How to react: Less calling, late notice of cancelled plans

[Dreamworld]

Will try to keep this brief. After a very long time, I am dating someone exclusively so it is all new to me again.

Things were hot at first, as they tend to be in the so called honeymoon stage. Seeing each other when possible, calling texting all the time etc.

 

As of recently, the calling and texting have dwindled considerably. I get that. We cant be in a 100 meter dash forever. We settle down into life. I give him space and I think of myself as accomodating.

 

But you know when you reach that feeling that because you could be too accomodating and understanding you feel you are being taken fir granted? And here comes the main point of this post.

 

When we met on Sunday he asked me to free up my wednesday. He said he would get back to me about what time depending on his work schedule. Great. Monday he texted briefly to say hello. Tuesday (my time where I am) no contact at all, which I let be but I kind of wanted to know our wednesday schedule so I could plan my schedule too you know? So I texted him that night asking about the confirmation of plans. No reply.

 

This morning (it is wed morning here. Day of said date) he texts back good morning he fell asleep early the night before. No prob there. But then he goes on to text that he cant make it tonight because his job has a client needing to meet with him and his team.

 

Now I totally get when things come up like that but to tell you the truth I was kind of irked that he had to wait till the day of (and with me having to ask him) to let me know our plans were cancelled. It would be nice to know a little wee ahead so at least I could arrange other plans with other people? I mean I do have a life too. I am assuming the client plans would have obviously been made prior to just this morning?

 

Am I being unreasonable? Coupled with the fact he has been contacting me less (which I have never made an issue of) this thing just kinda came at the worst time I guess?

 

Would you guys call him out on it? Or just ignore him for awhile? I havent responded to this morning's text.

 

Just kind of annoyed. Thanks for reading!

[Gaeta]

How is your relationship overall?

 

I would let it go, yes it's possible he got into work Wednesday morning and was told then a client had been rescheduled for later that day.

 

I got a feeling though that your frustration isn't just caused by this.

[Dreamworld]

The texts were at 6 in the morning so it was before he got into work.

In person we are great. He is very affectionate. I have had only one serious relationship, as well as a very dysfunctional marriage, and then a string of casual partners (one was a married guy, a weak time I am not proud of but l learned my lesson) and this guy is the nicest I have met in a long time (the closest to this kind of normality was my first bf which was more than 10 years ago)

 

It is just the change in behavior when we are apart that gets to me a little. I try to look at the glass half full but sometimes I wonder if I am starting to take a back seat to his priorities.

 

Again, in person, we are great.

[fitnessfan365]

The texts were at 6 in the morning so it was before he got into work.

In person we are great. He is very affectionate. I have had only one serious relationship, as well as a very dysfunctional marriage, and then a string of casual partners (one was a married guy, a weak time I am not proud of but l learned my lesson) and this guy is the nicest I have met in a long time (the closest to this kind of normality was my first bf which was more than 10 years ago)

 

It is just the change in behavior when we are apart that gets to me a little. I try to look at the glass half full but sometimes I wonder if I am starting to take a back seat to his priorities.

 

Again, in person, we are great.

 

It's funny. I had that same type of relationship with my recent ex GF. In person, it was fantastic. But when we were away from each other, she was distant and I felt a huge disconnect. In my ex's case she was at war with herself. She's used to being dominant and guys letting her call the shots. I was the first guy to take charge in and out of bed. So in person she felt a massive attraction and pull towards me. But away from me, she'd over think because her instincts kept telling her to push me away. In her own words, "it got too real". She simply didn't know how to handle being with a guy that made her want to give up control.

 

So it could be that there is something about you that feels off to your BF and the time away gives him time to think and want to keep you at a distance. Yet in person, all the positives he feels override his uncertainties.

[Fleur de cactus]

I dated a guy once, who would schedule a visit a week ahead, 3 days later I could remind him and he responded "yes no changes", 12 hours before the meeting that he would txt that hehad to work. He did it 3 times and I did not responded the third time. I went quiet for a while. the contact went dead. Then after 2 months I got an email from him asking what happened why he did not hear from me for a while. I reminded him about how he rescheduled our visits. Then he replied saying that he was still in relationship with other woman and now it is done! WTF? when I asked him before at the beginning he told me that he was not seeing anyone! So when a person keeps canceling a plan to meet, he is not excited about meeting with you, and is busy dating others, or doing other interesting things , better to move on.

