Not sure if it was my fault

[Shandaar]

Hi All,

 

This is my first post here and I need some input please.

 

My girlfriend and I broke up a week ago, she left me. We were together for 4 years and 9 months. I am 23 and she is 20, we both still live with our parents. We saw each other almost everyday and every weekend the whole weekend, we were making plans to move in together as soon as the finances were there, as I had just started working full time and still busy finding my feet and she was still studying planning on finishing this year. We loved each other very very much and we were best friends and completely devoted to each other, we had our fights, most notably last year when she started to change and become grumpy the whole time and she started to show less affection towards me and less interest in what I did. The frequency of our fighting started to pick up as she seemed to always be looking for a fight, up until one point where I snapped and said "im not sure you are the right girl for me" I wanted to break up with her at that point and she knew it, however I did not and apologized for what I said and the fights became less and less, however she was still not her old self, she became shallow citing physical issues I had, and using them as excuses not to make love, however I never mentioned any of her physical issues. We constantly spoke via text throughout the day and I took her out and much as I could afford. I was planning on asking her to marry me in the coming months but she was not aware of this. Fast forward to last week when she texted me and said she needed to speak to me, she broke up with me naming reasons such as, we are not compatible enough, she feels our relationship has become routine and that we are not the right people for each other. Now this caught me completely off guard as we both spoke about marriage and kids and our future and we never wanted anything other than each other, I told her I did not see this coming and she said she doesn't know why she has been hinting that she is unhappy for a while, although I could not pick anything up, as she was so busy at her work and at her studies I thought she just had stress and I was always there to comfort her and tell her its going to be OK. So anyway we broke up and I started No Contact. Today I saw she is in a new relationship with a guy she met the day after we broke up, I confirmed that she did not know him prior to us breaking up from a few sources that I trust. At the moment I am blaming myself for what happened and I feel like I lost the one and only girl I could ever love this much.

 

So basically I just need some advice. Do you guys think this is G.I.G.S and she could be coming back because the new guy is clearly just a rebound, or do you think I screwed up and she is gone forever ?

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't buy for a minute that she broke up with you a week ago, met a new guy the day after, and is now in a relationship with him. I think whomever confirmed they didn't already know each is either trying to protect your feelings or doesn't know the full story themselves. The timeline makes no sense. It sounds to me that this was coming for a little while (on her side) and she only had the courage to end it last week.

 

Also, given your ages and the length of your relationship, I am assuming neither of you has had much other dating experience. It's normal for such couples to end and date other people, see what's out there. She has more or less been with you since she was about 15. It's more common than not for young people to want to meet other people and explore different paths. Having said that, people sometimes do come back together (my brother and now-SIL being one example) But don't necessarily expect that she will come back. Ask yourself if this is really love, or if you both just became comfortable with each other and somewhat co-dependent.

 

I don't think you screwed up, per se. I just think the relationship may have run its course. If you can still see her on social media (and I'm guessing you can, given what you know about her relationship status) you need to block her. Being able to see her updates isn't really No Contact. Focus on your own healing now.

[mightycpa]

 

1. Do you guys think this is G.I.G.S and
   
2. she could be coming back because the new guy is clearly just a rebound,
   
3. do you think I screwed up and
   
4. she is gone forever ?
   

 

 

1. Yes. She's had her fill of you, and wants to explore that great big world out there. It's not a bad way to go. She just got a head start on you, that's all.
   
2. She's not coming back. If she does, you need to think about how she broke up with you silently, in her head, and then gave you the news. This is not who you want in your life, and I can't imagine she'd stay for long. Something about getting back together lets the other person see why they dumped you in the first place. If she comes back, throw her back into the sea.
   
3. The only part where you screwed up is the part where the relationship got worse, and you moved towards marriage rather than away from it. I don't think you screwed up the relationship nearly as much as she did, according to your version of events.
   
4. Probably.
   

Don't worry about it. This happens to almost everybody at your age. Think of this as an opportunity and take it gratefully.

