RachyB Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Hi all! I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 months. That is a very short amount of time I am aware, however we spend a large majority of time together, especially as he is currently unemployed. I do work and I do study, however I still spend a large proportion of my free time with him so I feel as if I have made a significant investment into this relationship. Anyway. My issue. HE IS STILL ON TINDER! Like what the actual eff?! Sometimes, I will see him on it when I am sitting right next to him! I promise I am not a snoop and I have NEVER gone through his phone, however I have definitely seen it when I have accidentally looked over his shoulder. Now, I have confronted him about this. He claims it is no big deal, that it is a joke and that I have nothing to be concerned about because he doesn't actually TALK to any of the women, he just likes their pictures. I am REALLY upset by this, however I am trying to be cool. He claims he has deleted the app before but re downloaded it at parties for entertainment. What do I think?! A few of my friends have told me that I need to give him an ultimatum, either it is Tinder or me, however I am not that kind of woman. However, I also do not want to be disrespected. Do I let it go or is it a huge deal? I mean this evening he was entirely sweet to me, telling me that his life has been so much better since I have been in it etc, however I can't help but think he is on Tinder looking for a better option? On top of this, his ex is a massive over-achiever. You know, like this perfect, career woman. I am still studying. When we have been drinking together comments have slipped from him like "oh she certainly set a high standard for women" or "she is so beautiful and smart but I hate her". It really hurts. I know a lot of this is MY issue, and comes down to MY insecurity, but again, I do not know what to think?! Has anyone had a similar issue or can help? Thankyou!
Redhead14 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Hi all! I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 months. That is a very short amount of time I am aware, however we spend a large majority of time together, especially as he is currently unemployed. I do work and I do study, however I still spend a large proportion of my free time with him so I feel as if I have made a significant investment into this relationship. Anyway. My issue. HE IS STILL ON TINDER! Like what the actual eff?! Sometimes, I will see him on it when I am sitting right next to him! I promise I am not a snoop and I have NEVER gone through his phone, however I have definitely seen it when I have accidentally looked over his shoulder. Now, I have confronted him about this. He claims it is no big deal, that it is a joke and that I have nothing to be concerned about because he doesn't actually TALK to any of the women, he just likes their pictures. I am REALLY upset by this, however I am trying to be cool. He claims he has deleted the app before but re downloaded it at parties for entertainment. What do I think?! A few of my friends have told me that I need to give him an ultimatum, either it is Tinder or me, however I am not that kind of woman. However, I also do not want to be disrespected. Do I let it go or is it a huge deal? I mean this evening he was entirely sweet to me, telling me that his life has been so much better since I have been in it etc, however I can't help but think he is on Tinder looking for a better option? On top of this, his ex is a massive over-achiever. You know, like this perfect, career woman. I am still studying. When we have been drinking together comments have slipped from him like "oh she certainly set a high standard for women" or "she is so beautiful and smart but I hate her". It really hurts. I know a lot of this is MY issue, and comes down to MY insecurity, but again, I do not know what to think?! Has anyone had a similar issue or can help? Thankyou! You are way too invested in him after only two months and spending too much time together. If you haven't declared exclusivity or boyfriend/girlfriend, it is really none of your business if he is seeing other women. He doesn't owe you that. I'd stop seeing him so often and be busy with my life outside of the relationship until he starts showing in a clear and consistent way that he is focusing on you. Until then, you live your life and he lives his. 1
Author RachyB Posted June 2, 2015 Author Posted June 2, 2015 That's what I do not understand because he was so insistent on declaring exclusivity very early on. We have been exclusive for two months.
