I'm in so much pain and need guidance

[Jamesdk]

I'm 37 and have been dating my GF for nearly 7 months. We met from a dating website. We started out very casually and not committed to each other. We both slept with another person while we were beginning to date each other. So that's the first thing that caused some trust issues. As our relationship blossomed we became closer and closer and sometime around 4 months ago I began to fall in love with her. We continued to have trust issues as she would never remove ex BFs from Facebook and I never deleted my dating profile.

A few days ago she logged onto my dating account and saw that I had recently been on. I tried to explain to her that the only reason I ever got on was because of the notifications that they would send me but she thinks I'm cheating on her. I've not cheated on her nor do I have any desire too. I tried to explain but she still broke up with me. I know it was childish to keep a dating profile since she had ex BFs on Facebook. I screwed up by even opening up the dating app but I don't think our wonderful relationship should end because of my non cheating stupidity.

She's so mad at me and keeps comparing me to an ex of hers that did cheat on her. She's told me she's done and I should move on.

I'm so heartbroken and devastated. My insides are in so much pain. I can't stop crying and I'm filled with regret and anger towards myself. The hurt is unbearable! I love her with all my heart and I only ever want to be with her forever.

I have no one to talk to about this at all. Please give me any thoughts or advice.

Thank you

[amaysngrace]

Go see her and tell her how you feel and that you're sorry and explain why you did what you did.

 

It may not win her back but it's the best chance you have of proving to her how important she is to you.

 

Also gently remind her it's unfair of her to make you pay for the sins of a past BF because you're not him.

 

Going to her and talking face to face should go a long way to prove that. But don't cry or tell her you've been crying. Keep that to yourself.

[mystikmind2005]

Well, this may not sound very useful too you right now, but the mistakes we make in a relationship test our partner, and if they fail that test, is it worth pursuing them?

 

Because even if you did win her back, the fact is, you will make more mistakes of all kinds in the future, so, can you trust her? (i don't think so).

[Jamesdk]

I already did go to her house the first day she broke up with me. She was mad I showed up unannounced. I ended up basically crying and begging her for an hour. I'm such a weak person and she's such a strong person it really didn't have any effect on her other than probably making me look pathetic.

 

I've said its unfair she's compares me to that cheating Ahole but she thinks I'm lying. I know she's been really hurt but she won't admit it.

 

I tried sending flowers to her work which she got and liked but acted as if it was just another thing and not special.

 

I keep texting her. Sometimes she replies and sometimes not.

All I want is another chance to prove to her how special and important to me she is. How I NEVER will cheat on her because I love her immensely.

 

I'm so heartbroken I want to curl up and die

[Jamesdk]

Well, this may not sound very useful too you right now, but the mistakes we make in a relationship test our partner, and if they fail that test, is it worth pursuing them?

 

Because even if you did win her back, the fact is, you will make more mistakes of all kinds in the future, so, can you trust her? (i don't think so).

 

Mystikmind that is very true. I have made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. Just not as big of mistakes as this was. She's even tried to break up w me a couple times before. She constantly compares me to her ex and tell me she doesn't want to waste another two years w someone only for it to end so it's better for her to end it now. She's 32 and I don't think has ever had a relationship last longer than two years. I would like our time together to go much much longer than that.

[devilish innocent]

To be honest, I would have done the same thing as her. There's a lot of guys who use dating websites to keep seeing multiple girls. The only way to tell them apart from the committed guy is that the committed guy will usually stop using the dating website . You could say all the sweetest things in the world, but if your actions show something different, people are going to believe your actions.

 

This is a tough lesson for you to learn. Yet you have no choice but to move on. She wouldn't be able to trust you now, and you can't have a relationship without that. If there is a silver lining to all of this, it's that next time you'll know. You may meet somebody even better, and you won't make the same mistake again.

 

You've survived many years without her. You will survive and be okay without her again. Try to take good care of yourself while you're healing. Keep your thoughts positive. Make sure to spend time with family and friends. Get some exercise. Take time to do hobbies you enjoy. Be good to yourself. You'll make it through this.

