aloneinaz Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 I do feel like she quit the relationship very fast. Like I said earlier she wanted to break up a couple times for different things when we weren't as serious. This has always been a huge red flag for me! Likes it's easier for her to cut and run then it is to work on the relationship. Yup, that is in fact a MAJOR red flag for sure. People who are all in don't want to quit and run anytime there's a bump in the road in a relationship, especially a newer one. I've definitely thought about how pathetic, clingy and desperate I'm coming off as and that's really not who I am. I just wish she would tell me to give her some time and space instead of saying "I'm done" and "you need to move on." Those words hurt soooooo much! Listen, I picked a wrong name for this site. I'm not alone in AZ anymore. We've all been there, begging, pleading, looking exceptionally stupid in hindsight. Don't worry about what you can't change now. Also DON'T put too much in to those words. That all they are. My last crazy ex broke up with me a couple of times. The last time, she said she was done. I put too much meaning into her words. I said "ok" and left. I vanished from her life. She heard NOTHING from me. I met someone else a few month later. Guess what? Her words meant nothing. She reappeared 5 1/2 months later begging for another chance. All her tough guy talk meant nothing as it usually does when people are pissed off. I already knew I didn't want her back and she was told no thanks. You never know, if you don't hear from her again, you may decide she wasn't worth it anyway.
aloneinaz Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 (edited) No. No I won't. Does anyone on here find it suspect that he figured out how to join this online chat but couldn't figure out how to delete his online dating profile until I caught him on it? Thank you to the people who are on my side with this. I'm sorry you feel this way. I also stated that he used extremely poor judgment in what he did. I think he's acknowledged he made a terrible decision. Edited June 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator cleanup
theexgf Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Yup, that is in fact a MAJOR red flag for sure. People who are all in don't want to quit and run anytime there's a bump in the road in a relationship, especially a newer one. Aloneinaz, we had a lot more serious problems than a "bump in the road". However, because I want to be nice, I'm not going to air all our dirty laundry on here. I can assure you this isn't me running away from some small issue. This is from an accumulation of many things that have happened in the past 7 months and the online dating site was the straw that broke the camel's back.
devilish innocent Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 If you knew for a fact that I never cheated would it still be a deal breaker for you? I believe you, but how would she know that? At the least, you've given the impression that you were still interested in trying to find other girls. Regardless, there were other things that suggested that the relationship would have still run into trouble later on. It just wasn't meant to be.
mystikmind2005 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 This was good. This is bad. Very bad. Why the wait? Why did you need "help"? It takes two seconds to kill a dating profile. If I were a female that had been cheated on, while I would not say anything, you can be damn sure I would be watching like a hawk why it still exists... Again, why did you not delete it sooner? There is a root cause of why you decided to log back into it. What is it? It seems to me, that you might not have been 100% all in with her because of the early issues in the relationship. If you were truly all in with her, you would not have cared one bit about any notifications... Take it from someone who has been cheated on; we are extremely in tune with the signals of something not lining up. 2 seconds to deactivate a dating profile?? Believe me, some dating sites are really basted for deactivating an account.... the option is simply nowhere to be found, and that's the way they design it. On more than one occasion i have had to spend hours of research on the internet to find out how to deactivate a profile (which is something he could have done too). You simply Google the name of the basted dating site plus the words how to deactivate account, you will be sure to find something.
Author Jamesdk Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 Yup, that is in fact a MAJOR red flag for sure. People who are all in don't want to quit and run anytime there's a bump in the road in a relationship, especially a newer one. Aloneinaz, we had a lot more serious problems than a "bump in the road". However, because I want to be nice, I'm not going to air all our dirty laundry on here. I can assure you this isn't me running away from some small issue. This is from an accumulation of many things that have happened in the past 7 months and the online dating site was the straw that broke the camel's back. There was def an accumulation of wrongdoing that happened between us in our brief time together on BOTH sides! However most of those things happened prior to us becoming serious about each other and me falling in love with you. Up to that point we were hardly spending any time together and barely communicating. That all gradually changed and grew and we would spend every day we could together. The days we couldn't see each other we would talk on the phone, sometimes for 3 hours, and we both loved it! We both wanted big things for our future. Our chemistry and care for one another was undeniable. I made a monumental mistake though and now I'm paying dearly. All our problems prior to that we're things we both felt we could work through because the good in the relationship far outweighed the bad. I've admitted how terrible it was for me to leave that site up regardless of who was on your FB or what EXs you still kept in your life away from FB. I knew in my mind that I didn't need the site anymore but childishly kept it active because I was jealous! We had just talked about me removing the account the previous day and I again asked for your help. The last time I ever checked a notification on there I went into the settings and found that I only needed a password to deactivate my account and didn't realize it was that simple. I couldn't remember my password as I had had that account for nearly a year and a half. I was falling asleep as I had to work that night and I decided I would go through the deactivation process when I woke up. If I had just not procrastinated and taken care of it right then and there none of this would have ever happened. I'm filled with regret over how one small moment can change your life.
