minimariah Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I believe marriage is the first priority and children are the first responsibility. Ended up, he treated her (and her mother) like his wives and me like a child. your H can't balance the kid & new wife and that's really the entire problem. doesn't know how to mantain healthy boundaries, doesn't know how to bond with his kid without leaving you behind, can't balance you & the kid, doesn't know how to make a bond between the three of you as a unit. my father is one of those rare men who managed to do it right. he always had me on his #1 but he never allowed his wife to suffer because of it. i was never used as some kind of tool to remind the wife how she'll never be the #1 in his life. we were both the #1 and he simply learned how to balance that out. i tried to manipulate him in during typical teen years but he wasn't having it! your H failed, i assume, at that test. your H allowed everyone else to set up the rules and he followed. it is what it is, leave that marriage. there is nothing there for you, this man doesn't give a crap about you.
Mr. Lucky Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I would assume then that you have been a supportive husband and not allowed your children or any of your exes to treat your wife poorly. I would also assume that you consider your wife before making arrangements with your ex and never letting her know a darn thing without her having to ask. I would assume that you treat and respect your wife as a wife and not as a 2nd rate citizen. I would also assume that you would never allow any of your exes to threaten your wife's life, or banish her from visiting your sick child in hospital, or harassing your wife night and day with nasty calls, texts and e-mails. Well, I'm only in charge of me, can't really control what ex-wives, children or spouses do. Understand your situation was difficult, as Pteromom said your hurt is evident in your posts. Just pointing out that, in both the length and dynamic of your marriage, much was up to you. Going forward it's the same way, choices are all yours. Hope they lead you to a better place... Mr. Lucky 1
No Limit Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 You married a wimp who never had the backbone to stand up to a snake who brainwashed her poor kid (which I feel very sorry for). You might have wasted a decade but you can finally make amends by divorcing and never looking back. Stick with the men who aren't stupid enough to fall for silly highschool mindgames, otherwise a relationship beyond aquaintance has no chance.
Tayla Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Hope your counseling goes well, you sound like you are picking up the pieces and forging ahead . You sound like you are coming out of the fog and dealing with things as best you can given the circumstances. that is alot to endure.
Author DinnerForOne Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 You married a wimp who never had the backbone to stand up to a snake who brainwashed her poor kid (which I feel very sorry for). You might have wasted a decade but you can finally make amends by divorcing and never looking back. Stick with the men who aren't stupid enough to fall for silly highschool mindgames, otherwise a relationship beyond aquaintance has no chance. When I think about it... it was such a mess from the start. A poisoness Bio Mom who used her child as a pawn to try and break up my H & I and at the same time tried to punish my H by withholding access. A daddy whose head was spinning from guilt at not being able to see his child and never knowing from one day to the next if the rubbish he was being told by his ex (Daughter doesn't want to see you etc, etc,) was true or not. And a terrified little girl who was told that when Daddy marries DinnerForOne he won't want to see her or love her anymore. I was the arch-enemy. I have been reflecting on my role in the breakdown of the marriage. It's hard to face the hard-hitting truth. But that's what I am doing. I am willing to identify and accept my responsibility in the demise of the marriage. I am going to deal with the consuming guilt I feel over my role. I am then going to forgive myself and not repeat those mistakes EVER again in ANY relationship or friendship. 3
Author DinnerForOne Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Today I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I'm still having such a hard time accepting that this marriage is over. To make matters worse, Sunday was my B-Day and I was sort of, kind of, expecting a breadcrumb. In hindsight I am glad it didn't come, but it still HURTS. My STBEH and I have a very good friend in common. In fact he is the one who introduced us to each other all those years ago. I went out for a drink with him yesterday and made a decision to break contact with him too. He is too close to STBEH and I just cannot carry on the friendship. I think it's unfair on me and unfair on him because I cannot help but talk about STBEH. I'm job hunting crazily. I need distraction. I have been to the gym everyday for the past three days, but am having a real down day today and cannot get myself there. *Sigh*
Author DinnerForOne Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) As I was typing my previous entry I hear "Ping".... it's a message from STBEH informing me that he will be overseas from xth - yth June and enquiring if everything in "the house" is in order. Why, why, why????? Is he really concerned about everything in the house being in order, or is he throwing me a breadcrumb? Do I even respond? Edited June 9, 2015 by DinnerForOne
unrequitedluv Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I only can say yours sucks as much as mine do. I am glad that you didn't have kids with him. Your situation was much better as it was less complicated. Make yourself look hot and attractive. There are plenty of guys out there. It doesnt have to be him. He really dont fit. Its not easy. because I am stuck in the same situation as you do. Or rather I am having worst than you. But I believe you can! dont waste a single second on him anymore. starting from today!
