How much information about your sexual history should you share with SO?

June 4, 2015

I'm actually talking about past relationships. I've only had 1 FWB, not my thing. There is a difference but you said she wouldn't be allowed to give her number to men. That would exclude future male friends then.

Well it's like I said about context and intention. An old friend wants to meet up for drinks... A new friend wants to meet up for drinks. Intent and context dictate the appropriateness of the scenario.

A guy hits on you at a bar and asks for your number... a former FB texts you late at night asking you to come over. Intent and context again define the appropriateness or in this instance lack thereof.

June 4, 2015

I will never tell an SO my sexual past again. He had known about a couple of them through mutual friends, but when that came up I made the mistake of letting him know about my complete sexual history. I went through a "wild" phase that lasted less than a year and slept with a few people.

He took every single opportunity throughout our relationship to rub that in my face and use it against me, even when he was breaking up with me. He also now assumes that I'm sleeping around after the breakup, even though If I was it's none of his business, because of what I did before we were together.

In the end, as long as you don't have some sort of disease that could potentially affect them, it's your business only.

June 4, 2015

A guy hits on you at a bar and asks for your number... a former FB texts you late at night asking you to come over. Intent and context again define the appropriateness or in this instance lack thereof.

Most people wouldn't be ok with that.

June 4, 2015

I will never tell an SO my sexual past again. He had known about a couple of them through mutual friends, but when that came up I made the mistake of letting him know about my complete sexual history. I went through a "wild" phase that lasted less than a year and slept with a few people.

He took every single opportunity throughout our relationship to rub that in my face and use it against me, even when he was breaking up with me. He also now assumes that I'm sleeping around after the breakup, even though If I was it's none of his business, because of what I did before we were together.

In the end, as long as you don't have some sort of disease that could potentially affect them, it's your business only.

I know it was traumatic but isn't it better that he is out of your life? His insecurities would have manifested themselves later on anyway.

June 4, 2015

Most people wouldn't be ok with that.

So again the question lingers... where do we each draw our own line?

A guy who she was friends with for ten years who she may have had sex with a couple times long ago is (in my mind) perfectly fine. (although I certainly would feel more comfortable is she mentioned that they had sex, failing to mention that is IMO not very transparent and borders on dishonest)

vs.

A guy who she only knew for a short amount of time and who was little more than a FB asks her to meet up. She fails to mention that she was sleeping with him less than six months ago and say's "I'm hanging out with friends tonight". (This to me would seem inappropriate, regardless of her intentions or my ability to trust her)

June 4, 2015

In a relationship, you have to open yourself and give the other person the ability to hurt you. You do that by letting them in, giving them access to your inner person. To be in a healthy relationship, you have to trust that they will protect your vulnerabilities, not use them as a weapon.

You cannot truly love where you are closed off to protect yourself. Try hugging someone without giving them access to your body. It's impossible.

Your GF opened herself to you, you use the information she handed you as a weapon against her.

You are now trying to get others to say you are right for doing that.

You are wrong.

If she told you something you find unacceptable in a partner, then end it with dignity and walk away.

What she did is in the past. What she did was not done to hurt you. What you are doing is in the present. What you are doing is meant to hurt her.

June 4, 2015

So again the question lingers... where do we each draw our own line?

A guy who she was friends with for ten years who she may have had sex with a couple times long ago is (in my mind) perfectly fine. (although I certainly would feel more comfortable is she mentioned that they had sex, failing to mention that is IMO not very transparent and borders on dishonest)
vs.

A guy who she only knew for a short amount of time and who was little more than a FB asks her to meet up. She fails to mention that she was sleeping with him less than six months ago and say's "I'm hanging out with friends tonight". (This to me would seem inappropriate, regardless of her intentions or my ability to trust her)

This I can't comment on. Excuse the judgement but I always think people with large numbers fight an emptiness in their lives. Not my cuppa, can't relate to it.

June 4, 2015

In a relationship, you have to open yourself and give the other person the ability to hurt you. You do that by letting them in, giving them access to your inner person. To be in a healthy relationship, you have to trust that they will protect your vulnerabilities, not use them as a weapon.

You cannot truly love where you are closed off to protect yourself. Try hugging someone without giving them access to your body. It's impossible.