[Dreamworld]

Hmm. I never thought of it that way. I just feel sometimes maybe he is losing interest rather than that we have reached a comfortable stage in our relationship ( i try to hope it is the latter). So did you end up breaking up due to this inconsistency with your ex gf?

 

We used to talk on the phone every night. Now he barely calls and the "sorry I fell asleep "reason he uses a lot. He has a demanding job I know but it is the comparison from before. If he had always been that way I wouldnt feel so worried you know?

 

Or he'd send me a text "you asleep?" And then I'd answer and then there would be nothing for ages and then "oh oops i just saw your reply i was checking something" or no reply cuz he "fell asleep!" Sometimes i would have to just call him to have a proper conversation or tell him I have to go to sleep because I cant be left hanging all night. In other words, he just seems so...distracted all the time. And that he acts all distracted when he is the one who initiated in the first place.

 

And he is in his 40's too so it is not like he is a child who has trouble concentrating.

Anyway with all that said I am just wondering if I am being too nice so he thinks it is ok to be that way. I am at a point right now I just dont want to answer his calls or texts for a little bit because I dont want him to get the idea I am at his beck and call all the time. And bringing it up directly seems to push the guy away if he doesnt get why his behavior is bothering me.

 

Thanks for the replies.

[SunnySide0418]

How long have you been dating him? And are you exclusive? Sounds as if maybe someone else has his attention. Is that possible? I would back off and let him do some pursuing and when he asks what's up - tell him.

[Dreamworld]

Thank you fleur. I am thinking of just letting him be and see how he follows up. And let some calls gonto voicemail. I am old enough to realize that if one whole week passes without contact the relationship is no longer exclusive in my opinion. He hasnt gone a whole week or anything like that but I think it is time to step back and start gauging the situation.

 

Luckily I was able to schedule in some time with a friend tonight last minute so at least I can have a breather and forget about this for a little bit.

[Dreamworld]

Thank you SunnySide.

We got acquainted in March. Mainly kept in touch through occasional text, the occasional phone call, fb because we were both busy with life at the time. But we were just getting to know each other and I was still casually dating other guys then.

In April he asked if I wanted to have coffee. Sure why not. After coffee, we stayed in touch and then a week or so later he wanted to have dinner on a friday. Sure. After that dinner, he wanted to have dinner on Saturday. Sure. And so on. The face to face interactions were really nice. We met 6 times before he sat me down and told me a bit long windedly that he wanted to date me exclusively and if I felt the same would it be ok if I could stop dating others now. I appreciated him sitting me down and telling me.

After some thought I said yes, and we have been exclusive from then on. So it has been a month now. We have been intimate too, once he knew where we stood.

 

We were constantly in touch until very recently. He just sorta backed off, it feels like. He stays in touch, but not to the amount he used to. And he still mostly initiates.

 

I dont have reason to doubt he may have someone else but I tend to trust and not try to find out unless it is thrown in my face. Then well, obviously, what I need to do next is not even a dilemma.

 

Anyway I have still not replied to his cancelling plans text and plan to just not do anything for now. Will keep you guys updated. Thanks.

 

Oh this is the first time he has done this cancelling thing. Usually I know his schedule in advance cuz he tells me. But since we are not talking as much anymore...*shrug*

[beach]

He's fading in his effort - even to the point where he didn't let you know his plans had changed.

 

I'd stay really busy - making plans for a busy weekend! IF he asks to see you this weekend then squeeze him in to your busy schedule for one hour on sat or sun afternoon. Let him know you're busy and he should keep his word when he makes a date... Or at least be courteous enough to let you know when plans change. He knew the night before, most likely.

 

I think you're smart to not respond for now. He will hopefully get a clear message.

[Dreamworld]

Thank you Beach.

