Author Sunshine8703 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 Unfortunately, with the one decision I don't have too much time left... About 2 1/2 weeks The attorney knows my heartache and said I can legally contact him and when I am ready he will get involved. I just don't know how to contact him or what to say? I feel like contacting him is enabling his immature behavior. I had a couple decent emotional days and today I'm just a wreck. My heart aches. The sad part is deep deep down I know he would be a good father... I know he is scared and angry right now. I just know I will be just like all the other people in his life he just through away and never spoken to again... His own father... His grandmother... His ex's... Just a very bad emotional day.
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 I can't help feeling bringing a child into all of this is just a bad move. I'm Buddhist, and as a general rule, I deplore abortion, but am extremely sympathetic 'pro-choice' wise. If it's of any comfort (and I know it's a dreadful predicament in which to find yourself) I personally would not dispute your decision, should you decide on a termination. I'd be very disappointed for you, and frankly, wish I could be there to hold your hand right now, whatever you decided. But it just seems a really unwise thing to do, to introduce a baby into this.. That's all... 2
lollipopspot Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 The sad part is deep deep down I know he would be a good father... I know he is scared and angry right now. I just know I will be just like all the other people in his life he just through away and never spoken to again... His own father... His grandmother... His ex's... This is what I meant by giving up the fantasy. Of course he wouldn't be a good father, he'd be a **** father. He can't stand up to anyone, he can't fight for anything, he's a child himself. What you have right now is what it is. I think you ought best to stop fantasizing that he's something that he's not, or that he has it in him to be something different than he's being right now. Or that a child could possibly fare well in this emotional mess. 1
minime13 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 What fantasy!? There is zero viable outcome to this. I abort and wonder if I could live with my self (which I'm sorry for being human and having feelings) I "run away" and then feel equally as bad. What do I say when my child asks me where their father is? I stay here and allow his mother to control the situation (which I don't doubt they wouldn't be loved as screwed up as this situation is). You forget that we WERE happy, we bought a home together because we loved each other and wanted a future together. We discussed children and he was okay with children until he freaked out and ran. We had family dinner every Sunday... We were a "normal" couple. Ultimately I feel I will not be able to make a decision without a discussion. How I'm going to get that discussion is beyond me at this point. That family isn't healthy, and I'm sorry, the grandfather of your child would be a drug runner. You want that? You are essentially dating him and his mom. He can't detach himself from her teet, and has latched on with a vengeance since finding out you are pregnant. That is no father figure. He basically abandoned you since finding out about your pregnancy, and has also told you he wants you to abort and doesn't want it. This will never change. His mother will always be in control of his life. He'll always run to her about everything. She'll emotionally beat you into submission, like she's done with her son. Then she'll be in control of raising your child. Again, you want that? Get some legal advice. See what you have to do to get sole custody. If you fear for your life, get advice on that. These people need to have as little impact on your life and your future child's life as possible. You don't have to deny him his right to be a father - if that is what he wants - but the law will be on your side. See what evidence you have to gather to allow supervised visitation, etc., and collect it. Your child does not need that kind of influence. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 The chances of a child thriving amongst all of this mess and drama are slim, I hope you know that. If you were doing it truly alone then sure, I'm sure things would turn out okay. But having to have him and her involved, is going to be extremely damaging for the child if what you've said is true. I have to say you have brought some of this on yourself too. You moved in with a guy after six months in a home you had no claim to (i.e. could be kicked out at any time) when it was already rocky, on average he has ran away once per month since you moved in and yet you are still trying to salvage this? When you wrongly assumed he was going to a doctor's appointment and there was a misunderstanding, you went crazy and packed a bag and said 'I'm leaving' but then get mad when he actually does pack a bag and leave? There's a whole load of game playing going on here and you're both losing. Reason I say this isn't to get at you, it's because you can only change your own actions, not his, and you need to take a look at what kind of drama you are willing to tolerate and fuel in relationships. Your description of being a 28 year old career woman is at odds with the ridiculous levels of childishness involved in this situation... a situation a baby may be born into. This is just too much. You're talking like you've got a five year marriage to try saving... one year? Given that you only got pregnant two months ago it's insane that you tolerated this (both what you and he have done) for ten months before you even know you were pregnant. You know that you aren't going to be with this guy, and that if you have his kid then for better or worse he and his family have a right to have input into that child's life. You keep talking about being afraid that they may try and take the child away from you and up for adoption: what is it that makes you think a court would have reason to remove a child from your care? I don't know where you live but most courts will only remove a child if there are serious concerns about its welfare. 1
Author Sunshine8703 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 1. Their future grandfather would not be a drug runner.... He died several years ago (that is my ex's real father) 2. I DO take responsibility for my faults in the relationship. I was always on edge and felt like I needed extra attention because I was always scared he was going to leave. 3. They have no reason to take my child away from me. I'm not addicted, crazy etc. but as I have said before you don't know these people. 4. Fortunately for you you do not know him. I do. I loved with him and as I said in my original post he went through a lot in his life. I do not condone his behavior. But this is what he grew up to know, quite frankly I'm surprised he is not even more messed up than he is. 5. I feel I have acted in the most mature way possible. I have given them everything they need (Sonoa, paperwork, future dr visits, etc.). I have not gone crazy and texted/ called him, I have given him his space.
