beach Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Why not meet him for dinner this week? It may be a good opportunity to tell him you don't intend to be exclusively dating only him... Just go out with him once in a while and in the meantime look around for men that really make you a top priority. Maybe he will learn to make more effort...consistent effort. It was pretty crappy he expected you to still be available Fri night, last minute. Good for you being busy having fun! 1
Arieswoman Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Hi dreamworld, I am not too sure what a "stock trader" is but I gather it's pretty stressful. Skipping meals, long hours, sleeping at odd times etc. will all play havoc with his body. In your position I would be concerned for his health. I think you should meet him this week and ask him if he plans to stay in this line of work? I think you should also tell him that you aren't happy about his habit of cancelling plans at short notice and see what he says. I suppose it all depends how much slack you are prepared to cut him. Both my husbands were/are shift workers and I accepted it because at least the shifts were regular. Sorry I can't be more helpful. x
beach Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 hello Arieswoman, He is in his 40's and a stock trader for a pretty big firm so I know how intense his job is. Sometimes he cant even go to the bathroom for 5 min on the super intense days. And no lunch break. my dad was in this field himself so I know what it is like, he would get off work but was always having to be checking the market in other country time zones, and being on the phone with clients at midnight. It was crazy. i think my mom is a very understanding woman. Anyway so I already knew he is a very busy guy and so knew when it would be impossible to be in touch with him,(his work hours) but it is the relative *change* from a month ago in his contact frequency that is bothering me. The first month as soon as we became exclusive, we were talking on the phone every night and he would send me texts throughout the day when he wasnt working. and on the weekends when we were not seeing each other he was contacting me all the time. i wanted to think positively and assume we were out of the "honeymoon" phase, but it just seems so much of a change only after one month of being a couple. now I only hear from him through brief texts, and not even daily, and we barely talk on the phone anymore. when I do text him in the night hours we used to spend on the phone, he never answers only to have him answer me the next morning saying he was either so busy with work or he had passed out. i guess it feels that there has been a shift in his priorities and I am not on the top anymore. i understand that we cant keep up the phone marathons and constant texting forever but one month just seems so soon to be getting complacent already... thanks!! How far away does he live? Is it worth a drive by to see if another car may be in front of his house? If no car, you could just stop in and say hello for 10 minutes...?
Author Dreamworld Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 How far away does he live? Is it worth a drive by to see if another car may be in front of his house? If no car, you could just stop in and say hello for 10 minutes...? Thank you Beach for your continued responses to my thread!! We live 10-15 minutes away from each other by car. It is so strange you wrote this, because HE came to MY place this morning (sun morning) and said if I happened to be home can I please just come out and go for a drive with him. I was home with my daughter so I told him to just come in and we talked and I expressed all the concerns I had been writing about here. I told him I understand his hectic schedule, I understand two people in a relationship needing their own space, as I am exactly this way, and with a daughter to care for I am legitimately also very busy. I knew all this going into the relationship and it was actually a balance that I liked when we were first dating before becoming exclusive. But it was the sudden change. That explosion of constant contact once we became exclusive. If that stage just hadn't existed, I wouldn't have been worried at all. But no matter how cool or laid back a woman may be, when she becomes used to a certain type of behavior from her man and it just changes one day, she does get a little freaked out you know? To go from all that to BAM back to my normal life (for him) in a course of one month just seems so abrupt....and well, kind of self centered? He apologized that it freaked me out, but I could tell he didn't quite *get* it. And there really is no point in forcing someone to do something for you when they don't get what the problem is. I am glad we had this talk, as I do trust that it isn't about him losing interest or having someone else. But I think it's now more of an issue if I will be alright with this arrangement. It's like he put in every ounce of energy to make sure we were solid in the first month and now that he is comfortable he wants to relax. And yes, his work is definitely affecting his energy levels I can tell. Again, I am not sure if I will be ok with this. Maybe I have way too much energy compared to him or something. He still wants to see me on Wednesday evening, but like beach and some others posted, I may be ok with dating him from time to time, but maybe I may have to rethink the exclusive part. Thank you again! I will update again.
Lois_Griffin Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 When I was reading this thread, I thought the guy lived a few hours away and that's why there was such a disconnect. Jeez, he only lives 10 minutes away! I also found it very odd that the only communication at ALL going on was texting which just shows zero effort to maintain any kind of relationship growth at all. I was also really surprised to hear this guy is 40 years old pulling this crap. I would expect this silly texting crap out of a 20-somthing, but not someone his age. It just sounds like he reaches out to you when it's convenient for him, otherwise, he cant be bothered. If he were any more apathetic, he'd be in a coma. I absolutely would have let him know in no uncertain terms that the bullcrap he pulled with having you change your schedule for that Wednesday then blowing you off at the 11th hour was unacceptable. Allowing this type of disrespectful behavior toward you sets a precedent - and not a good one for you. I don't agree with the others that you should let it go if things are good, otherwise. I agree with you OP. He put on the charm in the beginning and then when he had you on the hook, he pulled way back and stopped putting any effort into this. It sounds as though his idea of a 'good' relationship is lame, childish texting of stupid crap once or twice a week, and just kind of making plans with you when it's convenient for him. If you do decide to break up with him, it would be most fitting to do it by text since he wants to act like a 24 year old.
