Broken engagement over 1 on 1 lunch-coffee w/ male boss

[georgewoo]

My girlfriend works directly under a male boss and they are the only two employees in that department so they only work with each other. They go for weekly one on one lunches and coffee runs together.

 

 

For my girlfriend's birthday one month ago (we were engaged at that point), she went drinking and eating with her male boss one on one for 5 hours at two different restaurants on a Monday night and got home at 11pm. She told me that she was going with her boss, and told me it is okay because she kept me in the loop the entire time she was there.

 

After their dinner, her boss followed up with flirty texts saying:

 

- He's sorry he blew our her birthday candles because he doesn't get out much.

- He "really enjoys her company a lot" and they should celebrate her birthday more often.

 

After waiting one day, I told her it is a deal breaker for me for her to continue all these outside of work activities with her male boss including: weekly one on one lunches and coffee--- especially when her boss clearly likes her based on the things he says to her at work, the $160 he spent on her for her birthday dinner, and the 5 hours he spent with her on a monday night knowing that she has a fiance.

 

She argued that it is part of her weekly routine, and she finds her lunches fun because she can get away from the office. She then said it was like she is losing a friend if she doesn't go to lunch or coffee with her boss and she does not have any friends. I said she can always go take another person from the workplace with her, and she said there's no one else to take with them.

 

She said that it is too controlling to make it a deal breaker for her to go to lunch or coffee with her boss one on on one.

 

I told her then well if your fun is more important than your relationship with me then I will just do my own thing.

 

Fast forward, we fight all week about it, and the Friday immediately after the monday when she went out, we get into an argument about how I think she should take her attorney bar exam because she will remove herself from that job situation and make more than $24 an hour.

 

She then said she can't deal with my critical arguments of her anymore and i've been critical in so many arguments we've had and it hasn't changed in 7 years and people should never have these type of critical arguments.

 

So she said she wants to break off the engagement and take a step back where we are just dating each other.

 

It is absolutely impossible to not be critical in situations like this.

 

In regards to her one on one lunches with her boss, I settled with: I want her to do whatever makes her happy but I wanted to warn her that "work spouse syndrome" is a real thing, and even though she may go to lunch or dinner with innocent intentions, she's giving her male boss who clearly likes her many opportunities one on one to build emotional rapport by doing so many one on one lunches and coffee runs together.

 

 

recently, she got a job title change and her boss thought that she was leaving working with him and so he texted her without any other context saying "I thought we were suppose to retire together? but I support whatever you do."

 

She responded saying what is he talking about? But he never said anything after that.

 

 

Do you have any advice on how I should handle this matter?

 

Thank you so much for your time and help

[jen1447]

Hmm, not really sure what else you can do. If she's gonna step out, she's gonna step out. I think you covered all your concerns pretty well.

 

This is a strange one bc I can kinda see her side too. If she's actually doing nothing, you do seem a bit controlling. The question is is she doing anything. Sounds like there's a lot of potential she is honestly.

 

This is one of those situations where all the advantages lie with the potential cheater.

[CarrieT]

Once engaged, I don't believe you can "step back" to just dating. That means it gives her permission to keep down by what she is doing with her boss and keeping you on a leash in case/when that "doesn't work out."

 

If it is a big deal to you, just end the relationship

[La.Primavera]

Obviously the fights over the past seven years have contributed to her breaking off the engagement so I am not going to judge her reasoning without all the facts.

 

Engagement issue aside, it does seem pretty obvious that she is crossing a line with her boss and is unwilling to compromise. For that reason alone it is a good thing to hold off on the engagement. Your wife should respect your feelings and not compromise the integrity of your relationship.

 

I don’t know if her intentions are innocent in this “friendship” with her boss. However, I am more inclined to believe it is from her side because of her reaction to his last text message about them retiring together. She was either fishing for more attention or utterly confused by his statement. I think it was the latter. You are right to be suspicious of his motives because he is clearly overstepping professional boundaries. Now she is starting to see that for herself.

 

From your side, I think you have done everything you can. You have raised some good points but this is something she needs to figure out for herself. The only control you have is over your own decisions. You either stay and see if she figures it out on her own or you say this is a deal breaker for me and walk away. Only you can answer that. I wouldn’t blame you either way. I guess it depends on how much you still have invested in the relationship and how much trust and faith you have in her.

[minime13]

Did she show you the texts what made you give an ultimatum or did you find them on your own?

 

Which yes, this is reads as an ultimatum: After waiting one day, I told her it is a deal breaker for me for her to continue all these outside of work activities with her male boss including: weekly one on one lunches and coffee--- especially when her boss clearly likes her based on the things he says to her at work, the $160 he spent on her for her birthday dinner, and the 5 hours he spent with her on a monday night knowing that she has a fiance.

