Jessie1231 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 I posted this in dating because I'm not certain I'm having an affair, but I think there is a chance. I've been seeing this guy since December. We aren't really official, but we are only dating each other - I think. I went to his company Christmas party last year, I've met plenty of his friends, he's asked me to meet his family (his siblings and parents, so far no kids which is ok by me). We are long distance, but we see each other once or twice a month with me flying up to visit him or us going on trips together. He's originally from where I live, but he moved for work not long after he separated. His divorce is supposed to be final in two months, has been separated for ten. He's physically separated, that much I'm sure of, but today I found that maybe that's the only kind of separation there is. I was looking for something on his counter and found a card from his wife. From the way she wrote, it doesn't sound at all like she thinks they are divorcing. Lots of I miss you and I love you. So of course I had to look some more. I found an entire box of cards and letters she has given him over the past few years that they have been physically separated due to work. A lot of the cards were from his kids and I understand saving those, but why are there so many loving cards and letters from this woman he's about to divorce? Why does she seem oblivious to the fact they are divorcing? I'm not sure what to do. I'm at his place alone until he gets back in a bit. I can't tell him I snooped because I'll sound like a psycho which I feel like right this second. But I can't stay in this relationship with someone when I feel like the whole thing may have been a lie. On the one hand, he's not keeping me a secret from his friends and family, but now I'm feeling like I'm a placeholder while he's physically separated from his wife. I'm so confused. I'm thinking I should just take a break from it all and let him get his life straight before I even consider being involved in it. I guess I just wanted to explain to a bunch of strangers who can hopefully tell me that is the right thing or come up with other options. Thanks!
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 He's going through a divorce, things can be messy. I doubt you're the OW, but definitely a rebound for sure. 3
Lois_Griffin Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Ugh. He's probably more than likely given her the idea that a reconciliation is still a possibility. People separate and then reconsider getting back together all the time. It sounds as though this may be happening between he and his wife. I know darned well when I was separated but not yet divorced from my husband (it was very amicable between us) I STILL wasn't writing cards to him declaring my love for him and telling him I miss him, that's for sure. You may be a rebound and it's also possible you're Plan B should this reconciliation not occur between the two of them. Why can't you simply tell him you were looking for a pad or a pen (or whatever it was that you were looking for) and came across the card from his wife and it would appear that maybe there's more to their supposed upcoming divorce than perhaps he's shared with you? The element of surprise at being asked that question when he wasn't expecting it might work in your favor - sometimes you can see the truth all over their faces before they have a chance to regroup and think of something to say. Sometimes they'll just blurt out the truth before they realize what they're doing. But I will say if he ends up ranting and raving instead about you spying on him, then that will be a clear answer that he's deflecting and angry at having been caught. 4
Popsicle Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Sounds like he's leading both of you on. And since he is still officially married to her then yes that makes you the other woman. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 I posted this in dating because I'm not certain I'm having an affair, but I think there is a chance. I've been seeing this guy since December. We aren't really official, but we are only dating each other - I think. I went to his company Christmas party last year, I've met plenty of his friends, he's asked me to meet his family (his siblings and parents, so far no kids which is ok by me). We are long distance, but we see each other once or twice a month with me flying up to visit him or us going on trips together. He's originally from where I live, but he moved for work not long after he separated. His divorce is supposed to be final in two months, has been separated for ten. He's physically separated, that much I'm sure of, but today I found that maybe that's the only kind of separation there is. I was looking for something on his counter and found a card from his wife. From the way she wrote, it doesn't sound at all like she thinks they are divorcing. Lots of I miss you and I love you. So of course I had to look some more. I found an entire box of cards and letters she has given him over the past few years that they have been physically separated due to work. A lot of the cards were from his kids and I understand saving those, but why are there so many loving cards and letters from this woman he's about to divorce? Why does she seem oblivious to the fact they are divorcing? I'm not sure what to do. I'm at his place alone until he gets back in a bit. I can't tell him I snooped because I'll sound like a psycho which I feel like right this second. But I can't stay in this relationship with someone when I feel like the whole thing may have been a lie. On the one hand, he's not keeping me a secret from his friends and family, but now I'm feeling like I'm a placeholder while he's physically separated from his wife. I'm so confused. I'm thinking I should just take a break from it all and let him get his life straight before I even consider being involved in it. I guess I just wanted to explain to a bunch of strangers who can hopefully tell me that is the right thing or come up with other options. Thanks! I've met plenty of his friends - I'd say those friends don't know he's married. Are they friends he's met since he moved from your city? If you're going there to see him, you're only meeting friends he's made there. And, you haven't met the family yet it appears, so you don't know if he's keeping you a secret from them. He can say he wants you to meet them all he wants, but until it happens, you don't know anything. We are long distance, but we see each other once or twice a month with me flying up to visit him or us going on trips together -- I find it odd that you only go there. He doesn't come back to the city he used to live in to see you maybe because he isn't divorcing and doesn't want to risk anyone he knows seeing you two together. This scenario is really sketchy. I wouldn't go to visit him anymore. Ask him to come to you. See how he responds. If I were you, I'd end it anyway. If he is divorcing, it will be quite sometime before he can have a healthy relationship anyway. 2
