Was this a break up cop out?

[paloma22]

Hi guys, So I have been dating someone for about 6/7 months. Our relationship was slow to start but we first met (online) back in September. I was always fairly skeptical of the relationship and his intentions as he had gotten out of a 4 year relationship about 6 months prior, but he really pursued me. His parents are also fairly newly divorced (2 years ago) and while I know his father has moved on, his mother has been having a very difficult time. We are both in our late 20s.

 

Things have been generally good and easy - I've met his friends/family and he's met mine, we've got a ton in common and have lots of fun together.

 

Because I've been hurt in the past, i had walls up for a long time until out of the blue a month or so ago he gave me an ultimatum that i needed to open up emotionally otherwise he wasn't sure where this was going. he kept referencing 'what he was used to' and i know he meant his ex bc she was a very outgoing/all over him girl (I believe). He's told me that he's totally over her and I do believe him, but the comparison still bothered me. Side note: I believe they broke up because she wanted a ring and he couldn't commit.

 

After this talk, I totally changed my tune. I became this super available, mushy girlfriend and let my walls down. I may have overdone it, but I thought this was bringing us closer. At one point he did acknowledge that I actually had a vagina (as a joke) and was quite an emotional girlfriend.

 

Recently, his grandmother who he's very close with was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and because he's in the medical field, has been managing a lot of the family response to things/trying to be there for her. Lately, he's also been making more jokes whenever I would try to get closer to him emotionally/ deflecting it. I finally brought it up Friday night and he acknowledged that it was his way of deflecting emotions and that he was generally slow to open up in relationships. I would say I've been fairly accommodating lately because of his family issues/ making him a priority potentially before myself at times (which i realize now was a mistake). I have also been going with the flow of his emotions, and I guess giving but not really receiving. I got small bits of affection, and I guess I thought it was developing organically...

 

Saturday he also found out his dad has a blood clot/needs surgery. At the same time he had dinner with some of his friends (who when I met, gave us/him a hard time about meeting online/ they may have thought i was some random chick).

 

Sunday night he shows up and tells me completely out of the blue that he needs "some time" because he thinks he's been taking advantage of me. He said he's also nowhere near opening up emotionally/saying I love you and can't figure out why. He also said it didn't have to be a break up but he needs time to think and realizes that he needs to be able to miss me to see if this can work/go to the next level. He says there have been 'signs' of this like deflecting when i would bring up traveling together (but I can't read his mind), which makes me think he a) has clear communication issues and b)makes this a one sided relationship/all about him. He also said that if he comes back and I've moved on that is the risk he takes. He said the family stuff has something to do with it but not all. He also said he's never met someone he has more things in common with/ does more fun stuff with. Basically, totally blindsided me with all of this new, hurtful information.

 

I was totally shocked, acted slightly desperate and then told him to leave. He took his stuff with him and I in a haste helped him pack it.

 

Is it over and was this just a cop out break up conversation?

 

I hate that he doesn't want me in his life at this difficult time. But maybe he just doesn't want me period. Maybe its for the best if he cannot communicate? Is his current/past family circumstances/breakup history a reflection of a commitmentphobe?

 

At first I was shocked and extremely hurt by his words, and now I'm just upset at him and the way he handled this.

 

Thanks.

Edited June 3, 2015 by paloma22

[aloneinaz]

With what you've stated, it doesn't appear he was ever committed or "all in" in this relationship. If anyone I was dating told me that she wanted time away from me after 6-7 months "to see if she'll miss me", boy would I give it to her. I'd vanish from her life forever.. That would be a major deal breaker.

 

 

Personally, I think you did right by helping him pack his stuff and telling him to shove off.

 

 

There are way too many others out there for you to put up with this guy.

[foolinlove79]

People give all kinds of reasons to break up. At the end of the day they all mean one thing...i dont want to be in a rs with you...its that simple

[Methodical]

This guy lays down an ultimatum - open up emotionally or our relationship might not go anywhere. It's not until after his ultimatum that family members fell ill, and he has the audacity to tell you now, a month after you've bared your heart and soul, that he can't open up and needs some time. Hell no!

 

He was being honest when he said he had been using you. What kind of asshat gives an ultimatum he can't fulfill himself? Again, prior to family health issues.

 

The best thing you did was helping him pack his sh*t.

[foolinlove79]

This guy lays down an ultimatum - open up emotionally or our relationship might not go anywhere. It's not until after his ultimatum that family members fell ill, and he has the audacity to tell you now, a month after you've bared your heart and soul, that he can't open up and needs some time. Hell no!

 

He was being honest when he said he had been using you. What kind of asshat gives an ultimatum he can't fulfill himself? Again, prior to family health issues.

 

The best thing you did was helping him pack his sh*t.

 

In my experience its always going to be something....if it wasnt them not opening up they would find something else to complain about. Its just bull**** excuses. He is an asshat. Lol

[minime13]

In this particular situation, I wouldn't say it is over per se - as in, he's going to come back and talk his way back in, even if it's for a bit. However, there are many red flags that you brought up about him that make me think you should rather be asking yourself, "when he comes back, do I want him back?"

 

First, ultimatums usually end relationships. He gave you one, which was ultimately a projection of his own difficulties.

 

Second, he compared you to his ex, specifically, when telling you how he wanted you to be. That's insulting, first, and not up to him to tell you how to be, second. He can accept things about you or not, but he can't tell you how to be (kind of ties in to the ultimatum thing).

