dyna85 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Could it be possible for 2 people to be so wanting to reach out to one another, but both are exerting extreme self-control in not doing so? Probably not, right? : \ I had a beer at a happy hour and all of these feelings are resurfacing and I'm really upset right now because I wish he would contact me but I know it wouldn't be good and it would do nothing to help my situation since we are so not right for each other and he has hurt me so deeply.
BC1980 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I'm sure it's possible but probably not likely. I think we tend to project our feelings onto other people because it's all we understand. 2
Torii Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 If this man has caused you tremendous pain before, I would advise you to stay away and take care of yourself - before you got into another serious commitment. Ever heard of the saying we want what is bad for us? Sometimes, we get so consumed by our emotions that we forget about the horrible, horrendous facts about people and relationships we have with them. Our emotions usually block out the truth we usually don't hear or see; and we all know how dangerous this can be for us with those rose colored glasses on. Best suggestion I give you: figure out why you don't contact each other anymore. Is the reasoning behind your feelings valid? Should you listen to what your gut is telling you?
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Perhaps. I know my ex is extremely stubborn and always has to have the upper hand, and that may be why he hasn't reached out. But a big part of me thinks he's never going to. Originally I wanted to do NC to try to get a reaction from him, but it has helped me so much that I know now that I only need to do it for myself. Alcohol will make you do stupid things in the aftermath of a breakup. Don't let one drunken (or buzzed) text ruin your progress. You WILL regret it in the morning. 3
thekarmacist Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 yes; but please DON'T do anything under the influence.
sowhynot Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Could it be possible for 2 people to be so wanting to reach out to one another, but both are exerting extreme self-control in not doing so? Alas, only in films and Jane Austen novels ! 1
Author dyna85 Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 BC, I think you're right... as sad as that makes me feel. Torii, do our emotions really block out the truth? I actually disagree and think our emotions help us figure things out in life. For instance, I had this intense gut feeling to quit my last job and I ignored it for the longest time, and the stress affected my health. One day, I finally acted in line with my gut feeling that had been nagging me for so long, and quit without a backup plan. Best professional decision I ever made as I found a new job a month later, and it's the best job I've ever had. I don't think it's good to ignore and/or disregard our emotions, but I do think there needs to be a certain balance, with logic being considered. As far as why we are not in contact with one another, I understand why and it makes sense, but it also seems so unfair. I don't want to get into all of the details but I will just say I won't be contacting him but I really love him so much and wish I could tell him this right this second. It sickens me that I have to keep this locked inside. Thanks Coldandlonely too. I know not to make the stupid mistake of contacting him, but it pains me to have to resist and it frustrates me that time is not diminishing the urge. I swear I have been feeling stronger. Then bam. The alcohol..mixed with the topic of conversation which reminded me of him..and I felt so depressed and sad and missing him so much. thekarmacist: are you saying yes to the possibility or yes to the 'probably not, right?' sowhynot, omg, that makes me so sad that you are saying this. ugh.
thekarmacist Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 i'm saying yes that it is possible. people can be stubborn as f... but do NOT contact when you're under the influence. keep it cool for right now. 1
Author dyna85 Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 i'm saying yes that it is possible. people can be stubborn as f... but do NOT contact when you're under the influence. keep it cool for right now. thanks. i will. your comment was very nice. 1
SankeCoffee Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I have lot about this as well, did you end things or was it him
Torii Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Torii, do our emotions really block out the truth? I actually disagree and think our emotions help us figure things out in life. For instance, I had this intense gut feeling to quit my last job and I ignored it for the longest time, and the stress affected my health. One day, I finally acted in line with my gut feeling that had been nagging me for so long, and quit without a backup plan. Best professional decision I ever made as I found a new job a month later, and it's the best job I've ever had. I'm not saying you shouldn't follow your emotions. I'm saying that you should be careful, because we can choose to do an action that isn't healthy for us - like rekindling with an ex that hurt us. I know a lot of people that get so consumed by fantasy, by their emotions that they lose touch with what's really going on for them and that person. This is all I meant. It seems to me that you have this situation under control and have made up your mind on what you believe is right for you - GOOD Luck! 1
SoThatHappened Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 "Could it be possible for 2 people to be so wanting to reach out to one another, but both are exerting extreme self-control in not doing so?" I'm a perfect example. Not to give you false hope, but I'm there. I dumped a LONG-term girlfriend two years ago because I believed we just weren't compatible. I believe we were incompatible, and I wanted to breakup to let us find the "right" person for each other. Do I want to reach out? You bet. To apologize at the least, to figure things out and make it work at the best. Loved her for 17 years and always will. Does she want to reach out? I'm pretty sure. So, yes. Very possible but due to our "self-control" we haven't reached out. My situation may not be "normal" though. But the love was definitely there. 2