[Shandaar]

We have always been extremely honest with each other so we both had full access to the others phone and Facebook accounts, She forgot to change her password and I logged in and read the messages she and the new guy sent each other after I saw she was in a new relationship, he added her the day after we broke up and that's when they started chatting, she was vulnerable and he took advantage of that. So I really do know for a fact that she only knows this guy for about a week. I have now blocked her from everything and removed her number from my phone. You are also right in assuming that neither of us are very experienced in dating as we were each others first loves.

 

The only thing that I find really really hard to believe is that she could move on and forget about me this quickly, I mean we shared so so many good memories and as far as I could tell we were both very happy, I taught her how to drive, I was always there to pick her up from her exams and always spoiled her whenever I could she was my 1st sexual partner and I was hers, ect. ect. there really are too many to mention, we were the perfect couple, the couple other couples wanted to be like. she loved all the attention I gave her, if she could not talk to me for a day for whatever reason she would be miserable. That is why this whole thing is so hard for me to accept its still unreal to me I expect to wake up any moment and realize it was just a bad dream.

 

That's why I was asking if you think that this is just a phase she is going through, I know some people are skeptical about GIGS, but at this point I don't know what to think anymore. As much as I miss her and love her I don't think I can ever take her back after she has been with someone else it just would not be the same, however I might change my tune as time goes by and I miss her even more, so my aim here is not to get her back. I just want some answers and help trying to figure out why this happened.

[mightycpa]

Two things:

 

as far as I could tell we were both very happy

You need to re-read what you wrote when you were being honest with yourself.

The only thing that I find really really hard to believe is that she could move on and forget about me this quickly. I just want some answers and help trying to figure out why this happened.

She broke up with you silently, in her head, over time, and then gave you the news when she got used to the idea. The breakup is only a surprise to you. She had been thinking about it for a while now.

 

This is what they do. It has happened a million times before you came along, and it will happen a million times again. This is how it is.

[Shandaar]

I really miss her and I really still love her probably will for a long time, I thought she was the one, but if this is the curve ball life is going to throw at me I will see it as an opportunity to find the right girl, as long as I know that it wasn't something that I did that drove her away and cost me the girl of my dreams.

 

If I seem cold at this stage its because I am filled with rage and will probably headbutt the first happy couple I see, once this passes I am sure I will hit the soppy desperate I want her back so much phase...

[coryreply]

Sorry you're going through this, bro. It's not easy getting over a long-term gf. It's especially not easy getting over your first love. All of this will take time and you'll sort things out better in your mind in the coming weeks.

 

In the meantime, don't give in to the temptation to be self-loathing, waiting desperately for her to return. Get on with your life. Physical activity and exercise will help you tremendously. Focus your attention and energies on positioning yourself for your future. Good luck!

[Shandaar]

I really am trying to focus on myself but im finding it hard to commit to anything at the moment whether it be exercising, eating or sleeping... Im just still really finding it hard to accept that she really is gone and that it was so easy for her after I thought she loved me. But like you all said she probably broke up with me a long time ago, it only became news to me last week. The girl that she has become and the girl that is causing me so much pain right now is not the same girl that I fell in love with and loved for 5 years, she changed so much and so quickly...

[TaraMaiden2]

... The girl that she has become and the girl that is causing me so much pain right now is not the same girl that I fell in love with and loved for 5 years, she changed so much and so quickly...

 

No, of course she isn't. And you're not the same guy.

 

Thank goodness! When she began going out with you you were both minors, both children, and you were both still very much in the developmental stages of heading towards emotional, physical and hormonal maturity.

 

Those three factors do NOT run parallel, and they certainly don't match up with anyone else's factors.

 

She is STILL growing up, developing, maturing and getting to know both herself, and other experiences.

 

I know this sounds harsh, but I don't blame her - and neither should you.

You were both just kids when you got together - the likelihood of growing old together was so remote as to be a total and complete fantasy. QED.

 

Furthermore - and please don't hate me - even though she's chronologically younger than you, she's probably more emotionally mature.

It happens that way.

Ladies mature in some areas of emotion, faster than guys do, which is why you are experiencing such a mix-up of emotions now.

 

She's streets ahead of you in understanding and knowing that it's a big world out there, and your relationship with her (and vice-versa) was limiting the possibility of exploring different experiences.

