Do you also struggle finding someone who is deep?

[yxalitis]

I'll wade in here...

I will have deep, meaningful conversations with my best friends, my daughters, and work colleagues.

I enjoy these conversations, as much as the responders to this thread seem to, but I do NOT require this of my partner.

Why?

Because it isn’t necessary for the love of my life to be as deep as this.

All my ex partners have been able to converse about their feelings regarding our relationship, work life, sex life, etc.

That’s enough for me, I can get intellectual stimulation, and a caring, loving partner at home, and these two do not have to be the same entity.

My partner is already my emotional support, my physical comfort, my best friends, trusted companion. To add intellectual compatriot to that mix is too much, especially when I can get that aspect from anyone, anywhere, even on a random internet forum.

[Hopeful30]

^ Dont assume all of our experiences have been the same.

[AnnieRose]

I'm in my 20s and there are a lot of deep people my age. In my experience, you just have to give people a chance to open up! You have to get to know people and give them a chance and you might be surprised!

[newmoon]

you mentioned your background...i dated an armenian/russian for many years. he was a very deep thinker, more so than American men, given the hardship of his background (he lived under russian rule in armenia and left at age 30), but i also found that his "deep" thoughts were filled with a lot of hate and prejudice against others. deep thoughts and deep thinkers are usually highly intelligent, but their mind is also (often) filled with a lot of crazy. in fact, many of the most gifted minds and inventors and scientists and writers of our time, and previous generations, go stir crazy because they think so deeply. it can often be a curse. just be happy to find someone who can talk about subjects you like; happiness for many people comes from living lightly and not always thinking about tough subjects, that can be utterly depressing. intelligent conversation is always good, but you need a respite from that too.

[neowulf]

Im realizing more and more that the reason I remain single is because I just cant relate to most people. I have deep thoughts, Ive been through a lot in life despite my age (26) and it seems most people in their 20s that I meet have no concept of compassion, empathy or cant have a deep conversation because their lives have been mediocre.

 

This isnt a bad thing of course, but I come from a Soviet background where life was once tough, where I faced a lot of family difficulties and inner struggles as a result of a traumatic childhood. It makes you grow up muchh faster and have a particular understanding about life. Am I the odd one out here? Do most people have easier lives and thats why I just cant connect with them?

 

This just....sucks. Are we really so few?

 

Yes. Yes we are.

 

This has been my issue in dating for a very long time. Finding someone you can truly connect with, especially if you're a deep thinker can be troubling.

 

I'm curious, have you ever taken the Myer-Briggs test?

 

There's a free one below;

Free personality test, type descriptions, relationship and career advice | 16Personalities

 

I can't be sure, but I'm guessing you'll find yourself to be an 'N' type (intuitive). I've always found relating to 'S' types difficult and not terribly rewarding in the long run. It's just a difference in the way they think about the world.

 

'N' Types aren't as common in the population as 'S' types, so it's the reason that it's difficult to find others to connect with sometimes.

I'm an INFJ myself.

[Gaeta]

 

I have always only dated older men but the problem with that is baggage. They all have kids or heavy divorces etc and Im only 26, I dont need any of that lol

 

But aren't you being judgmental when you say that? You had your own hardships so therefore you do have baggage. You cannot expect someone to have depth if they don't have baggage.

[Male]

 

I'm curious, have you ever taken the Myer-Briggs test?

 

I seem to be an ISTJ. Which explains why I struggle to find a woman with the same importance of structure and dependability that I possess.

Edited June 3, 2015 by Male

[toscaroscura]

Yes. Yes we are.

 

This has been my issue in dating for a very long time. Finding someone you can truly connect with, especially if you're a deep thinker can be troubling.

 

I'm curious, have you ever taken the Myer-Briggs test?

 

There's a free one below;

Free personality test, type descriptions, relationship and career advice | 16Personalities

 

I can't be sure, but I'm guessing you'll find yourself to be an 'N' type (intuitive). I've always found relating to 'S' types difficult and not terribly rewarding in the long run. It's just a difference in the way they think about the world.

 

'N' Types aren't as common in the population as 'S' types, so it's the reason that it's difficult to find others to connect with sometimes.

I'm an INFJ myself.