thekarmacist Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 i am also an example, so i know people can love each other and still be stubborn as f.... 2
Author dyna85 Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 (edited) sothathappened, thanks for sharing your story. that must be extremely tough going 2 yrs and still wanting to reach out. 17 years is a long time together, so i can imagine the healing process taking a while and for the desire to make contact to still linger. i think your situation is unusual just given the length of your commitment and i'm envious of how long you lasted together. i wish i could find someone with whom to be with 17 yrs. i'm sorry it didn't work out though and can imagine the difficulty of moving past the feelings involved. yeah torii, this is true. i guess there are times when i fall into the trap of wondering whether i should act upon my emotions or just contend with them on my own, and i guess ultimately, i know i must not make contact so as not to further hinder my progress. it just sucks to have so much love for someone and to not be with that person. it feels so wrong. then again, it wasn't a good situation as it was and caused me much pain, so i know better than to reach out to him. he closed the door without so much of a care as to the impact on me... and the way he did it was cruel. so i know i have but only one option.... and that is to carry on without looking back. i just need my feelings to fully catch up with the logic. that's the hard part as it seems my feelings are out of my control. but i am making efforts to help myself, so hopefully it's only a matter of time and patience and continued efforts to get better. sankecoffee, i'm sorry you're also going through something similar. he did. but the things leading up to that make it a bit complicated. thanks again thekarmacist also. Edited June 3, 2015 by dyna85
mightycpa Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Could it be possible for 2 people to be so wanting to reach out to one another, but both are exerting extreme self-control in not doing so? Probably not, right? : \ I had a beer at a happy hour and all of these feelings are resurfacing and I'm really upset right now because I wish he would contact me but I know it wouldn't be good and it would do nothing to help my situation since we are so not right for each other and he has hurt me so deeply.One thing I've noticed as I've read many of the posts on this board is that there are very few people who can start and stick with no contact. Most break down somewhere along the line. When you take two people and combine the chances of them both being that rare bird that will not break NC under any conditions, the likelihood is so low that it borders near impossibility. Anything is possible, but if you're struggling with this and you haven't broken NC, then the overwhelmingly most likely reason he hasn't broken it either is because he doesn't care to do so, not because he's strong enough to resist his deepest desire. 2
minime13 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Could it be possible for 2 people to be so wanting to reach out to one another, but both are exerting extreme self-control in not doing so? Probably not, right? : \ I had a beer at a happy hour and all of these feelings are resurfacing and I'm really upset right now because I wish he would contact me but I know it wouldn't be good and it would do nothing to help my situation since we are so not right for each other and he has hurt me so deeply. Maybe, but it sounds more like you're looking for an excuse to contact him. You know you're not right for each other, so just remember that when you really feel like contacting him.
mightycpa Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Alas, only in films and Jane Austen novels ! I remember this passage from a college class when I was going through a first love dumping. Jane Austen almost made me break NC! I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath. For you alone, I think and plan. Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes? I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others. Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice, indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating, in F. W. I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether I enter your father's house this evening or never.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I'd say the odds are fairly low of this. As in very low. It's very dangerous to assume the other person desperately wants to talk to you but isn't doing it. 1
NYCgirl88 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Could it be possible for 2 people to be so wanting to reach out to one another, but both are exerting extreme self-control in not doing so? Probably not, right? : \ I had a beer at a happy hour and all of these feelings are resurfacing and I'm really upset right now because I wish he would contact me but I know it wouldn't be good and it would do nothing to help my situation since we are so not right for each other and he has hurt me so deeply. Yes, I'm sure he wants to reach out to you too (maybe not as much as you do but who knows and who cares). You know it wouldn't be good or help you if he did, and he probably knows that too. Since you know you aren't right for eachother , he's doing the right thing by not reaching out and confusing you more. The same way you aren't reaching out to him . I wish my ex and I had that self control ! But anyway, try not to even think about what he's thinking because it doesn't matter anymore . I have a hard time with that too, but it only matters what you're thinking and how you feel now. And also don't drink unless you are in a good mood!!!
