zuzude Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) Hello. I need guidance right now. My exgirlfriend of 6 months and I left each other 1 week ago. She had been distant with me for 2 weeks now and when I had enough I confronted her. I knew she had problems with herself, eating disorder and extreme anxiety, but, for the most part of our relationship it didn't seem a big problem and we would deal with it easily. I could confort her when she was stressed, and we were very open about her eating disorder and I never judged her on it, only reminding her that it wasn't good for her and that if felt bad she could always call me. Now in the last two weeks her anxiety seamed have to reach a higher then ever point and nothing I would say could ease her. She would say her life was a failure and she wanted to just go traveling for some time on the go. She even asked me if she would leave tomorrow, if i would pack my bags and come with her. I told her I would love to travel with her, but it would need more preparations and not only be an escape from our problems. So when I asked her what was wrong, i already somehow knew. I asked her if she still loved me, and said yes she did. But she felt like she was being dishonest with me because she said that when I wasn't around she needed attention because of her low self esteem and had to 'flirt' with other guys to make her feel better. She told me she didn't kiss anyone or cheated on me, but she felt it could be happening and didn't want to make me live through this, so that, even if she still loves me, should would prefer to end the relationship to protect me from her. I asked her if she would be willing to go see a therapist instead of breaking everything and keep feeling bad all the time and she said no, she couldn't go. So for me it was very clear that if she wasn't willing to help herself, there was nothing i could do, so I just grabbed all my things, told her if she had a change of heart and felt like she wanted to do something about it I could still be there for her and went out. Now it's been a week and we had no contact since. But she works and the same place as I so we passed by each other a couple of time, with no exchange. Now I don't know what to do, because I know in my head that I can't be the one to reach to her, but I so damn want to. I want to be there for her and help her and love her but I know that I can't do that. Should I follow trough the no contact or should I ask her how she feels about this. I don't want to be too late if she's waiting for me to go to her, but I don't want to be waiting for her either. Thank you for listening to my story, and help me see clearer. Edited June 1, 2015 by zuzude
NC-Thomas Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 She doesn't want to work on her problems and it seems she doesn't want to work on the relationship in a whole. Could be that she is using these problems to break up with you as a manner of not telling you there is somebody else around... Girls use excuses to break up and let you down softly: perhaps also her reason for not contacting you. In the end: if she really liked you, she would have take more effort to work on things. Seems like this was bound to happen. Also, you speak about love, but you have only been together for 6 months (?). You dodged a bullet, she has too much problems of her own. Keep no contact, don't be friends or even go talk to her. Say hi and move on when you really cant avoid her. Do not be available. Maybe block her on social media... Good luck and keep posting!
aloneinaz Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 From what you posted, it appeared she had been checking out of that relationship for a while. She then used some (poor) excuses to justify ending it with you. To answer your question, no, you shouldn't contact her again. It will only push her further away, stroke her ego and make you feel worse about the situation. I'd strongly suggest that you stay NC for YOU to heal. It will allow you time to really assess that relationship and allow you to ask yourself if you were really happy in it. At time passes in NC, you may come to the conclusion that your happy it's over.
Marco Valerio Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 I agree with the two answers above. I've dealt with the same type of RS, a chick with ED that loved flirting with other boys (this led to cheating and lying). Trust me, run, move on. I've been where you are now and I believed all her bull**** and it was the worst decision ever. She doesn't care about you nor loves you. She's pursuing her own needs, selfish in most cases. 1
coryreply Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Sorry you're going through this right now. It must be very painful to have to see her on a daily basis at work. The best thing you can do for her and yourself right now is maintain NC. You told her very clearly how you felt the day you left. The ball is in her court. She needs to make some decisions.
Author zuzude Posted June 2, 2015 Author Posted June 2, 2015 Thanks everyone for the advice. Now I know I may be stupid but yesterday I couldnt keep up so I decided to text her to ask her out tonight to take a coffee and talk. My tought process was that if she's not willing to come it'll be clear and I could delete her phone number, unfriend on Facebook and start to really move on. To my surprise, she said yes she would like that and now we will meet later tonight in a cafe-bar. We exchanged quite a bit unrelated texts in the day at work about fluff. So right now, rest assured that your advice is very fresh in my head and I won't just go back to her because I can't handle the pain, but at least its been a week and maybe she will be seeing things differently this time, i feel like theres still a fight left in us, but not at all cost. I know my limits and I won't be manipulated. Maybe later tonight it'll be over forever and I will be able to start healing, maybe tonight ill make a mistake and get back with her and pay the price later, maybe tonight will make me realize i deserve better. But at least, after tonight I think things will be clearer. Thank you for the support and ill keep you updated.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Thanks everyone for the advice. Now I know I may be stupid but yesterday I couldnt keep up so I decided to text her to ask her out tonight to take a coffee and talk. My tought process was that if she's not willing to come it'll be clear and I could delete her phone number, unfriend on Facebook and start to really move on. To my surprise, she said yes she would like that and now we will meet later tonight in a cafe-bar. We exchanged quite a bit unrelated texts in the day at work about fluff. So right now, rest assured that your advice is very fresh in my head and I won't just go back to her because I can't handle the pain, but at least its been a week and maybe she will be seeing things differently this time, i feel like theres still a fight left in us, but not at all cost. I know my limits and I won't be manipulated. Maybe later tonight it'll be over forever and I will be able to start healing, maybe tonight ill make a mistake and get back with her and pay the price later, maybe tonight will make me realize i deserve better. But at least, after tonight I think things will be clearer. Thank you for the support and ill keep you updated. You really think things have changed in a week? Seriously?