[Jamesdk]

To be honest, I would have done the same thing as her. There's a lot of guys who use dating websites to keep seeing multiple girls. The only way to tell them apart from the committed guy is that the committed guy will usually stop using the dating website . You could say all the sweetest things in the world, but if your actions show something different, people are going to believe your actions.

 

This is a tough lesson for you to learn. Yet you have no choice but to move on. She wouldn't be able to trust you now, and you can't have a relationship without that. If there is a silver lining to all of this, it's that next time you'll know. You may meet somebody even better, and you won't make the same mistake again.

 

You've survived many years without her. You will survive and be okay without her again. Try to take good care of yourself while you're healing. Keep your thoughts positive. Make sure to spend time with family and friends. Get some exercise. Take time to do hobbies you enjoy. Be good to yourself. You'll make it through this.

 

Devilish I'm glad to get your perspective as your a female about the Same age as her. Thank you

 

I didn't ever actually do anything wrong though other than look to see when I got a notification. I never returned any messages or tried to send any.

I know how it looks but I have no reason to lie here on these anonymous forums. I emailed the dating site and asked for any kind of transcript of actions that they could provide. I let my ex know this but she never responded. I'm willing to do anything to prove my trustworthiness!

 

If you knew for a fact that I never cheated would it still be a deal breaker for you?

[dyna85]

Seems like it was doomed from the start since you had trust issues all along - she wouldn't remove ex bfs from fb and you kept your online dating profile to spite her because of it. If you explained the situation and the fact that you only kept the dating profile out of spite that's one thing, but you also logged on recently. That wouldn't sit well with me either, and she's probably used to the person lying to her and crying after the fact (given her past history of having the cheating ex) and maybe she's forgiven in the past and it resulted in more of the same, so she's learned her lesson and is acting out of that knowledge, which makes perfect sense.

 

Now you know not to turn the situation into a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's better to communicate your concerns and go from there, instead of acting out of spite. Acting out of spite rarely lands you in a good spot.

[Jamesdk]

Seems like it was doomed from the start since you had trust issues all along - she wouldn't remove ex bfs from fb and you kept your online dating profile to spite her because of it. If you explained the situation and the fact that you only kept the dating profile out of spite that's one thing, but you also logged on recently. That wouldn't sit well with me either, and she's probably used to the person lying to her and crying after the fact (given her past history of having the cheating ex) and maybe she's forgiven in the past and it resulted in more of the same, so she's learned her lesson and is acting out of that knowledge, which makes perfect sense.

 

Now you know not to turn the situation into a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's better to communicate your concerns and go from there, instead of acting out of spite. Acting out of spite rarely lands you in a good spot.

 

Dyna85 thank you for your feedback. I think you're spot on except for the doomed part.

1 day prior to her looking at my profile we had a discussion about removing her exes and taking down my profile we both were in total agreement to do it. Prior to that discussion we had talked about removing my profile several times and I asked for her help to do it. We had just never actually gotten around to taking care of it but I was totally willing to! It was just such coincidence that when she looked I had actually checked a notice just a few hours prior.

I'm so mad at myself for not deleting it sooner!!!!!!

[ZiggyZoo]

Speaking from my own experience with someone who had cheated on me, and how I felt in my subsequent relationships, I've got to say that I don't see you two coming back from this. For me, it was hard enough realizing that just because the "signs" of cheating may be there, it didn't mean my new partner was cheating. I had to really work through that. But for you, having an online dating account AND logging onto it for whatever reason would be a deal breaker for me. Why you didn't delete it in the first place is beyond me, and if the guy I was seeing kept his active, it'd be another deal breaker. This is just me, but like I said, I've been in a similar situation as your ex.

 

 

I think the only thing you can do now is move on and learn from this. Her trust in you is broken, there's no fixing it. No amount of crying, groveling, or flower deliveries will fix it.

[dyna85]

I agree w/ziggy and don't get why you would have checked it, period and the retaliation game is not a good relationship dynamic.

 

All I can say is that even at the one-two month mark I'd be pissed if I felt strongly for a guy and he still had his profile. At 7 months, yeah, I'd def be out of there in no time. I would, if I were you, consider this a lesson learned.

