Long term relationship ends - new one blossoms. Still in turmoil.

[stiggles]

I’d really appreciate some input from people that have been through something similar.

 

I was previously in a long relationship (9 years) with a really lovely guy called John, he broke up with me in May last year. The very (very) short story is that John broke up with me 3 times during our relationship for various reasons (stress, depression and having never been with anyone else). Each break up I was left devastated. He was the person I saw myself growing old with, he was my best friend.

 

We were potentially going to get back together back in August but he kept flip flopping on me and couldn't seem to make his mind up – in his words he wanted to be sure that he wanted to be with me and that he wouldn't break up with me again.

 

During this time I had been meeting up with Adam, someone I've known for years (a family friend). I eventually realised that I liked Adam in September. I told John that we wouldn't be getting back together. Adam and I started dating, John realised that he wanted to get back with me but at this point I had already made my mind up.

 

It's now been 8 months, Adam is wonderful and I love him (I too was surprised by how quickly). However, during this time John has said he would still like to get back together. He's explained that it was the depression that caused the third break up and now he's better and found better ways to manage his stress he realises what a mistake he's made. He's asked me multiple times to reconsider or to think about it. Each time I've said I can't as I don't want to give any false hope. But of course I think about it, how can I not? The trouble is while I know I must love John I almost feel numb about the whole situation. I honestly don't know how I feel.

 

I feel guilty because I love Adam but thoughts cross my mind like 'am I making the right decision / what ifs'. It doesn't feel fair to Adam. I do miss John, he was my best friend and I miss that friendship. However, when I think about us romantically I feel numb and I don't know what that means.

 

I just feel very confused by my thoughts and feelings. How can you not know how you feel!?

[Thecondor1991]

I hate to say this but, Adam is the guy you should be with. If you truly love someone you don't break up with that person three times. I understand that people have emotions that may make them confused, but its our love and dedication that should push those thoughts from our minds. the guy broke up with you 3 times, he may say hes changed, but are you willing to risk losing the guy your with now for someone who may do the same thing again?

[aloneinaz]

I agree with the Condor.. He broke up with you 3 times? Wow.. I'm not sure how you view someone kicking you out of his life 3 times as your best friend?

I understand you have a lot of history with John but as already stated, he should be viewed as not someone to trust. When I'm madly in love w/someone, the last thing I'm going to do is kick them out of my life knowing they will move on and have sex w/someone else.. That thought would kill me.

 

 

You gave John 3 chances and he kept kicking your to the curb. He's not going to change, despite what he's telling you. I had a crazy ex who broke up w/me a couple of times. She came back again after 5 1/2 months when she knew I had found and was with someone else. I told her NO THANKS and am happy with the same gal today.

 

 

You need to put John in your past. You shared some good times I'm sure but that relationship was clearly an emotional roller coaster that you've rode three times already. Enjoy Adam is my vote

[stiggles]

Thanks for the replies guys, I really appreciate it :-)

 

When we would break up I'd never look elsewhere I only ever wanted John.. the thought of being with someone else made me feel sick. As far as I know John never got with anyone else either in these break ups - I imagine he talked to girls but didn't go any further.

 

He really is a sweet and lovely guy and I don't think the third time would have happened if he wasn't depressed. I think the depression made him push me away as he wasn't thinking clearly. The way he has spoken since I really don't think it would happen again.

 

It's really difficult, it probably doesn't help we have a house and animals together, it just adds to the complications.

 

Right now I'm defending him and his actions as if I want to get back with him. But when I'm in his company and he's asking me to reconsider I feel numb.. I can't imagine how it would work.. I don't understand why I feel numb.. yet I still feel drawn to our old life. It's a very confusing feeling to not know how you feel. Everyone says follow your gut.. I have no gut feeling.

 

I want these thoughts to stop, I hate that I feel sad and confused. I feel bad because I'm happy with Adam but still think about my old life.