Author Sunshine8703 Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 He texted me asking if we could speak... We have some things to split before I completely move out on Saturday. The conversation was fine at first... He said he wants to be there for the baby and be a good dad. Of course we started digressing the issues of the relationship and it got heated... He then told me he will do what he has to do as a father but he is done with the relationship. I guess that's it.
ZiggyZoo Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I'm glad you at least talked to him, even if it did get heated. At least now you know, and can plan accordingly. You can read my posts for the whole story, but I too am pregnant, and I got dumped early on in it. So I can relate to a whole lot of what you might go through, and I'll help as much as I can. My ex didn't try to become involved until the very end, a few weeks ago, so I did the whole thing basically alone. Believe me when I say that you can do this. You'll find strength that you didn't know you had... Hang in there, you can do this.
Author Sunshine8703 Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 Thank you. Do you have a link to your post?
ZiggyZoo Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 You're welcome! I can't figure out how to link it all with my phone. But if you click my name, then "view public profile", then "statistics", it'll let you look at the threads I've started. I'll come back later when I'm at my computer and post a direct link if you don't want to mess with all that.
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 click on Ziggy's name. Click on "View public profile". To the left, you'll see the option "statistics". Click on that, and again, to the left, you'll see the options of either finding her posts or all her threads. Select the thread option. That will bring up all the threads she's posted on her situation... To help....here they are...
whirl3daway Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 I'm a child of a relationship quite like your and your [ex]boyfriend's. I no longer have contact with my father [he abused me in a myriad of ways], and have extremely low contact with my mother. I have some pieces of advice for you. - Do NOT force your child to have a relationship with your ex, even if you think it's the best thing to do. Your ex is responsible for the relationship he has with his child, regardless of what it is. Your child will resent you if you try to force anything beyond what your child is comfortable with, and start to view you as an un-safe person. - Do NOT engage with his mother. Set boundaries for visits, etc, with what YOU are comfortable with. Do not let guilt guide you. - Always, do what is best FOR the child. Not what YOU think is best for the child. Theoretically yes, it would be nice for your kid to have a good relationship with their father. In practice, if that means that your child is being taught extremely unhealthy things and being treated badly and they are telling your child bad things about you... you need to put your foot down. - Your child will likely need therapy, and there's nothing wrong with that. Coming from such a dysfunctional family can breed some VERY dysfunctional habits and thought patterns, especially if your ex has some genetic issues [seems likely]. - Has your ex gone through extensive therapy for his sexual abuse? It is pretty important, in order to be a good dad, to have dealt with the problems sexual abuse brings up. Very important. You have a very tough road ahead of you, and you must ensure that you do right by your kid since you are choosing to bring them into such a dysfunctional situation. I have often wished that my parents had not had me. 1
Author Sunshine8703 Posted June 6, 2015 Author Posted June 6, 2015 Today had to be the hardest day of my life. After our conversation last night getting heated I reached out to him today to tell him about how my dr appointment went. Apparently his mother listened to out 1 1/2 long conversation last night and also our 15 minute conversation today. I texted and said I was absolutely done with all of them and if they needed to reach me to go through my attorney and provided the name and number. We then got a u haul and a storage unit and packed everything (literally everything in the house down to the door handles were mine). His mother got nasty with my mother and said "after this there is no more communication with anyone". He was so mean to me on the phone today. I am so hurt. I lay here on my parents couch with this horrible mans baby growing inside of me and I can't stop crying. I miss our life, I miss our routines, maybe I should've been more obedient... Atleast I wouldn't be doing this on my own. I am so devastated, hurt and sad. I can barely breath. What is wrong with these people.