 

It only hurts this bad because it's so raw, but I would honor your ex's feelings and be gone. Don't be so non commital next time and definitely don't betray your girl by staying active on the profile. That is the biggest turn off to a self-respecting woman... a guy who shows he's got one foot out the door.

[Jamesdk]

Ziggy

It sounds like all the women on here feel the same way.

 

I just think that my overwhelming love for her, good heart and no bad deeds or bad intentions should count for something! Right?

Don't you think we could get back together and look back on this years from now and be so happy we didn't go our separate ways??

 

The thing that kills me the most is other than some old trust issues we had a wonderful relationship. 4 days ago we were in bliss together. We couldn't wait to see each other and always did really nice things for one another. We even have a trip to Cabo already booked for the end of June!!

Now she says she's gonna go alone.

[Jamesdk]

Dyna, I checked because I'm an idiot! There's no way in hell I would have ever looked if I knew it was a deal breaker for women!!!

Like I said before I was totally upfront with her about having the account open. I told her I didn't use it which to me meant not using it to date or talk to anyone which I didn't.

I even asked her several times to go through the deactivation process with me. She never seemed to push the issue so I just left it there.

 

In my stupid man brain I think it felt good knowing I had it there but I didn't need it nor want it. It felt great knowing I was with a women that made me not want ANYONE else.

[ZiggyZoo]

Ziggy

It sounds like all the women on here feel the same way.

 

I just think that my overwhelming love for her, good heart and no bad deeds or bad intentions should count for something! Right?

Don't you think we could get back together and look back on this years from now and be so happy we didn't go our separate ways??

 

The thing that kills me the most is other than some old trust issues we had a wonderful relationship. 4 days ago we were in bliss together. We couldn't wait to see each other and always did really nice things for one another. We even have a trip to Cabo already booked for the end of June!!

Now she says she's gonna go alone.

 

You need to understand that keeping that profile and checking it WAS a bad deed. And don't just gloss over the "old trust issues" and think that your relationship was otherwise fine. That's a huge deal, and the fact that you can't see that speaks volumes for your basic incompatibility. You think that just because you didn't mean anything by your actions that they shouldn't mean anything to her. But they obviously did, and she doesn't want to be with you because of them. It isn't about what you meant, it's about her perception. And you can't change that. YOU may have been in bliss four days ago, but she was struggling with her trust issues and how you were pushing them. You were incorrectly projecting your emotions onto her.

 

You need to let her go. This relationship is done. There will be no looking back on it in a few years and being glad that you didn't go your separate ways. You're firmly stuck in denial, and I'll bet you're ruining any good feelings she may still have for you by constantly contacting her. She doesn't want to have anything to do with you, so leave her alone. I know that's harsh, but you aren't getting it...

[frigginlost]

Dyna85 thank you for your feedback. I think you're spot on except for the doomed part.

1 day prior to her looking at my profile we had a discussion about removing her exes and taking down my profile we both were in total agreement to do it.

 

This was good.

 

Prior to that discussion we had talked about removing my profile several times and I asked for her help to do it. We had just never actually gotten around to taking care of it but I was totally willing to!

 

This is bad. Very bad. Why the wait? Why did you need "help"? It takes two seconds to kill a dating profile. If I were a female that had been cheated on, while I would not say anything, you can be damn sure I would be watching like a hawk why it still exists...

 

It was just such coincidence that when she looked I had actually checked a notice just a few hours prior.

I'm so mad at myself for not deleting it sooner!!!!!!

 

Again, why did you not delete it sooner? There is a root cause of why you decided to log back into it. What is it? It seems to me, that you might not have been 100% all in with her because of the early issues in the relationship. If you were truly all in with her, you would not have cared one bit about any notifications...

 

Take it from someone who has been cheated on; we are extremely in tune with the signals of something not lining up.

[ZiggyZoo]

 

Take it from someone who has been cheated on; we are extremely in tune with the signals of something not lining up.

 

This right here. This is perfect.