Author zuzude Posted June 2, 2015 Author Posted June 2, 2015 I know a week is not a long time but the night we left each other we were drunk and she was in a really bad mood. She was very hesitant to leave me and confused and I told her I would not accept a maybe or we will decide later, try to help yourself or I go. Maybe this was not the right way to do it. And now we've been apart for one week. I much prefer this approach to the lets take a break for 2 days and reevaluate as she proposed at first, cause now I have nothing to lose even if things dont change, but I think the talk well have tonight at least won't be all impulsions and emotions, but reflections based on our week apart too.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I know a week is not a long time but the night we left each other we were drunk and she was in a really bad mood. She was very hesitant to leave me and confused and I told her I would not accept a maybe or we will decide later, try to help yourself or I go. Maybe this was not the right way to do it. And now we've been apart for one week. I much prefer this approach to the lets take a break for 2 days and reevaluate as she proposed at first, cause now I have nothing to lose even if things dont change, but I think the talk well have tonight at least won't be all impulsions and emotions, but reflections based on our week apart too. Unfortunately I think you are going to get a reality check really soon.
foolinlove79 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I know a week is not a long time but the night we left each other we were drunk and she was in a really bad mood. She was very hesitant to leave me and confused and I told her I would not accept a maybe or we will decide later, try to help yourself or I go. Maybe this was not the right way to do it. And now we've been apart for one week. I much prefer this approach to the lets take a break for 2 days and reevaluate as she proposed at first, cause now I have nothing to lose even if things dont change, but I think the talk well have tonight at least won't be all impulsions and emotions, but reflections based on our week apart too. Do you want to be with someone who is confused about you and how they feel about you?
minime13 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 She was the one that broke up with you. So why are you going to try to break NC to do anything? Regardless of what she is doing, how she feels, or whatever, she told you she no longer wants your help and support in all of it by breaking up with you. This will only hurt you. Keep going with NC.
Author zuzude Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 So well yesterday when I was about ready to leave I received a text saying she couldn't come because she was too tired and we'd have to meet tomorrow or thursday. I said ok np, and went to a friend for the night. Maybe she was feeling anxious about seeing me and needed more time to think, I thought. This morning she texted me that we should meet tonight, and we agreed on a time and place. We exchanged a few text but cut it short. I met her at the café. She was wearing a black sweatshirt. We ordered smoothies. We joked and had casual talk for almost 45 minutes, like nothing was wrong or had ever been, except it was weird not to have any contact with her. She was so close to me but so far at the same time. Everytime we finished talking on a subject, there was silence because we both knew we had to talk about us, but were afraid to. Then I switched to my more serious voice and asked her how she was feeling, and she told me she was getting slowly better. I told her I didn't have much intention coming in, nor agenda. I told her that I wanted to know if the week apart had maybe changed her point of view about us, but in my heart I already knew it was pointless. She told me No, her decision was still the same, she explained me a little bit more her point of view, which made sense. If she can't be happy with herself, she can't be in a couple. She dosent want to feel restraint by anyone because she is so lost with herself, maybe she'll pack her bags and go travel, she said. She wants to meet new people, to party and make mistakes.She can't be in a couple with me. She told me that she still loves me and that I was the best boyfriend she ever had, but it's not possible right now anymore. I didn't want to argue with her, try to convince her she was wrong, because i have no right to. Who am I to tell her what to do, even if I might believe she's making some really bad decisions. She has to find herself now, and I can't help her. I told her i wasn't mad about her decision, only I felt deception and sadness because our couple had been great when it was working and in my vision we could have lived happy together for a long time. I thanked her for the good times we had the last 6 months, and wished her that she may find happiness again someday, she deserves it. I told her moving on, I would block her on Facebook and delete her phone number. I told her not to contact me, and that we should try to avoid meeting at the office, not because I hate her, but because I need to let her go from my mind. I told her she had to go, because If I could I would stay with her here until the cafe closes. Before she left, we hugged for a last time. It was a real one. I sat back and watched her leave, waited until she left the door and bursted into tears. Right now I feel emptiness, I feel useless and hopeless. I feel alone. Time will heal me, this will make me stronger, wiser. It's time to move on.
coryreply Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Thanks for the update, friend. How are you holding up?
