RogerWallace111 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 About 2 1/2 years ago I ran into a female friend of mine who I'd known for about 8 years. She'd dated a buddy of mine toward the end of high school. That ended pretty quickly but we remained casual friends who would hug and catch up for a few minutes when we'd run into each other over the years. When I ran into her this time, it turned out she was looking for a room to live in, and one of my roommates was in the process of vacating, so she took his spot. We started to hang out regularly. We were both several months out of meaningful relationships at the time, and she soon started dating a new guy while I intermittently hooked up with different girls. We spent a lot of time together regardless and she became as close a female friend as I'd had since my adoloscence. She called me one morning, crying, asking to be picked up, and I did. She had been out drinking, run into her ex and slept with him. Said he'd pushed and she "couldn't resist him". She called the guy she was dating and ended it out of guilt as I drove her home, though they would proceed to get back together a month later. Nearly a year passed before her and I became involved. During this time I never had a crush on her persay, or made any passes at her. Being single I thought about the idea of it a few times of course- she's a unique, cute, sexy girl. But as I've felt with a few other female friends, my knowledge of her "dirt" made me write off the possibility of any romance. Anyway... that didn't stop me when it came down to it. One night, I came home excited to have quit a job I'd long been working toward quitting, and had booked myself a ticket to Europe for a five week vacation. She and I cracked a couple beers to celebrate, and hung out, laughing, listening to music, etc. At some point in the laughter she gave me that look. That scared/vulnerable yet curious/affectionate look. We kissed. That turned to making out which turned to some sensual foreplay which turned into passionate sex. We did it again the next morning after which she said "this can keep happening but I can't break up with 'Donny' right now". We'll call him Donny. Seemed intense but the sex was great and my ego wasn't complaining. She'd explain a couple nights later that they had tickets to fly to a music festival and had already spent a couple thousand dollars on it. Yet, she proceeds to fall in love with me and I with her. She'd always expressed dissatisfaction and a lack of fun with Donny, so they only hung out a couple times a week. We spent every night we could together and the humor/connection/understanding from our friendship lent itself to us bonding very heavily. She loved & adored me, and I her, and by the time I left for Europe she was telling me she'd be breaking up with Donny after their trip, and would be waiting to follow me anywhere I went (I quit my job to facilitate a move to a city more condusive to my artistic endeavors). I'd been gone a couple weeks, they took their trip, and I received a call from her telling me she'd ended her relationship and we were truly free to be together. I came home and thus began a really beautiful few months. We took some reconnasiance trips to find our new home, camped, had great times with friends... great wilderness experiences. After ruling out the first city, Los Angeles, we had gone to Seattle and decided we'd end up there. We got back and began working towards making that happen, financially & housing-wise. Around then we had our first couple notable fights. During one, I called out a creepy older man who was getting close to her making me feel uncomfortable in a bar. We were both drinking, and when we left it erupted into a serious fight, with her insisting the guy was harmless and that I'd embarassed her. Whether my handling of that was bad or not, in the fight I said some disparaging sh*t, which she returned. Next day she said she wanted space and that I should stay at a friends house. After poking around for a convenient spot to crash to no avail, I said screw it, and set up on the couch in our living room (worth noting we occupied a single bedroom at this point). She comes up the stairs at some point, with two of our mutual friends, one of whom is her highschool ex through whom I initially knew her. She comes in, sees me, and gets furious. I act a bit pissed about the presence of said ex, but he's my friend and assures me he didn't know we were in a fight and they'd just been hanging at the same spot. She proceeds to insist on leaving with them. I spend the night there. She stays at said ex's house. Who I more or less know has been a truly platonic friend for the 5 or so years since they dated. And I even get confirmation from a close friend of mine who ended up partying there late that she'd gone to sleep on the couch at an earlyish time. We reconcile over the next day or two. She acts like she has nothing to hide, and I truly believe her, though in principle it bothers me. Realistically, his house is a main hang out, and an otherwise logical spot to sleep, so I let it go. Things go back to very nice until we have another vicious fight a couple months later, and again, she ends up partying with them and sleeping on his couch. Again, confirmed by my other good friend. That fight starts when