lantern Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Me and my boyfriend are both in our early 30s and have been dating for about a year now. I'm European, he's Indian and we met in Canada. I had to leave Canada so I'm back home now, but was planning to come back. I'm getting second thoughts though and am completely puzzled at the moment. We come from completely different backgrounds and have some fundamental differences. He was raised in a very traditional family, so he "has" to get married and have kids. I'm from a very laid back environment and never had adesire to get married and have a family. We talked about this and I told him I have no intention to get married, especially not to please someone (=his parents) and that I don't really want to have kids. He commented that things can change, meaning that he believes I will change my mind sometime in the future. I don't think I will ever change my mind about marriage and yet he still believes we'll get married one day. I'm still not 100% decided about the kids, although I'm more on the no side at the moment, but if we ever had kids, they would be Hindu by his words. I'm not religious and have no issues with my BF being Hindu, but I don't think I'd be ok raising my child in this religion. I would teach my kids about all religions and let them decide whatever they want to believe in. My BF thinks it's beneficial for the kids to be religious (his argument was about kids getting into certain schools easier if they are of certain religion, but I don't know much about it), but I don't think that is necessary in this day and age, especially in developed countries. We lived together for a while and I noticed he's a bit lazy. I don't mind doing a bit more domestic chores than my partner, but I expect that he at least cleans after himself and helps me when I ask him to. He didn't care much about that and he only helped a little after I asked him at least 10 times and after extensive talks about it. Another thing that bothered me was that he doesn't really do anything with his free time. I like to do many things, and he was willing to participate, but he never made any suggestions on his own. It doesn't sound like a big thing, but I know it would start to annoy me after a while. He's also extremely hard to get out of bed before 11am on the weekends, which I don't like either. Apart from that, I really love him and he's one of the sweetest and caring people I ever met. He loves me a lot as well and shows me that he adores me every day. He was the first and only guy I let close in three years after my previous long-term relationship ended. We laugh a lot together and talk about anything. He comforts me and consoles me a lot. I feel at peace when I'm with him. I know that I would break both of our hearts if I get out of this relationship, but I'm afraid this relationship wouldn't be successful on a long term. I would appreciate any comments, especially form people who have been in a similar situation.
StalwartMind Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I think in your situation most of it depends on him and his side of the family. As you said you are from a laid back environment and that typically gives you the advantage of being fairly flexible with things. I'm in agreement about raising a child and making them aware of all possibilities, so once they become adults themselves they can make their own choice about what to do. Anyway depending on him and his family, even among people from different cultures it is possible to accept a lifestyle that does not include all the typical traditions. Such as getting married and having kids like he mentioned. I would definitely communicate more about this subject, because perhaps he does and is willing to accept a life with you that does not include all of the typical traditions and expectations. Finding someone you feel comfortable, secure and at peace with is a tremendous feeling. I'll always advocate being good at talking about things, even subjects one may not enjoy, as it can all help you become a better and also more understanding person. We all have difference tolerance levels but telling someone to do things multiple times is a trait I think most sensible people are not that fond of seeing in others. It can be changed, granted, not everyone is willing to do so. For whatever value it may or may not have, I haven't had to deal with such an experience personally, but I do relate to coming from a very laid back environment plus having a mind that welcomes any challenge. Hopefully you two can figure things out together and keep enjoying each others company.