beach Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Any update? Was wondering if he's started making more effort or if he's just acting like he's still dating others? Hope you let him know you don't intend to be exclusive since he's not made you his priority in the past several weeks. 1
Author Dreamworld Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 Any update? Was wondering if he's started making more effort or if he's just acting like he's still dating others? Hope you let him know you don't intend to be exclusive since he's not made you his priority in the past several weeks. So sorry for the late reply! I didnt know there was more written.. We are no longer going out. I could not stand the flakiness anymore. Thank you for asking! 2
katiegrl Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Thank you fleur. I am thinking of just letting him be and see how he follows up. And let some calls gonto voicemail. I am old enough to realize that if one whole week passes without contact the relationship is no longer exclusive in my opinion. He hasnt gone a whole week or anything like that but I think it is time to step back and start gauging the situation. Luckily I was able to schedule in some time with a friend tonight last minute so at least I can have a breather and forget about this for a little bit. Dreamworld....... to me it sounds like a simple case of - now that he's "got" you, he doesn't feel like putting forth the effort to maintain you (i.e. the relationship). In other words, he's starting to take you and the relationship for granted. If it were me, I would not say anything......just pull back. Yes let some calls go into voicemail, don't always be so available. Get busy with your life and stop focusing on him so much. Either he will step up or he won't. If he doesn't just move on.
katiegrl Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) Dreamworld....... to me it sounds like a simple case of - now that he's "got" you, he doesn't feel like putting forth the effort to maintain you (i.e. the relationship). In other words, he's starting to take you and the relationship for granted. If it were me, I would not say anything......just pull back. Yes let some calls go into voicemail, don't always be so available. Get busy with your life and stop focusing on him so much. Either he will step up or he won't. If he doesn't just move on. ^^I posted this before I read update! Good move on your part. You okay? How did he respond when you ended it? Edited July 10, 2015 by katiegrl
babycakees Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Oh boy. I remember dating someone like this for 4 years. We split up about 2 years ago. I had never dated someone before who cut communication down like he did. I should have known then it wasn't going to work cause we both had major communication differences. When it started to bother me way more than I liked, I brought it up to him. He actually told me he didn't see why we needed to communicate at all when we weren't together. Needless to say, for many reason but mostly because we could not communicate, we are no longer together. 1
walkingonair Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Will try to keep this brief. After a very long time, I am dating someone exclusively so it is all new to me again. Things were hot at first, as they tend to be in the so called honeymoon stage. Seeing each other when possible, calling texting all the time etc. As of recently, the calling and texting have dwindled considerably. I get that. We cant be in a 100 meter dash forever. We settle down into life. I give him space and I think of myself as accomodating. But you know when you reach that feeling that because you could be too accomodating and understanding you feel you are being taken fir granted? And here comes the main point of this post. When we met on Sunday he asked me to free up my wednesday. He said he would get back to me about what time depending on his work schedule. Great. Monday he texted briefly to say hello. Tuesday (my time where I am) no contact at all, which I let be but I kind of wanted to know our wednesday schedule so I could plan my schedule too you know? So I texted him that night asking about the confirmation of plans. No reply. This morning (it is wed morning here. Day of said date) he texts back good morning he fell asleep early the night before. No prob there. But then he goes on to text that he cant make it tonight because his job has a client needing to meet with him and his team. Now I totally get when things come up like that but to tell you the truth I was kind of irked that he had to wait till the day of (and with me having to ask him) to let me know our plans were cancelled. It would be nice to know a little wee ahead so at least I could arrange other plans with other people? I mean I do have a life too. I am assuming the client plans would have obviously been made prior to just this morning? Am I being unreasonable? Coupled with the fact he has been contacting me less (which I have never made an issue of) this thing just kinda came at the worst time I guess? Would you guys call him out on it? Or just ignore him for awhile? I havent responded to this morning's text. Just kind of annoyed. Thanks for reading! This has happened to me many times before.Ypur guy is creating distance because he doesn't want a committed relationship.In the beginning it was fun and casual and no pressure and now he feels the pressure of the relationship and things are getting real.Hes scared and doesn't k of what to do and what he wants at this time.I suggest not initiating contact at all.
smackie9 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 When they fade, they are a coward, and hope you end it so they don't have to deal with the repercussions/emotional part of a breakup. Lame.
Author Dreamworld Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 ^^I posted this before I read update! Good move on your part. You okay? How did he respond when you ended it? Breakups are always hard so I was left with a hollow empty feeling and of course disappointment but I am getting better now. Luckily I broke it off not too long after we became exclusive so the pain was less. He was really quiet and I could tell he was upset but he had no idea it was bugging me so much. Thus I realized we were just not compatible that way and it would just continue to drive me nuts. And no he did not step up. He stayed consistent in his flakiness and his frequency continued to decrease. Hence I had to go.
Author Dreamworld Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 This has happened to me many times before.Ypur guy is creating distance because he doesn't want a committed relationship.In the beginning it was fun and casual and no pressure and now he feels the pressure of the relationship and things are getting real.Hes scared and doesn't k of what to do and what he wants at this time.I suggest not initiating contact at all. I think he did want a committed relationship. The problem was we had different views on what constituted as a good relationship. Plus as someone said I think he just got too comfortable too fast and I felt taken for granted. Didn't make me feel good at all and I realized I was spending more time being miserable than happy so I knew this wasn't working.
xcupid Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 He was fitting you into his schedule. You deserve more than that. You did the right thing. Better to find out now than later on. Good luck in your search.
beach Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 I think he did want a committed relationship. The problem was we had different views on what constituted as a good relationship. Plus as someone said I think he just got too comfortable too fast and I felt taken for granted. Didn't make me feel good at all and I realized I was spending more time being miserable than happy so I knew this wasn't working. It's good that you recognized the differences between the two of you. And if he's not willing to make effort for you to be his priority then you would always feel slighted. And since his communication style wasn't adequate - you'd always be left feeling discounted. Good for you recognizing it. 1
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