CarrieT Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Sunshine, I am more sorry than I can say... Please take some small solace in the virtual hugs you will get from us. (((((( Sunshine ))))))) 1
mystikmind2005 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 It is probably a bit late now, but what this guy needed was a support group other than his mom. People with these kind of deep issues really do benefit from having a support group, you never have to do it all on your own. There is nothing special about anger and hatred and proving how long you can not communicate, it is as common as salt in the sea... if you have to do it, do it out of necessity only, not bitterness. Best of luck *hugs
ZiggyZoo Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Sending some big, big hugs from me too. Please, please don't think for one second that you should've been more obedient, or should've let his mom have her way, or you should've put up with more...you are doing what's best and right for you and the baby. No, it's not the easiest thing, but it's what you needed to do. These people have a dysfunction, and it took a tremendous amount of courage to let them know that you're not going to take it anymore. I'm proud of you, I bet this has got to be a time of enormous stress. Please believe me though, when I say it'll calm down. Emotions are high right now, but you have months and months until this little one is born, and any real action needs to be taken. I'm glad that you got all your things divided, and you told them to channel all future communication through your lawyer. That will make it easier for you, just ignore all of them. There's no reason for them to have anything to do with you. Again, big hugs. You can do this, you've done so well already.
Author Sunshine8703 Posted June 6, 2015 Author Posted June 6, 2015 Thank you. I still cannot stop shaking and I have no idea how I will ever get over this! I keep telling myself as a narcissist he is incapable of loving... He himself even told me that. I am just so disappointed and hurt... More for my baby. What a horrible situation and my heart aches... I miss my puppy that they just took from me so bad!! Ahhhhh thank goodness for a counciling appointment tomorrow and I need to just tell myself one foot in front of the other. 1
Itspointless Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 (edited) But would I be able to live with myself if I took my child away from their father? I believe he would be a good father without his mother. I want to reach out to him to talk but I know his mother will tell him he can only talk to me with her. I don't know what to do. I really do not believe he would be a good father, but I also do not believe he is consciously hurting you. To me it sounds like he has severe attachment-issues, he might even have a disorganized attachment style: Disorganized Attachment So every time when fear is triggered he gets into this state of mind where all thinking is shut down, and that is when his controlling mother takes over. Her involvement also might be a cultural thing (I don't know). You on the other hand seem to be very outgoing with your emotions, I am not saying that is bad (its a good thing you can) but it triggers him. Having read your story I really doubt that you two find a solution for this, sorry. I wish you wisdom. Edited June 6, 2015 by Itspointless
Author Sunshine8703 Posted June 6, 2015 Author Posted June 6, 2015 Thank you for the link. I do agree he probably does have that to some degree. However I have to disagree that he does continually know he is hurting me. What 28 year old man would think leaving their pregnant girlfriend, kicking her out and being completely disrespectful wouldn't be consciously hurting her? His emotions were always the subject of issue in the relationship. He knew he was "very different" he knew he was unable to feel like a "normal person". He told me that when he spent a year in rehab they taught them to take pride on being a good person to cover up any guilt you had. I feel he still does this today. His ability to throw a person out of his life with no feelings ( he use to tell me "he just gets over it quickly and moves on")... His own father he did this to after not seeing him for several years and then seeing him and having a wonderful day together he vanished and never spoke to him again. He did it with his grandmother years and years ago and every girlfriend he ever had (none ever longer than 10 months except me). He sucked the life out of me. It's like he was slowly manipulating me and I didn't even know it. He would leave during arguments and I oils have to beg him to come back ... And stupid me would do it. I enabled the behavior. As far as his mother, she had her own set of issues. He use to tell me he couldn't make a decision.... That he was never confident in his decision making that's why he needed her. He always said that when he went to rehab they were the only ones who stuck by him, I get that and understand it. Having a close ralationahip with your parents is one thing but not being able to make a decision without them and not being able to have a romantic relationship with your partner is an entirely other. I truthfully believe that he never wanted a committed relationship.. Never wanted a house and certainly doesn't want to be a father. He was trying to make his mother proud because that's what she has always wanted FOR HIM. It's sad and my councilor has beaten into me the distinction of this and how it would never change. I never felt like I was in a relationship with just my ex it was me, my ex and his parents. I don't trust them. I live in fear everyday. I know that since none of us are on speaking terms they will go to drastic measures to find out what is going on. I know I need to abort... More for my child's sake... I never want them to know this feeling or the feeling of no emotion. One day at a time is all I ever tell myself.
