How much information about your sexual history should you share with SO?

June 4, 2015

First let me say I'm sorry for beating this topic to death but this has become a big point of contention between me and my SO. I would like to get some feedback here on what is an appropriate level of disclosure regarding past sexual partners and practices.

I've noticed two extremely opposing views on this. Some people believe in a firm "don't ask, don't tell" policy and consider each person's past to be irrelevant and off-limits for discussion. The past is the past. It's none of your business.

The other school of thought seems to be one of complete transparency and disclosure. In a relationship there are no secrets. My life is an open book. Sharing your past history allows you to better understand your partner and their life experiences.

I think both of these approaches has it's pro's and con's, and a healthy relationship would probably fall somewhere between the two. Obviously writing out a detailed description of ones entire sexual history would be way too far, but complete secrecy is obviously equally unhealthy. Both extremes reflect a lack of trust in the relationship.

My question is where do you personally draw the line?

If you had past sexual relations with a friend, colleague, or associate would that be considered pertinent information?

What about aquaintances... facebook friends?

The waitress at a restaurant? Strangers in a bar? Bumping into someone at the supermarket?

Where do you draw the line?

Some people have suggested that any sexual partner within one year preceding the start of the relationship should be disclosed to the current partner.

What about sexual practices?

Should you feel obligated to inform your partner of details in your past which fall into the catagory of questionable or promiscuous behavior?

Should you discuss numbers of partners? Specific sexual acts you have participated in? Threesomes? Orgies?

Most people would agree that if you were involved in the sex trade (prostitution, porn etc.) that information should be provided to your partner, but what about lesser sexual deviations? Hiring hookers? Using escorts? Frequenting strip clubs? What constitutes an appropriate amount of disclosure in a trusting relationship?

I realize this is a very subjective topic but any opinion is relevant and appreciated.

Where is the line between honesty, secrecy and oversharing?

Thanks for your replies, and sorry again about beating this topic to death.

My relationship is crumbling due to opposing views on this issue.

June 4, 2015

First let me say I'm sorry for beating this topic to death but this has become a big point of contention between me and my SO. I would like to get some feedback here on what is an appropriate level of disclosure regarding past sexual partners and practices.

I've noticed two extremely opposing views on this. Some people believe in a firm "don't ask, don't tell" policy and consider each person's past to be irrelevant and off-limits for discussion. The past is the past. It's none of your business.

The other school of thought seems to be one of complete transparency and disclosure. In a relationship there are no secrets. My life is an open book. Sharing your past history allows you to better understand your partner and their life experiences.

I think both of these approaches has it's pro's and con's, and a healthy relationship would probably fall somewhere between the two. Obviously writing out a detailed description of ones entire sexual history would be way too far, but complete secrecy is obviously equally unhealthy. Both extremes reflect a lack of trust in the relationship.

My question is where do you personally draw the line?

If you had past sexual relations with a friend, colleague, or associate would that be considered pertinent information?

What about aquaintances... facebook friends?

The waitress at a restaurant? Strangers in a bar? Bumping into someone at the supermarket?

Where do you draw the line?

Some people have suggested that any sexual partner within one year preceding the start of the relationship should be disclosed to the current partner.

What about sexual practices?

Should you feel obligated to inform your partner of details in your past which fall into the catagory of questionable or promiscuous behavior?

Should you discuss numbers of partners? Specific sexual acts you have participated in? Threesomes? Orgies?

Most people would agree that if you were involved in the sex trade (prostitution, porn etc.) that information should be provided to your partner, but what about lesser sexual deviations? Hiring hookers? Using escorts? Frequenting strip clubs? What constitutes an appropriate amount of disclosure in a trusting relationship?

I realize this is a very subjective topic but any opinion is relevant and appreciated.

Where is the line between honesty, secrecy and oversharing?

Thanks for your replies, and sorry again about beating this topic to death.

My relationship is crumbling due to opposing views on this issue.

I'm still not clear on whether you and your SO actually have opposing views on this issue. You said you've talked to her about it and she told you a lot. You just doubt her.

This doesn't sound like a clear-cut case of opposing views to me.

Yes, I agree that a healthy relationship will fall somewhere in the middle. The reason yours seems to be crumbling, though, is because you will never believe her. And maybe with good reason; maybe she is a liar. I really don't know. But this isn't about two people taking an opposing stance on the subject of disclosure, unless something new has happened since your last thread.

