arsenal78 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I'll give a timeline of events. Was with ex almost a year, up until March it was a legit long honeymoon phase. We seemed to have problem after problem since but the last two weeks before the breakup, things were rejuvenated. In the morning, she called me to tell me that someone had sent her a dick pic "accidentally" and she did not recognize the number so she asked me if I could find out who did it. I'm not sure why I agreed but I said yeah. So later I call the number and it's a guy who she literally just added on FB. Right then I'm extremely mad not knowing what to think. She comes over after a wedding that she went to with her girlfriend and the girlfriend recognized the number in her phone and he's just a friend of them both. I should mention that I was drunk so I grabbed her phone from her not wanting to give her a chance to delete texts. I realize this was wrong but if I was ending it, I wanted proof. She chased me down then reached at me and fell down. At that point I'm thinking enough. So I ask her to sit down and talk, she refuses saying she fell and hurt herself because of me and isaid leaving. My frustrations with her reached the end and I broke up with her there. She said fine and left. My gut was telling me something was up though and I wanted to already go back on my decision and I knew her parents were supposed to be out of town so I drove to her house. It was then I saw a car in the driveway that was not hers. Being drunk I got out of my car upset before someone yelled out the window at me. She then called letting me know it was her dad and they had a rental car for their trip so I left. Next morning I call, apologizing if that truly was her dad and that we don't have to end it but if we do I want to do it mutually. She says it's over and she doesn't love me anymore. I write an email explaining my motives to which she replied to never contact her again. I follow up with nasty reply saying I'm already relieved it's over and in some ways I was. She first blocks me on Facebook then unblocks me but then blocks again all the while I did not contact her once but oddly enough leaves up all our pics. A month prior she took a dental exam to which I was the patient for her, so I knew she'd be getting the results so I asked if she passed; she emailed that my prediction on karma was wrong (I said in my nasty email karma would show in the form of a failing grade) - she passed. This was two weeks after breakup. I simply replied to email that I was happy for her and congrats. I've been NC ever since. (Broke up 5/10, only email about exam was 5/23) I know this sounds very toxic and I probably handled things wrong. I plan to be NC for at least three more weeks then at the 6 week mark, if she hasn't contacted me, I'll mail a letter. Basically for closures sake. Any opinions here are greatly appreciated. It for the most part was a healthy relationship despite the rough patch in April and the harsh breakup.
DexterLS Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 You have to find closure by yourself. Go No Contact. 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I echo Dexter, leave it be, move on, and that's your closure. Oh and I suggest that, if you drink to the point you begin to act like an idiot, then quit, before it gets you into more serious trouble. 1
sandylee1 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 You're done with this relationship. Too much nastiness has gone on. I don't see that she did anything wrong here. She didn't know who sent the pic and asked you to help track it. That's not the behaviour of a cheating gf. Then the shouting at her house. Yeah. .......put this down to experience and move on. 2
TunaCat Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Your focus should be on curbing your alcohol intake rather than getting back together with an ex. 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I just realised you drove while drunk.... You drove while drunk - !? Hate to tell you this but, in her shoes, I would have dumped you too. Do not contact her in 3 weeks, 6 weeks, six months, or ever. No Contact should be permanent. For her sake, if not yours. Really, I'm sorry, but you need to do a bit of growing up.... 2
Author arsenal78 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 So you're saying, someone sending a dick pic in the morning then friending them by the night shouldn't raise a red flag to me or at least make me uncomfortable? I fully acknowledge that my state at the time contributed to my actions and I plan to curb my alcohol use all together. Perhaps this was the godsend in all of this. Sadly the guilt I'm experiencing right now over this has me in quite a dark place.