 

In a way, she has set you free to do likewise. But currently, you're still upset that this isn't the 'forever yours' scenario you thought it would be.

That's understandable; but rational thought isn't something that either you, or she, are fully capable of, yet. True dat. That's biology for you!

 

Try to understand that this was not only inevitable, it was natural.

 

Now I'm not talking about the way in which she did it.

But face it, be honest: Even if she had done it differently, you'd still be cut-up about it.

Because what it boils down to, is that what you want is not what she wants.

 

I hope you feel better about things soon; try to look at this philosophically.

Time will pass, and you'll move on.

 

You never ever forget your first love; but you can always learn from it and appreciate how it opened new dimensions and possibilities up for you.

[Shandaar]

No, of course she isn't. And you're not the same guy.

 

Thank goodness! When she began going out with you you were both minors, both children, and you were both still very much in the developmental stages of heading towards emotional, physical and hormonal maturity.

 

Those three factors do NOT run parallel, and they certainly don't match up with anyone else's factors.

 

She is STILL growing up, developing, maturing and getting to know both herself, and other experiences.

 

I know this sounds harsh, but I don't blame her - and neither should you.

You were both just kids when you got together - the likelihood of growing old together was so remote as to be a total and complete fantasy. QED.

 

Furthermore - and please don't hate me - even though she's chronologically younger than you, she's probably more emotionally mature.

It happens that way.

Ladies mature in some areas of emotion, faster than guys do, which is why you are experiencing such a mix-up of emotions now.

 

She's streets ahead of you in understanding and knowing that it's a big world out there, and your relationship with her (and vice-versa) was limiting the possibility of exploring different experiences.

 

In a way, she has set you free to do likewise. But currently, you're still upset that this isn't the 'forever yours' scenario you thought it would be.

That's understandable; but rational thought isn't something that either you, or she, are fully capable of, yet. True dat. That's biology for you!

 

Try to understand that this was not only inevitable, it was natural.

 

Now I'm not talking about the way in which she did it.

But face it, be honest: Even if she had done it differently, you'd still be cut-up about it.

Because what it boils down to, is that what you want is not what she wants.

 

I hope you feel better about things soon; try to look at this philosophically.

Time will pass, and you'll move on.

 

You never ever forget your first love; but you can always learn from it and appreciate how it opened new dimensions and possibilities up for you.

 

This is very very true, and I have come to realize that we may never have been the right people for each other as she stated. When we started dating everything was new and shiny and exciting and I have to admit that our honeymoon phase lasted a very long time 2 and a half years about, I don't actually know if this is a long time but it feels long to me, once the honeymoon phase passed our issues started with the fighting and I think we both started taking each other for granted. But we loved and cared for each other so much that we thought it would get better, and I actually thought that if we got married and moved in together it would get better, but I now realize it would only have gotten worse and that I am thankful the relationship ended before I proposed.

 

I am furious but not at her, its her life and if she was not happy who am I to try and force her, what makes me mad is that she could forget and move on so quickly after everything we had and shared and meant to each other. As I said in a previous post I don't want to be in a relationship with her again for 2 reasons:

 

1. It will never feel the same after I know she has been with someone else, that trust is gone forever.

 

2. As I said I now realize that it would never have worked out between us in the long run, there were just too many things that did not add up, but as they say love is blind and I really did love her with all my heart and soul and believed that all those issues would go away once we were married, which was not the right way of looking at it. We would have gotten married and it would have ended in flames in a few months or a year.

 

But none of these things makes it any easier to accept that I have lost my best friend and the person that meant the most in the world to be, I feel like half of me has died, there is nothing worse than not being able to talk to her and ask her how her day was and what is going on in her life, this is killing me, but I cant only be her friend as my feelings for her and my love for her will always be there even though I wont take her back if she does come back.

[Shandaar]

So I am going to my best friends graduation party on Saturday, now his GF and my Ex and pretty close and she has invited her and her new BF, meaning the 3 of us will be at the same party, also there are not a lot of other people I think 7 or 8 at the most.