Redhead14 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 That's what I do not understand because he was so insistent on declaring exclusivity very early on. We have been exclusive for two months. Exclusivity for some people only means sexually. Not boyfriend and girlfriend. You need to be clear for yourself and find out from him what exclusivity means to each of you. If it means boyfriend/girlfriend to him and to you, then he should not be continuing to search for others. Even if he's only sexually exclusive with you, he should be focusing more on you. Exclusivity is just another period for evaluating the potential for a relationship to move forward. A man pushing for exclusivity from the get go is kind of sketchy. He wants to keep you for himself. He basically wants his cake and eat it too. I'd back off a bit here. Don't be as available to him. Don't take sex off the table because that is a bridge you can't uncross. Doing that will come across as using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation. All I'm saying is don't leave as many opportunities for that to happen. Do more public dates and less entertaining at home until he "comes around" and more focused. This is not about game playing, it is the way for you to manage your emotions and expectations and preparing to move on if he doesn't step up to the plate. 1
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 He's not fully in the relationship or is too immature or has relationship deal breaker issues, ie being a narcissist, sociopath, etc. He's showing you who is really is. Do both of you a favor & end it. He's not good relationship material. 2
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Anyway. My issue. HE IS STILL ON TINDER! Like what the actual eff?! I I have confronted him about this. He claims it is no big deal Being on dating sites and hook up sites after exclusivity is a betrayal of trust, nothing less. Don't be worry about being politically correct, that's how people will end up walking all over you. Ultimatums aren't bad that's how you establish your boundaries. If he wants your love, support, trust and loving your condition is to be off of any dating and hook up sites. It's a deal he takes or he leaves, as simple as that. If it's indeed no big deal than he should not have any problems uninstalling it from his phone. 1
Toodaloo Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 I have to be honest. I really do not like his behaviour. Its almost as if he is not sure if he wants you but doesn't want anyone else to while he is thinking about it... The way he goes on about his ex as well... Sorry OP but I think this one is highly insensitive... 2
Author RachyB Posted June 2, 2015 Author Posted June 2, 2015 No need to be sorry! I appreciate all of the replies and feedback. Yes he has said a few things that have made me think like "did you SERIOUSLY just say that!?"
toscaroscura Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Yeeeah, the talking about the ex like that is more a red flag than the Tinder (although that is still a red flag). IME, "agreeing" to be exclusive (especially that early) really means nothing if they aren't ACTING like they are exclusive. He seems to have one foot out the door, or he really likes making you jealous, which is very immature. BTW, the "I hate her" comment tells me he is not over her at all. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. People mistakenly think that if their SO "hates" their ex, they are in the clear. But ANY strong emotions toward an ex indicates he's still all wrapped up in her. If he was truly over her, he would be indifferent and she probably wouldn't cross his mind much except in passing. 1
organizedchaos Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Yeeeah, the talking about the ex like that is more a red flag than the Tinder (although that is still a red flag). IME, "agreeing" to be exclusive (especially that early) really means nothing if they aren't ACTING like they are exclusive. He seems to have one foot out the door, or he really likes making you jealous, which is very immature. BTW, the "I hate her" comment tells me he is not over her at all. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. People mistakenly think that if their SO "hates" their ex, they are in the clear. But ANY strong emotions toward an ex indicates he's still all wrapped up in her. If he was truly over her, he would be indifferent and she probably wouldn't cross his mind much except in passing. ^this OP, how long was it between his last ex and you? 2
dyna85 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 I would break it off with him if I were you because he's unemployed (lazy and lacks motivation), not over his ex, and not committed to you. That is in addition to the fact that he's supremely disrespectful. You deserve better. Guys like this are morons. Show him that he cannot have his cake and eat it too by leaving his sorry behind. Have respect for yourself. There are red flags ALL OVER this guy. Don't let your attraction to him blind you to these signs. Better to get out sooner rather than later, and save yourself a world of heartache and pain. It will hurt, but much less so than if you hold on for several more months or even a year or two. You deserve someone who is into you and only you. This guy's an IDIOT and by no means understanding of what it means to be 'exclusive' with someone. Always remember, we teach people how to treat us. Show him you won't tolerate his nonsense and let him go. Thank me later. 3
Author RachyB Posted June 2, 2015 Author Posted June 2, 2015 It has been over a year between me and his ex.