I think sometimes silence says a lot more than words, without being right in your face. And telling and pushing a guy to do something never made me feel better anyway. I have always been prompt with replying and getting back to him but some silence is in order now I think.

I have a feeling I will figure a lot out by the time this week ends. I always used to rationalize in my younger days but if there is no effort on his part to do anything this weekend after cancelling today, well, I am going to call a duck a duck or however that metaphor goes. Will let you all know what happens. Thanks a lot this was of great help!

[katiegrl]

Thank you Beach.

I think sometimes silence says a lot more than words, without being right in your face. And telling and pushing a guy to do something never made me feel better anyway. I have always been prompt with replying and getting back to him but some silence is in order now I think.

I have a feeling I will figure a lot out by the time this week ends. I always used to rationalize in my younger days but if there is no effort on his part to do anything this weekend after cancelling today, well, I am going to call a duck a duck or however that metaphor goes. Will let you all know what happens. Thanks a lot this was of great help!

 

^^This is good Dreamworld....smart lady!

 

No need to say a word to him...just back off. He'll figure it out, he's not stupid.

 

He knows he has backed off.. no need for you to explain that to him or how it's hurting you. Just back off yourself, stop being so available, wait awhile before replying to messages (if at all).... your actions will tell him everything he needs to know.

[Dreamworld]

I never responded to his text from this morning cancelling our plans and around 6 pm he texts me saying the meeting with his client just got cancelled.

 

I actually didnt see the text till half an hour later because I was getting ready go out to meet my friend. But within that half hour he had texted a few more times saying he sure had a long day, whew, thank goodness the client dinner was cancelled etc.

 

I texted him back later while I was out waiting for my friend, staying pleasant but aloof. Sorry to hear you had a long day, hope you have a nice dinner and evening. He texts back immediately saying he is at home. I didnt reply. Plus my friend was walking in.

 

during the dinner he texted a few more times. I didnt reply. I wanted to focus on my friend.

 

I replied to his last one a few hours later, after my dinner meet was over, telling him I had been out with a friend, and was on my way home, have a good night, hope you have a better day tomorrow.

 

He replied with oh it wasnt that bad a day...i didnt reply.

 

Basically I didnt ignore him completely ( didnt want to do that) but answered selectively and at my own time.

 

He sent more texts in a span of four four hours than he has done in the past four days. I guess thats why they say nice boys and gals finish last. You try to be understanding and accomodating but that just makes people walk all over you, and whether you are 15 25 or 35 you always have to be on your toes about this stuff when it comes to dating....sigh.

 

I am still gauging the situation though! If no concrete plans to meet up are spelled out by this weekend I am really considering moving on. One month is way too short to be taken for granted already.

 

Thanks so much to those who replied!

[shinyprettything]

Went through something similar this weekend and took same course of action. Glad it is headed in what seems like a good direction for you. Fingers crossed for him making better effort.

[Redhead14]

Will try to keep this brief. After a very long time, I am dating someone exclusively so it is all new to me again.

Things were hot at first, as they tend to be in the so called honeymoon stage. Seeing each other when possible, calling texting all the time etc.

 

As of recently, the calling and texting have dwindled considerably. I get that. We cant be in a 100 meter dash forever. We settle down into life. I give him space and I think of myself as accomodating.

 

But you know when you reach that feeling that because you could be too accomodating and understanding you feel you are being taken fir granted? And here comes the main point of this post.

 

When we met on Sunday he asked me to free up my wednesday. He said he would get back to me about what time depending on his work schedule. Great. Monday he texted briefly to say hello. Tuesday (my time where I am) no contact at all, which I let be but I kind of wanted to know our wednesday schedule so I could plan my schedule too you know? So I texted him that night asking about the confirmation of plans. No reply.

 

This morning (it is wed morning here. Day of said date) he texts back good morning he fell asleep early the night before. No prob there. But then he goes on to text that he cant make it tonight because his job has a client needing to meet with him and his team.