she refuses to go to bed with me around 1am, at a different friends party, when I'm tired and were both drunk. I say mean sh*t basically accusing her preemptively of fooling around, she responds by hitting me. Again she's open about where she stays. We work it out over the next few days, and it's back to peachy-ish. Throughout all this a part of me is bothered, but I acknowledge the effect of my hurtful, vitriolic, uncalled-for words. And what never changes is that when we've gotten through it she is the same adoring, giving girl. Once the dust fully settles from that, we continue, feeling very in love, with our move. Over the next month or so we get everything ready and are about to relocate to Seattle. Here comes fight three. On what is basically our last night to hang with pals, she gets upset by me kissing the cheek of a probably ten year female friend "too many times" when she goes to leave for the night. After not seeing her for a couple years and knowing I wont for a few more. It was emphatic and uncalled for, but with no sexual/romantic intention at all. Male and female friends in my circle do a lot of motive-free cheek kissing. Anyway, I refuse to apologize for this afterwards, she gets pissed, and again ends up sleeping on that couch. Next day she tells me how it hurt her, I acknowledge that, we have an intense heart to heart and resolve to continue with our move. At which point you're probably thinking that's a terrible decision. Maybe so. The love was so strong 99% of the time that we were always able to overlook the bad and chock it up to our both being very passionate people in a time of change. So. We move. The long drives and subsequent housing hardship we encounter the moment we arrive at our new place bring us very close. I return to California to get my car, drive 14 hours to a family friends house where we've ended up forced to stay, and the joy of arriving in her arms was something profound. We then struggle to find a second place, camping in-between, and finally do. We move in. It's great for a few weeks, until I start working scattered early mornings, and she starts waitressing a night shift. After a couple weeks of working she gets to know her coworkers and wants to socialize with them post-shift. First night she expresses this desire, we have a plan to watch a movie when she gets home. Instead she calls saying she wants to get a drink with so and so. I swallow my toungue and say "ok, well, see you when you get home". Hour and a half passes, I call. She picks up saying it might be a while. I then remind her of our plan and express my unhappiness with her ditching our plan. Turns into a minor phone arguement, she hangs up. After another 45 go by I decide to walk down to this bar myself. As I approach, I see her outside with a few guys, laughing, smoking cigarettes (something she does when pissed off or feeling defiant). I spy for a moment and watch her touch one guys lower back in way that, though brief and probably harmless, makes me uncomfortable. He's not reciprocating any body language, don't know what it was to this day though she later claims she was miming something that happened at work. I call her phone and watch her look at it and ignore me. I watch for a few more minutes, nothing else really happens, I walk home without saying hi. I tell her what I did later and confront her about the touchiness, it erupts into a fight where she keeps reminding me of the enthusiastic cheek kisses I gave my friend. We say mean **** to eachother. Next day we make up. I mention to her that that weekend I have a 5am wakeup on Sunday morning for work, ask if she minds taking it easy with me the night before. She says ok, but when that day comes a couple later, she tells me her female coworker who she admittedly doesnt like, has asked specifically if she'll get a drink with her. She's curious to get to know another side of her so she accepts, telling me she'll still be home by 11. She calls around 11 saying shes sorry but she's gonna stay out. I tell her I'll leave the air mattress blown up in the other room for her. Don't express anger, but I'm dissappointed with her conduct. She ends up coming home at 4am. I wake up as she comes in and open the bedroom door. She's not super drunk, and just acts loving, telling me she and the girl went with a couple male coworkers back to his house for nightcaps after the bars closed. Yet, I calmly tell her I don't know if us living together will work if this is how she needs to operate. Next day I come home to a tearjerker of a letter from her about how she doesn't want to live seperately from me, telling me I'm the most important thing in her life next to her family and that she apologizes for being selfish, acknowledges that she barely knows these people and it's just ritual socializing she felt she needed to engage in. Which is more than she needs to say but I appreciate it. I tell her I'm not going anywhere, and for a few days things are cool. Then, midweek, I'm out, she's out after work, and we decide to meet up. She doesnt show up and after 45 minutes I call her. She got hung up drinking with the coworkers. I go over where they are. As I enter, the guy whose house she'd been at till 4 that night, seems to get up from the table theyre all at, on cue, and head outside while never making eye contact