 

I just want to know what the best course of action for me would be, not going is not an option.

 

Any help here would really be appreciated...

[minime13]

So I am going to my best friends graduation party on Saturday, now his GF and my Ex and pretty close and she has invited her and her new BF, meaning the 3 of us will be at the same party, also there are not a lot of other people I think 7 or 8 at the most.

 

I just want to know what the best course of action for me would be, not going is not an option.

 

Any help here would really be appreciated...

Actually, not going is an option. If you can't handle it then you shouldn't put yourself through it. Seven or eight people is a pretty intimate gathering, and you don't need that right now if you're trying to get over her. Just do something special with the friend beforehand. I mean, he didn't have the foresight to not invite his best friend's ex and her new boyfriend? That's kind of dickish.

 

He's your best friend, and you should be able to explain this to him and have him understand.

[imbax]

Hey mate sorry to hear for your loss, your story resembles mine heaps too. I think the best course of action would be to go strict NC for a few weeks to get your initial emotions under control and your head straight. Then maybe send a feeler in to see where she's at after a month or two. Then you will know for certain if it was meant to be or not. In the meantime, pretend she is dead and don't go to events she is going to.

 

What helped me the most was the NC for at least 6 weeks then seeing her again made it a lot easier and her then telling me that she has moved on just summed it up for me. Just play it cool and take it easy. Time to focus on yourself now and be who you are whether she is there for you or not. That is the man i intend to be. Keep me updated man You sound like a great guy.

[Shandaar]

Hey mate sorry to hear for your loss, your story resembles mine heaps too. I think the best course of action would be to go strict NC for a few weeks to get your initial emotions under control and your head straight. Then maybe send a feeler in to see where she's at after a month or two. Then you will know for certain if it was meant to be or not. In the meantime, pretend she is dead and don't go to events she is going to.

 

What helped me the most was the NC for at least 6 weeks then seeing her again made it a lot easier and her then telling me that she has moved on just summed it up for me. Just play it cool and take it easy. Time to focus on yourself now and be who you are whether she is there for you or not. That is the man i intend to be. Keep me updated man You sound like a great guy.

 

Hi Imbax,

 

I just read through your thread and your story is similar to mine in so many ways, I can see so much of my ex in yours and I also think you and I are a lot alike.

 

I would not say I was always the best BF for her but I think I most definitely made more effort than she did, she rarely initiated conversation and she never made any effort to plan a event, in fact I don't think she planned one event in our time together.

 

I know she did love me but I think I have also come to realize that it was more of a friendship love or brotherly love than that passionate mad love that true lovers share, I know I felt that for her, although I did start to have my doubts about her and about us at the end of the relationship, but my love or effort I made for her never lessened, if anything I tried harder to be there for her and to make her happy.

 

I don't think I smothered her as I was always the one that needed more space, she was the needy one, I also think that is the main reason she jumped into a new relationship after a week, she is incapable of being alone, whether its permanent or not. those are her words as well not mine.

 

But yes the fact still stands that the situation sucks, and I wont be over her for a long long time even though the pain of knowing she could throw me away and forget about me and is now with someone else, who I am pretty sure is just using her is suffocating me...

[Holmes85]

Shandaar,

 

Let me offer you some advice, based on the experiences I've had.

 

There is no girl on this planet, who after investing in a 4 year relationship quickly gets into another one immediately.

 

She was definitely cheating on you in an emotional sense (while being with you of course).

 

She has been testing waters with this other guy for some time, once the feelings were mutual, that's when YOU started to see the change in her behavior.

 

She wanted to pull the plug on you for quite some time, but couldn't, I mean c'mon she needs some reason, any reason would do (for her) and once she see's the opportunity, she took it and ran off into his arms like he was the prize, leaving you in shock.

 

In the future, she's going to throw many breadcrumbs at you, first it would be from guilt (which may last a few months), then second would be when the honeymoon phase with the new guy is over, wanting to keep you around as an option (which would also take months) and finally after many many months or years when she starts to question what she did.

 

The question here is this, are you willing to wait and waste that much time on someone, who royaly screwerd you over BIG TIME? Your answer might be yes, since the breakup is still fresh, give it a year or two and lets see if you still have the same opinion on that matter.