davidromero43 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Like you said, you are different people. Everyone is taught certain priorities and values from their parents. Their parents taught them, and so on. So everyone has this list of what is expected of them. We can choose to do it, and make our parents happy knowing we accepted their teachings. Or we can ignore it by making our own priorities and values, thus ignoring all the teachings of generations. But what happens is that at the end of our lives, we figure out that we really just wanted to be happy all along. Nurse reveals the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed 1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 2
sandylee1 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 You guys have too many differences to get through and have a successful and happy marriage. I'm Christian and had an ex who was Muslim. He wanted any future kids we had to be Muslim and I realised he had no compromise on that. There were too many cultural differences with us, so we went our seperate ways. Long term, you really need to consider this relationship. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Apart from that, I really love him and he's one of the sweetest and caring people I ever met. I had to laugh because you just posted a laundry list of major cultural, religious, emotional, lifestyle and philosophical differences, any of one which would derail most relationships, and then said "apart from that" everything is wonderful. Apart from that iceberg, the maiden voyage of the Titanic was pretty uneventful :eek:! I will say this - any LTR would be a real test of the "opposites attract" theory... Mr. Lucky 4
writergal Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Me and my boyfriend are both in our early 30s and have been dating for about a year now. I'm European, he's Indian and we met in Canada. I had to leave Canada so I'm back home now, but was planning to come back. I'm getting second thoughts though and am completely puzzled at the moment. I feel at peace when I'm with him. I know that I would break both of our hearts if I get out of this relationship, but I'm afraid this relationship wouldn't be successful on a long term. QUOTE] Sounds like a difficult situation because your boyfriend and you are from completely difficult worlds, with opposite lifestyles, viewpoints, etc.,. I think the only way relationships with incompatibilities like the ones you two have, can only last if both people involved reach compromises about everything.
berniev Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I had to laugh because you just posted a laundry list of major cultural, religious, emotional, lifestyle and philosophical differences, any of one which would derail most relationships, and then said "apart from that" everything is wonderful. Apart from that iceberg, the maiden voyage of the Titanic was pretty uneventful :eek:! I will say this - any LTR would be a real test of the "opposites attract" theory... Mr. Lucky Major cultural, religious, emotional, lifestyle and philosophical differences can be set aside if all parties involved adopt the spirit of being open mind and compromising. Obviously compromise needs to come from BOTH sides. OP, not sure how old you are but things do change. If you are young and don't want kids, you may find yourself wanting one later. The problem is you need to have a conversation now with your lover about this. What if you do NOT want one later? As for the religious part, he needs to drop this the children must be raised as a Hindu thing. It's totally unfair to you or to the children. So either drop it or be separated now. Being lazy is OK as long as you are willing to tolerate. Being sloppy and dirty is actually your fault. Kids being sloppy because their mommy always cleans up behind them. So stop being his mommy. If he doesn't clean up his own stuff, leave them for him to clean. You can also ask him to pay you to clean up his stuff. Charge him a big fee by all means. :-)
Author lantern Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 (edited) We are in our early thirties. I don't think he would be willing to raise a kid in a non Hindu way, we discussed this a few times and he firmly believes in his religion plus I think it has to do with his family. He mentioned a few times that his parents are above everyone else, but I didn't really dig too much into that. I also know for fact that if his mother would be widowed in the future, he would bring her to Canada to live with him/us (in the same house). The reason why I cleaned his mess was because it was a shared house. We lived there with two other couples and I did it as a courtesy to them. Edited June 3, 2015 by lantern
Arieswoman Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 lantern, I really don't think this is going to work in the longterm because there are too many fundamental differences and areas of non-compromise. A work colleague (English) married a Hindu and has been married for 30 years. It has worked because they both made compromises. She;- 1. Learned Hindi and became a vegetarian. 2. Learned how to cook Indian ( and I mean proper Indian not the Bangladeshi stuff that you get from supposed "Indian" restaurants 2. She agreed to bring their child (they just have one) up as a vegetarian. 3. The child was given both Hindu and Christian teachings/values. 4. She went back to India for several years to live with him and his family. He;- 1. Agreed to be married in a church (this was followed by a big Hindu wedding in India. 2. Agreed to come back to live in UK so she could advance her career. I'm not hearing about any areas of compromise in your relationship - sorry.
sandylee1 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 We are in our early thirties. I don't think he would be willing to raise a kid in a non Hindu way, we discussed this a few times and he firmly believes in his religion plus I think it has to do with his family. He mentioned a few times that his parents are above everyone else, but I didn't really dig too much into that. I also know for fact that if his mother would be widowed in the future, he would bring her to Canada to live with him/us (in the same house). The reason why I cleaned his mess was because it was a shared house. We lived there with two other couples and I did it as a courtesy to them. Children are a major issue in a relationship. If you don't want them and he does, it won't work. There's no compromise, you can't have half a child. He must really love you, to still want marriage without a child. It's not something I would ever have agreed to. Not to generalise, but a lot of other cultures expect women to be submissive and clean up after their husbands. These problems are too much to deal with. The cultures see men as superior and I'm not sure you can really cope with that. My ex said similar things, but also that he could have another wife according to his religion. Your BF would bring his mother if widowed and you would have NO say in it. This man is probably a good guy, but he's not the man for you. You'll probably be expected to look after his mum as well Inter cultural relationships can work, but you guys are poles apart.