 

Now I totally get when things come up like that but to tell you the truth I was kind of irked that he had to wait till the day of (and with me having to ask him) to let me know our plans were cancelled. It would be nice to know a little wee ahead so at least I could arrange other plans with other people? I mean I do have a life too. I am assuming the client plans would have obviously been made prior to just this morning?

 

Am I being unreasonable? Coupled with the fact he has been contacting me less (which I have never made an issue of) this thing just kinda came at the worst time I guess?

 

Would you guys call him out on it? Or just ignore him for awhile? I havent responded to this morning's text.

 

Just kind of annoyed. Thanks for reading!

 

I am assuming the client plans would have obviously been made prior to just this morning? -- I often have changes to plans with clients on short notice. So I'm not too surprised by this. But he should have contacted you as soon as he found out. You should not have had to contact him. Not only that, he should have called you later to reschedule.

 

I'd ignore him for a little while. Don't answer this morning's text until tonight. Let him call you for a proper re-scheduled date. If he does that, you tell him you need confirmation by x day/time because you're busy. And, don't accept any short notice dates either.

[Dreamworld]

To the people who have responded to this thread, once again thank you for your responses.

 

It is friday, half past midnight, where I am as I write this and I have come to a calm decision that I don't want to deal with this guy anymore.

 

He asked earlier today he thinks (*thinks*) he will be available on Sunday to meet. I answered him later on in the evening, around 8, ok could you let me know if you are sure and what time (i was not going to wait around till the last minute to have him say he wouldnt have time). He said "ok I am out for dinner right now so I will text you when I get home."

 

Well, he is either still out ( if I knew I would be out later and I had told my SO I would call them when I got home, i would have at least had the courtesy to send them a quick text to go to bed first since they could be waiting up) or he has gone home but has "fallen asleep" again. I sent him a text at midnight. "Please dont worry about calling me when you get home. It is late and I am going to be bed." I have unplugged my phone.

 

I have had enough. Please tell me if I am being unreasonable. But frankly I have had enough. You dont do this to someone a month after asking them to be exclusive.

 

So my last inquiry is. How would you go about ending this? To be honest I want to give him a taste of his own medicine. Completely ignore him now for a bit and then tell him this isnt working for me anymore.

 

Or my plan was to say "i have to some thinking, and would appreciate if you wouldn't contact me for awhile." when (if) he does contact me tomorrow.

 

Or should I just go completely silent for awhile?

Any suggestions should be great. I feel really really taking for granted and it feels like crap.

[writergal]

To the people who have responded to this thread, once again thank you for your responses.

 

It is friday, half past midnight, where I am as I write this and I have come to a calm decision that I don't want to deal with this guy anymore.

 

He asked earlier today he thinks (*thinks*) he will be available on Sunday to meet. I answered him later on in the evening, around 8, ok could you let me know if you are sure and what time (i was not going to wait around till the last minute to have him say he wouldnt have time). He said "ok I am out for dinner right now so I will text you when I get home."

 

Well, he is either still out ( if I knew I would be out later and I had told my SO I would call them when I got home, i would have at least had the courtesy to send them a quick text to go to bed first since they could be waiting up) or he has gone home but has "fallen asleep" again. I sent him a text at midnight. "Please dont worry about calling me when you get home. It is late and I am going to be bed." I have unplugged my phone.

 

I have had enough. Please tell me if I am being unreasonable. But frankly I have had enough. You dont do this to someone a month after asking them to be exclusive.

 

So my last inquiry is. How would you go about ending this? To be honest I want to give him a taste of his own medicine. Completely ignore him now for a bit and then tell him this isnt working for me anymore.

 

Or my plan was to say "i have to some thinking, and would appreciate if you wouldn't contact me for awhile." when (if) he does contact me tomorrow.

 

Or should I just go completely silent for awhile?

Any suggestions should be great. I feel really really taking for granted and it feels like crap.

 

Wow he is such a jerk. I think you deserve much better treatment from a boyfriend than the way that he treats you.

 

You can end the relationship any way that you want to. Just choose a way that doesn't compromise your time and energy.