Redhead14 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 It has been over a year between me and his ex. Again, healing is different for different people. From what you've said above, he's harboring some kind of emotions for her. He says he hates her, so he's not past all this I'd say. And, sometimes they say they hate the ex when in fact they still love them. Until he's processed all the emotions of his past relationship, he's not going to be all in for you. End it now. Don't be specific about why, just say it seems that you two aren't a good match and wish him well. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 You need to get rid of him. He's not committed to you if he's playing around on Tinder. And he doesn't talk to them? Yeah, right. Also, he's still got a soft spot for his ex. I don't see any good reason to stick around. His actions are loud and clear. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Again, healing is different for different people. From what you've said above, he's harboring some kind of emotions for her. He says he hates her, so he's not past all this I'd say. And, sometimes they say they hate the ex when in fact they still love them. Until he's processed all the emotions of his past relationship, he's not going to be all in for you. End it now. Don't be specific about why, just say it seems that you two aren't a good match and wish him well. I'd like to add that successful dating is a process through which you are able to date and leave those scenarios that aren't/don't work for you with dignity, little to no ill will and be able to move on to a new dating partner without bringing the past with you. The sooner you identify that a partner is not right for you, the easier the entire process is. When you allow yourself to become mired in a potential relationship, the more likely it is to carry that negative experience into a new one and the more difficult it is to leave any negatives behind, thus causing hesitation and lack of focus on a new dating partner. Successful dating is not about ending up with a "relationship". It's about creating the best environment for finding the right one for you. 2
cessna Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 The OP describes this man as her boyfriend. That would indicate exclusivity. He's on a dating site, Tinder of all sites which as far as I understand is a hookup site more than anything. He says he just likes looking at their pictures? He's lying. You don't need a dating app to look at photos of woman. I guarantee you he is talking to women on that app. I'd put money on it. I wouldn't even give him an ultimatum, just get rid of him, he's no good. 1
coryreply Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Sometimes people develop a habit of viewing apps of this nature. They can almost be addictive. His pulling his phone out right in front of you shows that he's not necessarily trying to hide anything. I wonder if this is just something he developed a habit of doing.
toscaroscura Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Sometimes people develop a habit of viewing apps of this nature. They can almost be addictive. His pulling his phone out right in front of you shows that he's not necessarily trying to hide anything. I wonder if this is just something he developed a habit of doing. Yeah I'll admit I have "boredom swiped" on Tinder. But coupled with all that ex talk and it's a giant red flag. 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 I told u Rach, the people on this site know what their talking about! Rach is a unique and very appealing woman in real life. She can do so much better than this loser. Going on tinder is just not something a man does if he's really into a woman. The early stages are supposed to be super lusty and you're supposed to be infatuated and falling for one another... No man I know of who truly fell in love with their partners went on tinder after two months............ I would rather be single than with a man who needs to " browse " other women. No woman with any self respect would tolerate their " boyfriend " being on tinder and wanting to " look" at other women. Why would a man that is fully satisfied and smitten with their girlfriend NEED to check other women out? Especially in what is supposed to be the honeymoon phase??????? 3
SunnySide0418 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 I told u Rach, the people on this site know what their talking about! Rach is a unique and very appealing woman in real life. She can do so much better than this loser. Going on tinder is just not something a man does if he's really into a woman. The early stages are supposed to be super lusty and you're supposed to be infatuated and falling for one another... No man I know of who truly fell in love with their partners went on tinder after two months............ I would rather be single than with a man who needs to " browse " other women. No woman with any self respect would tolerate their " boyfriend " being on tinder and wanting to " look" at other women. Why would a man that is fully satisfied and smitten with their girlfriend NEED to check other women out? Especially in what is supposed to be the honeymoon phase??????? Especially considering he knows it bothers her and he's still doing it. That part bothers me most.
SunnySide0418 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 and on top of it all he's unemployed..... Oh yeah - I forgot about that hugely important fact. OP, what's up with him not working?? 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Rach pretty much works full text and studies nearly full time too.......... This guy apparently talks about wanting to go into medicine and study soon?..
Recommended Posts