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 So you're saying, someone sending a dick pic in the morning then friending them by the night shouldn't raise a red flag to me or at least make me uncomfortable? No. We're saying your behaviour, attitude and treatment of your GF were entirely inappropriate and unfair. It was she who asked you to investigate the matter. You doing what you did, just goes to show two things: One you're incapable of rational thought, and two, you were out of control. I fully acknowledge that my state at the time contributed to my actions and I plan to curb my alcohol use all together. While your attitude is commendable, it's a shame it took something of this nature to make you see that. I would hazard a guess that this is not the first time you've behaved badly while drunk. Perhaps this was the godsend in all of this. Sadly the guilt I'm experiencing right now over this has me in quite a dark place. Well, I'm sorry for that. Sad but true to say, it's self-inflicted. I wish you luck in your effort to become teetotal. Because that would be the very best way to ensure history does not repeat itself. 1
writergal Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 So you're saying, someone sending a dick pic in the morning then friending them by the night shouldn't raise a red flag to me or at least make me uncomfortable? I fully acknowledge that my state at the time contributed to my actions and I plan to curb my alcohol use all together. Perhaps this was the godsend in all of this. Sadly the guilt I'm experiencing right now over this has me in quite a dark place. Like the other posters here have observed, your alcohol intake at the time you confronted your girlfriend (or times) is what is the root of your relationship problem (and perhaps the root of your previous relationship problems). The fact that your girlfriend's new male friend sent her a dick pic that surprised her and offended you (as it should have), is muted by the fact that you were drunk as a skunk when you found this out and it had a negative effect on your relationship. Had you been sober and not grabbed your girlfriend's phone away from her, and just talked to her without all that drama then you'd have an entirely better relationship. Do you drink a lot? Or occasionally? 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) ...Besides which, at the time she accepted his 'friend' request, it's possible she still didn't realise he was the one who had sent the picture. In the morning, she called me to tell me that someone had sent her a dick pic "accidentally" and she did not recognize the number so she asked me if I could find out who did it. I'm not sure why I agreed but I said yeah. So later I call the number and it's a guy who she literally just added on FB. Had you revealed this to her before she accepted his request, or did the penny drop later...? Edited June 1, 2015 by TaraMaiden2 1
aloneinaz Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Clearly, you know you made some poor choices. We all have done this my man.. I don't think there's anyone here on this board who hasn't done something they don't regret, especially while drinking or drunk. What you should do- Let things cool down. Leave her alone. If you keep contacting her, you're going to further push her away from you. You've apologized for your behavior. The needs to be no further "but, I'm really, really sorry" emails or texts. Your only shot at another chance w/her (if you really want it) is to leave her alone until she reaches out to you. You've apologized. Give her space away from you and give her a chance at missing you. She may do this or she may not. Either way, brace yourself that you won't hear from her and learn from it. Like I said, we've all done stupid stuff so beating yourself up over it isn't going to help the matter. Breathe, let things calm down and keep on living your life. 1
Author arsenal78 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 She actually found out who it was from her girlfriend at the wedding they were at. Her friend had his number in her phone. She did not tell me once she found out. So I had already found out myself then I checked her Facebook and saw that she actually just became friends with him that day, more or less once she found out who it was. I probably should have called the number once I got it from her in the morning. It would have all been avoided then. But something about someone sending an "accidental" pic of their dick then you sending them a Facebook friend request really doesn't sit well with me.
Author arsenal78 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 Clearly, you know you made some poor choices. We all have done this my man.. I don't think there's anyone here on this board who hasn't done something they don't regret, especially while drinking or drunk. What you should do- Let things cool down. Leave her alone. If you keep contacting her, you're going to further push her away from you. You've apologized for your behavior. The needs to be no further "but, I'm really, really sorry" emails or texts. Your only shot at another chance w/her (if you really want it) is to leave her alone until she reaches out to you. You've apologized. Give her space away from you and give her a chance at missing you. She may do this or she may not. Either way, brace yourself that you won't hear from her and learn from it. Like I said, we've all done stupid stuff so beating yourself up over it isn't going to help the matter. Breathe, let things calm down and keep on living your life. Thank you for the advice. I think this is my best case scenario. I was very good to her, despite the harsh ending. I'm hoping she can look back on that and maybe decide to at least communicate with me at some point down the line.
mightycpa Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 She actually found out who it was from her girlfriend at the wedding they were at. Her friend had his number in her phone. She did not tell me once she found out. So I had already found out myself then I checked her Facebook and saw that she actually just became friends with him that day, more or less once she found out who it was. I probably should have called the number once I got it from her in the morning. It would have all been avoided then. But something about someone sending an "accidental" pic of their dick then you sending them a Facebook friend request really doesn't sit well with me. Well, then you did the right thing. Be satisfied with your actions, because those are the only actions you control. You can't control the guy who sends the dickpic, and you can't control how your ex reacts to it. You can either live with the situation, or not, and apparently, at the time, you could not. Now's no time to actually engage your brain and think it through. The time for that has long since passed, and you can't undo what you've done. So own it, and if you think you made a mistake, figure out where that was, and be better prepared the next time. 3
sandylee1 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 The dic pic was bad and of course no bf will be happy with that. Talking rationally would have helped, but you know that now. I would have thought people would be more careful sending x rated pics, so I'm not so sure it was an accident, but you should have settled down to discuss your thoughts. Your anger and alcohol won this time. Just leave it be. 3
Thecondor1991 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Just let this one go my friend. She seems like she has already let you go. Just leave it be. I could understand if she said she still loved you, which is what was keeping you hanging on, but she made it very clear that is not the case. Im not always pro NC, I think there are some reasons we should reach out to our exes, however in your case I see absolutely none. Stay NC for good, and just let this go. 2
Author arsenal78 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) I guess it's a part of me that feels used. I paid for her first Dental Hygiene exam which she failed. At that point, I volunteered myself to be the patient for her re-take; which I literally bled for this woman all to help her further herself in life and two weeks later I have to be subjected to that? the breakup wasn't just due to the dick pic but her friending the guy did not necessitate that she was cheating to me but it clarified that she was not at all mindful of how I would feel about it. And what's obvious to me is if he was looking for a "friend", as they're no longer even friends on Facebook which screams he made an attempt and was turned away. Do I realize looking at her Facebook is regressive, absolutely. There were many times where I felt like my kindness and patience were taken for granted, she was to say the least, flakey and unfortunately this did not lend well to my insecurities from a prior relationship. Maybe it's the guilt I'm living with or that I'm simply embarrassed or I hate giving up on something I put so much into. Edited June 1, 2015 by arsenal78 1
mightycpa Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Well, you know what they say. Don't throw more money into a bottomless pit. Cut your losses, and move on, head held high. 2
Author arsenal78 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 Well, you know what they say. Don't throw more money into a bottomless pit. Cut your losses, and move on, head held high. Ha, and boy did I. Now what's ironic is she'll finally be able to get a job and make decent money; and I helped make that happen yet here I am, the one being demonized.