Author Jamesdk Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 2 seconds to deactivate a dating profile?? Believe me, some dating sites are really basted for deactivating an account.... the option is simply nowhere to be found, and that's the way they design it. On more than one occasion i have had to spend hours of research on the internet to find out how to deactivate a profile (which is something he could have done too). You simply Google the name of the basted dating site plus the words how to deactivate account, you will be sure to find something. Yes mystikmind, that's exactly what I thought too! As I had to go through the deactivation process on another dating account that I DID close months earlier. Still I should've taken the time to research prior to our breakup. It turned out that all I needed to do was create a new password, have that sent to my email, and log back in with said password and close the account. Lazy, selfish, childish and idiotic are words that come to mind when I think about my behavior!!!
theexgf Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I'm the ex gf he's talking about. I was obviously on the same dating site as him and I was able to very quickly deactivate my Okcupid acct and even deleted the app for it off of my phone, and I did that very early on in the relationship. Also, when I caught him on the site, 2 days after I brought up for who knows how many times to delete it, he is searching for women aged 21-25. I'm 32. He's 37. He wasn't searching for women that young when we met on there or my profile wouldn't have come up because I wouldn't have met his age requirements. So obviously since meeting me, he was on there changing his search options to very young women. That does not make me feel very good, to say the least.
amaysngrace Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I already did go to her house the first day she broke up with me. She was mad I showed up unannounced. I ended up basically crying and begging her for an hour. Oh no. Now you have to go away. She can't miss you if you won't go away. I'm sorry you cried and begged for that long but I'm mostly surprised that she let you keep that going for that long without becoming very rude to you. She sounds nice. 1
Author Jamesdk Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 I'm the ex gf he's talking about. I was obviously on the same dating site as him and I was able to very quickly deactivate my Okcupid acct and even deleted the app for it off of my phone, and I did that very early on in the relationship. Also, when I caught him on the site, 2 days after I brought up for who knows how many times to delete it, he is searching for women aged 21-25. I'm 32. He's 37. He wasn't searching for women that young when we met on there or my profile wouldn't have come up because I wouldn't have met his age requirements. So obviously since meeting me, he was on there changing his search options to very young women. That does not make me feel very good, to say the least. When you and I first started dating we also continued to date other people. My search preferences also continued to change back then. In fact after one of those dates I called you or text you to tell you how horribly it went. That woman was 45 and we had zero chemistry. I changed my search preferences back then to look for someone younger with the hope of finding someone with which I could connect with more. There was no way of knowing back then that we would end up together. I can assure you that my search criteria has not changed in the last 6 months as I have not been looking to date in that time.
minime13 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Dyna, I checked because I'm an idiot! There's no way in hell I would have ever looked if I knew it was a deal breaker for women!!! Like I said before I was totally upfront with her about having the account open. I told her I didn't use it which to me meant not using it to date or talk to anyone which I didn't. I even asked her several times to go through the deactivation process with me. She never seemed to push the issue so I just left it there. In my stupid man brain I think it felt good knowing I had it there but I didn't need it nor want it. It felt great knowing I was with a women that made me not want ANYONE else. This is horsepoo. When you get into an established relationship, the account has to go. You shouldn't just be open and honest that you still have an open account on a dating site and think that's going to be okay. It's not up to her to go through the deactivation process with you - it's your account and your baggage. Get rid of it. No wonder she compared you to her cheating ex. You basically were keeping the door open for that throughout your whole relationship. 2
Author Jamesdk Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 This is horsepoo. When you get into an established relationship, the account has to go. You shouldn't just be open and honest that you still have an open account on a dating site and think that's going to be okay. It's not up to her to go through the deactivation process with you - it's your account and your baggage. Get rid of it. No wonder she compared you to her cheating ex. You basically were keeping the door open for that throughout your whole relationship. You're 110% correct! I can't tell you how terribly wrong I feel! I didn't look at it from how she would view it but only as how I viewed it as a check to the things I was insecure about with her exes.