[Jamesdk]

Thank you ziggy

You're words hurt so much but I'm sure that's exactly how she feels.

I can't stop thinking about she told 3 days ago that "the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody."

I can't imagine her with someone else. It's eating me up so much. I can't take this pain! I just want to sleep for a month but I can't sleep or eat. I'm dying inside

[Jamesdk]

Dyna, I checked because I'm an idiot! There's no way in hell I would have ever looked if I knew it was a deal breaker for women!!!

Like I said before I was totally upfront with her about having the account open. I told her I didn't use it which to me meant not using it to date or talk to anyone which I didn't.

I even asked her several times to go through the deactivation process with me. She never seemed to push the issue so I just left it there.

 

In my stupid man brain I think it felt good knowing I had it there but I didn't need it nor want it. It felt great knowing I was with a women that made me not want ANYONE else.

 

frigginlost

I think I tried to explain it here why I didn't push to take it down.

I guess I look at it like a former smoker who keeps one cigarette around in full view. They keep it not because they want to smoke it but because it's a symbol of how they don't need it anymore. It felt empowering to not have to go through that again; i HATE dating! I never wanted to go back to it.

[frigginlost]

frigginlost

I think I tried to explain it here why I didn't push to take it down.

I guess I look at it like a former smoker who keeps one cigarette around in full view. They keep it not because they want to smoke it but because it's a symbol of how they don't need it anymore. It felt empowering to not have to go through that again; i HATE dating! I never wanted to go back to it.

 

James, I hear what you're saying, but we are not talking about a cigarette.

 

Unfortunately for you, that dating profile is about the biggest red flag that can be thrown at someone trying to build a life with you. After 7 months (heck it should have been killed at 2 months) that thing should have been long gone. Your ex should not have been a part of any discussions about removing it other than a "hey sweetie, I killed my dating profile". It sounds to me as if these discussions were some sort of "foothold" that you were using against her in some way. To a girl that has been cheated on, that is a death sentence. Logging back into it for whatever reason is your execution taking place.

 

It is going to hurt, and we have all been there, but you need to let this one go. Maybe months or years down the road your paths will cross again and you can build something correctly (I would not count on it). But this one is dead.

[Jamesdk]

Friggin

Yes ,there was a part of me that hated that she had ex BFs on Facebook so a small part of having the dating profile was in rebuttal of that. She said she never communicated with them but they would still post comments saying how sexy she looked in her newly posted pics.

 

I've told her that I wish I would've just been the bigger person and taken down my profile. I really do ONLY want to be with her!

 

I can't believe this moronic mistake is gonna cost me so dearly.

[frigginlost]

Friggin

Yes ,there was a part of me that hated that she had ex BFs on Facebook so a small part of having the dating profile was in rebuttal of that. She said she never communicated with them but they would still post comments saying how sexy she looked in her newly posted pics.

 

I've told her that I wish I would've just been the bigger person and taken down my profile. I really do ONLY want to be with her!

 

I can't believe this moronic mistake is gonna cost me so dearly.

 

I hear ya, man. I feel bad for you, I really do.

 

I have no doubt that you honestly love and cherish her, but right now all you can do is take it as a learning experience and move forward (I know it feels impossible and it sucks hearing that).

 

Footholds, and mental gymnastics *never* work in building a relationship. We have all tried them, and have all failed miserably at them. They do nothing but cause spotlights to shine on insecurities, and in the end destroy everything. My ex had ex boyfriends doing the same thing on her facebook, but I looked at it as she was with me, so they can say whatever they want.

 

You can't convict someone of something until a crime has taken place. Her friends list on facebook should have meant nothing to you as the relationship was building unless something truly out of line had happened.

 

It does not seem like it right now, but you're going to fine.

[Jamesdk]

I hear ya, man. I feel bad for you, I really do.

 

I have no doubt that you honestly love and cherish her, but right now all you can do is take it as a learning experience and move forward (I know it feels impossible and it sucks hearing that).