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Me and my boyfriend are both in our early 30s and have been dating for about a year now. I'm European, he's Indian and we met in Canada. I had to leave Canada so I'm back home now, but was planning to come back. I'm getting second thoughts though and am completely puzzled at the moment. We come from completely different backgrounds and have some fundamental differences. He was raised in a very traditional family, so he "has" to get married and have kids. I'm from a very laid back environment and never had adesire to get married and have a family. We talked about this and I told him I have no intention to get married, especially not to please someone (=his parents) and that I don't really want to have kids. He commented that things can change, meaning that he believes I will change my mind sometime in the future. I don't think I will ever change my mind about marriage and yet he still believes we'll get married one day. I'm still not 100% decided about the kids, although I'm more on the no side at the moment, but if we ever had kids, they would be Hindu by his words. I'm not religious and have no issues with my BF being Hindu, but I don't think I'd be ok raising my child in this religion. I would teach my kids about all religions and let them decide whatever they want to believe in. My BF thinks it's beneficial for the kids to be religious (his argument was about kids getting into certain schools easier if they are of certain religion, but I don't know much about it), but I don't think that is necessary in this day and age, especially in developed countries. We lived together for a while and I noticed he's a bit lazy. I don't mind doing a bit more domestic chores than my partner, but I expect that he at least cleans after himself and helps me when I ask him to. He didn't care much about that and he only helped a little after I asked him at least 10 times and after extensive talks about it. Another thing that bothered me was that he doesn't really do anything with his free time. I like to do many things, and he was willing to participate, but he never made any suggestions on his own. It doesn't sound like a big thing, but I know it would start to annoy me after a while. He's also extremely hard to get out of bed before 11am on the weekends, which I don't like either. Apart from that, I really love him and he's one of the sweetest and caring people I ever met. He loves me a lot as well and shows me that he adores me every day. He was the first and only guy I let close in three years after my previous long-term relationship ended. We laugh a lot together and talk about anything. He comforts me and consoles me a lot. I feel at peace when I'm with him. I know that I would break both of our hearts if I get out of this relationship, but I'm afraid this relationship wouldn't be successful on a long term. I would appreciate any comments, especially form people who have been in a similar situation. Your'e in a fog, because you love him. In other words, you're permitting your heart to rule your head. However, I think you can already see that "Love isn't enough". You've highlighted some pretty big Red Flags - most of which, I would certainly say are what are known as 'deal-breakers.' Marriage: You, no. Him, yes. Children: You, no. Him yes. Religion: You no. Him yes. Tell me, where is the 'compromise' if the ideals are complete opposites? How can you compromise on 'marriage'? How can you compromise of 'having children'...? How can you compromise on 'Religion'? And he is lazy because most Indian men are, when they're so deeply entrenched in the bosom of their families, and tied as strongly as he is, to Cultural traditions. He's lazy, because he has always had a woman picking up after him. And now he has you, to carry on that role. Fall into that trap, and I can assure you, there is no way out, because you will lose, at every turn. I speak from past experience.... It's a lose-lose situation for you, because if you won't do it, I assure you, neither will he. And in the end, you will be obliged to do it because you will simply not be able to stand the mess. And he will get away with it time and time again, because guess what? He can. I'm sorry, but this is just too many bridges to have to contemplate crossing. sandylee is right. This one is just too weighed in his favour to ever leave you feeling contented with your lot. Commit to this, and you might as well put your head on a block. 1
Author lantern Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 I know, I've been contemplating a lot about all of these things and sometimes I think I'm crazy for even thinking it can work out, but sometimes I think that maybe we can work it out. When it comes to religion, I was actually raised as a Catholic, although non of my parents are believers. I attended religious classes during primary school, but I don't believe in God, don't go to church and am against Vatican policies. I have to say I would actually discourage my child if it ever wanted to go to church but obviously wouldn't prevent him/her form going there if she/he really wanted to. Honestly, I don't know much about Hindu religion and what kind of role it plays in one's upbringing, but I would probably feel left out as parent on this. I imagine it can create a barrier between me on one side and my partner, child and his family on the other side. When it comes to