with me as we cross paths. And it's a guy I've spent a few hours around, talking with, in the weeks prior to the weirdness. He's a nice docile dude, and maybe I'm just paranoid, but when we leave I ask her what she makes of his leaving and not looking at me and she acts like I'm crazy. Again, the cheek kissing thing gets rubbed in my face, and we say hurtful **** to eachother. And yet again, the next day we're back to normal-ish. Meet up with her after work a few days later, that stuffs still on my mind, and I recommend she texts the guy and has him come over to meet with us. She may or may not have even sent the text, as 30 seconds later he and his buddy walk in and sit down across the room. They somehow manage to not look our way for 10 minutes, and when I try to catch his attention, she asks me why I'm doing it and says I'm being weird. Eventually he goes outside for a cigarette and I tap the window, and signal him to come sit with us. They do. I don't percieve any notable awkwardness, and I play it very cool. Again, that night, I ask why he never looked our way, and why if she'd texted him he wasnt on the lookout for us ? Similar intense fighting as before. Next day seems like another smooth over. We hang with a friend of mine during they day, she gets stoned that night and is all loving to me. I feel like I'm at a point where I just need to drop it and give her the benefit of the doubt until I've been given solid reason otherwise. She seems like she has nothing to hide, and I remember from the affair-beginnings of our relationship, she was evasive and distant with the other guy anytime I overheard them talking. Even broke up with him initially out of guilt over an indiscretion. Which makes me think she couldn't treat me so normally should there be anything to hide. So, with my give-the-benefit-of-the-doubt attitude, I meet up with her after work the next day. She's cold to me and tells me she's been "thinking about things". I opt out of going anywhere with her due to that attitude, she says she's getting a drink. She shows up home 4 hours later, after not responding to several calls, telling me she's been on a walk thinking about things. She's not drunk, and I believe her. But I tell her I can't put up with this sort of thing. She tells me she can't put up with my accusatory talk and hateful words. Next day, feeling like there's nothing else I can do, I tell her I'm gonna move out. Mention maybe leaving town. Tell her I feel like ultimately she's chosen her coworkers over me. She acts sad and tells me not to pack up right away, and says she'll see me that night. That night she stays over at the guy I've had the bad feeling about's house. Responds to none of my contact until 5am. Next morning she shows up with her parents who have just arrived in town for a visit, and tries to act touchy and loving as if all is normal. I denie her advances, and start to packing. Even ask her in front of her parents where she stayed the previous night. She answers truthfully with no hesitation. I head out of town for 9 days the following day, and stay in a hotel that night. Via text she again seems to have nothing to hide, and grills me about being awkward in front of her parents. Tells me when I say "you slept at ____'s house!" that she was hurt by my saying I was leaving, it was her only nearby friend with a couch, and nothing happened. Who knows. They all drink late and maybe that's where they ended up again and truly it's "innocent". Either way it didn't work for me. We talk while I'm gone, I miss her to the point I want to reconcile, but she says the fighting has gotten to be too much and we need to be apart for the indefinite future. Once I returned, fully packed with her out of the house, and left, she gave me barrage of loving texts, though reiterating that this would be for the best. Which it of course is. Now I'm back in California figuring out my next move. Anyway. There's a hole in my heart regardless of my typing this out doing exactly what I hoped it would- giving me a reality check. I was more or less verbally abusive in some of the bad fights we had, though she could dish it back fine. I wish I'd faced each rough spot with a more level, and often sober, head. And wish I would've dropped it after her apology letter and not bothered analyzing the guys behavior. My friends all try to insist that whatever I did was justified, and though a lot of her actions sound sketchy, I think it's what she grew up to consider normal (as a tomboy of sorts, for lack of a better term). Which is why I at least should have reacted more calmly. I've certainly been hard to contact with past girls when I just want to hang with my friends. Then again, I would never think an ex's or the girl who my lady had expressed weird feelings about's houses were appropriate places to run off to when things got bad. So, as much as my logic tells me- regardless of what went down we are clearly incompatible and have different expectations in a relationship, my heart ****ing hurts in a way I thought it was only supposed to for your first love. She was one of my best friends and a rare type of lover. Haunted by the idea that her uniqueness has left an unfillable hole. But then again there are millions out there and I've only met maybe a couple thousand. Sorry for the novel. Thoughts ?
