LoveIs Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I'm a woman with everything in place except the relationship I want to have. I have a lot to give and share with the right someone. I met a man that I had incredible chemistry with, but red flags abound. He is going through a divorce. He has very little dating experience, owing to a very long marriage. During our very first date, he indicated that one thing he was sure about is that he is not ready for a serious relationship. An earlier version of myself would have pretended to be ok with casual, hoping that patience would be rewarded with the relationship I want. Instead, I said I could understand that with all he was going through, but that I am not really in a place in my life where casual relationships make sense. I do want to take time to get to know someone, but I'm eventually hoping to find an intimate partnership. Should be end of story, right? I made it explicitly clear that I can't have casual sex. I become attached to partners that I sleep with, so I requested that we don't go there without that type of relationship. He called, texted, wanted to FaceTime me when I traveled for work. Wanted to see me every spare second he could. Did the things that boyfriends do, and then indicated that he DID want to have an exclusive relationship and wanted to see where things went. Wanted to be committed. Talked about how to introduce me to his family and friends. I took him for face value, but unfortunately would try to ignore the occasional bouts of "I can't promise anything," or other phrases meant to shake things back down to a casual level. He would say he was all in, then say he couldn't do it, back to being all in again. We had a lot of fun together. Out of the blue, he started saying things about experiencing other people. At first he meant casually, no sex, then he mentioned he wanted to have sex with other people (but not with anyone specific in mind). That really didn't sit well with me. He later admitted to being at a gathering and meeting someone he would have liked to ask out and that made him really question committing to me. A little embarrassing to admit, but this all happened over a very short time frame. Had we taken it slower, I could have been ok with a slow moving relationship, but to jump in and out so quickly like that is confusing. I told him this wasn't the relationship I was looking for. I regret that I wasn't very nice in the way that I told him that. I feel really jerked around and I was hurt. My head wants to understand that this is a guy in a rough place who needs time to figure out what he wants and who is likely terrified of commitment. I requested that he respect my boundaries and not contact me any longer. My trust had been violated by the constant in and out. Pushing for me to tie up loose ends and be exclusive, then turning around and wanting to casually date other people; it did not make me feel very special. I'm not missing anything here, am I? I need to move on, don't I? Makes sense; he can't give me the relationship that I want, so I ought to find someone that can. Why, then, do I feel so terrible and want to reach out and apologize and try to negotiate for something that works?
smackie9 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Because you are in love with the IDEA of a relationship and your emotions are forcing you to want this to happen. 1
smackie9 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 btw, your gut was screaming at you......at least you finally listened to it and saved yourself from grief. Good lesson learned.....stick to your guns, and stop listening to the bull sh it.
Vercetti Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I don't get how someone that was married could be considered lacking in dating experience...they got married somehow and successfully dated thier wife for a duration of the relationship. Beyond that, you want a relationship with someone that does not, that would be a mountain of problems even if they did. So if your dating experience is so profoundly exacting...date someone that has realistic potential for a relationship considering thats what you want.
Author LoveIs Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 I don't get how someone that was married could be considered lacking in dating experience...they got married somehow and successfully dated thier wife for a duration of the relationship. I agree with you, but those are his reasons for wanting to date a lot of people right now. Married young and soon into the relationship.
Author LoveIs Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 I think what I am really wrestling with is the notion that what I want is actually reasonable. I feel as though I may have botched an opportunity with someone good by letting it move too quickly.
Vercetti Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 So he wants to act like a nut and sleep with anything that will go cause he was on lockdown when married. You already know, not the guy for you...let him be someone else's problem. Sorry for whatever abstract reason you've gotten hung up on this guy. Go after someone else, that will cure it quick...shouldn't be hard to find someone with far less problems.....all they have to be is single and open to a potential relationship.
misspond Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I think what I am really wrestling with is the notion that what I want is actually reasonable. I feel as though I may have botched an opportunity with someone good by letting it move too quickly. You didn't botch anything, you're just double checking that your boundaries are in place and it sounds like they are. There's nothing wrong with wanting someone to be on the same page as you are before and also it's easy to get hung up on someone who offers a few indications that they find you attractive. You'll be ok, just take a deep breath and let him go (I know, it's easy to say and if it helps I had to do this too recently, after 14 years out of the dating game) and continue to look for someone who wants the same as you do.
aloneinaz Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 You've made the right decision. Red flags should be screaming at you left and right. He's freshly divorced. He wants to go out and sow his oats again. He doesn't want a "commitment".. At best, you'd be his rebound relationship after his marriage. When I first divorced, I started online dating. Many women asked how long I'd been divorced. When I said less than a year, most VANISHED. They were looking for a relationship and had the experience to recognize a freshly divorced guy wasn't. As I got more experience in the dating world again, I soon would avoid like the plague any girl who listed "separated" on their status. I also started quizzing gals about how long they'd been single since they've been divorced. There's WAY too many guys out there looking for what you are that don't have the baggage of a fresh divorce. I hope you move on and keep searching for him.
SammySammy Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I think what I am really wrestling with is the notion that what I want is actually reasonable. I feel as though I may have botched an opportunity with someone good by letting it move too quickly. What you want is reasonable. It's just not what he wants. Therefore, you're incompatible. There's nothing wrong with what he wants either. It's perfectly understandable. I've been there. I think it is probably best to respect each other's wishes and move on. Trying to work out something that neither of you is totally happy with would only lead to frustration and resentment.
Gary S Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 He is on the rebound. Don't date people who are on the rebound. Just because a person is beautiful and breathing does not mean they are good relationship material. 2
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