kids, I don't know why I'm so indecisive. I never felt like I really want kids, I'm not the kind of a woman that adores babies and toddlers. They are cute and I don't mind them, but I don't feel an urge to have them. I was single for quite some time and felt like I never wanted kids, but when I met my BF I started feeling like maybe I could have one. I know I would try my absolute best to be the best mom possible, I just don't know whether I would enjoy it lol. About marriage, sigh... The thought of me walking down the isle (obviously we wouldn't have a church wedding) in a white dress makes me want to scream. I know I would be one of those run away brides. I could never ever go through an Indian wedding, and I know his brother had a HUGE one. I like the idea of living together as partners without getting married, or possibly get married years into a relationship, but it would be just signing the papers, no guests, no flowers, no nothing. I already know how to cook some Indian food, but my BF likes pretty much anything I make (non indian food included). His parents are vegeterians, but he's not. His parents also don't drink alcohol, but he does (never in front of them). One more thing I'm worried about is his career. He's starting his career in a foreign country, meaning he will be working long hours. He told me already I would be by myself a lot, at least for the first five years. About his mom... It seems like he's very attached to her. I have no idea what the dynamics would be if she moved into the house. I know it's extremely nice of him to be taking care of her, but I think anyone can understand my concerns. I asked him if I would have to take care of her, but he said it's his mom so he'll take of her. Yes, he is a very nice guy, but can you imagine living in a house with both of them and let's say we have a kid by then? I think the household would be turned into a completely Indian household without me having any say about the religion, food, etc. My ex was messy as well. At the end of our relationship I couldn't stand him anymore, partly because of this as well. I just can't stand when people can't even clean their mess, I find it very disrespectful. I snapped at my BF a few times because of this, although I tried to hold it back. Still he never did the dishes even if we agreed he'd do them before having a meal. Another thing which really pi**ed me was when for example, he was standing in the kitchen, I would be sitting in the lounge and then he would be asking me to make him a coffee. I mean, seriously? I know this might seem like a small thing, but it makes me feel like I'm his maid.
Author lantern Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 Just one more thing... Sometimes he calls me selfish for not wanting to get married. He just doesn't understand me on this. I think he would actually be willing to live together without getting married, but would have to have a wedding just to please his parents. I told him several times that getting married to make someone else happy is the last thing on Earth anyone should do, and that's when he calls me selfish.
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Yup. Like I said, Love isn't enough. I understand about your Catholic upbringing. I'm half-Italian, and I was born, baptised, raised and educated in Catholicism. But I don't have any abiding antipathy against 'God'. I actually don't care one way or the other whether s/he exists or not, I'm non-committal either way. I think what helps is that even within my Catholic Italian family (many, if not most, of whom attend mass regularly) I have never found any hostility or resentment, or even contradiction to my opinions, at all, and they all know I follow a Buddhist path. Which is quite different to Hinduism. As to the remainder of your post... You're just accurately detailing and outlining ever precise reason why this just isn't going to work. And as for kids: If you really wanted them, or had any possible inclination towards having any - you'd know. As it is, you're experiencing confusion because of societal 'should's.... It's perfectly OK, acceptable and in my opinion, utterly commendable that you're not into kids, so please don't have any 'for the sake of it' and particularly in THIS situation! BIG no-no! His messiness alone is a major turn-off. And that will never, ever change. Ever. I think you're going to have to seriously brace yourself and prepare for a final show-down. So let's say you tell him, emphatically: There will be NO marriage. There will be NO children. There will be equal and acceptable sharing of ALL household duties. There will be NO living with his mother. And he will drop you like a baked brick. So frankly, knowing what you know about yourself, it would be much fairer if you 'let him go' first. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Just one more thing... Sometimes he calls me selfish for not wanting to get married. He just doesn't understand me on this. I think he would actually be willing to live together without getting married, but would have to have a wedding just to please his parents. I told him several times that getting married to make someone else happy is the last thing on Earth anyone should do, and that's when he calls me selfish. No, selfish is expecting someone from outside of your culture, religion and societal habits to conform to your wishes, just to please someone else! THAT'S selfish!!