 

I think of all the big life events and I can only ever imagine John (as that's how I previously thought) and now I feel like I have to rewire my brain in order to not think like that. Perhaps I'm putting too much pressure on myself as it's still early on in our (Adam and I) relationship and I shouldn't be thinking like that anyway.

[aloneinaz]

Honestly, you need to separate completely from John. Sell your interest in the house and all other connects that keep you both in contact. If you don't do this, you'll never move forward with your new life with Adam.

 

 

This site screams NC when you need to get over someone FROM YOUR PAST. Why? Cause it works. Contact in any form keeps you connected with the past and the person.

 

 

Everyone who's had relationships that ended and then moved on to others don't get over the other person right away. Even when they are happy and content with their new love. It takes lots of time with no contact to completely become emotionally detached from them.

 

 

My last ex ended our lousy relationship 2 years ago. I've been with my new GF for 20 months now. I couldn't be happier. Do I still think of this past ex? Sure. Normally when I'm at a place that I use to go to with the ex or a song on the radio, etc.. Are there things I miss about her? Absolutely! But my thoughts always go to "thank God I'm not with her anymore".. She was only pleasant and fun maybe 20% of the time the last few months we were together and I can still feel how much of a moody bitch she was and how un-happy I was w/her in that toxic relationship. I could run into her hanging on another guy tomorrow and it wouldn't bother me in the least. I'd actually smile and think to myself "that poor bastard"..

 

 

It's normal to still think about a past ex, even when you're happy with your new partner. We all miss certain aspects of past relationships. But, we also can rationally view the reasons WHY it was a past relationship.

[Redhead14]

I’d really appreciate some input from people that have been through something similar.

 

I was previously in a long relationship (9 years) with a really lovely guy called John, he broke up with me in May last year. The very (very) short story is that John broke up with me 3 times during our relationship for various reasons (stress, depression and having never been with anyone else). Each break up I was left devastated. He was the person I saw myself growing old with, he was my best friend.

 

We were potentially going to get back together back in August but he kept flip flopping on me and couldn't seem to make his mind up – in his words he wanted to be sure that he wanted to be with me and that he wouldn't break up with me again.

 

During this time I had been meeting up with Adam, someone I've known for years (a family friend). I eventually realised that I liked Adam in September. I told John that we wouldn't be getting back together. Adam and I started dating, John realised that he wanted to get back with me but at this point I had already made my mind up.

 

It's now been 8 months, Adam is wonderful and I love him (I too was surprised by how quickly). However, during this time John has said he would still like to get back together. He's explained that it was the depression that caused the third break up and now he's better and found better ways to manage his stress he realises what a mistake he's made. He's asked me multiple times to reconsider or to think about it. Each time I've said I can't as I don't want to give any false hope. But of course I think about it, how can I not? The trouble is while I know I must love John I almost feel numb about the whole situation. I honestly don't know how I feel.

 

I feel guilty because I love Adam but thoughts cross my mind like 'am I making the right decision / what ifs'. It doesn't feel fair to Adam. I do miss John, he was my best friend and I miss that friendship. However, when I think about us romantically I feel numb and I don't know what that means.

 

I just feel very confused by my thoughts and feelings. How can you not know how you feel!?

 

Feelings sometimes come in clusters. Particular situations do tap into several emotions at once. It is important to "take them apart". Sit quietly and allow them to come to the surface. You will notice one particular one will come through first. When it does, hold on to it for a while. If it is anger, let it come out a little bit and deal with that. And, then, do something else to distract yourself from everything. Set aside 15 minutes to half an hour each day to do this. At the end of that period, you MAKE yourself do something else to distract yourself. If it's anger that comes through most of the time, keep dealing with that a little at a time. If it's sadness, deal with that. It takes a little concentration to grab hold of the first emotion each time, but with practice it does get easier. It's like a tea kettle, a little steam comes out so the kettle doesn't overflow.

 

If you're doing this and everything is coming up at once again, step back. Don't let it overwhelm you. When you're overwhelmed, it just becomes a cycle.