sandylee1 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 You should be more important than these girls and if he's not going to speak to them again, it doesn't really matter what they think about him. If you get married and this continues, all it takes is a bit of stress in your lives, you just having had a baby and he's got a woman on hand with no respect for your relationship. Not everyone has the morals not to sleep with a married man. The ex is in the picture more than I'd be happy with. It's also so easy to get back with an ex . Truthfully, I couldn't marry a guy who disregards my feelings, because by not cutting them out of his life, he's doing just that. I would not live with him, or walk down the aisle while he's in contact with these ex gfs. I'm a stronger character and would simply issue an ultimatum. End contact for the very good reasons you've stated or I'd walk. Fundamentally , what the girls think matters more than you. That's what he's indirectly saying. Why not get him to read these replies. To show you're not being unreasonable.
katiegrl Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Showing him this thread won't do any good. Even if intellectually he knows he should give them up....bottom line is he DOES NOT *want* to! kp...you cannot make him or force him to want to...he either wants to all on his own, because he is not interested and it is detrimental to your relationship... or he doesn't. You have NO control over what he wants to do and IS doing...you can only control your own response to what he is doing. Six years is nothing! People walk away from unhealthy relationships after 20 years...or longer! You are only 24...you have your whole life in front of you! I would advise you to not waste any more time dealing with this crap. I am sorry.
Author kp15 Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 Thank you all for your responses! I clearly have a serious decision I need to make regarding our relationship. He swears his contact with them is super limited and that he only hears from one of them once in a blue moon! He said that the last time Girl #1 reached out to him was in November last year. Girl #2 called him in March and before then it had been several months since they've spoken and would probably be another several months before she reached out again. For clarification, he did not answer the 2:30am call and was shocked because he had not spoken to her since he told her he was in a relationship several weeks prior. He showed me his call log and his text thread to confirm it because I was beyond skeptical. He also does not see them and they live in completely different states. I have made it clear to him that if he ever met up with either one of them in any capacity, anywhere, for any reason, I would leave him on the spot. While I understand that this is not a constant communication they have. I wish he would not speak to them at all, not even once every few months. He seems to think this is absurd because he has never cut any person off before (ex or otherwise) for any reason, so the idea is foreign to him. This whole post came about because I felt compelled to ask him if he has spoken with either of them recently and he stated that he didn't want to talk about this anymore with me. I think this is unfair because clearly the situation makes me uncomfortable and if I want to ask some questions to ease my concerns, the least you could do is oblige me. My major concern is that the main reason he doesn't talk to them often is because they do not call him often anymore. But if they were to decide to increase their phone calls, he would pick up and be back to talking with them often. It hasn't necessarily happened yet and that is why he always tells me I'm worrying over hypotheticals that have not even occurred. This is why I am skeptical about leaving a relationship. It still feels like it can be worked through. If there was ever a blatant act of cheating or something like that, I would leave in a heartbeat. To the contrary, he has tried to reassure me of his intentions and his loyalty. However, I wish he would accommodate my request more fully.
Emilia Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I think you need to work out why you rationalise your needs away so much and why you are so afraid of raising the bar higher. It's pretty low. 3
minime13 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 He doesn't want to talk about it anymore because he doesn't see that he's doing anything wrong. He is not contacting them, but just responding when they reach out. So, he feels like he's being accused, most likely, every time the conversation is brought up. The reason why it is, actually, inappropriate is because your relationship and #1's relationship (sexually) has overlapped. And, honestly, #1 sounds like she is up to no good, if she's contacted him with innuendo (meeting up) or sent late night texts while knowing he was in a relationship. Like I said, above, there are three things you can do. One, you can continue to on your current path of trying to force him to talk about it with you, and it will lead to a break-up. Two, you can accept what he says, get it out of your mind, and rely on the trust you have otherwise. I'm about 95% certain this has to do with age and maturity, and it will be something he grows out of. If you feel the relationship is worth overcoming this problem, then you'll have to put some work into it to accept it. It's not easy. Three, you can accept that you will never be okay with this, and tell him you will never be. This, too, will be the end of the relationship. You will be one of his lessons to show that you cannot hang on to your exes. There is a world where we can be friends with exes and be cordial to them. It doesn't exist within a short period of time after they become an ex, and it should never be in the same intensity of friendship. It just isn't, if you set appropriate boundaries. Best of luck. 1