newmoon Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 i've often wondered if my ex's or current bfs ever wander onto LS and read my posts... guess it's possible, lol... 2
theexgf Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 When you and I first started dating we also continued to date other people. My search preferences also continued to change back then. In fact after one of those dates I called you or text you to tell you how horribly it went. That woman was 45 and we had zero chemistry. I changed my search preferences back then to look for someone younger with the hope of finding someone with which I could connect with more. There was no way of knowing back then that we would end up together. I can assure you that my search criteria has not changed in the last 6 months as I have not been looking to date in that time. What exactly do you think you would have in common with a 21 year old? I really want to know.
Author Jamesdk Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 i've often wondered if my ex's or current bfs ever wander onto LS and read my posts... guess it's possible, lol... Newmoon she didn't wander on here. I text her the link after the posts had been going foe awhile. I wanted to show her deeply this is affecting me. I also wanted to gain knowledge from other women and really get a collective opinion. I think after I've had some time today for introspective thought I've found that it really boils down to my insecurities.
Author Jamesdk Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 What exactly do you think you would have in common with a 21 year old? I really want to know. I had dated several women older than me including my ex that I was with for 7 years who is 7 years older than me. I think my thought process at the time of searching for younger women was to go in the opposite direction hoping to find something different that might work.
minime13 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 You're 110% correct! I can't tell you how terribly wrong I feel! I didn't look at it from how she would view it but only as how I viewed it as a check to the things I was insecure about with her exes. Well, you may as well have cheated, but please for the sake of yourself and your ex who is apparently reading and posting, please do not play dumb about this. Certainly you cannot believe that anyone is buying the "I didn't know" line you posted earlier. 1
mightycpa Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 (edited) Jamesdk, I am mystified how at the beginning of a relationship, the fact that BOTH of you slept with somebody else, at your age, creates a trust issue. Mystified. Frankly, you should both understand by now that at the beginning of a relationship, and in fact, at any point during the relationship, if sexual exclusivity is not a condition of the relationship, then a) sleeping with other people is not a breach of trust and b) it is almost to be expected at your age. You're not teenagers living with Mom and Dad. Mystified. In addition to that, you allude to some kind of behavior on the part of one or both of you that caused strife. Given your weird take on the trust issue addressed up above, I'd have to know details of whether or not these behaviors are truly damaging, or if one of you is a tight-ass, and acts like a teenager who's never been in a relationship before. People who get cheated on and can't forgive the cheater usually act like this, in my opinion. From what little I've read, it seems she's projecting the acts of bad actors onto you, like you were in her past, and not them. Anyway, having a dating profile and looking at it occasionally doesn't seem like a big deal to me. The correct response, if that would bother somebody, is to ask you to if you want to keep it open, or keep the girlfriend. For her to blow up the relationship, and end it abruptly over something so trivial says one of two things to me: 1) She's a total pain in the ass, and you're better off as a man without a woman who keeps you on such a short leash. 2) She isn't all that interested in you, and she jumped at this excuse to make you the bad guy and history all at the same time. Edited June 5, 2015 by mightycpa 2
Author Jamesdk Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 Well, you may as well have cheated, but please for the sake of yourself and your ex who is apparently reading and posting, please do not play dumb about this. Certainly you cannot believe that anyone is buying the "I didn't know" line you posted earlier. I'm sorry what did I post that in reference too? You mean " I didn't know" it was a deal breaker? I only looked at it from my POV. And in my opinion sleeping with or even talking to other people romantically or with sexual intentions are my deal breakers. If I would have looked at it from her POV I would have seen how egregious it was to log on, regardless of my intentions and how perception is more important than reality.