MJJean Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 I'm converting to catholicism. In my conversion process I've had to deal with marriage issues. So, this is something I know a bit about. First, you are not a believer. But that could change. My DH was raised catholic, fell away in his early teens, became Pagan and then atheist, and in his late 30's felt he should return to the Church for both spiritual and cultural reasons. I was raised Lutheran, fell away, also became Pagan and then atheist, and felt a pull toward the Church in my late 30's, so I began the conversion process. If you'd asked either one of us, even as recently as 3 years ago, would we step foot in a catholic church we'd have said NO! Things change as time passes. I am also not one who goo's and gahhh's at infants and toddlers. I have 3 kids, ages 21, 16, and 14. I did not want kids...ever. I got pregnant accidentally (birth control failure) and became a mother. Turns out, I absolutely, fiercely, love my children and raising them has been a lot of fun. Hard at times, true, but for the most part they have given me a lot of happiness and I'm glad I had them. The key to being a parent and remaining sane is to have a sense of humor, never worry about the small stuff, and above all BE A BIT SELFISH! Trust me, you'll have more patience and be in a better mood if you make time for yourself no matter what and even *gasp* leave the child with a sitter regularly and go out on a date with your man. As a woman ages, her risk for miscarriage, complications during pregnancy, and complications during delivery rises. So does the risk of the child having a disability. If you are seriously considering a child, you might want to think about trying to conceive soon-ish. It takes time to conceive, carry, give birth, and recover. If you wanted to have more than one, you would want to start as soon as you're married and settled to give you the best odds of successful pregnancy and birth. If you don't want kids, you need to decide that and firmly tell your man so that he can decide if he is willing to give up fatherhood. When one has a child, they begin to rethink pretty much everything. Being a parent changes your life and how you view the world, the past, and the future. A lot of people reevaluate their faith or lack of faith after having a child. It's possible that, if you were to become a mother, you might feel pulled back to the faith you were raised in and want your child to also be raised in that faith for traditions sake, if nothing else. Something for you to consider. Like many, your possible future husband could decide to step up the practice of his faith once he became a father. If he does, are you willing to share a household with a seriously practicing Hindu? Can you adjust and adapt to whatever his faith requires? Now, the Church requires it's members to be married in the faith or the marriage is invalid from a religious standpoint. This complicates things when talking about reversion, the Sacraments, etc. So, as someone who is considered catholic by the Church by virtue of Baptism, you might want to consider future possibilities and simplify things by either applying for a dispensation to be married outside the Church or simply marry in front of a priest and witnesses in a small ceremony. That way, the marriage would be valid according to Canon Law and, if you were to revert, you wouldn't have to worry about it. We have a Hindu-Catholic couple at our church. They recently had their children Baptized. The Hindu faith is pretty open and has no problem with Jesus in particular or Christianity in general. From what I understand, Hindu's see Jesus as simply another of many faces of the Divine. As far as practice of the Hindu faith, if you were to keep a proper household it would be a daily part of your life. Your possible future husband and child(ren) would be obligated by their faith to attend festivals and worship, etc. Would you be ok with them going off to practice their religion while you're not a part of the faith and it's traditions? Would you feel divided from your family? Would you be sad? I know you've said you don't want to marry for years, if ever, and that you do not want a big wedding if you do marry. Believe me, I understand. I married at the courthouse with a Justice of the Peace officiating so that I didn't have to deal with planning and paying for a wedding. Too much bother, stress, and drama for me! Luckily, I met a wonderful man who sees such things my way. Many a bride or groom has sucked it up and gone through the big deal wedding for the sake of the person they love. If having a big wedding meant a lot to my husband, I would have gone through with it for him because I love him and want him to be happy. I couldn't take something so important away from him. In the 12 years we have been married, I have many times done things, gone places, seen people and watched/listened to things I didn't want to because it meant something to my DH. He has done the same for me. It's part of any decent long term relationship. If he wants a big wedding and you want him for the rest of your life, then agree to it. If not, do the right thing and let him go so that he can find someone who does want to get married and who either wants a big wedding or would have one for his sake. From what I know of the culture, parents are basically revered. It would be expected that he care for his aging or widowed parents in his own house as long as is possible. So, he is serious when he says that his mother would live with you if she were to be widowed. And he's being honest when he says he will "take care" of his mother. But what he really means is that he will provide for his mother and his wife will be the primary personal caretaker. And, to make it even better, because she is his mother it is traditional to follow her instructions and to appease her. Which means she would in effect be in control of your household. Obviously, she could be very polite and laid back or she could be a tyrannical drama queen. Others have addressed the cleaning issue. Culturally, he more or less sees that as the woman's job. But you can always try using feminine wiles to get him to be tidier.
