How do I stop being insecure about my boyfriend?

[ird]

Hello LS, hope you are all having a nice morning, evening or afternoon.

 

Last night I had a fight with my boyfriend over something pretty stupid, as of late I've had a lot of bloat weight from bad eating habits/combined with me taking estrogen pills for an issue I have. Anyway, I haven't been feeling too sexy lately and am pretty bloated in my face/legs/stomach. I asked my boyfriend over the phone "Would you break up with me if I got fat?" and he said yes.

 

I couldn't believe what he said because I felt he had no place to say that since he isn't exactly Adonis however I still love him and think he's the hottest guy on Earth. I told him that if he got fat (and he used to be around 300lbs, now he's around 200 i believe?) that I would support him and help him get healthy. I don't understand why he would break up with me over something so superficial. I wouldn't try to get fat on purpose and I told him that.

 

I know that I (or both of us) were in the wrong and this fight was pointless but it happened and escalated. My boyfriend went on to say that we always fight about my insecurities(?) for example he posted a stupid picture on a social media app and I got mad because I took it in the wrong context. I always seem to get upset when he says something I don't like. I think I'm a bit controlling as when he says something that upsets me I try to get him to change what he said. I realize my problems but I don't know how to fix them.

 

Anyway he's getting very fed up, understandably, and wants to talk later once he wakes up(he works the nightshift so he usually wakes up around 5 PM, we don't live together btw.) I know I have to try and improve myself and try not to be such a crazy you-know-what. I'll understand if he breaks up with me or wants a break. We've been together since early January.

 

The thing is, I'm fairly depressed(does it also sound like I have BPD?) and I find it incredibly easy to fall into self-loathing which leads to me and my BF fighting since he takes it as insecurity coming from me. I just don't know what to do short of going to therapy(which I have to get sorted out eventually and go, I know.) I refuse to take depression meds or any medication that messes with your brain/emotions, I've never been diagnosed by a doctor/offered a prescription though.

 

Regardless, I was going to go visit my BF this weekend and after this fight I'm not sure it'll happen. He lives an hour away by the way, but we see each other every other weekend or so when our work schedules allow us.

 

I guess I'm just venting here but what I'm trying to say is, how do i stop being insecure? I do trust my BF and love him, and I know the feelings are mutual. I believe he would never cheat on me. How do I stop getting so depressed when he says things I don't like? I really don't understand my own brain sometimes.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Krieger]

Hello LS, hope you are all having a nice morning, evening or afternoon.

 

Last night I had a fight with my boyfriend over something pretty stupid, as of late I've had a lot of bloat weight from bad eating habits/combined with me taking estrogen pills for an issue I have. Anyway, I haven't been feeling too sexy lately and am pretty bloated in my face/legs/stomach. I asked my boyfriend over the phone "Would you break up with me if I got fat?" and he said yes.

 

I couldn't believe what he said because I felt he had no place to say that since he isn't exactly Adonis however I still love him and think he's the hottest guy on Earth. I told him that if he got fat (and he used to be around 300lbs, now he's around 200 i believe?) that I would support him and help him get healthy. I don't understand why he would break up with me over something so superficial. I wouldn't try to get fat on purpose and I told him that.

 

I know that I (or both of us) were in the wrong and this fight was pointless but it happened and escalated. My boyfriend went on to say that we always fight about my insecurities(?) for example he posted a stupid picture on a social media app and I got mad because I took it in the wrong context. I always seem to get upset when he says something I don't like. I think I'm a bit controlling as when he says something that upsets me I try to get him to change what he said. I realize my problems but I don't know how to fix them.

 

Anyway he's getting very fed up, understandably, and wants to talk later once he wakes up(he works the nightshift so he usually wakes up around 5 PM, we don't live together btw.) I know I have to try and improve myself and try not to be such a crazy you-know-what. I'll understand if he breaks up with me or wants a break. We've been together since early January.

 

The thing is, I'm fairly depressed(does it also sound like I have BPD?) and I find it incredibly easy to fall into self-loathing which leads to me and my BF fighting since he takes it as insecurity coming from me. I just don't know what to do short of going to therapy(which I have to get sorted out eventually and go, I know.) I refuse to take depression meds or any medication that messes with your brain/emotions, I've never been diagnosed by a doctor/offered a prescription though.

 

Regardless, I was going to go visit my BF this weekend and after this fight I'm not sure it'll happen. He lives an hour away by the way, but we see each other every other weekend or so when our work schedules allow us.

 

I guess I'm just venting here but what I'm trying to say is, how do i stop being insecure? I do trust my BF and love him, and I know the feelings are mutual. I believe he would never cheat on me. How do I stop getting so depressed when he says things I don't like? I really don't understand my own brain sometimes.

 

Thanks for reading.

'

Borderline Personality Disorder Symptoms | Psych Central

[smackie9]

If you know you are feeling this way, stop putting your BF on the whipping post. Keep your communication down to a min with him, and find ways to relax. Take a hot bath, burn some scented candles, listen to some music, do some stretches, etc. Focusing on relaxation will lessen your symptoms.