ZiggyZoo Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 What a sh*tty situation. You can see that not being together is for the best, but you don't have any real hard feelings towards her. One of my hardest breakups was like this, where it just wasn't going to work out, but we didn't hate each other. I don't have any real advice, just my understanding. I think you made the right choice, for what it's worth. You both deserve to be happy, and this wasn't doing it for either of you. 1
Author RogerWallace111 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 Thanks for that Ziggy. It is f*cked. After writing that out i started to think I did have hard feelings toward her. Just being pissed off by the idea that she didnt do something to ease my mind about her coworker and his strangely timed evasiveness. And that she'd really crash at his house to top it all off. Yet knowing her, and seeing how she acted during and after, I lean towards nothing actually having happened. Maybe something minor on that late night that made him act awkward. Or hell, maybe more and she's a great actor and no matter what your bond is with someone, when they feel justified they'll do sh*t behind your back. Whatever the case I wish my questions/concerns had been delivered more calmly and we could have talked it out instead of screamed at eachother. I suppose I'll never know the reality. Some explanation or hearing her take on it would have been nice.
Author RogerWallace111 Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 Admittedly pining harder now than ever before. The story of how it all happened seems meaningless. Just wanting her. F*ck. Hurts unbelievably badly. Wishing I hadn't packed up and left, just in hopes that she might've come around if I were still in town with her. 800 miles away, wrestling with this ****. Would hop on a plane tonight but I know that in her mind, for the foreseeable future, we can't be together. Sick to my stomach. And continuing to have minimal contact with her regarding the loose ends of our living situation. Plus, her dad was diagnosed with cancer the day I left and I can't bring myself to not express my concern and stay in touch. As I care about her f*cking immensely. She poured her heart out in a series of messages the morning I left- expressing how much she loved me, was going to miss me, cherished our memories, hoped maybe one day in the future we might reunite. And that all made me feel like things were at least left on a mutually appreciative, wistful note or whatnot. But between then and the next day she heard the news about her father and realized the financial reality of living there without me, and has been relatively cold & bitter since. Feeling abandoned I'm sure. Anyway. Feel f*cked. Gonna try and crash with a friend tonight as I'm feeling like a pussy and need some distraction.
