Maverick27 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Hello again guys! Some of you will know my story, some of you will not - so i'll try and give a little back ground. The general theme is guilt projection and self esteem. This post me be a little bit of rant, but just wanting to see if anyone else feels like this. So, my ex girlfriend of 1.3 years that lived with me, cheated on me, lied about it for weeks and then left me for the other guy. During this period of time, she inadventantly destroyed my self-esteem and made me feel like a generally horrible person - this in turn made me think i'll never get another girl again, which resulted in me grobbling to get her back over a period of 2 months, even though she had entered a new relationship with the guy she cheated on me with. Pathetic, i know. What im struggling with, is that if she didnt destroy myself self esteem by her disgusting behavourior and telling me all the things that are bad about me and how good her new guy treats her - there is no way i would have wanted her back. When you get rejected, all you want to do is to repair your ego by trying to get back the one that rejected you. Over the last couple of days i've been really thinking on it, and im genuinly glad she is out of my life and would never want to be with her again. However, im stuck on the fact that i gave her such an ago boost by grovelling etc when it wasnt her i wanted back, it was my self respect - which ironically further and further got destroyed by trying to get back with her. Cheating is such a horrible thing to do to a person. I know what everyone will say, "who cares what she thinks" - well i do. Mainly because i have to see her at uni every now and then and we have some mutual friends. I want my self respect back. Everytime i start to feel good about myself again, my thoughts of what she thinks of me creep in. I feel like she owns me. Has anyone else felt like this after being cheated on? Is it normal for the cheater to blame you for everything and destroy your selfworth? It's just not fair, ya know? She broke my heart, broke my trust, destroyed my self esteem. Im now failing uni, falling far behind in my finances, look gaunt and unwell - yet she is find and happy in her new relationship. Does she feel guilty? Sorry for the rant.
dyna85 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 All I can assure you is you WILL move past this. I still feel like a moron for having acted quite pathetic when going through a breakup in college, and I cringe when I think back to it, but the feelings have died down throughout the years. If this happened not too long ago, you have a ways to go to feel less crappy about yourself. It's only natural to feel annoyed with yourself, but if you think about it, we all think/act a bit irrationally when we're feeling 'love' emotions, and you make a great point about desperately wanting to salvage your ego. I wouldn't so much as beat yourself up for being in that crazy place shortly after you uncovered the truth, but pat yourself on the back for making progress and now recognizing that she is no good for you. Your self-worth is just a bit bruised right now, but you will heal if you give it time. Emotions fluctuate so don't worry about her thinking she has the upper hand. You came out the winner in this scenario. She will get hers. Not sure that a lying cheat would necessarily feel guilty, but that's precisely the reason why you're better off without her. One day you will look back and be thankful for this situation, as messed up as it feels, because through every struggle we learn and grow. I know this sounds cliche, but it's true. Also, that B doesn't own you. You own yourself and need to take back the control and get your butt moving forward, without delay. There's no turning back now. You're the better person. Remember that. Be strong and keep going and eventually you'll realize everything is gonna be okay.
Jamesdk Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 I doubt she feels guilty. She justified cheating on you and she'll justify telling you terrible things. Cheaters are selfish cowards afraid to break up with someone to avoid dealing w that loss and only looking out for their best interests.
diamondgirl Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 my ex didnt cheat on me, but he did break up with me for some "alone time" and ended up in a new relationship less than three months later. i continued to try to beg, plead, reason of him, remind him of good times, etc. for a couple months even after i heard he had started seeing someone else. so i lost a lot of my self respect as well. what helped me get beyond it was that i finally let it go. i don't know what kind of person your ex is but i know my ex is a good person. i think he genuinely felt badly that he had caused me so much distress and i also felt it was unfair to keep laying the guilt onto him. i decided to be in charge of my own happiness. i made a list of all the things that weren't great in the relationship and i stopped thinking about what he thought. i couldn't change how i behaved after so i just focused on reinventing myself. i worked out a lot, did really well my first year of grad school, changed my hairstyle, made new friends, etc. i cut contact. about 2 months ago (8 months post break up) i met my current boyfriend who i am SO happy with. fast forward to last week, ran into my ex by complete chance. we ended up catching up for a half hour. i looked great, felt great, and told him about my new relationship and all the exciting things i had been up to. i was genuinely happy he seemed happy and he was happy i did too. the past was the past and we both left it there. he knows now that I've moved on, am happy, am in a new relationship, and made a great life for myself. and thats how i redeemed myself after the breakup. i stopped doing things for him and started doing them for me. i think my new boyfriend is 100x better than my ex
DexterLS Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 What do you want in all of this? My cheating ex girlfriend makes me feel like **** too before dumping me but I'm not going to break NC for that. Yes, I begged her to come back like you did too. Stick with NC. You will forget about it soon.
ZiggyZoo Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 I feel ya. When my ex-husband cheated on me and left me for the other woman, my self-esteem was in the toilet too. And he would say sh*t like, "I told you I wasn't happy six months ago. You knew back then and didn't do anything about it". Now I can look back and see what a total as*hole he was, but at the time I completely agreed. It took time to get past it, and a really great therapist. I don't know if your ex is an outright jerk like mine was, but my therapist pointed out that deep down, they know what they're doing is wrong. So they have to treat us like sh*t in order to justify their own actions. And if we get pissed off and bite back, all the better. Then you're the "crazy ex" who is best avoided. Realizing this made me feel better. I also had to really work hard on changing the way I thought about myself. I would find myself just running the same negatives thoughts over and over. I learned to grab one of them, examine it and see if it was really true. WAS I really a terrible wife, and would be alone forever because I didn't deserve anyone? Of course not, and by picking apart the lies that I was telling myself and changing them to positive thoughts, I got my self-esteem back. It takes effort, but listen to what you're telling yourself and change it. It takes time, just like anything. But you'll get there. One day you'll wonder why in the hell you ever gave two sh*ts for what she thought about you anyway. Hang in there.
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