You are never ever going to believe her at this point and I think that's the nail in the coffin. You'll only make yourself and her miserable at this point.

Edit: Yeah, I went back and read that thread again to make sure I'm not missing something. I'm not.

I have to tell you, OP, I don't think you're actually being that honest with us (or yourself). You say over and over again that you want full disclosure, but you don't, and I'm willing to bet you don't give it, either. You said in that thread that you thought the stuff you'd done was likely more depraved than your GF, and that's why you don't believe her. (!!! WTF?) You said that you don't care about the number, you just want honesty, but you "don't want a whore", which also seems to be a moving target for you. This is all self-conflicting and kind of sounds like bullshxt. I think the person with the honesty issue here is you; you sound to me like you've got trust issues and you're projecting.

I'm sorry, but I just don't believe you.

Edited June 4, 2015 by serial muse

June 4, 2015

Well I was hoping to keep this thread more general, rather than specific to my relationship because I'm really curious what other people consider an appropriate amount of sharing.

But regarding my relationship...

We started out with full disclosure and transparency. Some of the information she shared really hit me hard and caused issues of jealousy and insecurity. This caused some serious issues in the relationship. We worked through it but now she feels uncomfortable sharing any information about her past for fear of judgement or me having a jealous reaction. So now we have a complete non-disclosure policy. The problem however is now that she doesn't share any information about her past I find myself losing trust. Just recently I discovered that another one of her "friends" was in fact a sexual partner. I felt betrayed that she hadn't told me about her sexual history with this person, who she has regular contact with, but she feels like given my previous reactions to her disclosures, I am no longer entitled to any information about her previous partners. So we went from one extreme to the other. From complete transparency to complete secrecy. And as a result I have felt myself go from jealous and insecure to distrusting and suspicious. Both sides of the coin have had negative repercussions.

June 4, 2015

You shouldn't ever discuss numbers. You can say "Not that much," or "the normal amount." Shut up about numbers. It's not anybody's business and has no bearing on the now.

June 4, 2015

And if this relationship doesn't work out (it seems to be imploding rapidly) I would like to get an idea of what "normal couples" share with each other, so I can prevent this disaster next time around.

June 4, 2015

It comes up differently with different people but agree that the middle road is best. Usually discussion centers around the adventure-level of the person, more unusual experiences (don't necessarily mean kinky) inter-racial dating, different cultures, etc. i don't think I've ever discussed numbers after my first two boyfriends when I was young. My guess is that most men I've been with have had an average number of partners for their age. Never checked.

June 4, 2015

And if this relationship doesn't work out (it seems to be imploding rapidly) I would like to get an idea of what "normal couples" share with each other, so I can prevent this disaster next time around.

Well, one thought I'd have is that you sound like you're discovering your own boundaries as you go - with the unfortunate side effect that they're getting applied to your current SO in a kind of "grandfathered-in" way. It seems like perhaps you thought you were extremely open-minded - but it turns out you've got some real sticking points that you didn't know you had before (those things she disclosed - as you wanted her to! - that started off the phases of insecurity and jealousy for you).

So this is something useful to know about yourself before dating someone seriously - learning to recognize the things that you won't be able to shrug off.

And, perhaps even more importantly, to accept that you have those boundaries. You sound very conflicted about it. I suspect that you have a perception of yourself, based on your own sexual past, as someone really sexually free - but perhaps that has turned out to be not quite as true as you thought it was - and that's OK, you know. There's no right or wrong. But if you know what your boundaries are ahead of time, you (and a future partner) are a lot less likely to be blindsided by them.

By the way, characterizing people who are sexually freer as "whores" - especially given your own admittedly promiscuous past - is part of what makes you sound so conflicted and confused, not to mention hypocritically angry at your current SO. Do you really want to go that way? It's one thing to say "I don't think she's being honest with me". It's another to say "I worry that she's a whore." Really?

Edited June 4, 2015 by serial muse

June 4, 2015

I think other than current STD status, no partner is *entitled* to any other information.

But I guess in general conversation you do get an idea of the type of person you are dating, by, like Emilia referenced, the "adventure-level". Those things tend to come up.

June 4, 2015

Right. I was trying to keep this thread more general and less specific to my relationship, but it's worth noting that her disclosures were a bit beyond the realm of what most people would consider normal. Hence my reaction. And my current feelings of mistrust are the result of trying to reconcile her extremely promiscuous and unfaithful history with her assertions that I have absolutely no reason not to trust her.