minime13 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 For future reference: don't date married men who are separated. First, the relationship won't work. It will eventually end because they're still dealing with a spouse. Even if they are in the process of divorce, it's too soon to have any kind of healthy relationship. You'll always be a rebound of some sort if they haven't finalized their previous relationship. Even if they've been separated for years. Separation for more than a year is troublesome, because you have the question - why are you not already divorced? But, you're in this relationship right now, so none of this advice helps your current situation. So, the cards... I don't know about everyone, but I wouldn't hold onto cards from an ex that I was removing from my life - especially the ones being sent while we're in the process of moving on from each other. Cards are sentimental and meaningful, and if he still feels the need to hold onto them, then it doesn't appear that he's moved on yet. Where did you find the first card? If it was in a place where you could say you were looking for something and ran across it, I would do that. Maybe there is a reasonable explanation for him holding onto these things, or maybe he's still not detached from his marriage. Either way, he needs to open up about it. FWIW, everybody snoops. I don't care what people say. Some people take it far, but everyone does some kind of probing around when alone at their SO's house. We don't come out and admit to it, but don't feel bad for a little shuffling around with papers. 1
Author Jessie1231 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 Thanks everyone. I found the first card on his counter under some other papers which drove me to some heavy duty snooping where I found a whole stash of other cards. Anyway, I have decided to remove myself from their situation, whatever their situation is. I could talk to him about it, but if he's been lying then he will just keep that up probably. No more dating separated men. If he really is divorcing, then maybe something will happen in the future. If not, at least I was able to figure it out before I totally wrecked a marriage I guess. But thank you all! 3
writergal Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 (edited) Thanks everyone. I found the first card on his counter under some other papers which drove me to some heavy duty snooping where I found a whole stash of other cards. Anyway, I have decided to remove myself from their situation, whatever their situation is. I could talk to him about it, but if he's been lying then he will just keep that up probably. No more dating separated men. If he really is divorcing, then maybe something will happen in the future. If not, at least I was able to figure it out before I totally wrecked a marriage I guess. But thank you all! I think moving on is definitely the best decision for you to do. Dating a separated man is like automatically putting yourself in the placeholder position in his life. He doesn't have to move forward towards a commitment with you, since he is technically still married and could reconcile with his wife. I consider dating a separated man one of the black holes in dating. Nothing that ever falls into a black hole can ever escape out of it; except when you are near the black hole's horizon, you are safe from being pulled inside it. I'd say you were on the horizon and have just realized the consequences for yourself if you "fell in" (love) with your LDR married boyfriend. Dating a married man not yet separated is an event horizon that can end just as badly as the Edited June 4, 2015 by writergal
Gary S Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Just because she has feelings for him does not mean he has feelings for her. Their feelings are separate. However, people fresh out of divorce are typically on the rebound and not ready for a serious relationship yet, they are a bad risk. 2
kdgsupermom Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I am sorry you are going through this. You sound like a very intelligent woman who deserves unconditional love and a committed marriage. That would be hard to accomplish with a man who is already married. Sometimes I think it is important to look at how a man treats the previous woman. Its a good chance the next will receive the same treatment. Maybe time away will open the door to a better fulfilling relationship with no strings attached. Good luck kdgsupermom
mystikmind2005 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Speaking as a 'separated' man myself, i don't consider myself to be a 'bad risk' at all. Although in my situation, before the separation, there was no 'intimacy' for about 2 years - we were basically just room mates resenting each other. So i don't know what it will be like for a separated man who was intimately and emotionally involved with his wife within a year after separation?
Popsicle Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Speaking as a 'separated' man myself, i don't consider myself to be a 'bad risk' at all. Although in my situation, before the separation, there was no 'intimacy' for about 2 years - we were basically just room mates resenting each other. This is what they all say, even the ones who go back. Seriously, all of them. So how is a single person supposed to know the difference?
Redhead14 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 This is what they all say, even the ones who go back. Seriously, all of them. So how is a single person supposed to know the difference? Yes, very often a recently separated or divorced man or woman will think they are ready and a good risk, but the truth is usually they aren't for quite some time. That being said, some people can and do move on fairly quickly and the only way the person they are dating can know that is by dating them, observing whether they keep good, consistent contact/communication, are seeing you regularly and it's clear they are focused. Until all that is in place, you don't invest yourself emotionally and manage your expectations. 1
Author Jessie1231 Posted June 6, 2015 Author Posted June 6, 2015 Update - I confronted him with the first card I found laying on his counter. His explanation made sense and matched with the other cards I found in his house. He said that he was going through with the divorce but that his wife was still against it and had taken to sending cards. The last one was at Valentine's which matches with what I found with my hard core digging which I didn't mention to him. Anyway, I won't be seeing him anymore and explained that to him. He understood. It wasn't some big dramatic ending and I'm sure we will remain friends as we have been for years. Once his divorce is final and he's had some time on his own, maybe we could try again. He's a nice guy and I don't think he did this on purpose. I think his life is just a bit of a mess right now and I got involved in that. And I'm sure some separated guys are great to date, but based on this experience I think it's something I'll avoid from now on. 2
SoleMate Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Just because she has feelings for him does not mean he has feelings for her. Their feelings are separate. True. Her sending the card does not say anything about his feelings. However, the fact that he SAVED the card proves clearly that her affection matters to him. Otherwise, he'd throw it away. Bottom line, this man is not free for OP and she has done the right thing by deciding to move on.
preraph Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Sounds like he's just taken a job away from his family but has no intentions of separating or being divorced. He's just screwing around with you. Just because he took a job in a different city doesn't mean they are separated. He's lying to you.
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