 

Time to go dark on this one, let her experience the life without you, don't buldge for even a second, don't reply to anything, no she does not want reconciliation at this point, she wants to get rid of the guilt or keep you as a Plan-B, neither is best for you, take as much time as you need to heal and upgrade from this emotional wreck of a girl.

 

Good luck to you!

 

P.S

 

It's definitely not a rebound. It's GIGS. Not the GIGS that is written here in detail. It's the simple GIGS that is I think he's better than you, let her have it, you just keep your cool and let the events unfold on there own. You would be glad that you got out of this mess.

Edited June 4, 2015 by Holmes85
!

[Shandaar]

Shandaar,

 

Let me offer you some advice, based on the experiences I've had.

 

There is no girl on this planet, who after investing in a 4 year relationship quickly gets into another one immediately.

 

She was definitely cheating on you in an emotional sense (while being with you of course).

 

She has been testing waters with this other guy for some time, once the feelings were mutual, that's when YOU started to see the change in her behavior.

 

She wanted to pull the plug on you for quite some time, but couldn't, I mean c'mon she needs some reason, any reason would do (for her) and once she see's the opportunity, she took it and ran off into his arms like he was the prize, leaving you in shock.

 

In the future, she's going to throw many breadcrumbs at you, first it would be from guilt (which may last a few months), then second would be when the honeymoon phase with the new guy is over, wanting to keep you around as an option (which would also take months) and finally after many many months or years when she starts to question what she did.

 

The question here is this, are you willing to wait and waste that much time on someone, who royaly screwerd you over BIG TIME? Your answer might be yes, since the breakup is still fresh, give it a year or two and lets see if you still have the same opinion on that matter.

 

Time to go dark on this one, let her experience the life without you, don't buldge for even a second, don't reply to anything, no she does not want reconciliation at this point, she wants to get rid of the guilt or keep you as a Plan-B, neither is best for you, take as much time as you need to heal and upgrade from this emotional wreck of a girl.

 

Good luck to you!

 

P.S

 

It's definitely not a rebound. It's GIGS. Not the GIGS that is written here in detail. It's the simple GIGS that is I think he's better than you, let her have it, you just keep your cool and let the events unfold on there own. You would be glad that you got out of this mess.

 

Hi Holmes85,

 

Thanks for your reply, I am pretty sure she did not know this guy before we broke up, but at this point anything is possible. I don't know who this girl is anymore and frankly I don't care.

 

All I want at this stage is for their relationship to fail, I don't care if she comes back, I don't care if she never contacts me again.

 

So based on that what would you say are the possibilities of such a relationship lasting ?

[DexterLS]

Nobody here will ever know how much time the relationship with the other guy will last. It might take 3 months, 3 years or 30 years. It doesn't matter.

 

The fact that you are even asking this question is detrimental to your process of moving on.

 

Your ex couldn't have moved on so easily. Like Holmes85 said, she most definitely knew the guy prior to the break-up and have been contemplating this for a long time.

 

This is why she is ahead of you emotionally. Give it time, stick with NC and you will be fine. I promise.

[elaine567]

Hi Holmes85,

 

Thanks for your reply, I am pretty sure she did not know this guy before we broke up, but at this point anything is possible. I don't know who this girl is anymore and frankly I don't care.

 

All I want at this stage is for their relationship to fail, I don't care if she comes back, I don't care if she never contacts me again.

 

So based on that what would you say are the possibilities of such a relationship lasting ?

 

There is no way to predict how long this will last, it may be a fling lasting a few weeks/months, it may be the start of a relationship lasting a few years or they may grow old together, who knows?

I know you want this to end horribly, and you will feel good and vindicated and you will enjoy the moment, but it may not.

YOU have to learn to not care any more about anything she does. She broke up with you, what she does now is none of your business.

 

You have known this girl since she was 15, the likelihood of the two of you getting married and living happily ever after was very small.

She needs to grow up and experience life, why shouldn't she?

As do you.

[Shandaar]

Thanks for the replies DexterLS and Elaine567.