June 4, 2015

If you weren't there, it's none of your business.

June 4, 2015

This is a touchy topic because everyone has such huge differences of opinion on it.

As for me, I have no objection telling my entire sexual history to my partner. One thing I noticed about relationships is that they get formed on an image of who you may be and not what you really are on the surface.

So I have women showing moderate interest in me with them thinking I am already sexual experienced (because to them, I am attractive) when, in essence, I am really a 28-year old virgin and I don't even know what a vagina looks like let alone what to do with it.

Lastly, I certainly don't want to continue carrying an image that is certainly false so I have no problem sharing my lack of sexual knowledge to her and letting her decide if she wants to continue with it. If she wants to end it as a result, I respect it and would actually prefer it. At least it was done because I was honest with her and not because I want the experience so bad I am willing to lie as a result.

I feel the same way to women that I may date in the near future. For me, smoking of any kind is a deal breaker to me. So seeing a woman that I get into a relationship with me who rather hide that fact from me just to keep me as opposed to telling me and risk losing me is not the kind of woman I ultimately is looking for so knowing as much about her as possible will certainly help me make the best decision I can in whether or not the relationship will stand the test of time.

So I am all for sharing each other pasts but only if both people can accept it without having to insult one another. However, finding such people is so difficult that I don't blame them for keeping it hidden instead.

June 4, 2015

RLs that mattered if it came up in conversation and if it was important to him, especially how or why they ended; no specifics, no numbers, no comparing. I don't want to know about stuff that happened before I was around, and I don't like discussing my past.

June 4, 2015

Right. I was trying to keep this thread more general and less specific to my relationship, but it's worth noting that her disclosures were a bit beyond the realm of what most people would consider normal. Hence my reaction. And my current feelings of mistrust are the result of trying to reconcile her extremely promiscuous and unfaithful history with her assertions that I have absolutely no reason not to trust her.

It's important that two people are comfortable with the same thing, that their attitude towards intimacy is similar. I prefer to know if a man has different expectations from what I'm comfortable with because I'd rather not get involved in the first place and fight his disappointment. And vica versa. So I'm happy to have conversations about it. Numbers don't really come up though.

June 4, 2015

It's not a big deal for me personally. I just can't get worked up about it and I don't really have a "stance" or "draw the line" anywhere. If it comes up I have no problem discussing it, but it's not like a feel the need to lead with the info.

I'd be a little concerned if someone absolutely refused to discuss their sexual past ....as about as concerned as I'd be if they felt an absolute need to discuss it.

June 4, 2015

If you had past sexual relations with a friend, colleague, or associate would that be considered pertinent information?

What about aquaintances... facebook friends?

The waitress at a restaurant? Strangers in a bar? Bumping into someone at the supermarket?

Where do you draw the line?

Some people have suggested that any sexual partner within one year preceding the start of the relationship should be disclosed to the current partner.

Nobody really answered any of these questions. Any opinions on this?

June 4, 2015

Nobody really answered any of these questions.

If you had past sexual relations with a friend, colleague, or associate would that be considered pertinent information?

What about aquaintances... facebook friends?

The waitress at a restaurant? Strangers in a bar? Bumping into someone at the supermarket?

Where do you draw the line?

Some people have suggested that any sexual partner within one year preceding the start of the relationship should be disclosed to the current partner.

Any opinions on this?

If you had past sexual relations with a friend, colleague, or associate would that be considered pertinent information?

No, why should it be?

What about aquaintances... facebook friends?

I only have 28, and most of those are relatives, or very good married friends. I don't make anyone a friend if they don't actually mean that much to me....

The waitress at a restaurant? Strangers in a bar? Bumping into someone at the supermarket?

Having sex in those places is a little public, don't you think?

Everyone has a job when you meet them. So what if they were a waiter/waitress? Sex really is just sex, after all.

where do you draw the line?

Anyone not human is pretty much off limits. And as I'm personally strictly hetero, I prefer male partners to female. But that's just me....

June 4, 2015

I don't feel that I have anything to hide or be ashamed of. I tell about the major relationships and admit to a few short-term flings. It has never been a big deal.

Problems probably arise when people are being deceptive and their mate can sense the deception. It's hard to have a solid relationship when you introduce distrust into it.

June 4, 2015

Nobody really answered any of these questions. Any opinions on this?

I don't understand. You mean telling a guy I had slept with a colleague I still worked with? If we got into a relationship then I think I would. Never been in that situation. I'm friends with my ex husband and I know his girlfriend. I'm very open about that with men I date from the start.