mightycpa Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Ha, and boy did I. Now what's ironic is she'll finally be able to get a job and make decent money; and I helped make that happen yet here I am, the one being demonized.****ing amazing, isn't it?
aloneinaz Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Ha, and boy did I. Now what's ironic is she'll finally be able to get a job and make decent money; and I helped make that happen yet here I am, the one being demonized. Again, I think you need to simply cool off and let the dust clear. Her saying she doesn't love you anymore was simply her being angry at that moment. I wouldn't feel used either. Part of being in a relationship is to help each other be better in general. Everyone helps their partners emotionally, financially, etc.. I think everyone can say they felt "used" after a relationship ended. The fact that you did bend over backwards to help her achieve her education and make a better living shows your a good person. She understands that, trust me. Try and stay positive and let some time go by. If you leave her alone, there's a chance that she'll cool down, re-think the whole situation and MAYBE contact you again. If she doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be. Hold your head up high and remember the good things you did for her. You'll also bring these same positive traits to your next relationship as well. 1
Satu Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 One thing is clear: Over-indulgence in alcohol always makes things worse.
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I guess it's a part of me that feels used. I paid for her first Dental Hygiene exam which she failed. At that point, I volunteered myself to be the patient for her re-take; which I literally bled for this woman all to help her further herself in life and two weeks later I have to be subjected to that? the breakup wasn't just due to the dick pic but her friending the guy did not necessitate that she was cheating to me but it clarified that she was not at all mindful of how I would feel about it. And what's obvious to me is if he was looking for a "friend", as they're no longer even friends on Facebook which screams he made an attempt and was turned away. Do I realize looking at her Facebook is regressive, absolutely. There were many times where I felt like my kindness and patience were taken for granted, she was to say the least, flakey and unfortunately this did not lend well to my insecurities from a prior relationship. Maybe it's the guilt I'm living with or that I'm simply embarrassed or I hate giving up on something I put so much into. Sorry, but this is a bit of a 180.... You began the thread by basically outlining how badly you behaved, and how irrational, hasty and out-of-line you were, and now that you've received one or two swift kicks to the pants, suddenly you're bringing out all the justifications for how wrong she was to dump you? What a great guy you really are and how it's going to be her loss in the long-run? How insecure you were due to something that happened before she even came along, but how cold she was to not be sensitive enough about YOUR feelings? Is that it? You were drunk and irrational. Just own it, and be done with it. All the good qualities in the world are of no use against the final straw that breaks the camel's back. She had obviously reached a point where enough was enough for her. leave it be, take it on the chin and move on. Don't re-hash stuff or paint yourself into a corner now.... 4
Author arsenal78 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 Sorry, but this is a bit of a 180.... You began the thread by basically outlining how badly you behaved, and how irrational, hasty and out-of-line you were, and now that you've received one or two swift kicks to the pants, suddenly you're bringing out all the justifications for how wrong she was to dump you? What a great guy you really are and how it's going to be her loss in the long-run? How insecure you were due to something that happened before she even came along, but how cold she was to not be sensitive enough about YOUR feelings? Is that it? You were drunk and irrational. Just own it, and be done with it. All the good qualities in the world are of no use against the final straw that breaks the camel's back. She had obviously reached a point where enough was enough for her. leave it be, take it on the chin and move on. Don't re-hash stuff or paint yourself into a corner now.... She didn't dump me. I dumped her then within a day contacted her saying I should not have done so. I never made it a point that she cater to my insecurities. Whose to say I wouldn't have dumped her if I wasn't drunk? Sure that added to the unnecessary chaos of the situation, but the fact of the matter remains that the whole incident with the dickpic made me uncomfortable. Could we have talked it out, absolutely. Why shouldn't she be mindful of her boyfriend when she's friending people who just sent them a pic of their junk? Trust is earned and built, not just handed to someone. To me, that in some way disrupted the trust. I brought up the exam because the fact that I can go that far to help someone yet they barely have a second thought about me when doing what she did, says it all about her perhaps. That having another Facebook "friend" was more important than my feeling comfort in an uncomfortable situation.
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