imtrying211 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Maybe this is a silly question. I'm just wondering if when you have finally accepted that the relationship is over, accepted that they are not coming back, do you still get overcome by sadness? Or should the sadness have gone away and that's when you know you've accepted the facts? I'm almost 2 months post breakup, and was NC for a little over a month. I had a conversation with my ex yesterday, basically to clear the air so that we could be civil towards each other at work. I didn't go into it with any other expectations than that. The conversation went well, and we ended on good terms. We both agreed we couldn't be friends, partially because he is back with his previous G/F, which I already knew. During our talk I mentioned how I felt like he just wanted his old life back, which I understood. He agreed, and said that he felt isolated living with me, had tried to adjust, but just couldn't. He had given up a lot when he moved in with me, living a life in the city, and then moving out to the suburbs. Our ridiculous commute to work, not seeing his friends often, etc. had taken it's toll. So, that all kind of reinforced the fact that even if he leaves his current G/F at some point, he won't come back to me because I can't give him the life he wants. I had no choice but to give up hope. I went home and had a good cry, deleted whatever remnants of him that I was holding on to, and told myself, well that's it. Then today when I got to work, the sadness started again, I guess it's the realization that this really is the end. Maybe I jumped the acceptance gun, thinking it's that easy to just move to that stage?
Lizrd3000 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Maybe this is a silly question. I'm just wondering if when you have finally accepted that the relationship is over, accepted that they are not coming back, do you still get overcome by sadness? Or should the sadness have gone away and that's when you know you've accepted the facts? I'm almost 2 months post breakup, and was NC for a little over a month. I had a conversation with my ex yesterday, basically to clear the air so that we could be civil towards each other at work. I didn't go into it with any other expectations than that. The conversation went well, and we ended on good terms. We both agreed we couldn't be friends, partially because he is back with his previous G/F, which I already knew. During our talk I mentioned how I felt like he just wanted his old life back, which I understood. He agreed, and said that he felt isolated living with me, had tried to adjust, but just couldn't. He had given up a lot when he moved in with me, living a life in the city, and then moving out to the suburbs. Our ridiculous commute to work, not seeing his friends often, etc. had taken it's toll. So, that all kind of reinforced the fact that even if he leaves his current G/F at some point, he won't come back to me because I can't give him the life he wants. I had no choice but to give up hope. I went home and had a good cry, deleted whatever remnants of him that I was holding on to, and told myself, well that's it. Then today when I got to work, the sadness started again, I guess it's the realization that this really is the end. Maybe I jumped the acceptance gun, thinking it's that easy to just move to that stage? I think you lost hope, I don't think you've accepted it. I think, generally, when people accept it's over, they become indifferent? Because for me, my ex flirted and 99% cheated on me during our relationship. I KNOW that we won't be back together ever, that's not acceptance though. I lost HOPE of us ever getting back together. And I still feel f*cking sh*t about it. The time we come to terms and accept reality as it is, is probably when indifference sets in. Don't take my word for it though.
ZiggyZoo Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I think it's normal to be a little sad, yes. Especially if, like you said, you still mourn for your old life. I completely remember going through that very thing when my ex-husband left. He was a cheating as*hole, and I got over him, but there were still times when the loss of our marrigae, or not being able to take family vacations with our girls would make me cry.
Arieswoman Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 imtrying211, 2 months is no time at all. Be patient and be kind to yourself. You will heal in your own time. 1
Pastmen Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Your situation is rough, but on the other hand you can stop having any more expectations about him coming back in your life. When you're still hoping for that moment to happen it can take a very long time to forget about that feeling and to move on. In your situation you should do the same as he has done. Find someone that fits in your life, someone that doesn't care about living somewhere else because he loves you. If he really loved you and cared about you he would've loved to live there with you and he wouldn't have complained about the situation. 1
towch Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I don't know, I guess this proves more to me that people handle breaks up differently and there is no rule book to getting over it. My Ex cheated and dumped me stating she need to become a better person. I chased and tried to convince her that we could move passed it. Then i found out she was still seeing the other guy, i saw pictures of them holding hands and kissing. That was my reset switch, i actually much better almost instantly it because my hope was severed and that was what held me down. I was always like "maybe she will call me next week to fix things" Seeing those things did it for me. I saved the pics, whenever i think of her i look at those pics and it reminds me why i dont want to be a mile in her vicinity. I knew what i needed to get my healing ball rolling and i found it. killing hope did it for me, find you ladder....only you know yourself best 2
jen1447 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Loss of hope is a form of acceptance actually. You no longer believe reconciliation's possible, which equals accepting it's not possible. The basic stages of breakup grief imo are despair (which is the process of losing hope and a horrifyingly painful process at that) and then despondency, which is the condition of having no hope. (That manifest moreso as listlessness, depression, etc.) Some unfortunate ppl stay there, but most move onto the final acceptance part eventually that gets birthed with despondency. If that makes any sense. That's my amateur assessment btw, not science or medicine, but I think it's pretty accurate.
loveweary11 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 For me, final acceptance came about 2 1/2 years later, when I had enough new memories to never think of the ex again. Final acceptance is not even caring little about the loser you made the mistake of being with. 1
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I think you can accept that it's over and still grieve for the loss of the relationship. I've read that some psychologists believe that we grieve a breakup in our minds in a similar form as we do when we experience a death of someone in our lives. Just like you can accept that a person who died isn't coming back, you can accept that a reconciliation of a relationship isn't going to happen but still be sad for that loss. 1
Author imtrying211 Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom. I think my problem is that I am trying to force myself out of this rut instead of giving myself time to heal. I don't want to feel this way anymore, I don't want to cry anymore, I don't want to feel weak anymore. Yesterday I told myself "this will be the last day you cry for him", but here I am crying as I type this. I've been through a lot in my life that I have been strong enough to deal with, and I don't like the fact that I'm not strong enough to get past this. I know 2 months isn't a long time, but to me it already feels like an eternity. Maybe because I never felt heartbreak like this before, so I don't know how I'm "supposed" to be feeling. The only other time in life I've cried this much is when my mother passed away, so I guess it is like dealing with a death, and in time that did get easier.
Thecondor1991 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 I think you lost hope, I don't think you've accepted it. I think, generally, when people accept it's over, they become indifferent? Because for me, my ex flirted and 99% cheated on me during our relationship. I KNOW that we won't be back together ever, that's not acceptance though. I lost HOPE of us ever getting back together. And I still feel f*cking sh*t about it. The time we come to terms and accept reality as it is, is probably when indifference sets in. Don't take my word for it though. Agreed completely. I have lost hope for me and my ex's relationship, but I'm still having a hard time accepting it. The day we broke up I realized it was for the best but it doesnt make the healing process any easier.
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