 

Communication will make or break a relationship. If you give demands instead of opening discussions about things that bother you, then you will always be met with resistance. It doesn't matter how sound your argument may be. If it feels like there's nothing up for discussion, it will be resisted.

 

Like another poster mentioned, I don't know what the critical arguments are, so I can't understand the context in order to give you advice there. However, if you do make demands and ultimatums about things you see as issues, instead of opening up a line of communication to discuss your concerns, I could see why she's throwing up her hands.

 

You mentioned the deal breaker concerning the boss, and then told her you think she should take the bar exam. There's no room for her to discuss, and that is being pretty critical of her.

 

I would say the best thing is to try to communicate more effectively. Work together and come up with compromises. Deal breaker is a pretty big word to throw around to your fiancee, especially when it is concerning someone else's actions and is suddenly thrown out at her without prior discussion (you didn't mention it - it seems like this was the first "conversation" about the boss).

[georgewoo]

I found the texts on my own the next morning on her phone. Granted we did not talk about the issue before I found the texts.

 

Also of note: in the months of March 2015, and April 2015 she had one on one lunches with her boss at least once (sometimes twice) a week also and I did not have a problem with it.

 

It was only after the 5 hour dinner and drinking on a Monday night until 11pm that made me have an issue with her lunch and coffee runs one on one.

[minime13]

Well, you can't make demands and give ultimatums and expect good results in a relationship. She's a partner - you're a team. You work on things and discuss things together.

 

I'd put my effort and focus on better communication.

[Radu]

I'm not really sure if we can blame the OP solely on the ultimatum front :

- her attitude overall shows a lack of communication or room for negociation

- she was the one who called it off; imho pretty fast call off on a 7yr relationship, despite the whole thing 'we should go back to dating' it actually reads as an ultimatum 'i don't want to marry you anymore because of this'.

- if what the OP writes is true about the pure facts ... it is in fact shady; EA is in the future for her

[minime13]

Seven years of critical arguments could be enough reason to want to call it quits. Sometimes the last straw is the last straw, and whether it is reasonable or not, it is just seen as another critical argument.

 

Communication has to be improved.

[Arieswoman]

georgewoo,

when she says this;

 

So she said she wants to break off the engagement and take a step back where we are just dating each other.

 

it translates as

 

"I want to keep you as a back-up plan while I explore my other options, like sleeping with my boss"

 

The texts from her boss are inappropriate and she should never have let her relationship with him get to the stage it has done. Apart from anything else it's unprofessional.

 

And 7 years is a long time to be with someone without making a marriage commitment.

 

I can't see you having a future with her - I'm sorry.

[organizedchaos]

The boss is way out of line and she knows it. This is not normal supervisor behavior. She is enjoying the attention. You have every right to be concerned and her not respect your concerns is troubling.

[pink_sugar]

The boss is way out of line and she knows it. This is not normal supervisor behavior. She is enjoying the attention. You have every right to be concerned and her not respect your concerns is troubling.

 

I agree. What kind of birthday goes until 11pm with a boss unless you're at a bar...which is unprofessional imo. I like to get away from work on my lunch. I can understand her going to lunch if it's work related...performance review or a meeting. But otherwise this is highly inappropriate.

[bluegreen]

U are spot on and guilt embarrassed and defensive stepped in on her side.

If she was as committed as U are she could have handled this one graciously and with proper boundaries she choose CHOSE not to.

U seem like sensible smart Guy and already know all above and suspect the end of it.

 

 

Best of luck to you in your next relationship...

[preraph]

I dunno. Jeez, I used to go lots of places with my coworkers and bosses. They were on an expense account, so the company can write off half of these expenses on taxes (the company will pay for the other half). So it's not like this is coming out of his pocket. As long as he's entertaining an employee or client, he can do it on company entertainment money. We used to do lunch and go to parties. One of my bosses took an employee fishing one time. He was happily married and she was gay. He and I went to lunch and played pool a time or two.

 

I've been asked on weekend vacations as a small group before by employers. It was all about keeping the employees happy plus yes sometimes you have a good relationship with your boss. It might even get flirty to break up the work boredom, but even that doesn't mean anything comes of it. I've been asked to go to strip bars with a regional manager (I declined). He wasn't after me. He was just including me. One boss, who dated a girl I was friends with at work, even left his BMW with me while he went on vacation. Then I was to come pick him up in it at the airport. He wasn't after me at that time, although we did go out a few times after we weren't working together anymore briefly.

 

I guess I'm just saying there are many different work situations with employers and they aren't all nefarious. Plus just because a man flirts with your fiancee doesn't mean she is going to take him up on it. I do think maybe you two need to take a break, because the only way you're ever going to be able to trust her is to set her free -- and then see if she starts dating him or someone else or whether she keeps just dating you. So set her free and just keep your cool for six months and see if she's involved with him any more than she is now, or if that is just a comfortable work relationship.