Author DinnerForOne Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) I only can say yours sucks as much as mine do. I am glad that you didn't have kids with him. Your situation was much better as it was less complicated. Make yourself look hot and attractive. There are plenty of guys out there. It doesnt have to be him. He really dont fit. Its not easy. because I am stuck in the same situation as you do. Or rather I am having worst than you. But I believe you can! dont waste a single second on him anymore. starting from today! Ugh! Today my thought process has been consumed by him. I wish I could just bleach him out of my head and heart. It has taken EVERYTHING for me not to respond to his text message. Does NC work when you are still married? I mean divorce papers have not even been served yet due to a document that the attys are trying to locate. Yes, he's moved out. Not lock, stock & barrell, but his personal items are gone. I am still living in HIS house. He told a mutual friend last week that IT IS OVER and he has no intention of trying to reconcile. That was hard to hear and I have decided not to have any contact with that friend anymore. The less I know, the better. I'm spinning.......... Edited June 9, 2015 by DinnerForOne spelling correction
No Limit Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Yes, NC works as long as you don't have children. Every important thing can be dealt with via lawyer, the rest is optional. Don't let the "I won't reconcile" and other stuff get to you - you already wrote that you know you too put pressure on him in your position as wife, and I think you will understand that someone who is besieged by craziness from family and ex-GF and even his own child is going to be happy to have no more responsiblities in his life (because frankly, he can't handle them anyway). Unless he goes back to his crazy ex, he will remain single for the rest of his life and likely still not see what's wrong. Quite sad when an adult has no real control over his life because he's just too lazy to pick up the reins. Frankly, I wonder what would happen if he got involved with another crazy one and gets her pregnant. It would finally challenge his ex and would provoke nonstop bitch fighting... Err, anyway; in the end the whole situation has been controlled by his ex. You really shouldn't let it get to you that much. Perhaps you should stick to childless men for a while so at least that's a worry less.
Author DinnerForOne Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Yes, NC works as long as you don't have children. Every important thing can be dealt with via lawyer, the rest is optional. Don't let the "I won't reconcile" and other stuff get to you - you already wrote that you know you too put pressure on him in your position as wife, and I think you will understand that someone who is besieged by craziness from family and ex-GF and even his own child is going to be happy to have no more responsiblities in his life (because frankly, he can't handle them anyway). Unless he goes back to his crazy ex, he will remain single for the rest of his life and likely still not see what's wrong. Quite sad when an adult has no real control over his life because he's just too lazy to pick up the reins. Frankly, I wonder what would happen if he got involved with another crazy one and gets her pregnant. It would finally challenge his ex and would provoke nonstop bitch fighting... Err, anyway; in the end the whole situation has been controlled by his ex. You really shouldn't let it get to you that much. Perhaps you should stick to childless men for a while so at least that's a worry less. I have to say that the way I feel right now is not to ever get involved with ANYONE again.