BC1980 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 (edited) You were a FWB for 4 years then got upgraded to an on and off relationship. How much has been on and how much off? He most certainly is keeping ties with his former FWBs to get sex at some time. He won't marry you either. Edited June 3, 2015 by BC1980 1
Trishern Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 (edited) Thank you all for your responses! I clearly have a serious decision I need to make regarding our relationship. He swears his contact with them is super limited and that he only hears from one of them once in a blue moon! He said that the last time Girl #1 reached out to him was in November last year. Girl #2 called him in March and before then it had been several months since they've spoken and would probably be another several months before she reached out again. For clarification, he did not answer the 2:30am call and was shocked because he had not spoken to her since he told her he was in a relationship several weeks prior. He showed me his call log and his text thread to confirm it because I was beyond skeptical. He also does not see them and they live in completely different states. I have made it clear to him that if he ever met up with either one of them in any capacity, anywhere, for any reason, I would leave him on the spot. While I understand that this is not a constant communication they have. I wish he would not speak to them at all, not even once every few months. He seems to think this is absurd because he has never cut any person off before (ex or otherwise) for any reason, so the idea is foreign to him. This whole post came about because I felt compelled to ask him if he has spoken with either of them recently and he stated that he didn't want to talk about this anymore with me. I think this is unfair because clearly the situation makes me uncomfortable and if I want to ask some questions to ease my concerns, the least you could do is oblige me. My major concern is that the main reason he doesn't talk to them often is because they do not call him often anymore. But if they were to decide to increase their phone calls, he would pick up and be back to talking with them often. It hasn't necessarily happened yet and that is why he always tells me I'm worrying over hypotheticals that have not even occurred. This is why I am skeptical about leaving a relationship. It still feels like it can be worked through. If there was ever a blatant act of cheating or something like that, I would leave in a heartbeat. To the contrary, he has tried to reassure me of his intentions and his loyalty. However, I wish he would accommodate my request more fully. I know exactly where you're coming from KP15. The bolded applied in my case too. I had this very problem with my H, who was in touch with an ex occasionally. He had shared personal details of our relationship with her and I was very upset about it. It was bothering me a lot and although I tried to put it to the back of my mind, I really couldn't. I brought it up with him and because it was just occasional, he didn't see the problem. Like your BF, I don' t think he wanted to seem like the bad guy severing all ties. I'll give you a link to the thread, but he eventually sent her a NC text, which said I wasn't comfortable with the contact and he understood where I was coming from. I did say that I could very well dig out my Ex BFs to contact if he thought it was okay and he didn't want that. I've been married for a while and we have kids, so it was different. In your position, if he didn't stop , I'd walk. My H would not have wanted me unhappy, because I can be very stubborn and life would not have been good for him (or me) if the contact didn't stop and it was really stressing me out. Regards, Mrs Trishern Here is the link I got him to post. I post as Mrs Trishern http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/521881-wife-wants-me-cut-all-contact-ex-girlfriend Edited June 3, 2015 by Trishern Addition
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I think the fact that you have your hunches up, your suspicions running high etc.. you should reconsider your future with him. What's screaming out loud from these threads is, " I don't want to leave him, because I am in love with him, but i don't trust that I am as much of a priority to him as he is to me." With that being said, a future with him is already going down the toilet. Although we can speculate it's an age thing, he's not going to necessarily grow up overnight and come to his senses. I have had to suffer for a man's growing pains before, I didn't need to wait for him to grow up for me. He chose not to, at that age I was not a priority for him, but that didn't mean I had to wait on him to realize that he was being a dickhead. He was being a dickhead at the time and so I left him. He's all matured now and so forth, do I want him back? NO! friends? Yes, but I left a toxic relationship before it discolored my view of men for good. What do YOU want out for YOUR life!? becoming an amazing lawyer? going forth and prospering in your chosen career? those of the things you should make as a priority! this man who is holding you back with this emotional baggage that HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU is clearly not making YOU HIS priority as he has no respect for you r wishes that are clearly validated at all. Plus telling the grandkids of time you and your future douchelord husband met, like " oh we met because your grandfather was banging someone and me at the same time for four years before we made it official." is not a very hopeful or inspiring story to tell them. You have to think about YOU and you are young enough to put yourself first, and besides you should, for the sake of your future and what you want out of it.