Your GF opened herself to you, you use the information she handed you as a weapon against her.

You are now trying to get others to say you are right for doing that.

You are wrong.

If she told you something you find unacceptable in a partner, then end it with dignity and walk away.

What she did is in the past. What she did was not done to hurt you. What you are doing is in the present. What you are doing is meant to hurt her.

I respectfully disagree. I think her failure to be forthright about her past history with her various associates constitutes a breach of trust in the present.

June 4, 2015

I know it was traumatic but isn't it better that he is out of your life? His insecurities would have manifested themselves later on anyway.

I know it's better.

He usually used his past against me when he was trying to justify his actions at the time.

I'm not sorry for my past, because it's in the past. It's no one else's business what you did with your body before you were with them.

June 4, 2015

As to the going out with friends...that has nothing to do with your original question. If she is doing things that you are uncomfortable with, that is a whole other discussion. Decide where YOUR boundaries are and then stick with them. If you are uncomfortable with her going out for drinks let her know.

She will have to choose which matters more to her, you or her friends. You may win, you may lose. Be aware that you need to pick your battles carefully. She is an independent person, you cannot order or force her.

Let her know what you are and are not willing to live with and then follow thru.

June 4, 2015

My view is I would want to know if she did porn or was a hooker. I would want to know if any of the guy"friends" in her persent life were onces sex buddies. Other then that, I wouldn't care.

The horrible part of all this is for those that refuse to share imples that the sexual past is sordid.

Oddly enough those who have had only a handful of lovers seem to have no issue sharing.

June 4, 2015

I think her failure to be forthright about her past history with her various associates constitutes a breach of trust in the present.

I feel this is one of the primary dividing lines on this topic.

At what point does omission of information become deception?

June 4, 2015

My view is I would want to know if she did porn or was a hooker. I would want to know if any of the guy"friends" in her persent life were onces sex buddies. Other then that, I wouldn't care.

This is also my stance.

And when I found out the answer to those questions, I cared. More than I thought I would in fact.

But in my mind that doesn't negate the importance of divulging that information.

Edited June 4, 2015 by deadelvis

June 4, 2015

I have a friend in the UK who was involved in the soft-core world of the porn industry. She had some pretty lurid tales to tell and got tired of it and got herself tested to the max once she extricated herself from it. She both enjoyed the attention but didn't like the attention, all at once. I'm going to guess my friend was, "the thin end of the wedge". In the UK that means, the lesser end of the bigger picture.

June 4, 2015

This is also my stance.

And when I found out the answer to those questions, I cared. More than I thought I would in fact.

But in my mind that doesn't negate the importance of divulging that information.

Did you make any promises, before hearing the information, about how you would receive it? Promises that you later found yourself reneging on?

June 4, 2015

Oddly enough those who have had only a handful of lovers seem to have no issue sharing.

Actually I'm seeing the opposite trend.

June 4, 2015

IMO, the past is over, and only the present matters, with the following exceptions: if you did something in the past that could be revealed now or in the future that would fall outside the scope of normal expectations (such as doing porn or prostitution), it should be revealed; if you and your current partner are likely to encounter someone who could reveal things about you or with whom you've been sexually intimate, you should make their identity known to your current partner to avoid unpleasant situations arising in the future; if a revelation could cause real or emotional harm to you or your partner, you should strongly consider telling them about it.

Number of partners and prior sex acts are your own business, and you can choose to share them if you wish and feel you can trust your partner to not adversely judge you for them, or develop expectations of future behavior based on your past experiences.

I would tell someone who asked that it is not their business (beyond the exceptions I listed above), and they can choose to accept it or not as they wish. You just know some people can't handle the truth, and perhaps it's best to simply not be in a relationship with them, because if they ever learn what you choose not to disclose, they will judge you and treat you differently even if you've been together for many years.

If someone has a level of expectation about this topic, and you are not in agreement, you need to state that you are not, and mutually decide whether you can live with the difference of opinion and not attempt to pursue the issue.

I would not give more than generalities to such inquiries, such as "I've had enough partners and done enough things to know what I like and do not like or would not like.", or "I've had a few partners but don't know all the things I'd like or not, but some of them I may be willing to at least try if they're something you want to explore."