Author DinnerForOne Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) Frankly, I wonder what would happen if he got involved with another crazy one and gets her pregnant. It would finally challenge his ex and would provoke nonstop bitch fighting... Let's remember there are now TWO baby-momma's. If he is thinking of reconciling with the one that has recently popped up, it would be devastating for his other daughter - utterly devastating. Having her daddy, that she has known since birth, living with her newly found half sister 24/7; I shudder to think of what kind of effect that would have on her. Baby momma #1 has already told DD#1 that she doesn't want her to have anything to do with Baby momma #2 or DD#2, her half sister. It WILL escalate, I know this woman, I've had to put up with her nonsense for 10 years - this is NOT going to turn out well. I think STBEH knows this and for some or other reason thought that divorcing ME would solve his problems. And for those who have suggested that I have been a failure to her..... I will say this; I cared deeply about her and her wellbeing and I still do. My husband made her a priority, which is fine. What is not fine is that he did so at the EXPENSE of our marriage. When DD#2 popped up - he literally threw me under a bus. So yes, I did feel a bit of resentment, my resentment was mis-directed, I see that now, but no more resentment..... I am letting go. Edited June 10, 2015 by DinnerForOne
Author DinnerForOne Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 Today I initiated contact with my husband. He called yesterday saying that he is travelling overseas and can't find his passport. Now let's remember he moved out two weeks ago. Anyway, I told him where I last saw it when he was still here (in a drawer that he emptied when he moved) and he said he would look for it. This morning I text him asking if he found his passport. He said yes thanks. So I texted him back saying "Thank goodness. Safe trip." He texted me back saying he's already there (UK) but thanks. How do I feel. I dunno. But I thought he was only leaving tonight and did not want to sit here on tenter-hooks wondering if he was coming over to look for his passport or not. That's why I made the call. I'm really not sure about NC in my situation. I'm conflicted. He's moved most of his clothing out as well as his musical equipment and other hobby type stuff, but the rest is still here. This is is house and he has access. Divorce papers have not been served yet. I am trying to focus on this: The best thing I can do for him and ME right now is to focus on my wellbeing....... deep down inside I hope he comes back. I miss him so much and love him with all my heart. I am just having such a hard time letting go of our 10-year marriage.
Author DinnerForOne Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 (edited) I have been job hunting like a nut! Still nothing! I know it takes time, but I have come to realise that I need to learn new skills. So this is my dilemma: I have come across a certification (endorsed by a University) in a career path that I am really interested in and would like to follow. I really really really ..... did I say I REALLY want to do this. The problem is that I would have to ask STBEH for the money. I live in an African country so in US$ terms it is in the region of $2000 and is run over a 26-week period. It is on-line based. Any suggestions on how to address this. ETA: I have just turned 46 so I have ZERO time to waste. Edited June 11, 2015 by DinnerForOne Add Paragraph
WasOtherWoman Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 (edited) I have been job hunting like a nut! Still nothing! I know it takes time, but I have come to realise that I need to learn new skills. So this is my dilemma: I have come across a certification (endorsed by a University) in a career path that I am really interested in and would like to follow. I really really really ..... did I say I REALLY want to do this. The problem is that I would have to ask STBEH for the money. I live in an African country so in US$ terms it is in the region of $2000 and is run over a 26-week period. It is on-line based. Any suggestions on how to address this. ETA: I have just turned 46 so I have ZERO time to waste. I would think that he would be happy to contribute to whatever will help you to become self-supporting quickly, right? I don't know what your intentions are / law is with regard to support, but it is definitely in both of your best interests for you to become self-sufficient as quickly as possible. I would approach him that way.... that you are working towards being self-supporting. He "should" want to help with that.... P.S. good for you for deciding what you want to do and going after it!!!! Edited June 11, 2015 by WasOtherWoman added P.S.
Author DinnerForOne Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 I would think that he would be happy to contribute to whatever will help you to become self-supporting quickly, right? I don't know what your intentions are / law is with regard to support, but it is definitely in both of your best interests for you to become self-sufficient as quickly as possible. I would approach him that way.... that you are working towards being self-supporting. He "should" want to help with that.... P.S. good for you for deciding what you want to do and going after it!!!! Thanks so much for the encouragement. I posted a proposed e-mail on the "coping" section. Do you have any thoughts on it? I would really appreciate your feedback.
Author DinnerForOne Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 I e-mailed this to him: Hi STBEH, I am putting an immense amount of effort into job hunting and have been for the past couple of weeks. Whilst scouring various job sites, etc. it has become clear to me that in order to find employment with decent earning and growth potential, I am going to need to obtain more up-to-date skills that employers are looking for. Whilst continuing my job search, I would like the opportunity to study this gfjoasdgfsjg The entire program takes 26 weeks, is endorsed by "XYZ University", at a cost of approximately 12345678. I believe the sooner I start this program, the sooner I will become more marketable with this certification and my growth and earning potential will be substantially increased. Would you consider providing the financial resources to me so I can do the course? Regards DinnerForOne I'll let him chew on this whilst he is overseas, he'll be back mid next week. I DO HOPE he agrees. Holding Thumbs!
WasOtherWoman Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Sorry, stepped away for a bit. Great email!!! Fingers crossed for you!
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