 

Since he doesn't seem to respect your time, I don't think he will even notice if you were to ignore him. I think ignoring him is precisely what you need to do. Just don't expect to ignore him, hoping that will trigger him to change for the better. Men like him never change for the better.

[beach]

To the people who have responded to this thread, once again thank you for your responses.

 

It is friday, half past midnight, where I am as I write this and I have come to a calm decision that I don't want to deal with this guy anymore.

 

He asked earlier today he thinks (*thinks*) he will be available on Sunday to meet. I answered him later on in the evening, around 8, ok could you let me know if you are sure and what time (i was not going to wait around till the last minute to have him say he wouldnt have time). He said "ok I am out for dinner right now so I will text you when I get home."

 

Well, he is either still out ( if I knew I would be out later and I had told my SO I would call them when I got home, i would have at least had the courtesy to send them a quick text to go to bed first since they could be waiting up) or he has gone home but has "fallen asleep" again. I sent him a text at midnight. "Please dont worry about calling me when you get home. It is late and I am going to be bed." I have unplugged my phone.

 

I have had enough. Please tell me if I am being unreasonable. But frankly I have had enough. You dont do this to someone a month after asking them to be exclusive.

 

So my last inquiry is. How would you go about ending this? To be honest I want to give him a taste of his own medicine. Completely ignore him now for a bit and then tell him this isnt working for me anymore.

 

Or my plan was to say "i have to some thinking, and would appreciate if you wouldn't contact me for awhile." when (if) he does contact me tomorrow.

 

Or should I just go completely silent for awhile?

Any suggestions should be great. I feel really really taking for granted and it feels like crap.

 

 

Oh wow, he continues to be disrespectful... Dang!

 

I'm not sure you owe him any answers at this point. If I were to say something it might look like "I'm not willing to be squeezed into your busy schedule - so I got busy myself - no thanks to your invite".

 

My gut says he found someone he's been spending some time getting to know this past week.

[Dreamworld]

Thank you beach and writergal for your quick replies.

Beach, I wrote him a text saying "oh by the way I cant make it on Sunday so dont worry about it."

At this point I dont care whether he contacts me or not.

I am so angry I cant even sleep. Anyway I think I am going to leave my phone off tomorrow and go for a long long walk in the park.

Thanks again! It was actually really helpful to jot this all down and then re read the whole thread.

[shinyprettything]

Thank you beach and writergal for your quick replies.

Beach, I wrote him a text saying "oh by the way I cant make it on Sunday so dont worry about it."

At this point I dont care whether he contacts me or not.

I am so angry I cant even sleep. Anyway I think I am going to leave my phone off tomorrow and go for a long long walk in the park.

Thanks again! It was actually really helpful to jot this all down and then re read the whole thread.

 

I think that's the exact right response. And don't let him see your anger. That puts him in defensive mode where he can justify you being "crazy", which you're not of course. I think it's good to take away what they want before they've had a chance to decide because that's essentially what they are doing, leaving it in limbo. Turn the tables. Now he would have to come up with a plan to get your attention. I'm still dealing with my own so I totally get what you are going through. I expect mine to take a week or so and like you don't care if this is what he is offering. Enjoy your walk tomorrow

[writergal]

Thank you beach and writergal for your quick replies.

Beach, I wrote him a text saying "oh by the way I cant make it on Sunday so dont worry about it."

At this point I dont care whether he contacts me or not.

I am so angry I cant even sleep. Anyway I think I am going to leave my phone off tomorrow and go for a long long walk in the park.

Thanks again! It was actually really helpful to jot this all down and then re read the whole thread.

 

Good for you. You have realized that you have more self-worth than this jerk of a guy thinks you do.

 

I would be angry too if I were you. Be glad that you have decided to rid yourself of this guy in your life.

 

Don't let him sweet-talk you back into waiting around for him, because that is what will happen if you let it. He is a manipulator. He doesn't respect you.

 

Have a nice walk tomorrow. Treat yourself to a yummy dessert and picnic. It's always better to be alone than with a jerk.

[Dreamworld]

I did as planned and went for a long walk on Friday.