Author zuzude Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 Hey there. I guess it's been almost 2 weeks since the café. 3 since the breakup. There have been hard times, and some good time. I try to focus on myself. I started a light diet and started to go to work on my bike. I also play tennis and badminton with friends often. It feels good. I'm losing weight for the first time since 5 years, and it's long overdue. So far my friends have been amazing, i've spent time with lots of friends i had not had time to see for months. With some I talk about the breakups and it helps, with some they don't know and it changes my mind so it's nice. The breakup also was good for my wallet. All this money spent on her... not that i was always paying for her it wasn't the case but still, i'm saving more these days and i'm planning a trip oversea in september. The hard part is really the workplace. I can't avoid her. She's there and I know it. I don't work in the same room as her but our departments are related so we must exchange mostly everyday. When we do, it's brief and polite, yet not joyful. I try to not look at her, not look how beautiful she is and what she's wearing, but sometimes I just can't. I'm considering finding a new job, but for now it with the trip coming it's not the right time. I can live with her at the job for some time, it's just not ideal if i'm to forget her completely. I guess i'm still wishing she would change her mind and we could start anew, but as days goes by I know it's always more unlikely and I'm starting to be fine with it somehow. Life goes on slowly. One day at the time.
Author zuzude Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 Right now I'm having this urge. I feel like I need to tell her I miss her. I know it's a bad idea. Me and this girl, we had a tradition on monday nights we would go see impov together. It was like one of our first dates, It was my idea. We always had fun there. Since the breakup, i stopped going. But tonight was supposed to be the final of the season so I was curious and decided to go see which team won the grand prize on the Facebook event of the league. And on the event page I saw she had attended to the final with one of her friend. I know it means nothing but in my head I feel like she must have thinked about me going there. Maybe she can't move on from our thing. Or maybe she dosent care about me and she dosent mind going back there without me. I know it's useless to think about all these things but right now it's all i'm thinking of. I feel like i'd be wasting my time going back to her again, I know that she needs to make contact first next time if there is to be hope, and that I should focus only on myself right now... but it's hard. I feel like it's going to be a long night in my head.
coryreply Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Hey bro. I'm sorry, I'm just now seeing your last post. How are you doing?
Author zuzude Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 I'm doing fine actually. I totally switch my focus to me and now i'm really taking control of my life back. I've lost almost 12 pounds since the breakup. I go to the gym with my buddy twice a week. I never lifted weights in my life before. I do 20km bike rides to the job every day and I play tennis and badminton all the time with friends. Keeping the focus on me boosted my confidence and now other girls are flirting with me at partys. Tomorrow i'm actually going to a party at a friend friends place that I've hang a lot with lately and if things go right I think i'll make a move. Of course i'm not in love with her and my mind is not really into getting into a new relationship, but i'm still young and I want to live. I have not since contacted my ex. Many nights i've been tempted, many time i've gone to her Facebook profile, but no I won't do it. I had deleted her from my phone contacts but two weeks ago she contacted me for work related issues. If you ask me she really didn't need to text me for this but I answered the question and stopped it there, but now I've kept her number in my phone in case, but did not text her. Next week it will be her birthday, and it will almost be 2 months since the breakup. I was actually wondering last night if I should text her happy birthday or not. A part of me thinks it's harmless and polite but another part of me knows that it might **** all my progress. I'm not sure what I would do if she told me she misses me, my head tells me I should not go back with her and keep moving forward but I part of me misses her a lot and would be willing to give it another chance. BUT all of these are hypothetical because I won't go back to her and so I don't have to think about these if they never happen anyway. Keeping it strong, life goes on. Thank you for keeping up with my progress, it feels good to lay it all out.
coryreply Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I'm doing fine actually. I totally switch my focus to me and now i'm really taking control of my life back. I've lost almost 12 pounds since the breakup. I go to the gym with my buddy twice a week. I never lifted weights in my life before. I do 20km bike rides to the job every day and I play tennis and badminton all the time with friends. Keeping the focus on me boosted my confidence and now other girls are flirting with me at partys. Tomorrow i'm actually going to a party at a friend friends place that I've hang a lot with lately and if things go right I think i'll make a move. Of course i'm not in love with her and my mind is not really into getting into a new relationship, but i'm still young and I want to live. I have not since contacted my ex. Many nights i've been tempted, many time i've gone to her Facebook profile, but no I won't do it. I had deleted her from my phone contacts but two weeks ago she contacted me for work related issues. If you ask me she really didn't need to text me for this but I answered the question and stopped it there, but now I've kept her number in my phone in case, but did not text her. Next week it will be her birthday, and it will almost be 2 months since the breakup. I was actually wondering last night if I should text her happy birthday or not. A part of me thinks it's harmless and polite but another part of me knows that it might **** all my progress. I'm not sure what I would do if she told me she misses me, my head tells me I should not go back with her and keep moving forward but I part of me misses her a lot and would be willing to give it another chance. BUT all of these are hypothetical because I won't go back to her and so I don't have to think about these if they never happen anyway. Keeping it strong, life goes on. Thank you for keeping up with my progress, it feels good to lay it all out. That's awesome dude. Keep it up!
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