 

Footholds, and mental gymnastics *never* work in building a relationship. We have all tried them, and have all failed miserably at them. They do nothing but cause spotlights to shine on insecurities, and in the end destroy everything. My ex had ex boyfriends doing the same thing on her facebook, but I looked at it as she was with me, so they can say whatever they want.

 

You can't convict someone of something until a crime has taken place. Her friends list on facebook should have meant nothing to you as the relationship was building unless something truly out of line had happened.

 

It does not seem like it right now, but you're going to fine.

 

Thank you so much for the encouraging words.

I couldn't deal with the pain so I took some pills I hope that will help it go away.

 

I've been through breakups before but nothing ever like this.

Usually you can see a breakup coming or have some sense things aren't working. I've been blindsided by this. It's gut wrenching!

 

I wish I would've had you and some of the other good folks on here to talk some sense into me before making such a tragic error in judgement

[aloneinaz]

I'm going to throw a different perspective out there. I don't think what you did should be a deal breaker for her or the relationship. Did you use very poor judgment? Yes, yes you did. But, people forgive cheaters and go on to have great marriages.

 

 

There were clearly some trust issues but I agree with the person that said she shouldn't drag her past drama from her cheating ex into a new relationship. I also don't like that she "quit" the relationship so quickly. That's a red flag to me as well, so keep that in mind.

 

 

If I was in your shoes, here's your only chance. STOP CONTACTING her. You've begged, cried, sent flowers and continued to text her. She CLEARLY knows you're very sorry and desperately want her back. Don't keep contacting her as she'll think your pathetic, clingy and desperate.

 

 

Let her cool down and think through the whole thing rationally. Give her a chance to miss you. This is really your only chance. She may reach back out to talk to you or she may not. Either way, don't keep beating yourself up and having a pity party for yourself. Breathe, go on living your life. Take this time away from her and clear your head. Keep yourself busy with hobbies or projects.

 

 

If you two are meant to be, it will work out. If not, you will survive and move on.

[Jamesdk]

I'm going to throw a different perspective out there. I don't think what you did should be a deal breaker for her or the relationship. Did you use very poor judgment? Yes, yes you did. But, people forgive cheaters and go on to have great marriages.

 

 

There were clearly some trust issues but I agree with the person that said she shouldn't drag her past drama from her cheating ex into a new relationship. I also don't like that she "quit" the relationship so quickly. That's a red flag to me as well, so keep that in mind.

 

 

If I was in your shoes, here's your only chance. STOP CONTACTING her. You've begged, cried, sent flowers and continued to text her. She CLEARLY knows you're very sorry and desperately want her back. Don't keep contacting her as she'll think your pathetic, clingy and desperate.

 

 

Let her cool down and think through the whole thing rationally. Give her a chance to miss you. This is really your only chance. She may reach back out to talk to you or she may not. Either way, don't keep beating yourself up and having a pity party for yourself. Breathe, go on living your life. Take this time away from her and clear your head. Keep yourself busy with hobbies or projects.

 

 

If you two are meant to be, it will work out. If not, you will survive and move on.

 

Aloneinaz thank you so much for saying all that!!! I'm alone in AZ now too. Lol

 

I agree with everything you said. Although in my mind cheating is the ultimate deal breaker and there would've been no recovering from it if her or I actually slept with someone else. But everything short of that can be recovered from IMHO.

 

I do feel like she quit the relationship very fast. Like I said earlier she wanted to break up a couple times for different things when we weren't as serious. This has always been a huge red flag for me! Likes it's easier for her to cut and run then it is to work on the relationship. She's told me she doesn't value relationships with men nearly as much as she values relationships with her good friends. I always attributed this to her getting cheated on though.

 

I've definitely thought about how pathetic, clingy and desperate I'm coming off as and that's really not who I am. I just wish she would tell me to give her some time and space instead of saying "I'm done" and "you need to move on." Those words hurt soooooo much!

 

I'm gonna try to be better though. I just hope someday she does miss me

[theexgf]

No. No I won't. Does anyone on here find it suspect that he figured out how to join this online chat but couldn't figure out how to delete his online dating profile until I caught him on it? Thank you to the people who are on my side with this.

Edited June 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed derogatory remark