BC1980 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 He is so concerned with not looking like an ******* to these girls that he can't even tell them to stop calling. He's not concerned with looking like an a** to these women. He's concerned with keeping them on good terms and at arms reach for sex in the future. Straight honesty. . . . he's not that invested in your relationship. Any man that honestly wanted a relationship with you would never entertain contact with former GFs or FWBs. His maintaining contact with these women is symptomatic of the entire relationship being unsteady. I don't think he's terribly interested in any type of future with you. I think he's ambivalent and could take it or leave it, which is why he keeps in contact with these women. He needs them for backup when he decides to walk away. I bet he was the one who thinks that you need to sit for the bar before marriage. There will always be some "road block" in the way of real commitment with him. I bet you'd marry him tomorrow if he asked. I don't say that that condescendingly either. I genuinely feel for you because I know what it's like to invest years with a person who isn't as committed but that you really want to believe is in it for the long haul. Being FWB for 4 years means that he has little respect for you. Men don't respect women they used to sleep with on occasion. And you've been on and off for 2 years. That is hardly stable. On and off relationships are always destined for trouble, and it's generally one side who is controlling the relationship. In this case, he is in complete control. It's interesting that you say you have a 6 year investment because I doubt he sees it that way. I just think it's terrible that he even justifies having contact with these women when he knows it hurts you. It means that he puts his pride and needs before the relationship, and that is always bad news. 1
GoBlue Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 He was having sex with her at the same time as me before we got into a relationship... something I did not find out until later I am not exactly sure what you think sex is - it most definitely IS a relationship. It's the most intimate relationship that can exist between two people in this world. This casual approach to sex is why the two of you are where you are at right now. He has had multiple partners, he maintains friendships with at least two of these ex-partners, and it isn't a big deal to him because sex isn't a big deal to him. Have it whenever and wherever you want with whomever you want. Now that the two of you are "in a serious relationship" his attitude hasn't changed. The fact that he is not willing to give up these relationships is a HUGE Red Flag. It's blowing in gale force winds! I understand that there are friendships that have been developed over time with the opposite sex that can be deep and literally no threat to a relationship. There is trouble ahead, however, when one partner decides that those relationships are more important than being honest and open with the person they are supposed to marry. If the two of you are seriously considering engagement than the time for counseling is now. Please reconsider the idea of living together (it really isn't a good way to prepare for marriage) and think about reaching out to a family counselor or Pastor to discuss your relationship. It could be the best decision you will ever make. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 1
kendahke Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 (edited) Thank you all for your responses! I clearly have a serious decision I need to make regarding our relationship. He swears his contact with them is super limited and that he only hears from one of them once in a blue moon! He said that the last time Girl #1 reached out to him was in November last year. Girl #2 called him in March and before then it had been several months since they've spoken and would probably be another several months before she reached out again. For clarification, he did not answer the 2:30am call and was shocked because he had not spoken to her since he told her he was in a relationship several weeks prior. He showed me his call log and his text thread to confirm it because I was beyond skeptical. He also does not see them and they live in completely different states. I have made it clear to him that if he ever met up with either one of them in any capacity, anywhere, for any reason, I would leave him on the spot. I seriously doubt you would. You're already using the excuse that you've invested 6 years into this... that means if you invest 8-10 years, your investment would be worth less? Gird yourself: if one of them does come into town, he's going to meet up with them because he considers them friends and your feelings about his friendships don't matter---if they did, these women wouldn't be able to contact him. While I understand that this is not a constant communication they have. I wish he would not speak to them at all, not even once every few months. He seems to think this is absurd because he has never cut any person off before (ex or otherwise) for any reason, so the idea is foreign to him. This is absurd because that is not the type of person he is, and to paraphrase someone else on this site who so aptly stated in another thread: everyone has a right to be who they are, even if they are an a**hole. This whole post came about because I felt compelled to ask him if he has spoken with either of them recently and he stated that he didn't want to talk about this anymore with me. I think this is unfair because clearly the situation makes me uncomfortable and if I want to ask some questions to ease my concerns, the least you could do is oblige me. You keep asking him questions whose answers you already know. That's why he refuses to discuss it further with you. Let me help you out: He is saying that he's going to have these women in his life and you're going to have to get with that and be quiet and content with what you have with him if you want to be his woman. THAT is what he is saying to you. I mean, *I* can hear it and it's being filtered through you on a public forum. My major concern is that the main reason he doesn't talk to them often is because they do not call him often anymore. But if they were to decide to increase their phone calls, he would pick up and be back to talking with them often. It hasn't necessarily happened yet and that is why he always tells me I'm worrying over hypotheticals that have not even occurred. He's going to have them in his life despite how you feel about it. THAT is what he is saying to you. This is why I am skeptical about leaving a relationship. It still feels like it can be worked through. If there was ever a blatant act of cheating or something like that, I would leave in a heartbeat. To the contrary, he has tried to reassure me of his intentions and his loyalty. However, I wish he would accommodate my request more fully. There is no working on anything here, except for you. He's laid out his terms for being with him. Either you get with them or you bounce. He's not going to accommodate your request beyond what he has accommodated so far. You have to tolerate his friendships if you want to be his woman. Edited June 5, 2015 by kendahke
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