[mammasita]

The only way to stop feeling insecure about your BF is to feel secure about YOURSELF.

 

Work on that and everything will fall into place.

[ird]

If you know you are feeling this way, stop putting your BF on the whipping post. Keep your communication down to a min with him, and find ways to relax. Take a hot bath, burn some scented candles, listen to some music, do some stretches, etc. Focusing on relaxation will lessen your symptoms.

 

I will definitely try this, thank you very much. But sometimes I just find it so hard not to get mad and express that anger/insecurities to them. I believe that I'll take those feelings and try to vent them out to another friend rather than my BF. Thank you

[ird]

The only way to stop feeling insecure about your BF is to feel secure about YOURSELF.

 

Work on that and everything will fall into place.

 

Thank you but this is something I also struggle with, I'm told by many family members that I'm insecure about myself and have no self-confidence. The thing is I don't understand this. I feel fine about myself, I feel good about my outward appearance and I can talk to people/strangers with ease. I used to not be able to do any of these things. I'm not always sure what I'm insecure about within myself.

[losangelena]

OK, well it was a pretty sh*tty thing of him to say, that he'd leave you if you got fat. However, is that actually true? Would he really?

 

What did he say when you called him out? Did he eventually apologize and say he didn't mean it?

 

When he says something you don't like, do you react negatively right away? Can you give yourself a moment to pause and consider your reaction before saying anything? Also, if you feel like his answer to something might spike your insecurity, maybe refrain from asking it. I know in a perfect world, his response to your question would be, "of course not, I'd love you at any size," but this isn't a perfect world.

 

I don't know if there's an easy answer for how to get over your insecurity. Do you think it's stemming more from your anxiety or more from the things he does? Because, if you know in your heart of hearts that he does love you, and that he doesn't mean the things that displease you, then maybe try and bite your tongue when you can. Pick your battles; no one likes dating a control freak. Plus, getting into the habit of not reacting, of not demanding that he change what he says, will help foster a sense of security within you—you can either accept the things he says/does, or not.

 

Feeling secure comes from within yourself. You can't expect him to make you feel secure, because true security comes when you know that you're going to be OK, no matter what he says, regardless of whether or not he's in your life. Remember, if he says enough stupid sh*t, there's no reason why YOU'RE obligated to stay with him.

 

On a side note, as a mental health care advocate, I recommend getting yourself squared away in that department. Stop diagnosing yourself (we can't tell you if you have BPD) and let a doctor do it. Get the care you need. As someone who shoved off therapy for many years, I can tell you it makes a huge difference. I've had friends who, for a long time, flat-out refused to take meds, and when they finally did, they regretted waiting so long. The choices in mental health care are numerous. Find what works for you and do it. You, and your loved ones, will only benefit.

[ird]

OK, well it was a pretty sh*tty thing of him to say, that he'd leave you if you got fat. However, is that actually true? Would he really?

 

What did he say when you called him out? Did he eventually apologize and say he didn't mean it?

 

When he says something you don't like, do you react negatively right away? Can you give yourself a moment to pause and consider your reaction before saying anything? Also, if you feel like his answer to something might spike your insecurity, maybe refrain from asking it. I know in a perfect world, his response to your question would be, "of course not, I'd love you at any size," but this isn't a perfect world.

 

I don't know if there's an easy answer for how to get over your insecurity. Do you think it's stemming more from your anxiety or more from the things he does? Because, if you know in your heart of hearts that he does love you, and that he doesn't mean the things that displease you, then maybe try and bite your tongue when you can. Pick your battles; no one likes dating a control freak. Plus, getting into the habit of not reacting, of not demanding that he change what he says, will help foster a sense of security within you—you can either accept the things he says/does, or not.

 

Feeling secure comes from within yourself. You can't expect him to make you feel secure, because true security comes when you know that you're going to be OK, no matter what he says, regardless of whether or not he's in your life. Remember, if he says enough stupid sh*t, there's no reason why YOU'RE obligated to stay with him.

 

On a side note, as a mental health care advocate, I recommend getting yourself squared away in that department. Stop diagnosing yourself (we can't tell you if you have BPD) and let a doctor do it. Get the care you need. As someone who shoved off therapy for many years, I can tell you it makes a huge difference. I've had friends who, for a long time, flat-out refused to take meds, and when they finally did, they regretted waiting so long. The choices in mental health care are numerous. Find what works for you and do it. You, and your loved ones, will only benefit.

 

Thank you for the long, insightful reply.

 

He actually mentioned later in the fight that he wouldn't dump me if I gained weight and went on to say that he can't deal with my insecurities. Which I understand. My insecurities are definitely without any doubt coming from my anxiety, which has been bad my whole young adult/teen life. I started getting anxious when I was around 12 maybe and it peaked in highschool when I was around 16. Now it's quite controlled.

 

I definitely get mad/insecure immediately after he says these things which throws me through a loop of hating myself for some reason I can't grasp yet. I do believe I need to learn how to hold my tongue in these stupid situations and vent my feelings elsewhere far far away from BF.

 

Once again thank you very much, you may have just helped me save a good part of my relationship.