 

Third, he's going through some serious family issues. That certainly is affecting him, which leads me to believe, more than anything else, that he'll be back.

 

So, you know how he is. You know his shortcomings. You know things that he is doing that is unfair to you. So, would you want to take him back? If so, what do you expect from him if you do take him back?

 

Decide those things. He'll be back, but I'm not sure that you should take him back without him meeting your own expectations (you can have expectations - you just can't demand that people change).

[paloma22]

In this particular situation, I wouldn't say it is over per se - as in, he's going to come back and talk his way back in, even if it's for a bit. However, there are many red flags that you brought up about him that make me think you should rather be asking yourself, "when he comes back, do I want him back?"

 

First, ultimatums usually end relationships. He gave you one, which was ultimately a projection of his own difficulties.

 

Second, he compared you to his ex, specifically, when telling you how he wanted you to be. That's insulting, first, and not up to him to tell you how to be, second. He can accept things about you or not, but he can't tell you how to be (kind of ties in to the ultimatum thing).

 

Third, he's going through some serious family issues. That certainly is affecting him, which leads me to believe, more than anything else, that he'll be back.

 

So, you know how he is. You know his shortcomings. You know things that he is doing that is unfair to you. So, would you want to take him back? If so, what do you expect from him if you do take him back?

 

Decide those things. He'll be back, but I'm not sure that you should take him back without him meeting your own expectations (you can have expectations - you just can't demand that people change).

 

Thanks everyone for their insight. Minime I appreciate the comments as I agree, maybe I will hear from him at some point in the future, even though deep down I dont think I will SIMPLY because the guy hates confrontation. I think I made it clear that while I was devastated initially, I got mad with helping him pack his things. So, Im not sure if he will even bother unless he really feels he "misses me".

 

And you're also right about him accepting things about me- i do think i needed to open up, but its not fair to not reciprocate ones own request. It makes no sense at all. One thing I wasnt clear about was what you meant by "a projection of his own difficultes"-- do you mean with the relationship or with his lack of communication?

 

and ya, there is no question lots of family stuff going on for him but i just dont know if anything would change if i took him back (if it even came to that). I read somewhere that some people are conditioned to keep quiet when any type of confrontation comes up, possibly stemming from his parents fairly recent divorce. From what I understand, there were some tumultuous times in his family. As much as I am deeply hurting right now and missing him, this is giving me a chance to reflect not only on my own shortcomings but also his. I really dont want to be in a one sided relationship.

 

finally- side note question for all: His grandmother may or may not soon pass away. Obviously I dont know this but she is a lovely person and I wouldnt want to not acknowledge her passing, if I saw it in the obituary or something (we dont have mutual friends of which I would hear about it). How do I go about this?

 

Thank you again- your advice is getting me through this.

[minime13]

Thanks everyone for their insight. Minime I appreciate the comments as I agree, maybe I will hear from him at some point in the future, even though deep down I dont think I will SIMPLY because the guy hates confrontation. I think I made it clear that while I was devastated initially, I got mad with helping him pack his things. So, Im not sure if he will even bother unless he really feels he "misses me".

 

Just be prepared, either way.

 

And you're also right about him accepting things about me- i do think i needed to open up, but its not fair to not reciprocate ones own request. It makes no sense at all. One thing I wasnt clear about was what you meant by "a projection of his own difficultes"-- do you mean with the relationship or with his lack of communication?

 

What I mean by that is he expected and demanded you to open up when, as it turns out, that is his own deficiency when it comes to relationships.

 

and ya, there is no question lots of family stuff going on for him but i just dont know if anything would change if i took him back (if it even came to that). I read somewhere that some people are conditioned to keep quiet when any type of confrontation comes up, possibly stemming from his parents fairly recent divorce. From what I understand, there were some tumultuous times in his family. As much as I am deeply hurting right now and missing him, this is giving me a chance to reflect not only on my own shortcomings but also his. I really dont want to be in a one sided relationship.

 

finally- side note question for all: His grandmother may or may not soon pass away. Obviously I dont know this but she is a lovely person and I wouldnt want to not acknowledge her passing, if I saw it in the obituary or something (we dont have mutual friends of which I would hear about it). How do I go about this?

 

Thank you again- your advice is getting me through this.

 

You can send condolences about a death. It's perfectly okay. Just be sympathetic, and nothing else.

[oldshirt]

Lots of red flags here.

 

"I need a break because I might be taking advantage of you.." said no man ever.

 

No man regardless of how blatantly he takes advantage of women, ever thinks he's taken advantage of anyone. Men's minds just don't work that way. That was simply the best excuse he could come up with.

 

Also men very rarely actually break up with women in a formal and definitive sense. They just stop calling and stop coming around. Many will do a bit of a disappearing a critical and then try to FWB them.

 

For women, "Breaks" and "need some time" etc etc etc typically mean there is someone else on the horizon that they want to try on for size. For men it could mean that as well or it could mean that they just do not want to move forward with the relationship any more and want to keep options open.

 

Add that all up and it points towards the end of the relationship in terms of it ever developing into anything deeper.

 

My personal position on "breaks" and "needing some ", "need space" etc is give them all the time and space in the world. Carry on with your life as well and do NOT sit and wait for them. Get back on the market and get out and start dating and carrying on with your own life as well.

 

Never sit and wait on the shelf for anyone.