June 4, 2015

Did you make any promises, before hearing the information, about how you would receive it? Promises that you later found yourself reneging on?

Yes. Unfortunately I did. And it has caused what I fear may be irreparable damage to the relationship, specifically her ability to trust me. Now her decision be forthright about information regarding which of her friends she has slept with has halted as a result. This is what prompted the thread in the first place.

June 4, 2015

IMO, the past is over, and only the present matters, with the following exceptions: if you did something in the past that could be revealed now or in the future that would fall outside the scope of normal expectations (such as doing porn or prostitution), it should be revealed; if you and your current partner are likely to encounter someone who could reveal things about you or with whom you've been sexually intimate, you should make their identity known to your current partner to avoid unpleasant situations arising in the future; if a revelation could cause real or emotional harm to you or your partner, you should strongly consider telling them about it.

In my opinion this sounds like "only tell the truth if you are afraid you will get caught" Which doesn't really seem like a very moral reason for telling the truth. Fear of being exposed is a pretty sad reason to be honest. But that is again, just my opinion.

June 4, 2015

Look, if you're going to get involved with someone who works in the sex industry or not, just don't ask.

There are people on this forum worried that they have had no previous experience fretting about it, "Should I be honest?" and people wondering if they should share all and the folks inbetween wondering.

Maybe just ask your partner in fun/crime/SO, "Does this work for you?" and leave it at that? Anything else seems to be torture.

June 4, 2015

and while we're at it... I believe that a man (or woman) is nothing more than an accumulation of the choices made. I stand behind my decisions, good or bad, and own them without shame or remorse. I will tell anything to anyone, either here on this forum or in real life. My story is an open book. I hide behind nothing. I stand ready and willing to take full responsibilty for my every action, in the eyes of my peers, my partners and Santa Clause himself.

In my opinion this is what makes a man. Accountabity for ones actions.

Edited June 4, 2015 by deadelvis

June 4, 2015

and while we're at it... I believe that a man (or woman) is nothing more than an accumulation of the choices made. I stand behind my decisions, good or bad, and own them without shame or remorse. I will tell anything to anyone, either here on this forum or in real life. My story is an open book. I hide behind nothing. I stand ready and willing to take full responsibilty for my every action, in the eyes of my peers, my partners and Santa Clause himself.

Precisely. I talk about really difficult stuff sometimes. I'm not ashamed.

June 4, 2015

Precisely. I talk about really difficult stuff sometimes. I'm not ashamed.

Sometimes that means being prepared to defend your actions. Part of the reason I think I'm in this mess is I feel like my SO is unwilling to defend her actions. When I seem "judging" of her actions, rather than defending her choices she simply closes off and say's things like "I'm never telling you anything again, since you just hold it against me"

I want to just say "defend your actions woman! be honest and unapologetic, don't hide behind a veil of secrets, stand proud and own your story!"

June 4, 2015

and while we're at it... I believe that a man (or woman) is nothing more than an accumulation of the choices made. I stand behind my decisions, good or bad, and own them without shame or remorse. I will tell anything to anyone, either here on this forum or in real life. My story is an open book. I hide behind nothing. I stand ready and willing to take full responsibilty for my every action, in the eyes of my peers, my partners and Santa Clause himself.

In my opinion this is what makes a man. Accountabity for ones actions.

I for one would never confess my, "body count." It doesn't make me untrustworthy, it means I'm aware of my status as a woman. I may be feminist at heart but I understand it does me no favours to have made my own choices and own those choices in the eyes of the men I date, however honest they want me to be.

June 4, 2015

Sometimes that means being prepared to defend your actions. Part of the reason I think I'm in this mess is I feel like my SO is unwilling to defend her actions. When I seem "judging" of her actions, rather than defending her choices she simply closes off and say's things like "I'm never telling you anything again, since you just hold it against me"
I want to just say "defend your actions woman! be honest and unapologetic, don't hide behind a veil of secrets, stand proud and own your story!"

But do you really think that women who sleep with a lot of men are strong? I'm asking because usually there are a lot of utter bastards in those equations. Do you think that a confident woman who values herself allows herself to be treated that way? I wouldn't have thougt so.

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How much information about your sexual history should you share with SO?

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