 

Interesting! I'm an INFP-A (I guess the A stands for Assertive? Lol).

[neowulf]

Interesting! I'm an INFP-A (I guess the A stands for Assertive? Lol).

 

Anxious or Secure Sorry

But yes, it is very interesting.

[neowulf]

But aren't you being judgmental when you say that? You had your own hardships so therefore you do have baggage. You cannot expect someone to have depth if they don't have baggage.

 

Well there's "baggage" and then there's "baggage".

 

At her age, I wouldn't have wanted to try and deal with dating a single parent. It's only now that I'm 36, with a lot more experience under my belt that I've been willing to soften my stance.

 

What really matters is that the OP understand who she is and what she wants.

 

There's a difference between being "judgemental" and simply knowing what you want and what you're willing to accept.

[toscaroscura]

Anxious or Secure Sorry

But yes, it is very interesting.

 

Secure lol

 

I agree with Gaeta that a certain amount of "baggage" can mean more depth, as long as their basic ability to love isn't damaged.

[neowulf]

Secure lol

 

I agree with Gaeta that a certain amount of "baggage" can mean more depth, as long as their basic ability to love isn't damaged.

 

I don't believe "baggage" or "Life experience" creates depth.

 

I believe people who are able to reflect, absorb and *learn* from those experiences display depth.

 

I've known many people who were too busy blaming the world or other people to bother turning their gaze inward to understand their own part in their problems.

 

It's not experience that creates depth. It's your ability to learn and grow from it.

[toscaroscura]

I don't believe "baggage" or "Life experience" creates depth.

 

I believe people who are able to reflect, absorb and *learn* from those experiences display depth.

 

I've known many people who were too busy blaming the world or other people to bother turning their gaze inward to understand their own part in their problems.

 

It's not experience that creates depth. It's your ability to learn and grow from it.

 

Agreed! It's being able to be introspective and learn from said baggage. However, I have found that people who have had very little struggle in their lives, or who never ever introspect when they do, lack "depth". It doesn't make them bad people, though.

[neowulf]

Agreed! It's being able to be introspective and learn from said baggage. However, I have found that people who have had very little struggle in their lives, or who never ever introspect when they do, lack "depth". It doesn't make them bad people, though.

 

You are absolutely correct. It does not make them bad people.

 

It does however mean that you'll find them difficult to relate to, if you happen to be an introspective, reflective individual.

 

I suspect that's the issue the OP is running into.

[mightycpa]

I've heard it described that there are three levels of thinkers, from lowest to highest:

 

Those who like to talk about people.

Those who like to talk about things.

Those who like to talk about ideas.

 

I've noticed that there are a whole lot of people out there who will talk about people. You might just be in category #3, and then yes, you'll frequently be disappointed.

[Mrin]

This thread caught my interest and I'll share two slightly different distinctions.

 

1. Depth vs. Spectrum: In my binge dating years I really didn't have a problem meeting deep women. I guess I would qualify them pretty early on. Granted I was dating in a different age range (35 - 45). If they didn't have depth, they didn't have a place in my life. But what I found to be even more important than depth was breadth. A spectrum if you will. I met a good deal of women who had depth but it was limited to a narrow band of inquisitiveness. What I really craved was spectrum. To be interested in everything. Wide open. A lust for everything. I met a few that were somewhat broad spectrum but when I met my soulmate - I found my equal. And that is what mattered to me. Our dinner conversations will span everything from politics to quantum physics to spirituality to children's fables. It is intoxicating.

 

So consider not looking through the lens of depth but rather of spectrum.

 

2. Why is depth or spectrum important? I get the sense that the OP is struggling a bit as to why this is so important and what constitutes depth. Let me make another suggestion - work the equation backwards. What does depth bring you? I know for me depth and spectrum brings me intimacy. I get to share who I really am. Someone without depth or spectrum can't relate. Can't meet me in my most private of personas. That's why you crave it. And vice versa - you can't get to know that innermost matryoshka doll of the other person unless they can access it themselves. And isn't sharing our innermost matryoshka doll with each other what it is all about?

 

So I don't know what to tell you OP except put yourself in situations where you are more likely to find such people. Yoga. Meditation. Book clubs. And see what turns out.

