis

June 5, 2015

Well it certainly was an issue at one point. It's been months since we had that conversation, and although it haunted me for a while it doesn't bother me anymore. But I do worry that she has some serious issues regarding sexuality, considering the way she was able to get off so easily and so intensely in that situation but she struggles to cum in a loving relationship... Only a handful of people have ever made her cum. Most boyfriends were lucky if they could make her cum once a year... But I am really happy with our sex life and I don't really feel insecure in that regard. Our sex is amazing. Once a month is waaaaay better than anyone else has ever managed. Aside from the old guy of course. It says something about her. I'm not sure what exactly but it certainly say's something...

Then a guess you're even. Because quite a few of your posts say a lot about you as well.

June 5, 2015

I really don't understand why everyone hates me so much.

I realize I made a mistake when I promised her I wouldn't get upset no matter what she confessed to me and then actually did get upset. But like I said, I really did think at the time that I wouldn't get upset. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I realized I was struggling with her story about being an escort. I know I messed up in that situation, but I didn't want to have that reaction, and I regret it. Other than that what have I done that's so horrible? Wanting an honest and transparent relationship doesn't seem like anything bad. It actually seems like a pretty honorable thing. I don't try to control her. I just want to feel like she's honest with me. What have I really done to make you all hate me so much?

June 5, 2015

Yes you do try to control her and it's slowly turning into psychological abuse. You keep punishing her for turning out to be different from what you wanted. You are badgering and punishing her. On and on and on you go.

June 5, 2015

So obviously if I want this relationship to work, the best solution is to have non-disclosure and just accept that she is going to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants and never tell me anything about which friends she's slept with.

I don't want to be controlling or psychologically abusive. but I also don't think it's fair for her to hide things. I guess I just have to accept that she won't tell me a lot of stuff.

June 5, 2015

No. The best thing would be to break up with her before she is completely destroyed. After that you should seek counselling and be single for a while.

June 5, 2015

How exhausting and gross to include every single person and even individual sex acts from the past in your relationship! I hope you get some help to sort this stuff out before you get in your next one!!

June 5, 2015

Well it was actually really nice in the beginning that we were able to be so open and honest about everything. I've never had that with a partner, where you could divulge anything about your life and never feel judged. It was like having a really trusted best friend who you could tell anything. Of course I ruined that, with my reaction to her more sordid details. But it was great. It wasn't exhausting at all, it was really nice.

And it's sad that we've lost that, and that I might have lost her too.

Sign In

How much information about your sexual history should you share with SO?

Recommended Posts

ASG

deadelvis

deadelvis

Methodical

acrosstheuniverse

deadelvis

oldshirt

acrosstheuniverse

deadelvis

deadelvis

oldshirt

deadelvis

autumnnight

deadelvis

ASG

serial muse

oldshirt

deadelvis

autumnnight

deadelvis

Emilia

deadelvis

Emilia

Rejected Rosebud

deadelvis

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...