vonfolly8 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 (edited) I'm 22 and I'm currently dating a separated guy who is not yet divorced from his wife of seven years. He also has a seven year old child from the marriage that he takes care of. I knew before I started dating him that I could be getting into a sticky situation, but I wanted to attempt to make it work because he is a very sweet, kind, loving and considerate person and we have a lot in common. I just felt very naturally attracted to him and felt like we were meant to be in each other's lives. We're now 3 months into our relationship, and things are getting difficult. From my understanding his ex was constantly cheating on him, abandoning him and his child for months at a time, and was a manipulative liar. She's also a junkie. She constantly calls his house phone asking for money, drugs, etc. and rarely do the calls ever concern their child. He claims that he cannot afford the divorce right now, which is slightly understandable because he doesn't make very much money at his current job, but he also says that he can't save because he always has to entertain me and that I expect too much out of him financially. However, I have my own job and income. I like to go out and do fun activities on a regular basis. I can be unreasonable at times, but I just don't like lying around and doing nothing which is what he always seems to want to do. He's 28 and still lives at home with his parents and several siblings, he's always lethargic and unmotivated because of the prescription medications that he takes and it seems like there's nothing I can do to try to help that. He used to abuse opiates years ago with his wife and I recently found unused needles in some of his dresser drawers, but he claims that they were his wife's and that he hasn't had time to clean up all of her stuff she left behind since she left. He also says that because he's hanging out with me so much it's taking time away from his son. I try to include his son in a lot of our activities but the child isn't seem interested because he's going through emotional/abandonment issues because of the separation from his mother. I also struggle with my own conditions like bipolar, depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. When we fight I can say pretty hateful things that I typically don't mean, and they are usually due to my manic episodes. However when I'm feeling depressed he says that I can't keep blaming my behavior on my illnesses and that my life isn't bad and that I need to grow up and stop thinking that the world owes me something. He just doesn't seem to get it. And, he's already accusing me of cheating on him for no reason and says that I'm a sex addict because I'm always wanting sex from him. (He struggles to get it up half of the time.) I can see that he's clearly still emotionally damaged from his last relationship. Is there anything I can try to do to mend this relationship? I really do love him and want us both to be happy together but it's looking impossible at this point. Thanks. Edited June 2, 2015 by vonfolly8
ascendotum Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Is there anything I do to mend this relationship? You really want to save this not so ideal relationship with this not so ideal guy at the prime (discounting your mental issues) of your life. There are 1000s of guys out there who are actually single and have their shyte together (discounting his marriage breakdown). Also dont believe everything a MM or MW might tell as to how rotten their wife/husband is. Some of it is likely to be true, but it will likely be exaggerated so as the other person they are trying to get with will have sympathy for them. 2
newmoon Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 i don't understand why you would want to mend this at all? you've described a lazy man with emotional issues and baggage, someone living at home with no motivation, someone possibly back on drugs, and someone who is accusing you of cheating and disregarding your mental illness. he doesn't sound like a good partner for you at this time, and you'd probably be much healthier away from him. imo there is no reason to mend anything and after 3 months i don't think your love is so deep that you wouldn't fully recover. 1
aloneinaz Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 There doesn't seem to be much upside to this relationship that I can see. I agree with the others in that you may find someone much better suited for the relationship you desire. This new person may also help you navigate thru your conditions easier as well. Being in this kind of dysfunctional relationship is only going to make your anxiety, depression and BPD conditions worse. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 I'm 22 and I'm currently dating a separated guy who is not yet divorced from his wife of seven years. He also has a seven year old child from the marriage that he takes care of. I knew before I started dating him that I could be getting into a sticky situation, but I wanted to attempt to make it work because he is a very sweet, kind, loving and considerate person and we have a lot in common. I just felt very naturally attracted to him and felt like we were meant to be in each other's lives. We're now 3 months into our relationship, and things are getting difficult. From my understanding his ex was constantly cheating on him, abandoning him and his child for months at a time, and was a manipulative liar. She's also a junkie. She constantly calls his house phone asking for money, drugs, etc. and rarely do the calls ever concern their child. He claims that he cannot afford the divorce right now, which is slightly understandable because he doesn't make very much money at his current job, but he also says that he can't save because he always has to entertain me and that I expect too much out of him financially. However, I have my own job and income. I like to go out and do fun activities on a regular basis. I can be unreasonable at times, but I just don't like lying around and doing nothing which is what he always seems to want to do. He's 28 and still lives at home with his parents and several siblings, he's always lethargic and unmotivated because of the prescription medications that he takes and it seems like there's nothing I can do to try to help that. He used to abuse opiates years ago with his wife and I recently found unused needles in some of his dresser drawers, but he claims that they were his wife's and that he hasn't had time to clean up all of her stuff she left behind since she left. He also says that because he's hanging out with me so much it's taking time away from his son. I try to include his son in a lot of our activities but the child isn't seem interested because he's going through emotional/abandonment issues because of the separation from his mother. I also struggle with my own conditions like bipolar, depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. When we fight I can say pretty hateful things that I typically don't mean, and they are usually due to my manic episodes. However when I'm feeling depressed he says that I can't keep blaming my behavior on my illnesses and that my life isn't bad and that I need to grow up and stop thinking that the world owes me something. He just doesn't seem to get it. And, he's already accusing me of cheating on him for no reason and says that I'm a sex addict because I'm always wanting sex from him. (He struggles to get it up half of the time.) I can see that he's clearly still emotionally damaged from his last relationship. Is there anything I can try to do to mend this relationship? I really do love him and want us both to be happy together but it's looking impossible at this point. Thanks. You are entirely too young to be trying to hang on to a relationship that will never be healthy. You should be focusing on your own future as a strong, independent woman and dating men who are in a position to give you what you want now not investing yourself in someone who would not be able to do that for quite some time, if ever. You are in no way emotionally capable of supporting a man who is struggling with so many things nor are you mature enough to help him with the kinds of things he'll be dealing with with his children. And, if anything, you will become a distraction and hinderance to his ability to focus on his own needs and the needs of his family. On the flip side, he is in no way emotionally capable of supporting you and your "issues". He's made that very clear. Move on now before you get anymore invested.
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