Torii Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 i know i must not make contact so as not to further hinder my progress. it just sucks to have so much love for someone and to not be with that person. it feels so wrong. then again, it wasn't a good situation as it was and caused me much pain, so i know better than to reach out to him. he closed the door without so much of a care as to the impact on me... and the way he did it was cruel. so i know i have but only one option.... and that is to carry on without looking back. i just need my feelings to fully catch up with the logic. that's the hard part as it seems my feelings are out of my control. but i am making efforts to help myself, so hopefully it's only a matter of time and patience and continued efforts to get better. I totally understand. You should keep in mind the reason you broke up, so you're not being tempted to communicate with him again. I know how difficult it is, I know how much emotions drive you crazy - especially when you had a special connection. Usually, that's all we think about; how they made us feel when we were with them and this can be a dangerous habit to have develop. Sometimes we depend on that person for happiness, that we feel lost without them once the relationship is over. Heartbreak is normal. Pain associated is normal. You want to reach out, you want to know if you're more than what you are - and I think we all need to face the fact that they're an ex for a reason. Do I think about my ex? sometimes. Could I go through that pain again? no. Is there emotions still bothering me? heck yes and I'm sure there always will be. Sometimes, you need to think about what is best for you and your health. Your ex left you without a word you say, which was cruel in your eyes, can you handle that type of rejection again? You need to think about your health. You need to be happy with yourself - embrace all your flaws, so when you find another person - you know you deserve better than the treatment your ex put you through. It took me a while to get over my ex so I know where you're coming from when you say you want to rekindle - but it's probably not a good idea to do so. He hurt you for a reason and regardless of the reason, it's unacceptable. You deserve better than that, you deserve somebody that will show you how love is meant to be between two people.
jen1447 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Could it be possible for 2 people to be so wanting to reach out to one another, but both are exerting extreme self-control in not doing so? Probably not, right? : \ It's certainly possible hon, but after a quick recap of your situation, I'd say it's unlikely in your case. This is the guy who just stopped talking and more or less acted like you never meant a thing, right?
Yummm Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I'm sure it's possible, but there is a big chance that if they aren't reaching out to you they don't want to talk to you. 4 weeks post BU and i'm dying to contact my ex, but I haven't. It doesn't help that she works 2 minutes from me, so let me recap you on what just happened. I went out for lunch, walked down the road and guess what? She was there, looked straight into my eyes and continued walking, as did I. This just re-enforces the fact that NC works and is the way forward, if she wants me she will reach out. If it's breadcrumbs? I aint responding
sowhynot Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Jane Austen almost made me break NC! Watched this one night with ex and yeah, I welled up. BBC version from a few years ago is the one to see. It's very tempting to believe in true 'attachment and consistency' - but in my particular circumstances, reason points out the two weekends my ex. had away without me at a friend's boyfriends large house party. Probably coincidence but the 'we need to talk' message came a few weeks after the first one and the 'I'm really sorry but..' came a few days after the second. So odds on Miss Jane Elliot is seeing someone else and poor Captain Wentworth has gone back all broken heated alone to his ship - you can't better his NC if he's mid ocean on the other side of the world and wireless hasn't been invented yet And shes probably been sh*gging Mr Elliot on the side without telling anyone for a few weeks as well.....the sl*t
Yummm Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I'm sure it's possible, but there is a big chance that if they aren't reaching out to you they don't want to talk to you. 4 weeks post BU and i'm dying to contact my ex, but I haven't. It doesn't help that she works 2 minutes from me, so let me recap you on what just happened. I went out for lunch, walked down the road and guess what? She was there, looked straight into my eyes and continued walking, as did I. This just re-enforces the fact that NC works and is the way forward, if she wants me she will reach out. If it's breadcrumbs? I aint responding GUESS WHAT? I just got back to the office and after 3 weeks no contact she just popped me a message: 'Lol talk about bad timing' .............................
sowhynot Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 [/so odds on Miss Jane Elliot is seeing someone else and poor Captain Wentworth has gone back all broken heated alone to his ship - you can't better his NC if he's mid ocean on the other side of the world and wireless hasn't been invented yetQUOTE] Should of course be Miss Anne Elliot .. . .for reasons unknown, the forum won't let me correct my display of ignorance.
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