I kept my phone off (also to kind of protect myself from staring at it) all day, pretty much until 3, 4 in the afternoon.

 

 

When I turned it back on he had texted me in the morning apologizing for not being able to get back to me the night before (the night I stayed up waiting because he said he would call then) he had gone home and there was more work left to do, and then he crashed, his energy levels are just not like they were from when he was younger, etc, so sorry.

 

 

Since my phone had been off all day, obviously I had never gotten back to him. But after I read the texts I still stayed quiet. And concentrated on getting ready for my Friday evening out(I realize I have some great friends who always make time for me even when I apologize that is last minute sometimes )

 

 

Around 4:30, he texts again : "If you do have time after 7 tonight, do you have time for dinner and a movie? Work has been insane this past week and I feel horrible for not having been able to properly text you or call you as of late and I don't seem to have the energy at my age anymore to be handling many things at once. I am really really sorry." (now he has time this Friday???)

 

 

I answered back a little later with "Listen, I already have plans for tonight and I am going to be busy all weekend. And to tell you the truth I have some thinking to do on my own and would appreciate some space to myself this weekend anyway." ( I really do have to do some thinking about this so I dont' act rashly)

 

 

He texts: "no time for just dinner tonight then?"

Me: "No seriously I have plans and I had set up times with the babysitter for my daughter so I can't change things right now cuz that would be really rude to eveyone involved. Sorry, but no can do. And I have to go out now I'll talk to you later" Of course I didn't talk to him later.

 

 

So Friday passed and today it's Saturday afternoon and he's asking me if I can meet him during the week, he'll make sure to open his evening up for the evening that I can make it.

 

 

On the one hand I honestly am serious to see what he says to me, but on the other hand, like writergal said, I don't know if he is sweet talking me back into a relationship that will pretty much repeat itself all over again. And even though giving him the benefit of the doubt, he was really busy and stressed, I feel, if I feel I am not getting my needs met, and his communication frequency is just not meshing with mine, then it is simply a matter of incompatibility.

 

 

I am somone who thinks long and hard before making a big decision so I just wanted to share this update while I am thinking.

 

 

But if I do break up with him, wouldn't it be decent to well, do it in person though? Or does he not even deserve that?

 

 

Happy weekend everyone.

[Arieswoman]

Dreamworld,

I am undecided as to what to make of this guy.

 

I am unsure as to whether he has a super busy and stressful lifestyle or whether he's exploring other dating options and keeping you on the back-burner.

 

What sort of work does he do?

[Dreamworld]

hello Arieswoman,

 

He is in his 40's and a stock trader for a pretty big firm so I know how intense his job is. Sometimes he cant even go to the bathroom for 5 min on the super intense days. And no lunch break. my dad was in this field himself so I know what it is like, he would get off work but was always having to be checking the market in other country time zones, and being on the phone with clients at midnight. It was crazy. i think my mom is a very understanding woman.

 

Anyway so I already knew he is a very busy guy and so knew when it would be impossible to be in touch with him,(his work hours) but it is the relative *change* from a month ago in his contact frequency that is bothering me. The first month as soon as we became exclusive, we were talking on the phone every night and he would send me texts throughout the day when he wasnt working. and on the weekends when we were not seeing each other he was contacting me all the time.

 

i wanted to think positively and assume we were out of the "honeymoon" phase, but it just seems so much of a change only after one month of being a couple.

 

now I only hear from him through brief texts, and not even daily, and we barely talk on the phone anymore. when I do text him in the night hours we used to spend on the phone, he never answers only to have him answer me the next morning saying he was either so busy with work or he had passed out.

 

i guess it feels that there has been a shift in his priorities and I am not on the top anymore. i understand that we cant keep up the phone marathons and constant texting forever but one month just seems so soon to be getting complacent already...

 

thanks!!

[Dreamworld]

anyway if this is indeed him becoming "comfortable", there is a whole other issue then. whether I am ok with that. And if not, if I have to constantly wonder and keep posting here for answers, then maybe we are just not compatible on a basic level in our communication styles. and this is something you cant force a person to do when they think it is perfectly fine. thanks!