Mr. Lucky Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 He told me already I would be by myself a lot, at least for the first five years. Honestly, all the cultural/religious differences aside, has it occurred to you that he may simply not be good husband material :eek:? He seem less than respectful of your input, wishes, time and role. Nor does he come across as nurturing of your relationship. I don't care what his background, his "take it or leave it" position regarding your future life doesn't position you for marital success... Mr. Lucky
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 While I take MJJean's lengthy and extremely rational post on board, it seems that she and her husband are working well together to consider both sides of their relationship and the compromises required. You however, lantern, seem to be indicating that any and all modifications would have to come from you, with little or no compromise at all from either him or his family - which is somewhat unreasonable, not to say wholly unacceptable.
OldRover Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Yup. Like I said, Love isn't enough. I understand about your Catholic upbringing. I'm half-Italian, and I was born, baptised, raised and educated in Catholicism. But I don't have any abiding antipathy against 'God'. I actually don't care one way or the other whether s/he exists or not, I'm non-committal either way. I think what helps is that even within my Catholic Italian family (many, if not most, of whom attend mass regularly) I have never found any hostility or resentment, or even contradiction to my opinions, at all, and they all know I follow a Buddhist path. Which is quite different to Hinduism. As to the remainder of your post... You're just accurately detailing and outlining ever precise reason why this just isn't going to work. And as for kids: If you really wanted them, or had any possible inclination towards having any - you'd know. As it is, you're experiencing confusion because of societal 'should's.... It's perfectly OK, acceptable and in my opinion, utterly commendable that you're not into kids, so please don't have any 'for the sake of it' and particularly in THIS situation! BIG no-no! His messiness alone is a major turn-off. And that will never, ever change. Ever. I think you're going to have to seriously brace yourself and prepare for a final show-down. So let's say you tell him, emphatically: There will be NO marriage. There will be NO children. There will be equal and acceptable sharing of ALL household duties. There will be NO living with his mother. And he will drop you like a baked brick. So frankly, knowing what you know about yourself, it would be much fairer if you 'let him go' first. Lantern, The above post says it all. You don't have one or two strikes against you... you have ALL the strikes against you... the only think you have is you seem to be in love with him. Anyone of those strikes could be a deal killer. All of them would be a miracle to survive. You would have to go through a MAJOR cultural, religious, philosophical, and social changes. None minor. If you want this relationship to work you have MORE than enough work to do, the red flags are waving like crazy. It's your choice, but there's nothing more miserable that fighting over those flags and any one of them could rapidly suck the love out of your body. I don't believe in telling people what to do... that's your choice, but sure looks like a recipe for disaster.
Author lantern Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 Thank you for your replies. Funny thing is, he somehow always makes me think he's the one sacrificing more for me. He always says how much he loves me and I can honestly feel that he really does, but his actions don't convey it at all. I know this is very subjective, but he never once offered to make me a tea/coffee, take me out for a walk or even gave me a massage as a return favor. These kind of every day traits are things I value a lot and I need from my partner. Sometimes he makes me feel like he wants to get me and then never make any effort again. I think he would be extremely happy with me taking care of his needs and him taking care of my financial needs only (I told him many times I can take care of myself very well, but I know that's one area he really would provide). About religion again - I think it's unnecessary. You don't need to be a member of a religion to be a good person. I wouldn't mind attending Hindu festivities but would probably feel out of touch. I would hope my child would feel the same way about it as I do (unnecessary, but festivities can be fun).