 

For arguments sake lets assume that she did not know him prior to her breaking up with me, and lets assume that she did not have contact with any other guys or was testing the waters with anyone else before she broke up with me. What would that mean, and what would that say about her being able to move to a new guy she knows a week and then go into a new relationship, after being in one for as close as makes no difference 5 years.

 

I know this is all highly unlikely but as I said for arguments sake.

[elaine567]

Thanks for the replies DexterLS and Elaine567.

 

For arguments sake lets assume that she did not know him prior to her breaking up with me, and lets assume that she did not have contact with any other guys or was testing the waters with anyone else before she broke up with me. What would that mean, and what would that say about her being able to move to a new guy she knows a week and then go into a new relationship, after being in one for as close as makes no difference 5 years.

 

I know this is all highly unlikely but as I said for arguments sake.

 

I guess she checked out of your relationship quite a while ago, and I guess she only told you, when she felt she was ready to move on.

SO whilst you are devastated and blind sided, she is all prepared and ready to date again.

She, being completely free, having had the break up conversation with you, grabbed the first man who showed interest, it appears.

I guess she was desperate for a new man, having been with you for so long and I guess having no other sexual experiences, she was excited to try something new. She is young, she is at the peak of her attractiveness and will be flattered to get the attention.

 

It is not that uncommon, people who split up from LTRs do not want to be lonely, they want to prove something to themselves and to others too, that they can easily get someone else and that splitting up was the right thing to do.

He showed up, he showed interest, she grabbed him.

[Shandaar]

I guess she checked out of your relationship quite a while ago, and I guess she only told you, when she felt she was ready to move on.

SO whilst you are devastated and blind sided, she is all prepared and ready to date again.

She, being completely free, having had the break up conversation with you, grabbed the first man who showed interest, it appears.

I guess she was desperate for a new man, having been with you for so long and I guess having no other sexual experiences, she was excited to try something new. She is young, she is at the peak of her attractiveness and will be flattered to get the attention.

 

It is not that uncommon, people who split up from LTRs do not want to be lonely, they want to prove something to themselves and to others too, that they can easily get someone else and that splitting up was the right thing to do.

He showed up, he showed interest, she grabbed him.

 

I think that is exactly what happened, but would this then be considered a rebound relationship ?

[DexterLS]

I think that is exactly what happened, but would this then be considered a rebound relationship ?

 

It doesn't matter Shandaar.

 

My friend's ex cheated on him and dumped him for another guy. 5 years later, she is married to the guy and have two kids. They are pretty happy.

 

I know this is not what you want to hear but nobody can predict what will happen in the future with their relationship. It might not work, but it might just work very well too.

 

Stop speculating about this and go No Contact. The sooner, the better.

[Shandaar]

It doesn't matter Shandaar.

 

My friend's ex cheated on him and dumped him for another guy. 5 years later, she is married to the guy and have two kids. They are pretty happy.

 

I know this is not what you want to hear but nobody can predict what will happen in the future with their relationship. It might not work, but it might just work very well too.

 

Stop speculating about this and go No Contact. The sooner, the better.

 

Thanks DexterLS, I will try my best. I will keep you guys updated.

[elaine567]

I think that is exactly what happened, but would this then be considered a rebound relationship ?

 

It all depends on whether she is still invested in you.

If she has actually moved on emotionally, knows the split was the right thing to do, isn't too worried if you get a new gf, is indifferent, then it is probably not a rebound, just a new relationship.

 

If she is still somewhat attached to you, misses you, thinks about you a lot, indecisive about her decision, then it is most likely a rebound relationship.

[Shandaar]

It all depends on whether she is still invested in you.

If she has actually moved on emotionally, knows the split was the right thing to do, isn't too worried if you get a new gf, is indifferent, then it is probably not a rebound, just a new relationship.

 

If she is still somewhat attached to you, misses you, thinks about you a lot, indecisive about her decision, then it is most likely a rebound relationship.

 

I have heard from our mutual friends and from her parents that she does miss me and that she doubts her decision, but I'm not really sure if I believe this, also in the messages I read on Facebook she sent the new guy she told him she is completely over me.