Author RogerWallace111 Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 (edited) In and out of this heavy anxiety. Things got more emotionally twisted when my ex texted me 2 nights ago saying "you could have changed it all, but you had a plan to leave", and ragged on me for not being more friendly with her family who happened to come visit the day after sh*t really took a flop. I was out when I got this text, having a strong margarita with a friend, and it somehow was comforting in that buzzed moment, goofy as that is. The idea of it being my choice. But none of the pain I'm going through is about the principle of the situation or who's hands the "power" was in, and the next day it just had me anxiously over thinking the idea that I could have salvaged things if I'd been receptive to her affection that day. The day after she crashed at the same guy's house who was ultimately at the center of the disputes that killed it all. So I wasn't having it. Funny to accept that I'll never know if my suspicions had any actual grounding. Paranoia heightened by circumstantial coincidence and an idle mind, or a correct gut feeling. She totally owned her actions in a way that makes me lean toward the former, as much as in the moment I felt otherwise. She was very evasive and weird with her boyfriend during the affair with which our relationship began. Either way she handled it in a way I'm unable to accept a girlfriend of mine doing so. Hung with a good friend today who's take on the whole thing snapped some sense in to me. Felt good through that. After a couple hours alone that tightness in the chest and fear of the future without her returned. Think I'll go crash at that same friends house... Where I'm housesitting is isolated and after four nights without much company, save one drinking on the town with a friend, I'm ready for some cheering up. And on a positive note a bunch of cool sh*t is shaping up for the next phase of this move so I will have lots to keep me busy in this upcoming part of my saga. Edited June 8, 2015 by RogerWallace111
ravfour4 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Damn man, I feel for you. I was you in my relationship, being reasonable and logical and asking my girl what's wrong, trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, trying to make things work. You can read my threads, I like many others on here have been through a doozy. I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but my life motto is everything makes sense. That is, if a series of events and explanations makes no sense, it's because you're being lied to. Everything that happened to you would make a lot more sense if she was physically involved with this person, therefore she likely was. Plus, she was willing to act that way with you before so you knows she's capable. Assume that is what happened if it makes you more sure that you do not want to be with her. I think you handled it honorably and should have no regrets. You got out early before you entered a world of lies and deception while she did whatever she wanted while also lying about it to you to keep you. You saved yourself. 1
Author RogerWallace111 Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 (edited) Damn man, I feel for you. I was you in my relationship, being reasonable and logical and asking my girl what's wrong, trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, trying to make things work. You can read my threads, I like many others on here have been through a doozy. I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but my life motto is everything makes sense. That is, if a series of events and explanations makes no sense, it's because you're being lied to. Everything that happened to you would make a lot more sense if she was physically involved with this person, therefore she likely was. Plus, she was willing to act that way with you before so you knows she's capable. Assume that is what happened if it makes you more sure that you do not want to be with her. I think you handled it honorably and should have no regrets. You got out early before you entered a world of lies and deception while she did whatever she wanted while also lying about it to you to keep you. You saved yourself. Some real talk. I was actually very straight forward in questioning the sh*t as it was happening, to an unreasonable extent honestly. It's only since that I've given her the benefit of the doubt, once I started feeling that silly urge to salvage things. When each of the events I mentioned were going on I held back very little, short of being full on accusatory. I almost wish I weren't sooo much the opposite of a doormat; so afraid of being played for a fool. That's how each of the fights began; I could have avoided some stress and just stayed observant. Regardless of exactly what happened, like you said, something must have. And none of it was "cool" conduct to begin with. I'm not going to fully assume the worst, but it's all innapropriate enough behavior that just looking at it objectively has the same effect. F*ck that sketch ass sh*t. Edited June 8, 2015 by RogerWallace111
Author RogerWallace111 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Now I'm considering whether or not to send her an even-toned letter to get some final **** off my chest before dropping contact. Just because her messages, aside from an initial heart pour-out the day I left, have been kind of bitter and laying the blame on me for making the choice to leave, etc. I know silence sends a message, but I don't give a sh*t about the principle of it- I don't want things left on that note. I'd like to at least remind her of some truths, without getting accusatory, and put it out there. Whether she fully acknowledges it or not.
Author RogerWallace111 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Gonna. When someone is your friend for that long, and you cared for them in that way that goes beyond the romantic status, it becomes about more than just the self-preservatory breaking of the love addiction. There's still some mail/business **** I know I'll have to deal with involving her anyway...
Yummm Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Be careful mate, you'll be set back. If you truly want to get over this, silence is the way.
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