berniev Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Thank you for your replies. Funny thing is, he somehow always makes me think he's the one sacrificing more for me. He always says how much he loves me and I can honestly feel that he really does, but his actions don't convey it at all. I know this is very subjective, but he never once offered to make me a tea/coffee, take me out for a walk or even gave me a massage as a return favor. These kind of every day traits are things I value a lot and I need from my partner. Sometimes he makes me feel like he wants to get me and then never make any effort again. I think he would be extremely happy with me taking care of his needs and him taking care of my financial needs only (I told him many times I can take care of myself very well, but I know that's one area he really would provide). About religion again - I think it's unnecessary. You don't need to be a member of a religion to be a good person. I wouldn't mind attending Hindu festivities but would probably feel out of touch. I would hope my child would feel the same way about it as I do (unnecessary, but festivities can be fun). Hindu is way more fun than Christianity! I'd think a person can only be good when he's free from religion but that's my opinion as I see religion as opium for the weak minded.
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Well, you have a lot to think about; or rather, actually, you don't. It's all here, plain as a pikestaff (no, I don't know why we say that either) but you've got the sharp end of the deal, and there's no avoiding some pain when you see what you have before you.... I think personally, in your shoes, I know precisely what would need doing. And it hurts to think about it. But think about it you must, because otherwise you're going to end up with an awful lot of wasted time on your hands... I don't envy your position, but it's relatively obvious to one and all, what your best course of action is....
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Hindu is way more fun than Christianity! I'd think a person can only be good when he's free from religion but that's my opinion as I see religion as opium for the weak minded. Well then your mind is weaker than theirs, because I know an awful lot of people who are extremely bright, lucid and very much in touch with reality, whose religions mean a lot to them... You're a little hasty in your dismissiveness of those whose lives feel enriched and fulfilled by their devotions.
Author lantern Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 (edited) And just for the record - yes, I love him and am in love with him as much a human being can be. I think about him all the time, wanting to be with him ... I'm thinking about whether I should stay with him or not all the time, which makes me cry all the time, sometimes even waking up in tears in the middle of the night. I know I would break his and my heart. I've been staying at home a lot lately, just because I can't hold back my tears. I broke up with him a while ago (because of my doubts about our relationship) and was in hell for the two months we didn't see and talk to each other... I was just crying all the time, everywhere (yes, even on the bus!). When we got back together I fell in love with him even more, but it would hurt so much more now to break up again. I get very dark thoughts, but I know I can't hurt myself, because I would cause immense pain to my family and friends. I keep wishing I wouldn't wake up in the morning or get into a car accident... I am really, really messed up and I don't know if I can handle it. I had a very tough break up with my ex in the past, and I honestly think I don't have the strength to go through all of this again. Edited June 4, 2015 by lantern
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 And just for the record - yes, I love him and am in love with him as much a human being can be. I think about him all the time, wanting to be with him ... I'm thinking about whether I should stay with him or not all the time, which makes me cry all the time, sometimes even waking up in tears in the middle of the night. I know I would break his and my heart. I've been staying at home a lot lately, just because I can't hold back my tears. I broke up with him a while ago (because of my doubts about our relationship) and was in hell for the two months we didn't see and talk to each other... I was just crying all the time, everywhere (yes, even on the bus!). When we got back together I fell in love with him even more, but it would hurt so much more now to break up again. I get very dark thoughts, but I know I can't hurt myself, because I would cause immense pain to my family and friends. I keep wishing I wouldn't wake up in the morning or get into a car accident... I am really, really messed up and I don't know if I can handle it. I had a very tough break up with my ex in the past, and I honestly think I don't have the strength to go through all of this again. Well goodness, this is bad. And you have a real dilemma on your plate. But from outside of the woods, we, who can see the trees know one thing: You'll be miserable without him, but you will develop even more misery with him - unless you decide to conform and adapt to what he wants. But you would need to do it willingly, enthusiastically and because it's something you really, really want to do, for yourself. Not him. This is a crushing dilemma for you, but I foresee an unfulfilled and unhappy 'lantern' if you permit your current heart state to rule what in essence your head is rebelling against.
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