wishfulthinking76 Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 I am reading that book "he's just not that into you". Although it is harsh it makes me realize that my ex clearly just became not that into during the 1 bad month of fighting we had. We use to talk about marriage, kids and our lives together before that bad month. Although I can't understand how this could have happend ... it has... his feelings changed. We fought because he resented me for needing his support when he was busy with work/school. Instead of just listening to me (for like 10-20 minutes) he would make me feel guilty and we would fight (our conversations would then end up lasting 2 hours and be draining and pointless). This fighting is what led to his feelings changing. I have decided to just keep living with the hope that I will eventually find that person who is so into me and who continues to be so even when I am having a rough patch in my life. His change of feelings makes me question his original feelings. Obviously when he called me my soul mate it didn't mean the same thing to him as it meant to me. To me finding that kind of love means that regardless you should be by a person's side even when they are not so fun to talk to. I know I was draining at times and probably felt like a obligation but if my friends could have found the time to support me, why couldn't he have? Why wouldn't he just have been supportive in the first place? A few days before I started having my emotional breakdown he would have done anything for me and was so in love with me that he even gave me a promise ring. At that time we would spend hours looking into each others eyes and cuddling. After I was down (which also unfortunately occured days after he went across the country for a school elective) he didn't have time for me anymore and resented me for keeping him on the phone. His actions in fact made me feel worse in my time of need. I just can't understand why he wouldn't he just have been supportive in the first place? Isn't that the very least you can do for the woman you call your soul mate?
iwishiknewthen Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 i went thru the exact same thing. all i can say is that with me, he did want to be with me at first but then when i fought with him because i needed support too, he found an opening not to need me. he found another woman/girl. he is now engaged to her. i think when someone who says they love you and was with you for years (as was mine) 5 to be exact, looks in your eyes and tells you they love you one minute and then disappears the next... i think that happens because deep down inside they hate needing you, and couldnt stand imperfections. they think they love you but they dont love the relationship and as soon as they find a passage for strength (maybe they have low self esteem) especially when things are on the brink, they hold on tight to the strength they found, to get out. in my case it was another woman who was the "hope" . i wanted to be his hope his everything. he was mine. he just didnt want to work on it like i did and my timing was so bad. i couldnt get to him in time (long story) . I dont know if your guy is with someone or not. i really regret the way i acted sometimes but i feel i was so frustrated and he was so unforgiving and never had any patience. which makes me feel like you do...maybe he was never that into me to begin with. it hurts so bad. i am struggling with this loss everyday. i think i went into shock over it. it has effected my heath. i am serious. i have been sick with different malady's since this break up happened. its been less that one year and i sometimes I think 24 hours havent even past by. i only hope and pray God will lift me out of this. i try to be pro-active and do things for myself but my world feels so horrible without him in it. its the most difficult thing i have ever had to bare. when youre rejected like this...you feel like you did something so bad so wrong. well thats how i have felt and another paert of me is so angry because i couldnt be perfect and i feel like you if someone loves you they go the extra mile. and they realize nothing is perfect. i am not speaking of abuse. NO one should be abused...mentally, verbally. etc. but normal frustrations should have some amount of tolerance. i still blame myself for not being what he needed and wanted ..i am trying to reconcile that and get over this feeling to keep my sanity and see the beauty in life again. i just wish this pain and frustration and sense of deep loss would go away.
Merin Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 This could just be me but.. I've found that the Guys I know when thier GF/Wife starts telling them about problems in life/work/relationships whatever... the Girl may be just venting her frustration and looking for her Man to say "I understand" or really to say nothing at all but just have your back in listening.... HOWEVER I've found that the Guys I know don't take it as thier Girl venting and wanting some emotional support or an ear to listen they think thier Girl is giving THEM problems to solve... you may not want him to solve them, just wanted someone to listen... but he felt you somehow were wanting him to DO something... it may have been frustrating to him because he didn't know how to *solve* your issues... it may have been more frustrating to him IF he felt he had come up with a solution and you didn't do what he suggested but then continued to vent about the problem... does this make sense?