[bippy123]

Im realizing more and more that the reason I remain single is because I just cant relate to most people. I have deep thoughts, Ive been through a lot in life despite my age (26) and it seems most people in their 20s that I meet have no concept of compassion, empathy or cant have a deep conversation because their lives have been mediocre.

 

This isnt a bad thing of course, but I come from a Soviet background where life was once tough, where I faced a lot of family difficulties and inner struggles as a result of a traumatic childhood. It makes you grow up muchh faster and have a particular understanding about life. Am I the odd one out here? Do most people have easier lives and thats why I just cant connect with them?

 

This just....sucks. Are we really so few?

I have a friend who also came from Russia , but he also has schizophrenia . It's a horrible disorder, but I have never seen anyone who suffers so much have yet still has empathy and warmth to other people like my best friend mikhail.

 

I call him my angel brother . He is more of a brother to me then my own blood brothers ever were.

 

True depth comes from 2 words

Agape love . This is the perfect divine love, it's selfless , always putting the needs of others before it's own .

 

Agape love is rare these days because the world has grown so selfish, egotistical, materialistic and self serving .

 

My best friend mikhail is like a breath of hit air .

 

The only thing is he has a very rare fetish. He is attracted to girls that can puff up their cheeks and cough with their mouths closed .

[bippy123]

This thread caught my interest and I'll share two slightly different distinctions.

 

1. Depth vs. Spectrum: In my binge dating years I really didn't have a problem meeting deep women. I guess I would qualify them pretty early on. Granted I was dating in a different age range (35 - 45). If they didn't have depth, they didn't have a place in my life. But what I found to be even more important than depth was breadth. A spectrum if you will. I met a good deal of women who had depth but it was limited to a narrow band of inquisitiveness. What I really craved was spectrum. To be interested in everything. Wide open. A lust for everything. I met a few that were somewhat broad spectrum but when I met my soulmate - I found my equal. And that is what mattered to me. Our dinner conversations will span everything from politics to quantum physics to spirituality to children's fables. It is intoxicating.

 

So consider not looking through the lens of depth but rather of spectrum.

 

2. Why is depth or spectrum important? I get the sense that the OP is struggling a bit as to why this is so important and what constitutes depth. Let me make another suggestion - work the equation backwards. What does depth bring you? I know for me depth and spectrum brings me intimacy. I get to share who I really am. Someone without depth or spectrum can't relate. Can't meet me in my most private of personas. That's why you crave it. And vice versa - you can't get to know that innermost matryoshka doll of the other person unless they can access it themselves. And isn't sharing our innermost matryoshka doll with each other what it is all about?

 

So I don't know what to tell you OP except put yourself in situations where you are more likely to find such people. Yoga. Meditation. Book clubs. And see what turns out.

 

To me depth is spiritual intimacy .

Is sex an instinctive act of lust between 2 animals or is it more ?

 

Is a kiss just 2 lips pressing together or is it the first glimpse into the heart of your soulmate . These days most people think that a kiss is just a kiss.

[bippy123]

A.) Yes deep thinkers are very few in number. I know people hate this but IQ is a measure of general intelligence. There are very few people with an IQ that is two standard deviations of the mean above average. Only 2.2% of people are "gifted" in that way. That 2.2% accounts for the most talented of our doctors, lawyers, scientist, artist and musicians.

 

Observation that proves this: Not everyone is Newton, Einstein, Hawking, Leonardo, Aristotle, Napoleon, Ghenghis Kahn, Shaka Zulu, Martin Luther King, or even just a Neil DeGrasse Tyson or a John Forbes Nash.

 

B.) Complaining about this will not solve anything. A good way to be happy is to find someone who can love and accept and support you. While an intellectual equal is nice to have as in Marie and Pierre Currie it can also be a very contentious thing to have as in Albert Einstein and Mileva Maric...or House and Dr. Cuddy.

 

TLDR People who are deep thinkers are likely to have higher IQ's even if not formally educated and by definition such people are relatively few in number. This shouldn't be any more controversial than saying that not everyone can play ball like Michael Jordan but it is.

Sorry but neil degrassi tyson may be a good astrophysicist but when he tries his hand at making philsophical statement he's a dimwitted dolt .