theexgf Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Jamesdk, I am mystified how at the beginning of a relationship, the fact that BOTH of you slept with somebody else, at your age, creates a trust issue. Mystified. Frankly, you should both understand by now that at the beginning of a relationship, and in fact, at any point during the relationship, if sexual exclusivity is not a condition of the relationship, then a) sleeping with other people is not a breach of trust and b) it is almost to be expected at your age. You're not teenagers living with Mom and Dad. Mystified. In addition to that, you allude to some kind of behavior on the part of one or both of you that caused strife. Given your weird take on the trust issue addressed up above, I'd have to know details of whether or not these behaviors are truly damaging, or if one of you is a tight-ass, and acts like a teenager who's never been in a relationship before. People who get cheated on and can't forgive the cheater usually act like this, in my opinion. From what little I've read, it seems she's projecting the acts of bad actors onto you, like you were in her past, and not them. Anyway, having a dating profile and looking at it occasionally doesn't seem like a big deal to me. The correct response, if that would bother somebody, is to ask you to if you want to keep it open, or keep the girlfriend. For her to blow up the relationship, and end it abruptly over something so trivial says one of two things to me: 1) She's a total pain in the ass, and you're better off as a man without a woman who keeps you on such a short leash. 2) She isn't all that interested in you, and she jumped at this excuse to make you the bad guy and history all at the same time. I didn't want to do this, but I feel like I have to defend myself. We met on a dating site. I was going on dates with 1 other guy from the site. I slept with that guy and at the time, had only gone on 1 date with James. James and I made plans for date #2, but before that date, I told him I slept with the other guy. He said he still wanted to go on our date, so we did. I then chose to be with James only, and that all happened very quickly in the month of November. James then eventually tells me he's sleeping with TWO other women besides me. He slept with 1 of them in December even though I ended things with the other guy in November. And he didn't tell me he slept with her. I just found that out last night. I asked him several times to get rid of the dating site and he seriously said to me one time about it that he didn't want to in case we broke up because he didn't want to have to remake his profile.
mightycpa Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I didn't want to do this, but I feel like I have to defend myself. We met on a dating site. I was going on dates with 1 other guy from the site. I slept with that guy and at the time, had only gone on 1 date with James. James and I made plans for date #2, but before that date, I told him I slept with the other guy. He said he still wanted to go on our date, so we did. I then chose to be with James only, and that all happened very quickly in the month of November. James then eventually tells me he's sleeping with TWO other women besides me. He slept with 1 of them in December even though I ended things with the other guy in November. And he didn't tell me he slept with her. I just found that out last night. I asked him several times to get rid of the dating site and he seriously said to me one time about it that he didn't want to in case we broke up because he didn't want to have to remake his profile. See, that's informative. Totally different picture. If I may: I then chose to be with James only does not necessarily mean that he chose to be with you only, or that you told him about your choice, or that you required the same from him. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume that you mean that you both agreed to exclusivity with each other. Please correct me if I'm wrong. The rest of what I have to say rests on this assumption. You found out last night that he cheated on you, so you bounced him. So it's not really about the dating site, that just kind of adds some fuel to the fire. I don't blame you. 1
Author Jamesdk Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 The last time I have slept with anyone else was within 2 or 3 weeks of the last time she ever slept with anyone else. I never thought this was a huge deal. It only came up a few days ago as that is when she asked me about it! I was completely forthcoming about it as I would have been if she asked me anytime prior to then. I've admitted a lot of wrongdoing on my part here but I don't feel I did anything wrong there. At that point 6 months ago we were not considering ourselves BF and GF and hadn't committed to each other yet
mightycpa Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 At that point 6 months ago we were not considering ourselves BF and GF and hadn't committed to each other yet That's what I was talking about at the beginning. Probably, either she assumed too much and didn't say enough, or you knew what she meant and disregarded it. Either way, you guys sound like a made-for-TV drama, and clearly, you're not on the same page about this relationship stuff, and how they work. 1
theexgf Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 James was very aware of the fact that I ended things with the other guy. He would say to me that I needed to choose one soon, and was more than in the know that I chose him. James then told me he was going to tell both of his other women that he wasn't going to see them anymore to be with me instead, but based on what he said last night, he doesn't seem to recall that or what he told them or how those relationships ended. I can tell you though, that just a couple months ago he told me he was upset that both of them had moved on, even though we've been together for months. I didn't break up with him for sleeping with one of them in December, I did do it over catching him on the dating site when he has told me multiple times he didn't go on it, that it just sat there not being used. Obviously he was lying to me, so I broke up with him. There's so much that has happened, so many inappropriate things he has said to me, that I just can't trust him or not feel like he's a slut. 1
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