[No Limit]

Her breaking the engagement off was a good thing. Now it's time you turn around and cut off all ties to her - she wants to be single to see what affairs at work are like, and you definitely deserve more than being treated like the consolation prize once she had her flings. Find a girl who is actually interested in you, and not just thinking about settling for you once she has no other option. You should be #1 for your GF, not #2.

[minime13]

Like I said on the identical thread you posted in the marriage forum (did you not like those answers?), communication works, ultimatums don't.

[newmoon]

you seem to have it pretty well figured out. work spouses are a definite thing, i have one. and being married/engaged doesn't mean you're off-limits to opposite sex people in the office. in fact, they might see you as a better "work spouse," because you're taken. her boss is clearly out of line though, with his comments. you've got a lot of issues going on. your gf either likes her boss, likes the comments he makes, is scared to not go with him because of his supervisory position, or maybe she's done with you (7 years is a long time to only now be engaged) and she's looking for an out, etc. but you have to let it go, truly. people spend a lot of time at work and you have to trust that your SO is just doing what they should at work; you can't really monitor workplace behavior. you can ask that she not spend her significant events (ie birthdays) or after hours time alone with her boss - coffee lunches and breaks are one thing, but after hours is a no, or should be. you have the right to ask for some changes, but she is entitled to work lunches and breaks with whomever she wants. that's life and you have to trust your partner. women are also women all the time - we don't shut off our sexuality or flirtatiousness or looks when we go to work, lots of us enhance that. so, if she's in a corporate office, she might be using her personality to get people to like her and get ahead. i wouldn't stress, but i'd examine if you really think you'll marry her :-)

[loverboy69]

Out of respect for my SO if it bothered him that I am taking work lunches with another guy (especially one whose motives are questionable) I'd respect his wishes and decline the offer. But generally speaking I am an adult and I will make adult decisions in my life including situations where I need to maintain my own self control. I don't plan on living my life in a bubble always walking on egg shells.

 

Indeed it is tricky when a manager is involved. Sometimes subordinate employees feel they have to be accommodating to their management in all areas in fear of retribution.

[georgewoo]

Thanks for your perspectives.

[georgewoo]

Thanks for your perspectives.

[organizedchaos]

Thanks for your perspectives.

 

So now what are you going to do?

[d0nnivain]

So she said she wants to break off the engagement and take a step back where we are just dating each other.

 

Do you have any advice on how I should handle this matter?

 

In general work lunches may be part of the company vibe philosophy. Lunch with this guy who is inching over the line with her is more problematic.

 

Have you ever met this boss? Can you pop by your GF's office to take her out to lunch? Can she arrange an after work happy hour so the boss sees you with her GF?

 

If you don't trust her to behave properly even in the face of inappropriate behavior by another man you certainly can't marry her.

 

She may enjoy the attention & be flattered by it. Her playing along doesn't mean she would act on it but it does feel very disrespectful to you. Is she willing to tone it down, ask for the non-work texts to stop & verbally remind the boss at least one per day that she is engaged?

 

Unfortunately though, because she has mentioned going backwards in your lives to only BF/GF & not being engaged, I don't see her as being as invested in your future as you are are. Be cautious.

[writergal]

GeorgeWoo, it does sound like your former fiance aka now girlfriend's values are incompatible with yours. If she downgraded the engagement because you asked her to have better, more appropriate work boundaries with her boss, then I think you are spinning your wheels by staying involved with her. She's made you - her boyfriend - into an option.

 

I realize that you've been together for 7 years. But time means nothing when two people are incompatible with each other.

 

If you stay with her, it's the same as enabling her behavior with her boss, who has clearly crossed the line with your girlfriend but doesn't stop because she won't ask him to.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

For some women power is an aphrodisiac. She's clearly not into anymore (even before she broke off the engagement) & doesn't value your current social status. Break up with her & expect her to start dating her boss shortly. Move on.

[preraph]

Work lunches are sometimes necessary for entertaining clients or to have a private meeting outside of the office where others might hear. I would never dream of turning down a lunch invitation with any of my bosses because they're the boss. If they made advances, I'd stop that and possibly change jobs, but that has never happened to me over lunch. I've had plenty of friendly, flirty banter with just about every man I've ever worked with, but it was nothing more than something to break the monotony. Your woman has to be able to have a job, and I don't think you'll be happy anytime she's out of your sight. If you have a real documented reason why you can't trust her because you've busted her for cheating before and caught her at it, then that's one thing, but to worry about a man at work -- well, you should know your woman better than that. If she isn't trustworthy because she lies all the time (cheaters always lie), dump her. If she's not a liar, she is probably also not a cheater.