 

Have you ever seen his bad designer argument ?

A 2 year old could refute it.

 

I do agree on Einstein and the rest . He was a very deep thinker , even outside his field .

[toscaroscura]

I've heard it described that there are three levels of thinkers, from lowest to highest:

 

Those who like to talk about people.

Those who like to talk about things.

Those who like to talk about ideas.

 

I've noticed that there are a whole lot of people out there who will talk about people. You might just be in category #3, and then yes, you'll frequently be disappointed.

 

I would put "things" lowest and "people" in the middle. People are at least multi-faceted and interesting. There are ways to talk about "people" that isn't just nasty gossip.

[minime13]

Oh boy, I can relate. My boyfriend is 9 years younger than me and has Soviet parents. I never saw myself dating a man younger than me (#1) and, more specifically, a man almost a decade younger than me.

 

He went through a rough childhood, and and is 2 things: a man who has the depth of someone as old as me, but also doesn't have the dating experience as me. It is amazing and cumbersome. Mostly amazing, though.

 

I don't know how long you lived in one country versus the other, but the main influence on my boyfriend's life was that of his parents. He essentially grew up here, although was thrown in school without knowing a single word of English, but his parents grew up in the Soviet Union (for most of their lives).

 

It's just a different way of growing up than I had.

 

Baggage, also, was a second reason why I considered dating someone so much younger. I honestly didn't care about the other person's mistakes or cautionary tales, because I had made different choices. However, those who have been married before and have kids have a somewhat condescending way of dealing with those who haven't - especially as far as relationships are concerned.

 

I swore off dating men with kids after dating 2 with kids. There is only so many times I can hear, consistently, that I will never hold a light to what their kids mean to them. As far as divorced men, I didn't want to really hear about how hard it was to trust and commit again. In those circumstances, it is beyond annoying to be treated almost like a second child, because I didn't happen to make the mistake of marrying the wrong person (was engaged, broke it off because it wasn't right).

 

Just keep trying. That's all I can say. There are some deep people out there, but they aren't easy to find. Don't let the larger number of people you don't click with discourage you though. You learn, regardless.

[minime13]

But aren't you being judgmental when you say that? You had your own hardships so therefore you do have baggage. You cannot expect someone to have depth if they don't have baggage.

 

Not really. A lot of people can't see the forest for the trees. Having dated a number of divorced men and/or men with children, there is a disconnect, and a way of treating the never-before-married or non-parental person in a rather condescending manner. It may be subconscious, but it's there.

[Hopeful30]

But aren't you being judgmental when you say that? You had your own hardships so therefore you do have baggage. You cannot expect someone to have depth if they don't have baggage.

 

Theres different types of baggage, and Ive dated all sorts. Theres some im willing to deal with and others im not.

 

Oh boy, I can relate. My boyfriend is 9 years younger than me and has Soviet parents. I never saw myself dating a man younger than me (#1) and, more specifically, a man almost a decade younger than me.

 

He went through a rough childhood, and and is 2 things: a man who has the depth of someone as old as me, but also doesn't have the dating experience as me. It is amazing and cumbersome. Mostly amazing, though.

 

I don't know how long you lived in one country versus the other, but the main influence on my boyfriend's life was that of his parents. He essentially grew up here, although was thrown in school without knowing a single word of English, but his parents grew up in the Soviet Union (for most of their lives).

 

It's just a different way of growing up than I had.

 

Baggage, also, was a second reason why I considered dating someone so much younger. I honestly didn't care about the other person's mistakes or cautionary tales, because I had made different choices. However, those who have been married before and have kids have a somewhat condescending way of dealing with those who haven't - especially as far as relationships are concerned.

 

I swore off dating men with kids after dating 2 with kids. There is only so many times I can hear, consistently, that I will never hold a light to what their kids mean to them. As far as divorced men, I didn't want to really hear about how hard it was to trust and commit again. In those circumstances, it is beyond annoying to be treated almost like a second child, because I didn't happen to make the mistake of marrying the wrong person (was engaged, broke it off because it wasn't right).

 

Just keep trying. That's all I can say. There are some deep people out there, but they aren't easy to find. Don't let the larger number of people you don't click with discourage you though. You learn, regardless.