alphamale Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 Originally posted by Merin This could just be me but.. I've found that the Guys I know when thier GF/Wife starts telling them about problems in life/work/relationships whatever... the Girl may be just venting her frustration and looking for her Man to say "I understand" or really to say nothing at all but just have your back in listening.... HOWEVER I've found that the Guys I know don't take it as thier Girl venting and wanting some emotional support or an ear to listen they think thier Girl is giving THEM problems to solve... you may not want him to solve them, just wanted someone to listen... Word!
alphamale Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 males are really not built to be "supportive". we dont' understand all this krap about talking aoubt your problems until you are blue in the face and then feeling better even tho the problem is still there. we feel better when the actual problem is solved or under control. every woman i've dated or been with eventually says "alpha, just listen to me and understand what i'm going thru but don't give me any answers". WTF does that mean? If she starts going on an on and on and on about her problems and then expects me to sit there like a doofus saying "yes honey, I feel for u" or "i undertand totally", etc... it is gonna start pissing me off to no end. women should get emotional support from their female friends and family, not from their b/f or hubby. we really don't know how to do it right. it would be like asking a woman to lift a box weighing 150 lbs.
Author wishfulthinking76 Posted April 26, 2005 Author Posted April 26, 2005 I don't think females should feel bad about having these needs ... I think a truly understanding and in love boyfriend would tolerate it (although he can't understand it) not get mad and yell. I guess maybe his feelings just weren't of true love in the first place. My questions is for the guys ... if you met the one and she is down the instinct should be to want to do anything to help them get back on their feet even if it means biting your tongue and listening, right? Or is this line of thinking out of wack?
alphamale Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 Originally posted by wishfulthinking76 My questions is for the guys ... if you met the one and she is down the instinct should be to want to do anything to help them get back on their feet even if it means biting your tongue and listening, right? Or is this line of thinking out of wack? essentially you are right, WISHFULTHINKIN76. the main problem here is that women are used to going to their female friends for this sorta support and when their man starts giving them this sorta support on a regular basis he gets to become and honorary "girlfirend". once her man has been "pussified" (as i like to put it ) then she starts to lose respect for him and stops seeing him as a lover and more as a nice non-treateining supportive friend. once this happens he is f***ed and she leaves him for another man who is more "manly". see what i mean?? so....to conclude I think it is ok for a man to be a bit supportive of his woman but not a lot or all the time.
EnigmaXOXO Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 women should get emotional support from their female friends and family, not from their b/f or hubby. we really don't know how to do it right. Oh for Pete's sake. The hair must be worn off your knuckles from dragging them on the ground for so long. There are 'men' out there (not to be confused with boys) who absolutely know how to be emotionally supportive to their female partners. If you ever find one of these, you've got yourself a real keeper! Or "soulmate"… however you choose to phrase it. As a matter of fact, these are the only kind of partners to have if you want a strong, healthy relationship that will go the distance. No need to look to others (or that other nice sensitive guy at work) to share your feelings with if you've got the REAL DEAL at home. Hold out for the guy who doesn't cut and run because you're having a bad day. Relationships are no place for emotionally disconnected whimps. Stay the course, and eventually you'll find someone who is better suited for you. Believe me -- when you do, its pure HEAVEN!
whichwayisup Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 once her man has been "pussified" (as i like to put it ) then she starts to lose respect for him and stops seeing him as a lover and more as a nice non-treateining supportive friend. once this happens he is f***ed and she leaves him for another man who is more "manly". see what i mean?? Yeah, I don't know about that theory of yours Alpha... "pussified"
Author wishfulthinking76 Posted April 26, 2005 Author Posted April 26, 2005 With me it was a death in the family that I was having trouble dealing with and needed someone to listen to. I understand the whole "don't make your boyfriend into one of the girlfriends" but to get mad and yell because I needed support for a brief period in my life? Especially since it was such a big event in my life. Looking back I think he was just being a selfish jerk! But I really understand how it may have been difficult for guys. I will definately keep this in mind and never expect a guy to not get frustrated when I am having cyclical conversations where I just vent... etc... because it is hard for them to constantly listen to problems over and over again that aren't being solved. But for my specific circumstance I think he should have said to himself: this crying/upset phase will pass and maybe I shouldn't get upset and yell at her about needing me because she is in mourning and there is nothing I can do about that except for listen and want to genuinly help her through a tough time. I think labelling him a selfish jerk who was more into his medical school and his career then supporting me through a brief but difficult period would be my best bet in trying to understand his behaviour.
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