Radu Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 But would I be able to live with myself if I took my child away from their father? I believe he would be a good father without his mother. I want to reach out to him to talk but I know his mother will tell him he can only talk to me with her. I don't know what to do. Wrong, it's not really your choice. If you have this child, he will worm himself into the child's life because his mother wills it. I have dealt with ppl like them, and you will never be rid of them ... their desire at it's most bare form is one of control and he will gladly give that control to mommy dearest who will live to a ripe old age. At that point your life [and the child's life] will be hell because as abusers, they will have no qualms at doing whatever it takes to establish themselves as the boss. The only real choice you have [and only for now] is wether to abort or not. 2
CarrieT Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 You are going to have pro-lifers here try to persuade you to keep the baby, but I am in the camp that this child will be hounded by abusers his entire life if you bring it into the world. 5
Radu Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 To add to what Carrie said ... i'm the type of person that tries to see all angles in a situation, so even when i advise this course of action i think in terms of 'xx% it's the right course of action', but in this case i would have to say that this is 100% the course of action. I'll add a few more things : - i'm gonna go on the assumption that you live in the US. It's very good country if you are a woman and are facing family court because they tend to favor women a lot. However, all of this will mean squat against these ppl because they don't play by the same set of rules as you and your family does. Most likely they will have to qualms manipulating public opinion in their favor by telling their sad story to everyone. It's bad if you live in a city but if you live in a small town it's even worse [and i get the feeling that you do]. - expect a hit on your business if you live in a small town. If the business is reliant on your social skills, you will be hurt very badly. A rumor campaign will be started [this will happen no matter what]. - his mother is most likely the matriarch, and they are clannish in nature. Think ... Charlotte's brief MIL called Bunny ... but worse. At this point ... no matter what you do you are scre*ed. Even if you do abort, you will not be fully rid of them [these ppl will metaphorically beat the cr*p out of you no matter how low you are] ... but at least you will slowly be out of this mess. My advice ... get out of town for a while, say you are very stressed. Talk to your mother and let her handle the affairs with a lawyer. If need be, get a small hit, but sever links to them [pronto]. While out of town ... have a 'miscarriage'; get an abortion but report it to others as a miscarriage. Your family has the right attitude about responsability ... but all bets are off with nutbags like these. PS: And if anyone asks in town before you left or during your leaving ... say you decided to keep it. 1
Itspointless Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Hi Sunshine, thank you for your kind answer. I agree that it would be unimaginable for me to leave my pregnant girlfriend, and kicking her out while being disrespectful to her. I do think that when he is feeling some sort of stress his brain makes a shortcut to primitive patterns he has learned when really young, then for escaping the abuse. My guess is that everything that frightens a bit him makes this happen. But that leaves you and your unborn child in a very unhealthy situation. What you describe about his emotions or the hiding away of it reminds me of my ex. It was a short relationship, it turned out she was dismissive-avoidant attached (Type: Dismissive-Avoidant | Jeb Kinnison) She eventually pushed me away when I came to close and when she came into a very stressful situation. Several things you describe of him – how he dealt with emotions and people - remind me of her. I also know that dismissive-avoidant attached people can pretend like they do not care. You definitely are not stupid for falling in love and perhaps enabling him. But it guess it would be helpful for you, somewhere in the future, to look a little bit closer to what attracted you to him, and why. I think your therapist can help with that. There also are a lot of wise people here answering, like Carrie and Radu. In the end do what feels right to you.
lollipopspot Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 - i'm gonna go on the assumption that you live in the US. It's very good country if you are a woman and are facing family court because they tend to favor women a lot. This is simply not true. Family court decisions are not gendered, they are based on role within the family.
Author Sunshine8703 Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 You are correct, I am in the US... NYS which is very much a "mother state" however like you said these are different types of people. I know they will go to extremes to find things out. Especially since my family has blocked them. I'm just a mess.... I feel so alone (even though my parents are being beyond supportive). I'm literally sick about all of this. It's hard to believe less than two weeks ago it was just another Saturday for him and I. I do feel abortion is the right thing to do.... I would always fear disfunction I'm my child's life or even more that they would kidnap them. It was interesting the other day his mother kept saying to my mom "I don't want my son to be perceived negatively" ... Then maybe your son should man up. Since it is normal that they will bash me to whoever will listen I can only imagine.... I just don't understand how this is happening.... I'm not the one who left and when I last spoke to him I begged him to go to one counciling session and of t didn't get us anywhere we could Atleast look our child in the face and tell them we tried. He said absolutely not. Tonight he will be at the strip club with his buddies for a bachelor party... I'm sure the bashing of me will commence. 2
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