 

 

You see, THIS is someone I could relate to. Thank you for your kind words

[Ninjainpajamas]

I'm curious, have you ever taken the Myer-Briggs test?

 

There's a free one below;

Free personality test, type descriptions, relationship and career advice | 16Personalities

 

According to that I am an INTP, which in the first sentence in the description says...

 

The INTP personality type is fairly rare, making up only three percent of the population,

 

Guess I'm screwed in the finding someone else in the "just like me" department! the odds are definitely not in my favor.

 

Honestly I've never found anyone close to me in terms of being able to talk about so many different topics with a deep insight and understanding, but that may have more to do with all the many things I have been through and all that I've taken from them, rather than me just saying something to come off arrogant, which may be others interpretation.

 

I'm also very highly emotionally receptive, although I willingly and resentfully choose to resist the "emotional" excuses and baggage that make people feel so justified in their lack of, in whatever it may be....I ultimately find it weak and petty.

 

And that's because I know tough and difficult very well, they are old friends, so when people whine about the silliest things (to me) and let that justify and determine such a profound part of their emotional makeup if not their entire outlook and perspective in life, even as adults whom are not even taking control of their lives and what they choose to do now...I can't help but shake my head and feel disappointment. So much is wasted on feelings, so much self-pity and loathing.

 

So for me, many people dwell on things that are on such the superficial level, but huge factors in their life for themselves. But that it hardly leaves any room for anything more significant to develop, any other kind of deep and insightful experience because they're too busy feeling pressed under the woes of their current situation, which will even end at some point and then they're lucky to have even taken much wisdom from it.

 

While someone like me, kind of glazes over the "simple" because it's too "basic" for me and I'd rather be challenged with something far more intriguing and complex in life itself...to put it bluntly, I am often simply bored with the mechanics of daily life that many other people find themselves tangled with. I could very probably achieve many of the superficial goals many others long for and desire, from love to success...but for me, it is hardly motivation.

 

Love, are like apples on a tree...they're everywhere, some are ripe, some are raw, some are fresh...but they're all apples, and sometimes you just wish there was something better than just an apple.

 

Life...or life as we know it, is made up of the hum and drum...the bills, the job, the gas that goes in the car, the things that break, the things that cost, the dog that needs to go to the vet...for me these are hardly motivational factors to become completely obsessed and intrigued with.

 

I am often dazzled at the simplicity in life people desire, and yet find it so hard to achieve...but for me, I would simply have, then become bored with it and cast it away in the water like a fisherman with an undesired catch...it's just not "satisfying" and I often ponder how people can put these things on such a high pedestal and have such huge expectations for something so...simple.

 

It's as if dreams have a limit, and the only things people can dream of or about are things they've seen others have or just this idealistic simple idea that's "supposed" to bring them ultimate happiness and never does...but even then, they refuse to let it go, they are scared to take chances, they fear what's on the other side of "door number 2"...so much that it causes them instead to compromise within themselves and reason to themselves that this in fact, in their reality is the best that it can get or it just is...nobody is actually brave enough to lose it all because they're too afraid to lose what they have...and yet we've got one life to live, whether you believe in something else or not, that much is for sure right now in which that is all you currently know.

 

There isn't much "depth" to the world, when you really take a step and look back at it...it's people wrestling with the same life challenges in one way or another, someones got your issues and thinks and feels the way you do even though you consider yourself an "individual"...someone else is pursuing the exact same dream that you call "personal"...someone else out there is looking for love, marriage, kids or what not, and then when people get bored with that they start to become spiritual and look with themselves.

 

There are no truly deep thoughts or perspectives, and while I derive much satisfaction from talking about emotional and logical things...in the end, it is far underwhelming than what i truly desire. It's almost like having this idea, but the technology just doesn't currently exist to "build it"...however I suppose I'm fortunate to be alive in a time with so much advancement and technology, and comparatively radical ideals from the past....rather than being born in the past as a farmer just plowing the fields until the day I time or just simply trying to survive.

 

Maybe in 100 or 200 years from now, the depths will be better understood and accepted, where people can pursue something greater, than simply the basics of ideas of life and existence.