salmagundi Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 (i posted this over in "friends and lovers" but I think it fits maybe better here…) So I need some help to see clearly… its been almost 3 three years since me and my ex broke up and for the last three years i've been a dating machine but it all goes nowhere because I've never met anyone I was all that interested in. Until one day I met a girl at work the day we hired her about 4 months ago and, pardon the cliché, it was love at first sight. Heres the thing…it was for her too…as she later told me. She had moved back to our town after a year of travelling wanting to settle down. The problem? She has a boyfriend she left behind in France. She has no desire to live in France and he doesn't want to live in Québec so their relationship has been stalemated and long distance since the fall. But as to us. I found out from a mutual friend at work that she had a crush on me. Inevitably we started to hang out. Nothing ever happened, I know she has a boyfriend, but we talked about what we called 'the elephant in the room.' Us. Over the last few months we talked about how we 'click', how we have the same goals, how she has fallen out of love with her boyfriend that she met travelling and doesn't know how much she actually has in common with, in terms of life goals and all. And the last time they travelled together they fought all the time. We, on the other hand, have everything in common. We have the same goals. Everything we do is fun. Everything we say is hilarious. We can talk for hours about anything. Or nothing. Things seemed to be advancing inevitably towards them breaking up and us getting together. Nonetheless, they had a prior agreement that he would move to Quebec to be with her if she agreed to go on a ten month trip to Africa with him. She's to leave in mid July. She told me she…wants to go because…well…Africa. But that she knew that she was dreading travelling with him (the fighting and whatnot) and that she was tired of travelling and wanted to settle down here and build something. She's 29 and has been travelling for the last 8 years. Just a week ago she said she was thinking of cancelling the trip and talking about us and how we made sense. Then she went to visit friends in Montréal and when she came back she told me that she has decided that she's not ready to break up with her boyfriend. But when I asked her she couldn't tell me that she still loved him and also couldn't tell me that she didn't want to see me anymore and that if it weren't for the obligation she feels to go with him to Africa…things would be very different. She says she feels they don't have the same emotional connection as we do, that they don't talk like we do. That all they share are their projects (like this trip). So what am I asking? I don't know. I know its wrong for me to be pursuing someone else's girlfriend but this just makes too much sense, otherwise I never would have gone there in the first place. I don't know what the best way for me to act is or even if any of this makes any kind of sense… Am I wrong to still want her? Am I wrong to believe that she wants me and is only afraid to let go of a relationship that I know isn't working and is just waiting to die? To I back off or do I keep trying to win her? And if so, how? What would you do in this situation?
LadyDeadpool Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 (edited) I think it's her problem not yours. You can't move forward with your plan to be in a relationship with her until she addresses her current relationship. If you truly love her just be patient and hope she loves you enough to leave him. If you don't really love her... well move on with your life. Everyone hates ultimatums, but you need to make it clear to her that you won't be her back-up guy. You know, the guy she runs to when he dumps her or they don't work out. She needs to make a decision about who holds more importance in her life - you or him. If she loves you she shouldn't expect you to just wait on the back burner whilst she goes gallivanting around Europe with some guy. Edited June 2, 2015 by LadyDeadpool 1
Author salmagundi Posted June 2, 2015 Author Posted June 2, 2015 Thanks for the reply! I don't think she's looking for a backup and I don't believe she'd use me like that…she's actually really honest and upfront and I don't think she's that kind of person. On the other hand, its not like I know her that well… In fact she once said that she never expected to meet me, never expected to meet someone she had so much chemistry with as she put it. She wasn't looking for an out though I do think maybe she has come to realise that her relationship is petering out… On the other hand, she did say she's decided, in spite of her feelings for me, to give him one more chance…so there you have it, he wins I guess… But otherwise I think your advice is pretty good. I've been wondering about the wisdom of still seeing her as 'friends' given that she'll be gone for almost a year in not long…but that would be a lie on my part and I suspect on hers too… Yeah, I should just back off I guess…?
courtneykay Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 If I were you, I would back off. I know it sucks, but it's what you need to do. She wants to work on her current relationship. Traveling together for 10 months will give her the chance to try again to make it work, and to find out if she does truly love him. Of course things seem awesome and fun and perfect between the two of you. You're at the beginning of your relationship. Things were probably like that with her current boyfriend at the beginning, but they have been together a long time it sounds like, and distance can do a number on her. Despite what she told you, she is going to Africa with her boyfriend. She deserves to give her current relationship a chance, and you should try to respect that. If I were you, I would probably go NC. If she asks why you're distant, tell her you don't feel comfortable chatting with her when you know you have feelings for her and she has a boyfriend. Don't stay hung up over her. Come 10 months when she comes back to Africa, if she is done with the relationship and you are single, maybe you can pursue something. But don't hold out for her, it's not fair to you. I know this has to be a hard situation, I can only imagine. I would just keep dating, and at some point you will find someone you connect with that is single. 2
spiderowl Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 (edited) She sounds very mixed up and is probably torn. If she has decided to go on this trip with this guy, then just let her. If you try to dissuade her, she will start to see you as controlling and you don't want that. I can see how difficult this is for you. I think you are very keen on her and she probably knows that. What she needs is chance to miss you for a while to see how her feelings go. Because of that, I would suggest backing off, spending a lot less time with her, and pursuing other interests until she gets back from her trip. This should make her realise you are not going to hang out with her while she is confused. Going on the trip may help her to decide so it might be best if you just let her do that without question. If you really want her, then isn't it better she is with you because she finally realised there was nothing left with the other guy, than if she opted to be with you and then had second thoughts later and ran off with him? I think she's probably genuinely confused and has made commitments. In that situation, what would you do? I'd probably keep my commitment unless I was sure I didn't want the ex. You can either wait this out or give up and try to move on. Edited June 2, 2015 by spiderowl 1
smackie9 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Sometimes the sugar coating looks good on the outside, but once ya get to the center it's not as good as you thought. The idea of being back with you may have been appealing to her at first BUT, there was a reason why she wasn't with you anymore. I think she weighed her options, thought it over and made her decision. She wants to stay with her BF. Don't wait, just move on.
aloneinaz Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Another vote for backing off. If she was really into you, I don't see why she couldn't simply dump the other guy and see how you two get along. In a way, it almost sounds like she is saying all the right things to keep you emotionally connected to her. Kind of like she's leading you on yet won't commit to dating or having a romantic relationship. IMO, you should back off from her. Be upfront and let her know you need to move a different direction and find someone who wants a relationship with you and at the same time, she can focus on her boy friend. Then, get out in the world and meet someone who's free to date and commit to you. 1
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