June 4, 2015

I mean if you had a sexual history with people in your group of friends, colleagues etc. should you disclose that to your partner?

In general I think if you have a sexual history with any of your friends or colleagues that information should be disclosed to your partner. Finding out her "best friend" or "best friends" in our case were in fact FWB's shed a new light on things. I would have felt very betrayed without that information.

If you are at the supermarket (or wherever) with your SO and you bump into an old sexual partner, you say hi, chat for a minute and part ways. Do you mention to your SO that you used to date/sleep with that person or just keep that information to yourself?

On a date once the waitress came over to our table and I realized it was a woman I had a sexual history with. As I was on a date we both pretended to be strangers. I kinda felt I had an obligation to inform my SO of the sexual history between myself and the waitress. Should I have told her or not?

Also I feel like time frame is somehow relevant. If it was someone you had relations with a long time ago it's less petinent, but if you are still in close communication with someone you were sleeping with 6 months ago that's a bit more significant.

Edited June 4, 2015 by deadelvis

June 4, 2015

I mean if you had a sexual history with people in your group of friends, colleagues etc. should you disclose that to your partner?

Why should that be important or relevant?

If you are at the supermarket (or wherever) with your SO and you bump into an old sexual partner, you say hi, chat for a minute and part ways. Do you mention to your SO that you used to date/sleep with that person or just keep that information to yourself?

Why would that be any of my partner's business? What difference would it make?

On a date once the waitress came over to our table and I realized it was a woman I had a sexual history with. As I was on a date we both pretended to be strangers. I kinda felt I had an obligation to inform my SO of the sexual history between myself and the waitress. Should I have told her or not?

Why did you feel obligated? If you both left it aside and just behaved like normal people would, where's the issue?

Also I feel like time frame is somehow relevant. If it was someone you had relations with a long time ago it's less petinent, but if you are still in close communication with someone you were sleeping with 6 months ago that's a bit more significant

.I still fail to understand why all of this matters.

Sex, is sex, is sex. It's just a carnal connection, and only means or signifies what the person involved deems it to do.

Anyone else - it's neither their business, nor their problem.

Why make an issue of something that happened when you were never even on the scene?

June 4, 2015

i dont think you should take about it i would throw up by the thougt of him with another women i think (even in the past), focus on now and be happy that those other things are dead and buried:cool:

June 4, 2015

I mean if you had a sexual history with people in your group of friends, colleagues etc. should you disclose that to your partner?

If you are at the supermarket (or wherever) with your SO and you bump into an old sexual partner, you say hi, chat for a minute and part ways. Do you mention to your SO that you used to date/sleep with that person or just keep that information to yourself?

On a date once the waitress came over to our table and I realized it was a woman I had a sexual history with. As I was on a date we both pretended to be strangers. I kinda felt I had an obligation to inform my SO of the sexual history between myself and the waitress. Should I have told her or not?

Also I feel like time frame is somehow relevant. If it was someone you had relations with a long time ago it's less petinent, but if you are still in close communication with someone you were sleeping with 6 months ago that's a bit more significant.

Yes I would say something, I never treat former lovers like strangers. Since I tend to know where they are and what they are up to, I'm not likely to bump into them. I would say something, when it was going on and I'd expect the other person get over it. Like I said, unlikely scenario in my case.

I would find it cool if the guy treated that waitress with respect and told me the situation. I've had men warn me in advance of bumping into women or hearing about stuff even at the beginning of dating and I thought that was cool.

Guess time frame is relevant.

June 4, 2015

but as you write if it is somebody still hanging around you somehow in your lives, it should probably be mentioned, even if it will lead to jealousy,

June 4, 2015

Nobody really answered any of these questions. Any opinions on this?

No partner is entitled to know who I've slept with. And you can bet your ass I'll do my best that they never ever find out. It's none of their business.

But I don't pretend to not know people. And if it was a significant ex boyfriend, I might disclose it.

I am friends and bump into several people I have had sex with. Because I don't tend to sleep with random strangers. So it stands to reason those people might still show up in my life. But I will still not announce it to a current partner if it ever happens.

June 4, 2015

I appreciate the differences in opinions. I can't help but observe that people with a more extensive sexual history lean toward non-disclosure while those with a less extensive sexual history lean toward complete transparency. I could make an observation on this but it would be redundant.

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How much information about your sexual history should you share with SO?

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